Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

Don't do it. He could live another five years, you'd have spent all that money, and he might still have to move out because you can't keep going.

In 10 years, that’s £600k you have spent. You might be better off moving him to the more cost effective option and using you ££ to do some nice things for him regularly during his last years …. He can live 10 more yrs….

I think the money will be best used down your family line rather than up it.

I wouldn't.
someone who'd badly let me down my whole life is not someone I'd choose to spend my money on.

The is every chance that the current home is not longer the most suitable for his needs - and he doesn’t need all the expensive stuff bexause honestly it sounds as if your sisters are more attached than he is

a proper frank conversation is needed thay unless the LA agree then he needs to move to one in budget and perhaps just as if not more suited to his needs

becuase yiu could lose most of your money and end up yourself being the one who moves. If you didn’t have the cash this would need to be done

At 5k a month you’re going to plough through that money. You may not need it now but you absolutely don’t know what life is going to throw at you in the future. He’s had a good run and the money has now run out. You need to accept that, and if social services care dictates him moving to a new care home, you need to accept that too. As family you may have some input as to where he ends up, so investigate what’s available for what the council are prepared to fund. But absolutely do not volunteer to pay the shortfall. You have your own family to think of and realistically, that amount of money is never going to come your way again. You will inevitably come to regret it.

Don't pay, OP. He could easily live for another 10 years or so (a friend works in dementia care, and they have loads of centenarians in the home where she works).

You could burn through a big chunk of the money that you were awarded in that time, and it was awarded to you because of something awful that happened. You're entitled to it. Your siblings should respect that.

Where my friend works, they have an arrangement with the council that the council will fund places when residents can no longer afford fees. They have a separate wing, less lavishly furnished (eg vinyl flooring rather than carpets) but still spotless with decent sized en suite rooms, they get the same food, the same activities and many of the staff work in both parts of the home.

I might feel differently if you siblings were prepared to make a contribution towards the costs, but it doesn't sound as though they are. I don't see why anyone should expect you to bear the burden just because you had the misfortune to be entitled to some compensation or damages because of something awful.

Tough one @Rubesandme i am sorry you are in this situation.
i would help out since money is not an issue, but maybe your other siblings can chip in as well because £5k is a lot and you do need to think about your own family and your own future.
I understand you didnt have a relationship with your dad and it is upsetting and disappointing, but you had one with your mom, i guess with your siblings too (?) and your dad is part of family. He wasn’t abusive and he provided.

Good luck with your decision OP. It’s tough but whatever you do is okay.

I only came on here to post my disgust at the volume of posters who suggest that people with dementia wouldn’t notice or be impacted by their care setting. It’s shocking, ill-informed bullshit. It’s so upsetting to read. Would we say the same about young adults with degenerative cognitive decline?

It's a big no from me.

I agree

OMG some of your words really hit the nail on the head ‘The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference’ This! Other things: calling me a stupid b*tch when I was 10 as I sat on a glass table and it smashed underneath me (never mind the huge gash pouring blood out of my leg) witnessing him at aged 12 telling a friend ‘we would have stopped at 2 kids if 1 had been a boy’, giving each of my sisters £500 on their 60th birthday and giving me £50 on mine…..I let it go but equally disappointed my sisters said nothing. Gosh it’s all coming out now….🥺

Not in a month of Sundays my lovely x

Nope. Don't pay anything. You don't know what you or your DH may need further down the line. What if either of you end up in the same position as your Dad in 20 years time and all your money or most of it has has already been blown on your dad's care home fees?

Or one of your children or grandchildren needs urgent medical treatment that isn't available in this country? Flights, long term accommodation and medical treatment don't come cheap.

Or the grandchild who is autistic needs specialist education and the parents have to fight to get what they need? It costs thousands to get specialist professional reports written, and legal representation if they have to go to Tribunal. It is not uncommon for parents to re-mortgage their homes to pay for everything.

No. Keep your money for the people you love and who love you.

As long as the care is good it doesn’t matter what home he is in, if he has dementia he won’t actually notice.

What decision can you live with OP?

in your shoes I'd probably decide to pay for the fees for one year, and then revisit the situation with my siblings. One year is a long time in the life of a 92 YO with dementia.

You don't say if you've started spending the £1million. You've already had for a year, and it sounds as if it might just be sitting in a savings account?

I don't expect you to explain what the £1million was for in any detail, but what was the nature of the payout? What I'm getting at is should you be spending this on yourself now to improve your quality of life?

I think it's quite unusual (in this country, but I guess this payout could have arisen somewhere else) to get such a high payout unless there is a consequence that requires money to fix. If there is something you have struggled with for 30 years and got accustomed to 'putting up with', that doesn't mean you should hold onto the £1million and continue to put up with you... You should spend the £1million on making it better to the extent possible.

I'm wondering if you really have £1million to spare, or if you have £1million that should be ringfenced for someone who isn't your father, your DC or your DCG.

Don't feel obliged to answer this here, but it's a question to ask yourself. The fact you are talking about spending £5k a month on someone you don't like and you feel immensely guilty makes me suspect you're the sort of woman who always puts herself last and it hasn't occurred to her that it would be acceptable to spend her own compensation money on making her own life better...

I wish you well, OP.

I’m always amazed at how people let others know how much money they’ve got. How do your sisters know you’ve got loads of spare cash? I am just about to get some compensation and I’ll be telling no one.

Ok, you can tell someone is well off by their house, car and holidays but that doesn’t mean you’ll have spare cash.

My DB is very rich, but how rich I don’t know. My SIL thinks my DH is loaded and I’m sure she will come tapping when PIL are a bit older, but the answer will be “sorry, not got any spare cash. I don’t know where you got that impression”.

As I said earlier. Any spare cash I might have will be going to my DC and DGC.

What @56daffodils said. You fought for years and were awarded the compensation for a reason. Nobody can predict the future, but if you are in your 60s now you could live for another 30+ years. Spend the money on making your own life better.

I’ve changed my mind OP

you owe him nothing

spend your money on your family, those that love you and that you love.

Don’t underestimate how long he could go on. A friends’ mother/grandmother went into a nursing home, very frail and with advanced dementia.

Well, frail or not, she’s been there years. Wouldn’t know A from a bull’s foot, and hasn’t for many years, but physically she keeps on keeping on. The family have spent more than €330K on her care; like you, they can afford it, but she wasn’t a good mother or grandmother.

They have never complained about the cost (I happened to ask last time we saw them), but I do wonder how they feel about spending a huge amount of money caring for someone who never really cared for them very much, and who is now a shell of a person.

OP you mean well, and it’s a credit to you, but in your shoes, I wouldn’t give him the drippings off my nose, let alone £60,000. I suggest you save your generosity for better causes, but if you feel you positively, absolutely have to help out, at least look into a home that costs less.

I came on to say don't pay, then read @Sunholidays excellent suggestion to pay for a year which you can then use to plan for the next step - definitely don't just pay for everything indefinitely. With dementia as he deteriorates the situation may change anyway in terms of what he notices - and frankly even though you can afford it there is an opportunity cost, so what you spend now on your dad is then money you can't spend to help another family member if they needed it. (Or yourself of course, but you seem really generous and family orientated).

I'd be saying this even if your dad had been an amazing parent BTW - elder, especially dementia care is like hurling fistfuls of money into a deep, deep well and while I don't begrudge a penny paid to carers or nurses, it will take everything you have and the sufferer's life will still be torture, because that's what dementia is like. Give yourselves a year and see what you can find/do to ease the transition.

Has he had a continuing health care assessment with his level of dementia?

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/money-work-and-benefits/nhs-continuing-healthcare/

Your willingness to help is a credit to your nature, if you feel you must, I would perhaps set a time limit for when you will stop paying, giving time to find a more suitable place.

You keep saying you don't need the money, but what if you or your husband end up in a care home when you are older, Or something happens to one of your children.

Essentially it is just money, but given your updates, that money could go towards making lasting memories with your own cherished family, your dad will recieve care either way, it may just involve a move to a new location, which isn't the worst thing in the world.

I think you need to think about yourself & future generations.

Even if there's no funded place that's acceptable there's perhaps something without a 5k deficit that you could all equally pay to.