When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

Aww @LostInMyLife it has been a hard few weeks and now an extra crappy few days for you. Is there any other space you could sleep in? Even a floor bed in with DD? She sounds very mature and like she will be fine but therapy is always worth exploring if needed. I think I missed something. You were hoping to go to your parents with DD but now you have to spend it at home with him and his parents? Well that sounds unbearable actually. Are you doing this for DDs sake? Would she really want you to be that miserable? I think I would have breakfast with her then absent myself till evening, if that’s the set-up. But you know best and I may have picked it up wrong. I really hope you get some sleep xx

No sorry, I am at my mums for the afternoon but apparently on the evening the in-laws are coming around...truely the gift that keeps on giving it.

I have also been down the rabbit hole of our tenancy agreement. We live in a 3 bedroom council house, moved here 12 years ago with the hope of expanding our family unfortunately we were unable to and I have been looking and apparently me and dd staying here is having the house under occupied, we could lose our home if i take him off the tenancy agreement. I can't call or speak with anyone until Friday so I am not sure how common it is to lose your home in these circumstances....egh feeling awful! I grasp a handle on one thing and lose it further on another.

I don’t think you will lose your house but you may need to pay the ‘bedroom tax’ for being under occupied. It’s a drag but not generally onerous if you’re working.
Just to say you’re doing really well in the circumstances. So hard to deal with such an unproactive person, I can feel the drag of his dead weight from here.
Make sure you get the key from him so he doesn’t lurk in your house while dropping your daughter after school or anything like that. Your house needs to become your safe space that he can’t sully anymore. I know I regretted not doing that with my ex and he would hang about making himself cups of tea. Drove me nuts.
Onwards and upwards, Peace and Prosperity.

Such a lot of lifechanging decisions in the last few weeks and big emotions.
You're naturally going to feel sad at the ending of your marriage. Sit on them feelings.
But you know what? I really think you're going to thrive without him, you're a strong woman.
Here's to 2025, new changes for the better x

I don't think it will become "under-occupied" if he leaves, because surely the expectation is that you're sharing a room?

I think it has always been "under-occupied" but that was accepted? They don't give out 3-bed houses to families who might want to have more kids.

I doubt you would lose your home - your housing need remains the same with your dd. It might be they offer something smaller but it depends what stock they have.

Morning and Merry Christmas everyone.

I don't need to worry about the bedroom tax as I pay all the rent anyway and that wouldn't change without him here as I wouldn't be entitled it any support for rent due to my income. We exchanged into our home from a 2 bedroom, the house was a shell and a disgustingly dirty one, we made it the house it is today. I am going to try and put it to the back of mind all I can until Friday and I will call on Friday morning and speak with the council and see if I can get some answers.

There has been so many changes the past few weeks and your right @category12 my housing needs are the same, but this is the council were talking about...I am just hoping we can stay if not I will fight tooth and nail, next door is a woman on her own in a 3 bedroom house, she doesn't use the garden except to smoke in when the weather is warm...if I have to go they can take explain to me why she gets to stay but me and my child have to leave? Yes I know I would he changing my tenancy but that's a joke!

Her tenancy is completely irrelevant to yours and doesn't set a precedent, though.

Try not to worry too much. As a single parent your housing need is probably greater than it was with a partner.

@category12 I know her tenancy is irrelevant it is just another worry, and its knowing I can't get answers for at least a few days. I will call and explain the situation, I really hope they agree to keep my tenancy for just me. More than anything I need it to hold on to. I have tried to hold strong for so long but now I am wavering and I know that it will be the straw that breaks everything i have tried to hold on so hard I don't want it to slip.

Right I'm trying to forget it now. Dh has a face on him, nothing knew there but me and dd are watching a film and enjoying our Christmas morning.

Could you sublet the spare room to a female lodger? Might as well make some extra cash if you can.

You are doing amazingly well op, stay strong!

In the meantime make a list of things you need to sort, phone the council and make sure you're housing will be OK and start a claim for Universal Credit and don't forget child maintenance too (that is not taken into account when housing and UC calculated). Sounds like he has free-loaded off you for a long time and now he can step up and actually start contributing.

Personally I wouldn't even be there for when the in-laws turn up, stay at your parents house and enjoy being around people who truly love and support you.
If the in-laws kick off then tell them your son is moving out and they can get the full story from him.

You've got this op. Have a lovely day 💐

@Pinkbonbon thank you for the suggestion but I can afford to live here and not really reduce our lifestyle, it may take a little readjusting but not by much.

@ruddygreattiger thank you for your message, as it happens he took dd to his parents house, I had a bath and just watched some tv, he did the same boxing night. I do need to call the council and I will on Monday, thankfully ALL the bills are in my name alone except for the tenancy agreement. I will be calling UC after the council. I have stayed around my family and they now know the true extent of everything, shocked is putting it lightly but they are there for me and dd

So I have been a bit MIA for the past few days, Christmas day was hard, dd finally cried about the situation at my mums so at least she feels safe enough around us to let something out. She has not said much else though but I know she is like me and will in her own time but I keep reassuring her I am here (not directly like that each time obviously) she has also opened up to her cousin whose parents have also split up.

So H is still the same, not talking i have planned lots of nice things for me and dd, we went away boxing night, it was already planned but it was nice and tbh it made me realise I can be on my own, I can do this on my own which is good really as I have seen he is going to view a property tomorrow when I am taking dd out with my family...not a word to me except when he said earlier in the week to give him a few days and he will leave and as far as I am aware he has not said anything to dd (he has a history of telling her important things like this instead of me, we nearly split up 8 years ago due to an emotional (I think) affair, i forgave...what an idiot and he told dd that we were going to be living apart) so if not I am assuming he will be doing a quick move out and for me to pick up all the pieces, I suppose it is only fair I have done everything else for him over the last nearly 20 years. The positive of this (i am trying to take) is i know I can prepare myself now ready to pick up the pieces for dd rather than us both being shell-shocked at the same time.

I am staying strong and trying to be positive, feel lighter after our night away, I think I just needed it, to sleep I went to bed by half 10 and slept until 9, I gave myself some rest and tbh he only crossed my mind a few times and it was more "he is missing out on these wonderful memories" only i had no reason why. Still don't but again that is not down to me to figure out. I am respecting myself to accept i am not what he wants and that's ok because I want to be the person I want to be.

Sorry for all the epiphany stuff, I am just feeling a bit better in myself. I think knowing what he is doing is helping me because I am yet again taking the control away from him about how he thinks I will react. I truly hate him, I hate he is upsetting my dd who is my world, I hate that he is continuing to do so without a word or a care in the world and dd will be hurt some more and I cannot do anything to stop it.

You are amazing @LostInMyLife so much stronger and in control than you give yourself credit for. You daughter is so fortunate to have you as her rock through this - when she is older she will look back and see that you put her at the forefront of every decision you made through this difficult time. I see nothing but a bright 2025 for the two of you ❤️

Speak to a solicitor. In terms of housing, the court don't care who cheated (divorces are now no fault) but look at what is in the best interests of the child. Presumably he will want DD 50/50 and that is usually he starting point of the court. They will want to see both parties can independently sustain two households- he would be expected to work FT to find this if not. At her age, she doesn't require much actual childcare. Could she make her own way to school on days she'd be with you? But it's definitely best to get legal advice.

@Hollietree thank you for your kind words, i am feeling stronger but not strong, it's more "fake it until you make it" i am however feeling less numb all the time and trying to focus on the future for me and dd. The mornings seem to be the worst but I am making plans all I can so I have something to do each day, taking dd out, meeting with friends, seeing my family more...think they have seen me more this Christmas than all year, but again that's how isolated I have been. He doesn't like my family, thinks he's above them that negativity soon spreads to you and altho I didn't hate they distance was created.
@Shubbypubby thank you, I will seek legal advice but I am 99% sure dd will be with me the majority of the week especially now I have seen the places he is going to view, very small 1 and 2 bedroom flats is what he is enquiring to, therefore I don't think he has any intention of having dd full time he also knows I would fight him tooth and nail for dd full time, not as a weapon but as I do everything for her except take her to school and I mean everything he has never even attended a parents evening at school, missed various school events etc often with no real excuse, or my favourite one...i don't want to waste a day's holiday from work...dd was performing an event at school. I would hope he knows where dd is best but if not i will be reminding him. I don't even think his family will push back on that.

Had a nice day today with dd then caught up with a friend tonight, came back and H was lying on the sofa then he went upstairs.

I'm feeling bad and I can't help it. He is looking at different properties now, still flats or apartments but they are horrid, I feel for him because if he were open with me I would help him and I do still love him somewhere and I wouldn't want dd going to some of the places he is enquiring about. I have to keep reminding myself that half of my problem was doing everything for him, and that it isn't good for him really, it was my way of showing i cared but he has decided it is not for him anymore, I am not for him anymore but it's hard. I am not a monster and I still wish him well. I think I am having a wobble, its all becoming real and the more he looks for anywhere rather than something decent it hurts knowing how he is desperate to get away from me. The cuts run deep.

I am going to bed shortly and will try and have a good night's rest..

@LostInMyLife Stop looking at the places he is looking at. You are just torturing yourself and he may not end up renting any of them. You did say he could potentially go to his parents so he is not that desperate. You need to let him « adult » for himself now. Don’t give in to the wobble: stay strong and try to remember that the only way out is through. This man wasn’t willing to work on saving your relationship and that hasn’t changed so you don’t want to undo the progress you have made…you can do this! Xx

Thank you @Peachy2005 it needed to hear it. Yes he needs to become an adult, I need to let him be one. Yes he could go to his parents so it must not be that bad yet, although it is its horrible. He needs to just leave, the sooner he does it the more time I have with dd to help her before I go back to work next week and she goes back to school.

I will stop looking at the places and try and focus to my home, what I want to do next and create a fresh new home within the same walls for me and dd.

Thank you again, you don't know how much I needed to hear it.

We are all rooting for you ♥️

I agree, I would stop looking at his emails for a while and focus everything on you and your daughter. Don’t torture yourself. He is going to have to learn how to do adult things for himself now, it’s the consequence of his decisions. And if the place he rents isn’t amazing, then you can always help your daughter to buy some nice things for her room (nice bedding, pictures etc) because that would be helping her, not him. And wherever he rents will probably just be a stop gap to start with, not his forever home.

Others may disagree, but I would still leave his emails logged in on your laptop, just don’t look at them for now. It may be very useful during a possible divorce later, if he turns nasty, hides assets etc. Not sure how ethical that is, but you have got to look after yourself as a priority. He is certainly putting himself first.

Do you have any nice plans for NYE?

Happy new year!

We had a quiet night last night, just me and dd, its our tradition to watch films, talk and have a takeaway, it's been like that as H has worked every new year for the past few, we like it it's girls time.

@Hollietree I agree I will keep the emails logged in just in case but I am not going to check as often. It's there if I need any evidence.

Last night was bittersweet though, not knowing where the next year will take me but I know I can deal with it, my best friend also made it clear to me how I will get through everything and this year is about putting myself first for once, those were her words, she's not usually like that so I am now beginning to realise just how things have been seen by those around me, when I thought I was "just doing what any wife would" when in realisation it couldn't be father from the truth of a healthy relationship.

Anyway onto this year, I am trying to take back control little by little, H was lying in bed but I knew he was awake, I asked him to stop sleeping in our bed and to give me space as it is affecting my sleep and causing me to have nightmares, no lie since I got back from mine and dds break they have begun and are getting worse. This is the year where I am putting myself first (after dd of course) but miles before him. Trip booked for my birthday with a couple of friends, why? Because I want to, I always have so I am going to celebrate. I have always said I don't like to celebrate my birthday, when the truth is if I dismiss it it doesn't hurt when he doesn't often get me a card nevermind a present or a meal. It's my self defense mechanism, now I like to think I am fairly low maintenance but I want to make sure I am going to be a priority in someone's life, and that someone is me. I have friends who are eager to celebrate with me and really happy that I want to do things, I need to embrace my support system as they are the ones who truly love me and support me.

Have a great new years day all!

Happy New Year @LostInMyLife its great to hear you speaking so positively about your future, so different to your first post just a month ago.

Yes 100% do not let him sleep in the same bed as you. Buy him a blow up bed!

2025 is going to be such a better year for you - keep focussing on making lovely plans for you and your daughter. Book a little holiday for the two of you if you can afford it. The more things you have to look forward to the better. Sounds like you have lovely friends and family who will be around for you.

Maybe time for a new username, it doesn’t suit your new life!

I’m so glad you’ve been able to share with friends so now they can tell you what they really think - and that they’re there for you. I remember when I left my wife, my sister saying to me ‘The only thing I’m surprised at is that you were brave enough’: things like that mean a lot, stick with you.
sounds like you’ve got your life ducks in a row and all heading in the right direction, Happy New Year

@Hollietree thank you for your kind words, i do feel like a different person from a month ago, I am not exactly where I need to be but I am feeling a lot more positive, hopeful and a lot less heartbroken and numb.
Your comment made me laugh about buying him a blow up bed, I have brought enough and supported him, he can buy his own or there is a perfectly good sofa he can lie on. If I could figure out how to change my username I would, for now I will stay as I am but it i am making steps forward.
@Bittenonce thank you also for your kind words, my ducks have always been there is just didn't have the confidence to realise I can do it on my own....ive got ducks that are not only in a row but have some determination too 😂 I agree, the comments from my mum and sister are the same, neither can believe I am not reacting and just accepting what he has said, it's not my usual way, as I said before I would normally get upset, plead etc but nothing, H has got no reaction at all out of me I think that's what's spun him too tbh, the control is slipping from him and he doesn't know what to do. But he has made his bed, said some vile comments and made mine and dds Christmas and new year horrid, so he can lie in that bed, why would I accept anything less?

So today dd stayed in her room this morning, then went out for the afternoon with H, I visited a family member who isn't well and when I collected dd from him, he saw my mum for the first time, she didn't say a word, was polite to him but he didn't know where to look. Funny he's made me feel awful for months and that's not bothered him, now he realises he will have to see people who will know how he has treated me (I won't tell everyone but he will see the people closest to me who are supporting me and dd)
Anyway dd has been quiet tonight but we watched a film, H is at work, bliss. She did something strange though, nice but not her usual thing. She got up for a snack I went into the kitchen and she was making me a hot drink, she said she wanted to make it for me, honestly made me want to cry, I know it sounds silly but here in my world that means everything to me. I have a feeling H is saying things to her about us but I don't ask, I won't use her as a weapon or put her in the middle but if I find out he has, his clothes won't even make it into bin liners before he is out, I am being patient (despite it killing me) but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. I just want him to leave, the sooner the better, so I can show dd we can do this on our own, to show her it will be ok, I think thats the main of her worries and he is making it worse.

Anyway that's my rant, no real plans tomorrow as of yet but I have been looking online at a few bits I need for the house, for my house its making me feel so happy thinking about what I want in mine and dds home.