When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

This time next year your life will be so different. You'll look back and wonder what you saw in him. You're a brilliant mum and a strong woman. I wish you a happy future.

Thank you @BigAnne it means a lot. I am trying to stay strong and the positive of what this year my bring it helping me, I'm really hoping its better this time next year but I have a long road in front of me and dd I am scared but I will try my best.

So I slept so well, as a certain someone did not come to bed as asked, it was weird but nice. It was even nicer when I hear the dog wake him at stupid o clock to get him up, I turned and went back to sleep. Tonight I will make my way upstairs early so he doesn't go upstairs to be away from me. I can watch tv in bed. It was nice that he respected something I asked, he might not want to tell me what has gone one and why its happened like this, but at least he respected me enough to follow my wishes. It won't change anything but has made me feel a little less like dog mess on his shoe. If only he would respect us enough to leave.

Dd has just told me he is taking her out for the afternoon to his parents house so my day has opened up. I am getting annoyed at him just deciding to take her out so I am here on my own but it's good for dd to see her grandparents, me I am dreading seeing them for the first time, as altho I haven't done anything, their precious son could never hurt anyone...but I will be nice, calm and polite, they can think what they want as I know the truth.

Today I will go and do some shopping and have a little pamper time to myself, something nice just for me.

Nothing much to report over the last few days, he is still here much to my disappointment. I am trying to make conversation, light airy conversation to keep some normality for dd, he isn't really responding. I spoke with a few more close friends and explained the situation, one took me by shock and asked if he was having a mid life crisis and if she could talk to him, I shut that down straight away and advised how I have been treated and have been feeling, she is now supporting me through this but it hit me like a stone wall. Anyway my other friends are here for me too, which is nice I just struggle to say the words out loud, I think it is because I feel so bad about how I have been treated and feel so worthless, or at least I did at the time now I am trying to be positive about my future.

Tomorrow I am back at work and so some form of normality, I am not sure if it will help or make me worse especially since I am not sleeping well. Some normality for dd is definitely a positive.
I feel like a cliché as I have dramatically changed my hair, the compliments I have had have been lovely and I do feel better, it's a style I have never had before but I am embracing it. Cliche or not, my life is changing so I am going to try and embrace it. H has been good about sleeping elsewhere he sleeps on the sofa now every night, and I haven't had a nightmare since, I knew it was the emotional stress I am also hoping it helps me get into bed earlier as I think part of the reason I wasn't sleeping is that I didn't want to go to bed when he was in there.

That’s great he is not sleeping in the bed anymore, must be a relief for you. I think work/school and back to normal routine will help distract you and be a positive move forwards. Has he given you any recent update on if/when he will be moving out?

Could you and DD arrange some weekends away staying with family/friends? Or you go stay away one weekend and let DD spend a weekend with her Dad. I think the less time you spend in the house with him the better.

I think you're doing great OP, you seem really level-headed.
I hope he moves out soon so you and your daughter can move on to better times.

@Hollietree it is a relief that he is not sleeping in my bed, I have managed to get a bit more sleep. Being back today has definitely helped, I mean work was hard but it was some normality. One if my friends at work was the first one to know anything as I broke down in my office and she found me, its been comforting to be back with her, I mean we have spoken over the holidays but it's not the same as having a big hug. No updates about the big move, i am thinking it will be in the next few weeks, and hoping as soon as possible.
I have also planned lots of nice things for me and dd to get us out of the house on a weekend. And my some sort of cosmic luck I had 2 friends of hers ask if she wanted to stay at theirs over the next few weeks so that is her out of the house and occupied with nice things.
@Diarygirlqueen thank you, I am trying to stay level headed and I haven't actually lost my head once which is amazing, I don't cry in front of him or dd, i hold that in and remove myself but the past few days it has been when I have spoken about the situation with family and friends that I've got upset. Normally I would hate to cry in front of people but not at the moment, I have realised it is healthy to get it out and not bottle it up inside and that people are here for me.

So it's been a strange week around here. I broke down on Wednesday at work, quite dramatically and my boss is now aware of the situation altho she has been really supportive.
Found emails to a woman from H work, with details of his new place along with a blank application, not sure if they are looking to live together but I wouldn't know why else you would send that information.
I sat H down yesterday and did not give him a chance to refuse to talk to me, I reminded him that dd is our priority and communication is key as we will always be tied to each other due to dd so we need to be civil. He tried to manipulate me a few times but I put a stop to it then he stopped completely once I did not react and I corrected him. I told him he was a coward too. No shouting, just a controlled conversation, i did feel better after it, I mean he said some awful things but the power was gone from him.
Today I have felt lighter and he said he is hoping to hear back from a property in the next few days, in-laws know about the situation no one has reached out to say hope you and dd are OK? Or even go to hell, just nothing. But that is down to them.

I have kept myself busy but tomorrow i am staying in the house, I want to sort things out and get it tided up. I managed to sleep more last night which is a bonus, I also want to plan a trip with dd for later in the year and we can have something to look forward too, maybe an adventure kind of trip, something we haven't done before, I will speak with dd tomorrow and see what she thinks.

Right off to bed and will hopefully have a nice lie in tomorrow

Sending lots of love and sympathy, you have been through hell and don't deserve it. Wishing you the best, you seem so strong and I hope the knowledge that strangers on the Internet care about you & your DD helps you on this difficult journey.

Well done for staying so assertive and calm during that chat. Although very hurtful, I’m sure you felt better after getting lots off your chest and showing him that he cannot manipulate the situation.

Can’t believe that the in-laws haven’t sent you even 1 text to check you are ok. You have been in their family a long time and mother of their Grandchild. Have you had a good relationship with them previously? I wonder if their son has told them a different story than reality - likely made you the bad guy and him the unfortunate hero.

Don’t worry about work - it’s a great thing your boss knows your situation and will hopefully continue to be supportive.

@Escapingafter50years thank you, it certainly does feel like I have been to hell and back recently, I cant believe how things have changed so much. It does help that there are people that care, everyone here helped me so much especially during the first few weeks when no one in RL knew anything and even now some do this is still my safe space.
@Hollietree it was hard staying level headed especially when he was provoking me but I think me working on my self respect and confidence has helped me. I stayed calm and managed the conversation well, he was getting frustrated but I suppose if you have manipulated someone for so long then it doesn't work how would you feel? Well did have a deep conversation and it wasn't easy but I could see it affected him more than me but I think it's because I have been actively processing things and working on myself. When someone doesn't talk to you it's easy to have more time to think. I had a good relationship with my in-laws, never a fall out or anything it has surprised me more than anything tbh i can't believe there hasn't been a message, i agree he has given them his version of what's happened and that's ok, if they want to just ignore me they are welcome to, it's only what their son has done anyway. I will just keep doing what I am doing and focusing on dd and working on myself.

You know when you just can't catch a break?that's my life now. Well H did not get the flat he tried to rent, they didn't even get someone else they are putting it back out there to get someone more "suitable" I think maybe he is realising not working full time, having me support him and deciding he wants to walk away on a whim (because that's what it was, no conversation with me to see if we could work through any issues) doesn't mean it will be easy. But oh my life, it means he's here even longer i was hoping he would get the keys and be gone this week but no such luck. I don't even know what to say anymore.

On the plus side dd is doing well. I took her out yesterday and next weekend she is staying at a friends and we have a party another night so that is a bonus. Today I am out most of the day which is good I just need to get the motivation to actually move and start my day.

Me, i am doing ok. I have kept myself busy this weekend but I am hoping for a rest day soon but until the house is just mine and dds I won't feel relaxed although it is feeling better after our conversation on Thursday, not great but I can be civil without it hurting me so much and it is coming a bit easier to me.i read my old posts last night and it helped me realise quite how far I have come in only a month.

You're doing amazing ❤️

But as for your H, well that's a waste of space isn't it. He needs to go to his parents now and get out from under your feet.

Sadly I can't say I'm surprised op. I never expected him to leave. Because he probably would have already.

Why would he? Unless the new woman is ready to have him move in with her?

He'll end up having to pay double rent, plus he won't have anyone to run around after him.

If you haven't already, Stop doing anything for him. No washing, no tidying up after. Obviously I'm not saying to be spiteful (eg if you're cooking food for you and the kids and there's stiff left over he can have, fine). But make it clear you are seperated.

I'd also be pushing him to leave for his parents.
'OK, I'm sorry it fell through but this is ridiculous. Were over. Go to your parents. Duh'.

If he stays, act like you don't get why, like it's weird 'to want to stay in the same house as your ex'. Keep making it clear you are over.

Hopefully you've not lonf left on the lease.

Yeah he needs to go his parents OP and you need to live as separately as you can while he’s still in the house.

Why does he not work full time? Has he ever worked full-time? Ugh I honestly couldn’t tolerate a man like this unless he was doing most of the childcare and housework or there was some other good reason for him not working full time .

The problem is with men like that is you provide them everything and demand little of them, they slowly end up with contempt and disdain for you.

It's always a chicken or an egg scenario though tbf. These sort of men often want this scenario to begin with. They want surrogate mums because they've no interest in adulting.

Then when she begins to buckle under the load or, push them towards independence, they resent her. May even get jealous of her new (actual) children. Resenting that bond for taking her attention away from them.

They push women slowly through weaponised incompetence and always falling short of carrying their share. Bit by but, she finds herself becoming mother. Even if she was never so inclined before she met him.

And her exhaustion at carrying them, is like holding a mirror up to them and their shit and showing them how lazy they really are. So they resent her for it.

Your doing great OP and are becoming a super strong woman what aa wonderful example you are for your daughter- she will know in future you don't have to put up with any sh!t even from a future husband - so well done. As for the waste of space husband give him 2 weeks to get out then send him back to his mother - Take more control back - you've got this

She’s right, he needs to go. Rental market is so tight - landlords can really pick and choose who they want, they’ll only opt for the solvent secure ft job no kids no pets option, so I hope his parents have a nice spare room. And it’s only when he goes that OP will be able to breathe properly again.

Oh my life your messages are wonderful. They have made me tear up. I wish you were all here in RL. You have all hit the nail on the head with so many points.

@Fannyfiggs yes he is a waste of space. I think that is the best overall description I would come up with!
@Pinkbonbon I have stopped doing everything except folding his washing i put it all on a pile in a washing basket hoping when it goes it will be easier for him. Tbh he has never said he would go before so at the very least it is a step forward but he needs to leave, I am not sure why he would want to stay here on the sofa when his parents have a perfectly good bedroom with a bed for him? I mean it's not exactly the best place in the world here at the moment. I will be using some of the lines you said though, that's half of my problem not knowing what to say so he can't throw it back at me later.
I am being honest here, I am not sure what else I could have given him. When we spoke this week he did say I don't make any effort and come home somedays and fall asleep, my answer to that was "I am exhausted I already do so much it does take its toll" he was trying to blame me when in reality that man has never so much as taken me for a meal I didn't book myself, organise and often than most pay for. But yes he thinks it's my fault. Due to the lack of caring for others there is no point arguing about it, he won't listen or understand and tbh it's not my problem I know the truth. I know my truth and as long as I learn from it that's ok.
@Ladyoatcookies he has worked full time, the last time was about 4 years ago, he got "made redundant" or rather they did that for him instead of sacking him, the job a couple of years before he got sacked, but again it was everyone else's fault...im just annoyed I didn't see it sooner. He works a couple of nights a week now as we can afford it due to my wages, I mean we aren't flush at all but he does suffer with his mental health but I am not sure how much can be his mental health, I know it sounds cynical but as you can see he isn't the most delightful of people anyway, he is very stubborn, doesn't have any empathy and never says sorry or admits he was wrong, there is always a reason why. I guess I felt sorry for him with him struggling and as I loved him I wanted to help him. Unfortunately I didn't know when to stop and he wouldn't stop taking.
@Freeme31 thank you, your post is lovely I am trying to show dd that we will be ok, that I can be ok as a woman I can do everything by myself if I need to and if it's best for us. Which it will be. Timelines don't work for him he is very much in his own world and the more I dig in the longer he will stay, if I approach it in a nicely nicely way I have a better chance of success.
@Bittenonce I know he needs to go. It's what I want more than anything. The rental marked is hard and he is not a great looking Tennant on paper or off paper even. The annoying thing is his brother rents out properties and they are around the same price and some lower than what he is looking at, now if it were me I'd rather pay my siblings rent than someone else but I don't think he wants to discuss the situation, the brother and his family get on well with me and I know he is outspoken and he won't like what has been said BUT it could mean he gets out of here faster...may have to mention it to him to see if it has occurred to him.

H is definitely not an adult in any other way except age, he wasn't always like this when we got together he was so "put together" if that makes sense but the longer we got together and probably after dd was born he did get worse and start to slip at that point I worked part time (I have always earned well and earned more than his full time wage) so I did everything and I mean everything in the house as he was working more hours then the last time he got "made redundant" I hadn't long been made redundant (mine was legitimate as the business closed) and I got a full time job so he looked for part time work whilst he was struggling with his mental health, I supported him through everything and even now I do a good 80% if the household chores, taking dd to clubs, arranging childcare for when we're at work i also do all the finances, organise everything from gas check for the boiler to repairs for any household items, I cook every meal, shopping, put all clothes away when I look at that I am disgusted at myself but I need to see it to reflect it also makes me realise what other few bits will I need to pick up that he does now because it won't be much at all and I am sure I can manage it especially as the house won't get as messy, the washing won't be as much and the bills will be less...feeling pathetic but determined.

I am also aware this didn't all happen overnight it was gradual and so I didn't notice until now when I am reflecting on our relationship. But I'm done being his other mother I think its time his actual mother took him back. Poor bloke, he thinks he's being hard done by, that real world is going to come as a shock!
I am also not an angel and certainly not a martyr so please don't think I am, but I work bloody hard for my family and won't stop doing it for dd, if there is a breathe in my body I will do what I can for her but not him, he is done and a part of me feels like he has ruined me for my future, I know I will never trust someone again because I can't trust myself to not let this happen. I do know I will need some counselling sessions at some point but atm survival is what is keeping me going, when he has gone I can start work on myself with a professional atm I am getting through each day but you here are my wonderful counsellors and cheerleaders and thankful like me you can see through his bull too.

Must admit I’m not a big fan of therapy. You just need space and time, friends you can trust. Then see…. But first you need to get to a normal that’s without him, try not to prejudge how you’ll be once the dust has settled. I kind of feel you’ve got more in you than you know

Thank you @Bittenonce I agree I think i do have more in me, my mum did raise a strong daughter. I appreciate your comments I think its more the trust issues I may need support with in the long term but for now I can cope, and support if needed won't be for a very long time first I need to get him out, then I need to support dd and let things settle into a routine and see how I am then and if I feel support is needed but who knows what the future will bring and I don't want to say never with anything....except him, I can 110% say never again, i won't be going back there.

The version of me from a month ago is like a different person, and altho I have bad days and bad moments they aren't always bad days or bad moments and I think thats the positive, if I can be moving forward and getting my head together whilst having him here and living like this, when he is gone I should be able to be ok, I mean it can't be any worse...

Trust - will come. You’ll know better now, who and when you can trust. Must admit I’ve always been sort of a ‘trust first until they show you otherwise’ sort of person. Learnt to hold that back until it’s earned. But if you’ve got in in you, it will always be there

I've just read all your posts and your transformation has given me goosebumps! You have stepped into your power and you are never leaving it. You are starting to love yourself and to say no, I don't deserve your scraps. You are an inspiration for your daughter. I wish you all the best in this new chapter.