When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

I was going to suggest the same thing. Especially for DD's sake.

But he'd better not do anything to the house while you're gone.

Thank you all for your messages I did read them last night but I wasn't in the headspace to reply. I'm not sure if I am much now but I am getting there. Yesterday was hard, probably the hardest through all of this.
@Emptyspiral your right I am grieving but because hes still here i am not able to properly or even to take steps to move forward that I need. dd is the only reason I am handing on to all the emotions to keep myself together but yesterday I couldn't and because I couldn't externalise them it made me hurt so much.
@Bittenonce I honestly am not sure how i would have done the past 6 weeks without your messages, everytime you just hit the nail on the head. 60 hours that's it, that's all I need to hang on for, now I'm down to 48 hours, I will try my best to hang on because I have done it this far, that's nothing.
@Hyggehogger a hotel is not possible, I cant afford one and tbh i wouldn't want to leave my home as I wouldn't trust him not to take something and me and dd do have plans this weekend, which i am grateful for. Dd has a club today and we've got a party tonight thankfully so realistically we are at home but got plans to do in the meantime I will sort the rubbish hes left me of his stuff and bag it up, he can take it with him or to the tip.
@Greyish2025 it's been a long road since he said that, the words don't even mean anything anymore. He actions have destroyed us being civil, I mean I will be for dd but it won't be natural. He has become a monster in my eyes and his behaviour is despicable. I have never said this but I actually lothe him.
@ChicLilacSeal that's the reason I wouldn't go anywhere, I don't trust him at all.

This morning I plan on tidying up my room before starting on the rest of the house. I will occupy myself around the house and I don't plan on speaking with him, unless I need to.

So yesterday was ok. I did what I planned and cleaned up. H has still not said anything about moving....I have some choice language running through my head about him but I won't vocalise it. He went out for the afternoon and usually dd goes with him but she didn't want to (very unusual) but we stayed at home then he came back as we were getting ready to go out, so I didn't see him much. We came in dd stayed up with him and I went to bed early.
Dd is out today with her friends so I am staying in and getting uniforms etc ready for the week.
I noticed at the end of the night dd acted strange, like went into herself so we left early, I asked and she wanted too I think its all starting to hit home for her but I keep reassuring her and telling her how much I love her. Although she hasn't asked one question yet about it, to me anyway but I am guessing she is sorting her feelings out first then will open up.

I'm so happy he's leaving, only then can you heal.
It doesn't seem as if he'll ever give you answers, maybe another sign of his emotional abuse.
Keep doing what you're doing, you've been so strong.
Your FIL is probably right, he'll end up a lonely old man x

It's crazy how we don't know our own strength until something like this happens.

I found out two years ago that my ex was a coke addict and cheating on me within an hour. I had said my goodbyes and blocked him and his family three days later on everything. Easier for me as he was just a boyfriend, thankfully !

I spent the next 6 months concentrating on me. Fitness, hobbies etc. I went on a retreat and made 5 new friends.

I went on the dating apps 7 months after the breakup and had a list of around 15 things that a new boyfriend had to have. Good friends, family etc. I met my now boyfriend 5 weeks into the apps ! He is amazing, I felt like I would never have a partner who made me feel gorgeous and cared for every single day.

You will get this op. You will meet someone who treats you like your DH doesn't.

But for now let us all look on in awe. You are some woman for one woman ! Fair play to ya ! Your daughter must be so proud that you are her mum. You sound like an amazing mother anyone would be lucky to have. When she is older and dealing with things she is so lucky to have a mum like you to guide her.

@Diarygirlqueen your right, I am ok with not having as many answers as I would have liked but I know I won't get them so I am making peace with it and moving forward.
@H112 I am sorry you also went through so much, but I am hopeful that when my story moves forward it is as happy as yours. I am trying to be strong for dd, that's all I can do.

So he left yesterday, he didn't actually tell me and just went but I knew it was on the cards so didn't catch me as off guard as I am assuming he thought it was. I actually allowed myself to react yesterday, and I text him and told him how disrespectful he was being towards me and disregarding towards dds feelings. I got a lot of nastiness back then today I got an actual apology...shocking the first one in nearly 20 years that I didn't demand. I don't doubt it is because he wants my help in some way and good for him thinking that way...its a shame I won't do anything for him that doesn't directly impact dd...if it doesn't help her directly I won't be doing a thing, those days are gone.

So last night I wasn't 100% sure if he were to come back but he didn't and today I have felt peaceful within myself. More settled and like things will be ok. Dd has been to his new place but has come back not long after I came home from work we've done things together, watched shows we like and eaten together. It feels different but I am hoping dd can feel it feels different but in a good way.
29th January 2025 is when my life changed and I have taken back my life, it feels freeing. I am trying not to be as optimistic as I know it will be hard but atm it's just peaceful and I love it.

It's been a long few months and tbh I never knew how isolated I had become over the past few years but he had actually gone, I am more surprised than anyone that he has left our home, I genuinely thought he would be here for years breaking me down everyday. Thank you all for helping me through the first steps of this horrible journey, I am hoping i am moving towards the middle part and onwards...

You're inspiring!
I'm so sorry for everything he's put you through. At least he's actually gone at last.

Well done @LostInMyLife , you have been so strong - it’s onwards and upwards now. There are bound to be wobbles but you will get through them with the same strength xx

Well hallelujah he has finally fucked off.

And I don't think you will get the answers you want OP because he is an asshole devoid of the ability to behave like a decent human being. Some people are just wired differently with little to no thought for others OP. Being the kind, considerate person you come across you cannot understand why they act like they do but nor do you want to. Rather than try to you have to write them off.

Mentioned on the thread before Christmas that you have been amazing in how you have handled this. Very dignified, much more than I would have been. Thankfully now though you can really move forward without having him under the same roof.

You will feel a ton of different emotions over the next few weeks but, one day fairly soon you will see how you feel so .much lighter, look after yourself and your dd, wishing you both well for the future x

Sorry I have been MIA work has been crazy the past week, I have been working long tiring days. Had a lovely weekend with my friends, Monday came and my world was rocked again. I have spoken with the local authority, as we are in a council house. H has told them he has left, I have applied for a sole tenancy but ultimately it is down to them if they let me keep the home due to the extra bedroom we have, we always wanted more kids but we weren't able to have any more. So now it is in their hands, honestly I have done nothing but cry, I sobbed today actually sobbing couldn't talk or anything. This is mine and dds consistently in this awful mess, this is our home. I have always paid my own rent, that won't change and we've been here nearly 15 years. I get there is a shortage but i feel like I can't actually cope with much more, I am literally hanging on now. My car has broken down again and I have had to borrow money from my mum to pay for it to be done and work out how to pay it back.

All I keep thinking is. when will something go my way? I get rid of H then get another load of mess. It's like the neverending cycle of crap being thrown at me. And he walked away....and actually had the audacity to say "you think this is easy for me? I have to leave everything" all he has done is created a massive mess for me to try and clean up...and I can't catch a bloody break throughout any of it.

Sorry for the ramble and rant need to get it out before I go to bed. I am just struggling, as horrible as what the future will bring i need to know the answers so I can get my head straight. At the moment there are too many what ifs and I feel like every aspect of my life is under someone else's control.

And after reading my optimistic post from last week it's safe to say if this is the middle part it feels worse than the first part of the journey.

Oh that must be really scary, not knowing if you can stay in your home. I don’t have a solution for you, just sympathy. I’m glad you can lean on your mum a bit. This is a good time to ask friends for really basic practical support. Can a friend bring you some meals so you don’t have to cook for a week? Or just come over for an evening to keep you company and keep the panic at bay. I found it so helpful in the worst days just having another adult in the house who knew and understood and I didn’t have to put on a brave face for.

You are doing so well, when relationships break down there is often so much crap that comes with that but it can feel like a pile on.

The house is out of your control and you can't influence that although I do agree that it was spiteful of him to tell them so soon.
Whatever decision the housing make you will be able to cope. It isn't nice to leave the home you have made but if you do then you'll make the next home really nice as well.
Could you pre-empt what they might say and have a look at some exchange sites and see what's about? Then you could exchange to the exact 2 bed property you want rather than be forced to take the first one they offer?

Are you able to claim any benefits?
Are you getting maintenance for your daughter?

Having to borrow money isn't ideal but it's so good your Mum is there to help.

Can you practice some self-care and be kind to yourself as you truly are smashing this 💜

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/notice_downsize_council_tenancy_succession

ok so read this first.

if the council wants to move you they must find you suitable alternative accommodation- ie in the same area, suitable for you and your daughter. If you’ve been there a long time with no problems or rent arrears, I think it unlikely they’ll do this, and even if they have something suitable they’ll have to take you to court where the court might (and probably will) side with you.
As for the car - don’t stress. Your mum was able to help and was probably glad to, so just get it sorted.
I know how frustrating it is when there’s something like this that’s out of your control but for now just try to focus on what matters most that you can control - having a new regular routine for your daughter for when she’s with her dad, what child support he will give. Get your council tax reduced because there’s only 1 adult in the house. Just carry on with the practical stuff, the positive stuff.
You’re really only just starting on a big journey, the house shit is just a small roadblock you’ve got to navigate early on, don’t let it distract you.
Deep breath - and keep reaching out any time if you need to.

Big hugs OP. These things never run smoothly but the good days will start to outweigh the bad ❤️

Thank you all for your kind messages. I have been MIA only to try and get some perspective and space.
Housing first...after speaking with the helpful but blunt housing officer who scared my out of my wits at the start of last week, I have spoken with 2 other officers who have reassured me that my home almost certainly safe. After speaking with a friend in the know, she will help fight it with me if it doesn't work out that way, ultimately how he has treated me is abuse and I am a victim and I shouldn't be made to leave. I will fight if I need to.
Him. Well I could just about, I'm not sure but I could. 😂😂he took dd to his after school, no problem then he didn't have fuel to bring her back to mine, he does have it tomorrow though when he is going to an event he goes to regularly, strange that? I didn't say a word except that I was having a bath and if dd didn't mind waiting (she didn't) the option was me pick her up straight away or she waits for me to have a bath then i would collect her. Anyone would think I was the one at work all day? Oh wait I was but I will still jump through hoops for dd, always. I'd find the money for petrol for dd if I needed too.
He also has booked this weekend off work (he doesn't know I know) and has told me he's working so can't see dd, again doesn't bother me at all, I just hurt for her. This is his 3rd weekend since he left and not seen her on it. Thankfully I work in education so have the holidays off with dd, I plan on visiting family and keeping busy with dd of course, if she wants to go to her dad's she can but were a team and she can always be with me, she knows anything I do she can do with me. That gives me comfort.

Last week when I posted I was so down now I realise it hit me hard as I had had some good days and it's been months since I had a real whole good day so it knocked me. I am trying to get my head around that I will have bad days and it is ok, because I am having good days, not bad days or numb days everyday.

The new normal is doing well I know I am only 2 weeks in but me and dd have got into our own little routine and it is absolute bliss. I am paying my mum back a bit each month towards what I owe, she doesn't expect it back anytime soon so that helps.
Work is helping, when I was at work for the most part I threw myself into it, that has been recognised and my boss told me what she said to her boss the other day, that she doesn't know how I have exceeded my role whilst dealing with everything else, that rocked me in the best way. Work was my constant after dd and I just tried my best. I needed that pick me up, he may have tried to destroy me but as cheesy as it is, he hasn't I really am coming back fighting, getting my head down and gritting my teeth I am doing it, long may it continue!

Positive update OP, glad to hear about the housing situation.
This time next year you won't know yourself! You sound like a brilliant mum, isn't it awful men can just Swan off!!
Glad she has you x

You are doing so well.

You always get a jobsworth in housing departments and it's a shame they were the first person you dealt with.

And as for your ex...he knows control of you is slipping away which is why he is trying to assert control by not dropping DD back or having her at weekends - he thinks he is stopping you living your life (and probably finding another man as men think women can't possibly leave for any reason than a man!l) when in fact DD just continues to be in your life as normal.

Onwards and upwards - you've got this 💜

OP i just read your entire thread and I'm speechless! You should be so proud of yourself! The transformation from the beginning of your thread to now has been incredible. You are so strong, but you always were I think you just didn't realise it with a dead weight sitting on top of you. You've handled everything with such grace and I think it will be good for your DD to see that her mother has a backbone and what she will not stand for as a model for her in relationships going forwards. I think your ex's behaviour with his lies and excuses for not seeing his DD is entirely predictable sadly. Just remember that no matter what happens... you got this! You have proved to yourself you can handle the worst and that is because of your character and your resilience. You will make it.

I wish you every happiness in the future xx

@Diarygirlqueen thank you. I am hoping this time next month i will feel surprised with myself, I can't imagine in 12 months time. Each day I feel a little stronger.
@SortingItOut your so right, it is control i never thought of it like that but today it has really settled in my head, he is still trying to control me. I am not interested in anyone else, and tbh i can't see myself being interested in meeting anyone, at least for a good long while, the thought scares me but I'm sure that's the only reason I can leave the house for...certainly in his head anyway.
@BrunetteBarbie94 thank you for reading my whole thread. I have done it a few times when I need a pick me up to see how far I have already come, that person in December doesn't seem like anyone I know. I feel stronger than I have ever done, not as lonely as I was despite being single, I just feel more empowered.

So today I have done running around for him to collect dd, he upset dd because I was late...doing something to ease his life because he wanted to go somewhere after dds club and she didn't so I picked her up. I spoke with dd on the phone a few times she was getting upset but I reassured her. I knew she was mirroring his feelings, he came on the phone and started shouting at me. I put my boundaries in and spoke in my formal work voice, the professional done f@ck with me voice and told him, it was not acceptable to talk to me like that and I do not expect to be spoken to like that, he hung up. I collected dd and she had tears in her eyes, I calmed her down and cheered her up we had a lovely hour laughing and messing about before she's gone to get ready. I doubt he will talk to me for a while, but again that is not my problem I am enforcing my boundaries but I could hear him panic I have never spoken with him like that I have previously apologised under his disrespect, now he has no power over me. Now that felt empowering. More than anything I feel that moment is where I took myself back.

Seeing dd upset hurt me, I hadn't done it on purpose it was a mistake I got lost and couldn't find them as he wanted to park somewhere he hadn't before, but me standing up for myself is showing her that you can control a situation without shouting, I haven't messaged him to say he was out of order. He is a grown man he can either acknowledge it or not, that is not my place to try and correct his behaviour all I can do is enforce what is and isn't acceptable for me and dd.

Good for you OP, your boundaries are becoming stronger.
Have you ever found out for sure if there is another woman?

@Diarygirlqueen I have never found out 100% that there is someone else. I think there is but like I said to him before I won't go looking, either he is honest with me or not, we were past it changing anything anyway given his behaviour.

I will say this though, he has this weekend booked off work, valentines weekend but has told me that he is working so can't have dd. Says enough to me, he's either spending it with someone or trying to stop me going out, I mean who would I even go out with even if I was interested? Or maybe a combination of the two. Either way I get to spend valentines weekend with the person I love the most, dd so I am more than happy with that one again i am not the one missing out and neither is dd