When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

@Bittenonce thank you. I know in time I will be able to trust again, I am already starting to trust myself more, seeing through his manipulation, how he is trying to provoke me, before I would have second guessed myself, now I feel more sure of myself. At work I am very much using my gut, seeing beyond often what is being said to me to see the truth but never before at home, it's like I am seeing beyond what he is saying in front of me and using my skills I use at work to help me move forward. It sounds silly but I know what I mean. He always made me feel so unsure of what I was feeling, to help him use me I suppose.
@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk thank you, i feel the change in myself, don't get me wrong I am not oblivious that I am where I need to be but compared to the verson 5 weeks ago that feels like a different person completely and the steps I am going is in the right direction. I am trying to show dd that she doesn't need a man, whilst it may not be how I envisioned my family to look like it can still be happy this way, I know i can be happy. Even with him here I am trying my best to be happy, I feel happier in myself as a person.

You know when something knocks you off tilt? Today is that day for me. We've been plodding along, with me silently waiting for him to leave, him ignoring me and then he did something, its a nothing really but so unexpected that it shook me. I cooked tea, washed up then did the uniforms...I asked him not to put towels on the radiators (a flippant comment not bad in anyway) as I said it takes the heat out of the house. He got up and did it, I was more expecting for future reference then he made me a drink.he commented how delicious (the word he has never used in his life) dinner was, i mean it was alright nothing spectacular just a slow cooker meal with frozen chips, i know it sounds silly but this man has done nothing in 5 weeks for me, and I mean nothing at all. Like I said silly but knocked me off tilt. Now the cynical part of me feels like he is testing the waters to see how I would react the none cynical part thinks maybe he is trying to be civil...but taking 5 weeks...it was just weird. Really through me. Nothing has changed I mean of he wants to listen to me then fine but as long as the listening doesn't deter him from finding somewhere else to live, that is his main priority or it should be.
It doesn't change anything but it's threw me off my game a bit. I am sure tomorrow will be back to normality he can't be horrid for weeks then do something decent like listen to me? Before it would have caused a row, tbh before I wouldn't have said anything because it would have caused an atmosphere. I am hoping he can see, his feelings are not my problem I mean i wouldn't go out of my way to hurt him I just am being more me and saying what I want, again nothing nasty but what I want to say.

Oh how I wish he would go. Work is my break atm and I never thought I would be grateful for it.

@LostInMyLife its not silly at all. Think I was the same at times - at work I’d negotiate, plan, strategise, analyse - then at home it could all go out if the window. We live and learn….

@Bittenonce your so right, why have I never transferred those skills to home until now? Oh wait I know the answer to that one! 😂
Definitely have learnt that one, maybe the hard and long way but I have learnt it all the same. Better late than never

I've just read your thread and wanted to add my voice to those saying how well you are doing. It's a horrifically difficult thing to go through, and you are navigating it very thoughtfully. That's quite impressive.

has worked full time, the last time was about 4 years ago, he got "made redundant" or rather they did that for him instead of sacking him, the job a couple of years before he got sacked, but again it was everyone else's fault...im just annoyed I didn't see it sooner. He works a couple of nights a week now as we can afford it due to my wages, I mean we aren't flush at all but he does suffer with his mental health but I am not sure how much can be his mental health, I know it sounds cynical but as you can see he isn't the most delightful of people anyway, he is very stubborn, doesn't have any empathy and never says sorry or admits he was wrong, there is always a reason why. I guess I felt sorry for him with him struggling and as I loved him I wanted to help him. Unfortunately I didn't know when to stop and he wouldn't stop takin

That’s pathetic. He needs to get a full time job. And no you’re re not being cynical at all, I’m sure he would if he needed to but he’s happily left the burden of everything with you since getting made redundant. You’re also struggling with your mental health too living with a man like this! How would things look for him if you too decided to only work “a couple of nights” and asked him to step up for the next few years. In fact I’m sure if you did, that would be a sure fire way to get rid of him!

Right now he’s just taking advantage of your hard work.

Yes there’s a wise saying something like “givers need to have their limits because takers don’t”. This man will happily drain you for the rest of your days if you’ll let him.

@crankychristmas thank you. This is all new ground to me and even I thought I'd know what to do before it has changed everything I know and how I thought I would react. Honestly I've been so heartbroken I didn't even know it was possible. But I have got dd in my mind, she is what has kept me strong and level headed, this is the time more so than any other in her life when she needs to see we can rise above anything and that is keeping me going.
@Ladyoatcookies thank you, your are so right he has taken advantage of me I have come to realise more and more each day. It's been an expensive and hard lesson to learn but I think I have learnt it. The plus side is, throughout all of this I can financially I can support me and dd without him, I am answerable to only myself for money so although it is hard I am lucky I am in a situation where that is not a worry I can't imagine how I would be feeling if I couldn't afford to live how we would want to. Don't get me wrong I haven't got the best paid job in the world but I have been running a household of 3 of it so I can certainly reduce down to 2.

So I have taken a few days to clear my head a little, it hasn't really helped much if anything I am more in my head than ever. But that is knowing we are telling dd this weekend, he wanted in the week I put a stop to it and explained she will need some time and not school the next day. He doesn't think it will be a problem (his exact words) i explained that I have been there and he hasn't, he cannot assume it will be ok, we need to be there for dd and give her time. This weekend the life she has known is about to change and she needs the support and love of us. Whatever happens she will always have it from me and I won't minimise her feelings like he does. The more I think about him the more I despise him, the only feelings he cares about are his own. But that helps me manage my expectations of him and I know I will be there for dd, always.

His flat is coming through I think so he will be gone soon, I am assuming the push of talking with dd is because he knows he will be gone very soon.

I am struggling to get my head around being a single parent and how things will work but I am trying and I know we will get into a routine. Its the fear of the unknown. But I keep telling myself the unknown can't be as bad as this and it helps.

You’ve got this.
life will be much better once you have settled into your new routine.
Good luck with telling DD

Thank you @Weenurse I am so scared about telling dd, i really am. I am scared of the changes for her, I am scared of what it will do to her. I know from my own experience that you carry your parents splitting up for a long time sometimes forever. I hope she will be ok. That's all i want for her. When we had dd I always wanted a forever family. To give her what I didn't have and now it's done, and it's done because of him. The more I see how wrong things have been I wouldn't have stopped fighting, for her. He just gave up and didn't even have the decency to tell me why.

Most kids do adjust eventually - I think I read the average time is 18 months? The key is shielding them from any ongoing conflict and facilitating the contact with the other parent. When it happened to me, I made sure as little of their daily life as possible changed too. So although I had to sell the house, I got another one in the same broader area and that meant we kept the school and doctors etc.
Good luck!

I applaud how thoughtful , considerate and realistic you’re being about the likely effects of this on your daughter.

Your partner either doesn’t want to realise the gravity of the situation for your child or his emotional intelligence doesn’t allow him to but you’re definitely going about it the right way. I used to work in schools and it was awful how some parents would dump stuff like this on their kids during the week. They would mask at home to protect parents but then it would all come out at school how affected they were by it.

This will be difficult for all of you and she may take some time to process before she really reacts.

I’m no child psychologist but I have worked with kids and teens and I do not think the average time to adjust can be neatly quantified. However like you do I agree that the unseen impact of these things can affect a child for a lifetime or at the very least the duration of their childhood. It won’t be obvious to everyone - most people in my life don’t know how it affected me - but it did and still does to a lesser extent.

How you both tell her and handle things from here on out can play a big part in how she takes it. Hopefully your ex will do the right thing and start putting your daughter first.

All the best with breaking the news to your daughter, OP.

No advice to give as I’ve not experienced this myself, but I just wanted to send you a big hug for this weekend. It will be hard but DD probably knows more than you think already, it probably won’t be a complete shock to her. Lots of cuddles and lots of reassurance of love. X

Thank you all.
@R053 I have tried to shield her as much as I can and it's been the hardest thing I have ever experienced but it is not for me it has been for her. I have acted as normal as I can be H has not given her the same unfortunately but I have done all I can at keeping normality and going forward i will do the same.
@Ladyoatcookies thank you, i work in a school and I know the impact along with the masking the children can do. I will be calling her school Monday and asking to speak with the pastoral team so they are aware. Dd is very closed at the best of times and I am worried when it comes out. She can hold her feelings in whilst she is processing them. As I said last week I think (the days have just blurred recently) I am channeling the work version of myself to gain control of the situation and using all my experience i can for dd to support her as best as I can. I agree that I think H is not unaware just more emotionally immature to deal with the situation. It's not lost on me that he created the situation, ironic eh?
@Hollietree you are right, you are echoing everything my family and friends have said. Dd will be aware of more than we know i am assuming when we talk later she will share some of what she knows already.

Right I need to get ready to take dd to her club, I told H that nothing will be said until after she has been, she needs this to not be hanging over her head or creating a negative memory of this club she loves so much being something she had to do after the news...im trying to ensure everything she does is protected from the cloud that is about to errupt on her life.

So the weekend has been okish considering what has been done and said.

H was dragging his feet yesterday, I spoke with him and reiterated his reasons why he had said that dd should know now. She is seeing his family today and "incase someone says anything" anyway I also told him he would be taking the lead and I would be there to support but ultimately it was his choice and he needs to be the one to speak first. So we told dd, actually we had a civil quite nice day before then so it helped when we explained it would mean we are happier parents for her, we both reiterated this for dds sake. She cried, my heart broke again but we spoke about the future, addressed any uncertainty and answered her few questions. With dd crying it wasn't great but shows that she isn't bottling up her emotions. H was at work today so dd has been to see her friends then out with a relative of Hs and we've had time together either side of it. H came home late from work, like over an hour and complaining he is unwell...lies. if your at work and unwell don't you rush home? I chose to ignore because it is now nothing to do with me I was there for dd and thats all that matters.

I did however see Hs dad, now that was interesting, he told me both him and H mum are so upset by this and they are shocked. He told me he is going to end up lonely and come crawling back to me, and when I move on it will hit him more what he has lost. I was taken back, I cried. But ultimately I know he is their son and I wouldn't say anything I didn't want to get back to anyone so I just told him it could never happen, and that I would never trust him again no matter what and he had broken my heart. I also said, I know H better than himself and he will never admit to himself nevermind anyone else what he has lost. Again not lying. FIL looked gutted and told me things don't change and I am always welcome there and they are my family too, I thanked him and said I am not ready yet and he understood. It blew me more than anything but like I said I am not stupid I know their loyalty will always end with their own but it was nice to hear that I am still welcome there, I just dont think I could go back, things will never be the same. I can be nice and civil but going for a coffee and a chat won't be happening, it wouldn't be good for me I know that.

That’s good of FIL to tell you you’re welcome there. You remain family via DD and it’s definitely better for her if those relationships are as positive as they can be. And isn’t it a bit satisfying to know that other people see H for the fool he is!

Well done for getting this far. You’re doing so well.

I'm so sorry for your troubles, OP. I'm sorry that your H destroyed your family and your relationship. It's not your fault; he did it by himself, and you couldn't have prevented it. The outcome is the result of the decisions that HE made. It takes two yeses for a relationship to continue but only one "no" to stop it. His behaviour was his no. I hope he lives to regret it, I really do. I hope all men who leave good women who carried, birthed, and raise their kids live to regret it.

I'm glad you're doing so well, under the circs, and I'm really glad you're not trying to mend this. You deserve so much better. And I define "better" as a single life, too. I'm single, having had a long and difficult marriage, and unless you meet someone who totally floats your boat both physically and personality-wise, and who feels the same on both counts as you, being single is better. I have little flings but I protect my space and my heart, and it's great.

You and your dd will be OK!

Gosh OP I have just read your entire thread. I am shocked how much it mirrors my exact experience from many years ago though unlike yourself I had no DC'S with my EXH. Getting him to leave took time and I resorted to removing all food from the house and stopped doing his washing! He only lasted 2 days before he went back to his parents! (Obviously this is something you can't do with children around!)
I really feel for you the not knowing what was going on in his head because he wouldn't communicate it right down to the light bulb moment when you decide that this can't continue.
OP within 3 months of him going I felt/became a different person much happier, lighter in my head, family and friends were so supportive, and whilst I never looked for it 3 years on from the split I met my now DH who I (cautiously) learned to trust.
I wish you well, stay strong and positive for DD xx

@Uol2022 yes I thought it was nice FIL being so nice, it just felt a bit strange given how things have been but nice all the same. It is satisfying that others are thinking how H is making a mistake, unfortunately I know he will never admit it or acknowledge the mistake.
@ChicLilacSeal yes my H has ruined his family, but me and dd will be ok. I agree single life will be better once I get the bills etc all settled and into a new version of normal daily life. I am still hurt he didn't mention how he was feeling or try to make things better.
@HazelBite thank you so much, your story gives me hope. I am not if there will be anyone else in my future as at the moment I know I can't trust anyone that said I am never saying never and who know what the future brings. I am lucky I'm still in the 30s granted later 30s but I'm not beyond having a second chaper to my life

A quiet few days here, H was at work last night so I didn't see him yesterday, it was lovely today he has at home and I got back and fell asleep, I think its him being around and the extra emotions tiring me. Yesterday I was tired but normal tired after work and did everything I needed to do. It's him being around but hopefully it won't be for much longer, I am not sure how I can be on a countdown when I don't know when I am counting until but I am and it's keeping me going. I am also aware that this is when it will become hard as I think that is when it will hit dd hard.

You know when you feel like your getting your head straight and take a step forwards and someone breaks your leg (metaphorically) and throws you further back...yes that is me.

So he is getting keys on Monday to his new place, he has emptied his clothes from the house, after washing everything of his that was dirty and drying it here (nice I get to pay for it) and now he is moving furniture into the house for his new place. I am trying not to react, to give him what he wants but I feel broken. Not one word he has said, nothing. To me or dd, I mean I would be angry if he said anything to dd but now I am hurt and angry he is acting like this to her, treating her with as much ignorance and disrespect he treats me. He has to go. I cant do one more weekend, one more hour with him here.
I feel like I can't stay here with him playing these mind games, its too much and although i am trying to stay strong i am holding in by my finger tips and I know he is enjoying this, he has to be otherwise why would he be here.

Deep breaths OP, you are doing great. Losing your relationship is very similar to having someone close to you pass away. You are mourning right now and will be sad, mad, anxious, glad and angry within moments sometimes. You are valid to feel all those things and more. Your DD is lucky to have you and you are behaving with so much grace. It is hard but just leave him to it. Hopefully when he is gone you will finally be able to breathe. One moment at a time is all you have to handle right now. Dealing with the days will come after that and you will feel so much better by then. You've got this OP ❤️

You’ve made it this far - just 60 hours to go.
just try to be out, be busy.
Your life starts Monday, hang on, right now you’re at the start line waiting for the start of the race so yes, it’s the worst time in a sort of purgatory , but you know when it will happen and the work can begin.

Can you and your DD go and stay in a hotel for the weekend?

He told me he was not feeling well and that I have put him off women forever

That comment would be it for me, I would end it as well,
He is an asshole, I also think he is trying to knock your new found confidence in yourself since your weight loss, don’t let him do it!