When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

Just hit a wobbly moment myself so I came on here to read and distract myself - usually I just lurk around 😀.
I have read everything on this thread (11 pages!) and my head has now cleared, so thank you.

I am six weeks in, still living together (thankfully not married) but a jointly owned house to sort. Long story short - emotionally abusive, plays the victim, refuses to communicate so I called 'time' - my little red flags have been waving at me for a long time but I always blamed myself - why wasn't I good enough? Was I too emotional? Maybe if I did better - whilst he continued to sit back and not participate in the relationship.

What really resonated with me was the loss of time. I have lost fifteen years of my life! He was an emotionally unavailable bully when I met him and I thought it was all me. I need to trust my instincts better.

You are an inspiration - thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us travellers. 😘

Evening all,

I know its late but I am not sleeping for a different reason but the same reason I have been MIA, I have been really poorly, finally on antibiotics and feeling more myself however they knock me out completely so when dd when to her dad's this afternoon I slept for the whole afternoon, now my routine is completely gone...I think the stress of the last few months, running on fumes and finally having some time off has knocked me and made me so poorly but I am getting better. Went to my sisters once I woke up as I was feeling really sorry for myself, i called her and she knew I was upset and gave me to option of coming to hers or she was coming to get me. Gosh I love her so much, she has been my rock.

@pikkumyy77 I have definitely been putting my foot in front of each other, more on some days than the others. Especially this week but now I am on the mend I am planning on making the most of my time with dd whilst we're off, I did apologise to her earlier because I felt guilty we hadn't done as much as we normally do, bless her she looked at me like I had two heads and said "mom your not well. I am happy being here and us chilling together" made my worries float away.
@AcrossthePond55 thank you for your wonderful words. I am trying to be triumphant, for me and for dd to show her that no matter what you can pick yourself up again and move forward, whilst also doing it with dignity.
@Hyggehogger fuckwit....made my day! I don't think I've ever used that word but I can see it becoming a good internal description of H. Never outloud but often inside my head. Also thank you for your kind words, everything i do is for dd in one way or another and the face that it is helping me be a stronger person is a bonus. I know myself, I know my limits and if I was to do it for me I wouldn't try as hard, wouldn't be where I am but for dd I know I will try my best.
@OchreRaven I haven't said anything yet but I will test the waters in a few weeks, I am assuming he has told her because she has been for the first time ever twice this week to stay over his. Now the reasoning is, I think, because previously she asks me where I am going when she's at her dad's, who I am with etc I give her the information but I think at that point she was worried I was meeting someone else or had met someone, I'm honest with dd because really there is nothing to tell, not even spoken with another man except my 2 male friends who she has met. One is a married gay may and the other is much younger and he is a friend, there is not interest either way so she knows there is nothing and I don't go out with these friends I know them through work. So I think she either knows or suspects that's why she has stayed.
@Havingaswimmoose thank you for your reply. My sleeping pattern is shot at the moment, tomorrow i plan on waking up semi early and powering through it's just the antibiotics always kick my ass and make me sleep but tomorrow I am getting back into the routine and that will help me get some normality especially as me and dd have a busy week planned next week.
@Creameded thank you for the stories, it's nice knowing that it works out for some. I definitely got rid of the loser me and my sister were discussing what my life may look like going forward and it was nice thinking of the future. Dd is definitely much happier, even if she's moody sometimes (hormones mostly) but she's doing well, our home is peaceful now and we have our own little routines. She's adjusting well to the new changes and I am so proud of her. I know it won't always be like this but I am trying my best for her and from what I can see she is responding well.
@Sunflowers67 I am sorry your going through a tough time, especially still living together, that time was the hardest. For me it felt like I couldn't breathe, work was my salvation and my safe space, it may not have been the healthiest place but I had a place and in those times, you sort of take what you can get just to get you through the day. I am always here and if you ever want to private message your always welcome to. I can't say I've got amazing advice but I have been through it, especially where you are now. The loss of time is hard to get past but tomorrow isn't promised, so make the most of the days you have got left. 15 years is a long time but imagine if it was another 15 years? In the grand scheme of things it isn't the who part of your life just a chuck of it, but it doesn't define your whole life so make the most of what you do have and be grateful you didn't give him anymore time. Also, they are great at being the victim, I know mine certainly was, that's what made me not react at all, knowing he wanted to be the victim and if I had reacted in any way it would have been manipulated into his version of events to make him the poor unfortunate soul. My stubbornness has certainly helped there, now I'm almost conditioned to not respond, even if its externally I don't respond I react inside then work through my feelings myself and then I feel much better, so I'm not holding onto those feelings, rather processing them in a more healthy way for me. I'm sure it won't work for everyone or maybe even anyone else but it's helping me control the situation with him and my own emotions. I feel like this has helped me grow so much more emotionally, and helped me look honestly at myself and where I needed to grow as a person and what i want from life.

Sorry it's a long one I just wanted to catch up with you all and I want you all to know how much I appreciate the messages.

Also something strange happened this week, randomly he sent me some money "incase case dd needs anything" I nearly fell through the floor, but I didn't say thank you, it was hard everything instilled in me made me want to but I am not thanking him for doing something he should have a long time ago, it is not something that I should be grateful for it is an obligation that he hasn't done. So I responding ok. Petty, maybe but it's done now and I did feel better about it so oh well. Not expecting it to be regular but was grateful for it for ds, I have brought her some bits for school, kept some money for her to go out with her friends and will keep the extra towards anything she needs this week or in the coming weeks.

Your ‘ok’ text is brilliant and although I’m sure you don’t feel it, shows you are getting stronger. To even have the mental capacity to think ‘hang on, no! It’s not something I should be grateful for, it’s HIS responsibility to financially provide for his dd’ so well done you!

@SamDeanCas yes I loved the OK message I even put a full stop after it, made my day! 😂actually my week.

Evening all,

It's been nearly a month since I've checked in so thought I would pop back.
Let's get talking about the rubbish out of the way first...H - i am still not sure if he has told dd but she isn't forthcoming with seeing him, she still goes once a week but it's getting later and later when she goes and she is deciding up until the last minute when she wants to go, this is something I plan on addressing with both of them this week and having set days. H has been a bit more vocal in social media with OW, a few people have told me, I think they expect me to be gutted but I just laugh, honestly it's so cringeworthy I can't help but laugh! He's also been consistent with other stupid things he has done, he had dd on a school night last week and she sent me a voice message saying he didn't have anything for her lunch so could I put some money on her account...honestly it's shameless. She actually sounded mortified to be asking but I did it because it's for her and I always said I would only help if it was for dd.

Anyway on to me. So I was feeling a bit sorry for myself after I last posted so I joined online dating, I didn't set any expectations and thought it could help my confidence, I met with someone a few times and he seems lovely, he knows my situation and I am not looking to rush into anything and he is so nice, we talk every day and I really feel much better in myself, he is the total opposite of my H in every way. Not sure where it will go as I do have my guard up understandably but I am trying to enjoy it. So we shall see, but I am hopeful!

Dd is doing well when she's at home, still comes back from H moody but that is subsiding quicker, she's talking more to me about her life, boys, general school kid drama but it's lovely. H does text her everyday but I'm not sure how deep it goes or how much they actually speak. Had an incident 2 weeks ago when I was running late and dd was running early from a day trip at school...he initially didn't answer my calls but dd prompted him and he said he will collect her but he can't have her as he is unwell...no words I just made other plans, he didn't like that as I couldn't physically get there as I was driving back from a meeting and he didn't reluctantly keep dd with him despite being unwell...poor thing, I'm not sure if he thinks i ship dd somewhere when I'm unwell or if I continue to look after dd, even though she's not a toddler who needs constant eyes on her, run a house and have a full time job...just hilarious!

I’m glad you are exploring your new world and trying things to see what is a good fit and what isn’t.
I think having the conversation about set days will be good for everyone so they know who is where and when. It may take tweaking to work things out but a conversation is a good start.

@LostInMyLife

I think you're doing wonderfully well. Handling him as he is, an 'irritation' in your life, not the 'catastrophe' he wants to be. It sort of reminds me of Dory in Finding Nemo...you 'just keep swimming'.

DD is doing great. She's taking after you. Sorting things through in her head slowly and in her own time. She comes to you to talk when she feels the need but tries to work it out on her own first. And that's really good, it sets her up for adult life and responsibilities.

Keep your 'guard' up with 'new man'. I think you're still 'learning yourself' and you want that to continue. Look on him as 'an addition' to your life but not a 'focus' of it.

Here's to a great summer!!!

Well done for getting out there and dipping your toe in the dating pool - very brave and hopefully very validating for you.

Definitely get those set days agreed, and keep holding those boundaries firm! 💪

Keep going OP, you are doing great.

Well done. I like that last update.

No surprises that he's already failing his DD in several ways. I bet in a year or two, they'll hardly see one another.

I'm glad you're into OLD. Why not, as they say. Good for you.

Evening,

Just a check in as it's been over a month.

Me and dd are doing well, well dd is doing as well as expected. She had a little meltdown a few weeks ago and confided in my mum, she has suspicions of ex having a new partner (its the one he went off with) but he denied it, dd told my mum she knows he is lying to her...
I've spoken with her and she did tell me a few weeks later, shes like my shadow at times but im always here for her, been planning nice days and had some lovely days out and special time with dd.
Ex isn't seeing dd much, and dd is pulling back and only wanting to go roughly once a fortnight now, he isn't bothered or has reacted. I have encouraged her to see her dad but she just says she wants to stay at home, Im not sure how I can argue that when he isn't making an effort.

Things with my "friend" are going well, we're taking it slow but manage to see each other once a week, he is understanding of my situation with dd and that I am not available like others but happy to have what time I have available with me. I am just enjoying it, not pinning my hopes on everything and trying to stay in the moment. I am also hoping that in the summer I will have some more time when I am not at work to have some days out with him, we shall see.

Still not heard anything about the tenancy but the longer I am here and they aren't sorting it out, the better it looks for me to keep the house so I am putting it to the back of my mind and moving forward with my life.

Done lots of decorating and changing things in my home to make it "ours" i am currently working on the garden, anything i can do that doesn't cost me anything i am doing to make it a nice place and also put mine and dds stamp on it.

Thank you all for your support the past 7 months, I know i am still not all the way there but the version of me that started this thread feels like someone else.

What a great update!
You're doing everything right, you'll not know yourself this time next year.
Your ex sounds so disappointing, such a shame he never stepped up as a father. His loss.
I'm so happy to hear you're dating, fingers crossed 🤞

You are doing absolutely fabulously! Taking a day at a time and simply enjoying life and its pleasures.

DD will come to her own understanding of the situation in her own time. You are an unfailing support to her, how could she not?

Ah well done! It is so good to hear, thank you for the update.
It does help the rest of us to keep going.
You are doing just fabulously 🌻

That's good news, I think your DD will probably stop the visits to her dad, but that's her call. He is not making the effort and she knows it. Plus he's lying to her about the OW. Just carry on with how you are, you're doing brilliantly x

Have you had any legal advice regarding the tenancy and divorce? My understanding is that the only way one of you can be removed from the existing tenancy (without having to end it and get a new one, which is risky as that's at the housing association's discretion) is for a judge to order it as part of the divorce settlement. That way is 100% safe since the housing association can't prevent it if it's court ordered. My experience with housing officers is less than good, with them withholding information and outright lies, so it doesn't surprise me that they haven't advised you of the divorce court option to have your husband removed from the tenancy. Be careful, and get proper advice before doing anything with your current tenancy.

I was just thinking of you yesterday and so pleased to read your update. So your DH is now lying to his DD, that is going to do her trust in him no favours at all so I’m not surprised she’s pulling back. Is this OW nearer her age? This could really damage their relationship but you being there for her steady and supportive will be invaluable for her. Have you told her about your new friend?

Evening all,

Just another check in from me. Life is quiet but nice.

Do is doing well and having a lovely holiday, I took her away for a cheap and cheerful few days, we spent quality time together, had deep chats, made some wonderful memories of our "first break" just us with the dogs.

EXH has introduced dd to OW, I'm not sure if it's as a friend or more, as dd didn't say and I didn't ask, ultimately she's ok and that's all that matters to me. Still waiting on any kind of financial contribution from him, asked him for money towards one of dds extra curriculum activities (he doesn't appreciate this as its in the arts) he was paying me 5 weeks ago, I won't chase but I will remember.

I'm doing well, everyday I am feeling more and more empowered, I have finished my garden and completed revamped it myself, Exh loved the trees and bushes everywhere (I realised as I was cutting them down it was another way to keep us isolated as he "hated the neighbours being able to look in despite wonderful neighbours) anyway dd said today when we were out there how much better it looks and she loves it the new way, that made me feel even better. One independent woman over here.

Things with my "friend" 😉are going well, hit the 3 month mark the other week, it just feels nice he's so calm and patient, I overthink quite a bit sometimes and he is fine with it, took me a while and a conversation with a therapist friend as to why I am overthinking when I never have before...it's because I am myself now, being who I want to be and the overthinking is partly due to me worrying if I am ok as I am...scary how someone can change you that much that you walk on eggshells but your being someone they want rather than yourself...see I am still working on myself.

Loving the holidays and quality time with dd, EX has seen dd a bit more (and I mean a bit) she wanted to see him this morning before she went out at one but he couldn't see her because he had work at 4pm this afternoon...no words.

Hope all is well, sending lots of love xxxxxx

Why aren’t you going to CMS for him to contribute, I can’t remember!

Great update, you sound so much happier.

Thanks for updating. It's so good to hear you and DD are doing well. I bet it felt good getting rid of the bushes and trees, a bit like getting rid of him again 🤣

Oh I love those moments of feeling empowered when you achieve something all on your lonesome. They are just the best! All the little things that he didn't want to do or didn't like I now do. I painted the hallway red instead of his preferred magnolia everywhere, I got the car fixed, I mow the grass when it needs doing instead of having to bargain with sex to get it done, I put up some pictures that I liked and he hated, I got a tattoo, I changed my hair, I dress in the clothes I like, I load the dishwasher like a 5 year old but it gets clean, I let the dogs sleep with me in the bed.....oh the list is endless and I have plenty more plans yet :-)

Well done and I am glad you had some quality time with your DD.

Evening all,

Another random check in. Same old, things are going well with me and dd, shes had a few wobbles about her dad, he hasn't booked any time around her birthday and so she won't see him, shes upset but calming now and we've made plans (she wanted to spend the bulk of her time with her dad, it broke my heart but I didn't say anything and respected her wishes and made plans over the weekend) he's just not making the effort.

I didn't go to the CMS as he doesn't really earn anything I think i would get around £7 a week. Id rather have my pride, silly I know but it's the truth.

Things going well with the man I am seeing, slow but nicely just how I wanted it, I am actually really lucky, he is understandable especially now dd isn't staying at her dad's (shes refusing to go as he won't admit his relationship despite her being there all the time, staying over etc) so we have limited time to see each other, but speak everyday and we see each other even for a few hours a couple of times a week.

Life is going OK and I am taking it each day as it comes.

Forever grateful for you all being there when I needed a helping hand xxxx

Well done, op.
I understand about CMS and your pride.. but that money is for DD. Even if it is £7. You are clearly surviving well without it, so I would get the CMS for DD and put it in a JISA or something.
She gets whatever it amounts to when she's 18.
But well done, OP. Wishing you all the best.