When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

I think there is someone else.
Have you asked him.. "Do you still want to be here"?

This doesn’t sound good. But you know what is probably coming. So get your ducks in a row. Don’t let him know that you know, give yourself time to think about what you are going to do. Start stashing money and look into getting legal assistance. Get copies of all documents, and if you have a trusted friend maybe start moving anything sentimental out the house now.
Be kind to yourself, he is clearly only bin worthy now.

Thank you for your messages. I want to say the words, "do you still want to be here" but I know the answer but I think for now I need to get my head around the answer I know will be coming, mainly for dd, she will need her mum to have her head together when the answer comes.

As for moving things, I know where everything is, he doesn't actually know where everything is. I wouldn't move out, this is mine and dds home, I pay all the bills and he can go to his parents, I don't have that option and ultimately he has created this situation he will deal with the repercussions of it.

I just need to get my head straight before I do anything so i am not angry and react in a way I don't want to. I need to get my ducks in order and that is mainly dd, and it is school runs. I think I could get some support from my mum if needed, work is not really where I can juggle with my hours atm but other than that I will be here for dd. I know in my heart what is coming I just don't know how to face it.

All this has been in my head for a while I think it just hit me like a bolt in the night and now I know.

Why don’t you get in first? Why wait for him to say it? X

I do think when you know, you know

That said…. In your post there isn’t that much solid evidence that he definitely wants out so I’d be having a little look to see if I could be more sure of what I was dealing with. Before he gets any more protective of his phone.

I want to get my head straight as I know what is coming so I am more level headed and as much in control as I can be.

There is no actual evidence as I haven't looked, again I need to be sure I can handle what I know I will find if and when I look.

I agree, when you know you know. It's been a while coming, even if there isn't someone else (I would bet there is) he has not been in this relationship for a while, I have tried but the past 2 months or so I have stopped trying as much, I am gaining my self respect back but stopping trying to be someone else, by stop trying to make him want me. I am trying to get back to me, the old me who could cope on my own. My dd is my main concern in everything and tbh I have thought maybe I could wait it out for a few years until she leaves school but I can't live like this, no emotion, no real care, taken for granted and just being unloved. I love dd more than life and I would sacrifice anything for her but I am worried about the toll on myself by staying and that would mean she wouldn't get the mum she deserves. It's been a hard realisation.

Handhold and you are being very brave 💐

I agree that sometimes you just know. Trust yourself xx

What do you do? You've decided you're splitting already. You know there's probably someone else involved but you're not checking it because you know that will force the issue. So honestly, I'd say you go. DD will be better with 2 happy parents - apart - than unhappy ones together. Sooner the better, because the longer you stay when it's like this, the lower you'll be. So make your plan, you decide when and how. But I also think you should talk to him - soon. Ideally agree together about when he moves out, if that's the only option. But be prepared that - if there is someone else - he's still around because he and she, for whatever reason, are not ready to move in together, so right now he is choosing to stay with you and DD and may be resistant to changing until HE is ready. You might want to check that phone now so you know the real story before you have the conversation.

How old is your daughter?

Sorry been at work, just on my lunch.

Thank you for your messages. I agree if he is planning his next move he may not want to do anything yet but unfortunately I can feel it. I just feel so heart broken, I feel lost and numb at the moment. He woke up before me and went downstairs this morning he stayed away, I am guessing he knows I know something and is keeping away as he does not want me saying what he thinks I am going to say.

At the moment, I am hoping to talk to him when I get home however I am not sure if I am strong enough for the conversation but as it stands I can't feel like this for much longer.

All I want is to feel loved and wanted by him, I do love him and I always will but I feel so unwanted by him and I just know there is something I need to find. I am going to ask him for his phone when I am back and I want to look, if he refuses that tells me all I need to know.

I have done some extra digging, last week I was injured at work, he was called as I needed to go to hospital, he did not answer and said he had popped out. I stupidly checked the doorbell camera he was in the house he didn't leave the house...he ignored me when he was injured, why I am not sure as he could have said he didn't hear the phone, why lie? What was he busy doing instead?

She's 13 nearly 14

So ive spoken with him. He told me there is no one else. I told him he is a liar and that I know he has been out all day, whilst I am at working for our family and that he lied when I was unwell last week. He was adamant that he went out but his car was outside the whole time.
He told me he was not feeling well and that I have put him off women forever...charming. I have asked him to leave over the weekend because if he can't be honest with me he can't be in my home. He is still upstairs probably deleting things but honestly I don't care. I am done.

It might feel like right now it’s the worst time, and there’s nothing I can say to make that better: only - try not to be alone right now . Keep close to friends, family, who you can rant to, cry on, just be with, without judgment or expectation. It’ll get better

You need legal advice as it's both your home and- it's a marital assset. You can't make someone homeless just because they have cheated. He could just as equally ask to kick you out (despite it being you that pays for it).

You should also try to plan together what to say to your child. How you handle this maturely now will mitigate the impact it has on her.

Also if he is the main caregiver he has a strong argument he should continue to be and you should continue to fund him.

Be very careful m.

Thankfully we rent, and although it is in both names, I am unable to leave, I literally have no where to go, he can however go to his parents, even if its whilst we try and sort this mess out.

He went out when I was putting tea out, and has had a bath and gone back upstairs. In time here he is technically dd main care giver but he does nothing to actually look after her, all appointments, clubs, even going out with her friends I do everything he literally picks her up from school and takes her there on a morning, beyond that I do everything, uniforms, ironing, lunches and all the cooking. Tbh writing this out makes me feel like a fool, I am just like a mother to him, he does not have to lift a finger. He told me today that I don't love him, I broke down and said how is that true when I feel so heart broken and he doesn't even care. His response was "I have a headache". I will reduce my hours if I need to to be there for dd and the school runs, I work in education so holidays are not a problem. Realistically I have been living as a single parent anyway I am not sure how much he actually brings to the home anymore and the more I think about it, I would hate dd to grow up and have a relationship like this.

Perhaps you could suggest mediation to navigate the split, assuming neither of you thinks there’s anything to salvage by trying couples counselling. It sounds like it may have gone beyond that point.

If he has been playing away, it doesn’t sound like he will admit it in any case and it seems like he plans to cast all the blame on you for the breakup. Try to get some support in real life: friends, family, a counsellor - and legal advice.

Good luck!

Not posted in a few days as I have been heart broken beyond belief. DH hasn't spoken with me. Today I asked him by text as I can't face him and we don't speak. He told me there is no one else he is just not happy being with me. I've cried to myself as I am not sure whats worse, not being enough after nearly 20 years or there being someone else. I am half hurt and half angry, at him being a coward not to tell me to my face, not to have respect for me to tell me.

I feel like i am not sure of the next steps or if I can go on. Usually I am the strongest person I can be but now I am empty, just numb.

Can he move out now? Being together- and not - makes it even more difficult than it would be anyway. Are there people you can be with right now? You can go on, you will. But you won’t escape from it hurting in the short term. Next steps are easy - he’s got to go, so agree when. You’ve got to sort a good Christmas for your daughter. And you’ve got to be around friends and family, to hold you up, hold your hand (literally or figuratively). It will get better

Thank you, I am asking him to leave today, he has gone out I am not sure he will want to but this isn't fair on me and dd.
All I can think of is Christmas for dd, thankfully I've brought all her presents and I will try and make it special. We usually have dinner at mine just us but I know I can join my sisters family so even if dd is with him I am not alone but I think she will stay with me.
I can't talk to anyone at the moment but I am seeing a friend tonight so I will talk through things with her. I am hurt for dd, I am hurt he didn't tell me just checked out and made me realise I had been living a lie. I have tried for months to make him want me, thinking it was me, I mean it could have been me but I am worth so much more. I don't think I will ever want anyone else, not that I want him now but I won't be made to feel like this again. We've been together since our teenager years, he was my world, I have supported him through so much emotionally, physically and financially and this is what he does less than 2 weeks before Christmas. It's despicable.

Your kind words have really helped me.

God bless you OP. Stay strong, its going to be so hard but eventually things will get better.
He doesn't deserve you.
I hope you and your daughter have a peaceful Xmas x

So sorry for what you are going through. It’s not you, it’s him!! How could he let this go on so long?! Perhaps it could have been fixed if he had spoken up sooner…he’s a coward, waiting for you to bring it up and not willing to put any work in. You should find your anger - you will be so much better off without this emotionally stunted sad-sack. Do NOT do the “what’s wrong with me?” self-flagellation please 🙏 …you ARE worth so much more!

Thank you, in my head I am planning a Christmas without him. We haven't spoken, I couldn't face him so I went out on my own for a few hours. I was alone but it was ok. I also didn't want him to see me cry, not that I think it would have bothered him but more for my own self respect.

Dd is away this weekend with one of her activities, I am not leaving her anywhere and she is none the wiser atm of how things are, it's given me some time to think a bit too much time but at least I haven't had to paint the smile on either. She is back tomorrow around 5ish so I need to pull myself together.

This is exactly what I have been thinking about today, I mean looking back there were signs but was his intention to make me humiliate myself in trying to get some attention from him, keep trying to make something work? His disgusts me.

I also have my anger but I am controlling it, I am not reacting at all, usually I am quite quick to react but the numbing has stopped me and not reacting is making me feel like I can take back some of what is happening, it sounds silly and I can't word it right but he knows normally I would react, I would cry, be upset or try to reason with him but ive done nothing, I didn't even reply to his message he sent not wanting to be with me, again if I did it is enforcing what he thinks he knows about me reacting in some way. One of my colleagues (female) told me yesterday that I looked stunning and what I am doing is working (losing weight) I have done my hair today and make up and keep telling myself, I look stunning....no one has ever said that to me before so i am holding onto to it and on a day like today I need all I can get.

I have also spoken briefly with my mum, she knows bits I haven't told her exactly what he said but she's called a couple of times to check in on me. Feels nice remembering that I am loved by some people.

I am also not doing the "what is wrong with me" I think I did that in the week, now I am trying to be positive. I am not perfect but I try really hard to be kind, nice and loving I am holding on to that.

So I have had a lovely evening with my wonderful friend, she said everything you wonderful people have said here.

She called him several names, I opened up a lot more than I have ever done tonight and I feel better for it. My friend also thinks he has been doing something, she's not sure what but suspects a physical relationship as do I, but even if its an emotional one I am done, even without another relationship I am done! Anyway, she thinks he's done something but didn't think it was "anything" that would make him lose his family and now he is worried that is why he is not talking or why he is acting so distant. She thinks he is panicking as it wasn't what he planned...I agree it could be that however I have thought so many different things in the last week, I honestly think it's even a possibility he has been abducted by aliens 😂

Ultimately whatever it is, being with me is not making him happy, and although it hurts, I do love him (not enough to stay as i am working on loving myself more) and I don't want him being unhappy. We can't come back from this and I need to go to bed and try and sleep and try to make a plan for when dd returns tomorrow, until then I have the morning where I have some bits to do and a free afternoon, so my free afternoon I am going to take myself off again and have some time to myself it will be the last for a while where I can think and just enjoy not being around him. We do need to discuss the next steps but in the meantime I am focusing on me and dd, he can do whatever he wants.