Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

It's your choice but I would not pay it.

I would let the state take care of him. That is what a civilized society should do.

I am so sorry your dad let you down so much.

I am also sorry to say but there is always a chance you or your husband may need care at some point. Your dad could easily eat into your windfall and you may need that for your own care.

I presume you were awarded the money for a very good reason. Don't blow it on something that won't be appreciated. You don't know what you might need it for. It's a nice sum of money to have, but it's not untold riches. You deserve to think about yourself.

He gave your sisters £500 each and gave you £50? That's your answer, right there. Offer to pay £50 - as a one off, per year or per month; up to you which.

My relative was in a care home funded by the state, it was brilliant. I dont think you should be paying so much extra for a fancy care home . Is he even benefitting from the extras given his age and dementia ?

I have been over this is my head every which way and I am leaning towards paying for a couple of years (if he’s still around) and making it clear that that will be my contribution and the others will have to make arrangements thereafter.
If he's realistically not likely to live very long anyway (sorry to put it harshly) - this sounds like a good idea if it is what you really want to do. There is some satisfaction in treating someone better than they do you, I think. Even if they don't see it, you personally know that you have not dropped to their level. Do you think that satisfaction would negate the resentfulness you feel at being placed in this situation, though?

I also vote no. Not because of his dreadful parenting, but because why is it fair that you bear all the brunt of the costs? Just because you are the only one with money? If all your sisters were going to chip in £1k per month each and the question was 'should I contribute?' I might say differently, but why should one child have to take on ALL financial responsibility just because they were awarded a sum of money?

It's not fair. Doesn't really matter how crap he was as a dad, he's got five kids. Why should only one have to pay to keep him somewhere when the chances are he doesn't even know WHERE he is?

Exactly , what if it were another 10 years ?
You and your own family are the priority ,my lovely nan was in a council owned home she had amazing care no scrimping ,good food etc.
As someone else said its the care that counts.
I would say the same even if he had been the dad he should have been.

The only solution really is that you all find a home that the local council are prepared to finance once his own money runs out.
Im amazed your siblings chose such an expensive place, what did they imagine would happen when the money ran out.

Your siblings being upset by the situation is not your fault and not on you to step in here.
You all need to speak to the council to find a solution.

I do suspect in choosing this expensive home they all just expected you to pay for the care one day…..don’t.

@Rubesandme Please please do not offer to pay. Two reasons—
1)The care home will ask for the difference if they think they can get the extra money from relatives, don’t forget they are a business at the end of the day & are there to make money. Generally most residents won’t have to change or move into a different care home, care homes accept a lower payment from the LA. There is pressure for them to do this. So in every care home there are a mixture of residents some paying privately at a rate of double of the LA residents, they all are getting same care, food, rooms etc…. Generally very few of the carers will know who is LA & who is private, only the nurses know. In essence those who are paying more are subsidising those LA residents. This is in every single care home.
2) you owe him nothing. And you cannot possibly know what your future needs are, you may well need the money. Unfortunately life is unpredictable.

I wouldn’t contribute. Keep the money for your family in case they need it. He deserves nothing from you.

Kindly, you've got fear, obligation and guilt clouding your judgement. You were awarded that money for your own future needs. If you need 24 hour care in 10 years time, that's what it is needed for.
Your father will need to be moved to a home where the LA cover the whole cost. This happened with my father in law too, he needed to move homes as his needs changed and progressed. The LA social worker and care / nursing homes will be very used to this sort of situation.
I think you need some work to unpick the damage caused by the way you were neglected emotionally as a child. Someone else suggested the Stately Homes thread and I echo that. Look after yourself and make decisions that don't leave you potentially being vulnerable in time to come.

I have worked in high end care homes. You would be surprised how often they will waive the fees or reduce the rate for those living longer than expected who have been with them a while and paid considerable amounts. Although with this new tax budget and costs increase they are tightening their belts so not sure if it is the same now.

I can tell you’re going to pay something. So make sure your sisters contribute - even if it’s token. And you put a limit on the time length and number of years.

Something else to consider is a change of place can move things along so to speak. But also that you can underestimate how long people can hold on. He really could live for another 10 years depending on the type of dementia.

Moving him now to a mid range home where your only topping up a smaller amount might be a middle ground rather than spending two / 3 years in this care home and then having to move him to an LA one when he’s further progressed and the move will impact more.

It's fair to be cautious about assuming surroundings and care will be much of a muchness to someone with dementia. That may not be the case at all. But for some people, it will be. So asking about this in the case of the OP's dad and finding out is reasonable.

It's also the case that things that make a difference to day to day quality of life can be things that don't relate to cost. Good carers aren't all in the most expensive homes, for example.

If he moves to somewhere fully funded, how often would your 4 siblings be visiting?

@Rubesandme im sorry you’ve had to go through all that. There’s a few things here - you’re trying to make your sister feel better - has this sister ever said anything to change your situation with your father? Probably not.

is there another option where he can still have good care but not at such a hefty price? I’m sure if you looked around there will be something without this price.

You can still help with the shortfall for a few months if you want and ask your sisters to also cough up some. It seems like they’re seeing you as the cash cow even though they haven’t specifically asked you for it.

Agrred.

OP: Your sisters didn’t step up for you—why should you pay the shortfall now?

I wouldn’t pay. £60k a year is a huge amount of money, wouldn’t you rather see it go to your grandchildren? Your grandad has had 3 years of expensive care but if his money has run out then obviously he will just have to move, it’s not your responsibility to make up the shortfall and you never know how much longer he will need care for, it could be years. The care home could also put fees up or the LA may change the amount they’re willing to contribute. Realistically how much would you be happy to spend, £200k? 500k? If you agree to this it would be very hard to pull out if you’re in the same situation in 5 years but with increased fees. You also never know if you or your husband or children or grandchildren may have a change of circumstances, how awful to shell out £££££ on a man who didn’t care about you and then not have enough to give to somebody you actually want to help should disability or illness etc hit someone else in the family.

I think you need to find a good financial advisor, invest your money wisely and pay for your dad's care with the proceeds. You should be able to invest at 6% a year with the right choice of investments. So you won't lose any capital. Your dad won't be around forever and peace is mind is priceless in my books

You’re not mad, you’re someone who is a much better person than he is. I’d draw the line at 2yrs

As a Pp said, if his dementia is advanced it won't make a huge difference. He was never a good father to you. So keep it.

Absolutely not. If you don’t need the money, think of it as additional money you can give to your children or grandchildren rather than a parent who never went above the basics of keeping you alive and in clothes. Let the state pick up the bill for him. Why should you??

I'd maybe offer to contribute a % of the £5k split with the other siblings. Maybe £1000 each.

What you need to think about is what happens if your dh has dementia or has a medical emergency you have to pay for, and then you need to go into a care home. All of these things cost A LOT of money and you need what you've got 'just in case'. You could end up with not enough for you and YOUR family because you've paid for him.

@MaryGreenhill my friend is in a similar setting. The decor is tired, but the care is good

I would get all my financial paperwork in order and write a list of my priorities and needs.
Your future financial needs
The future needs of your autistic child
Your children and/or grandchildren
Your father.

Then, ensure enough money is invested safely for your future.
Draw up a trust fund for your autistic child
Decide what and how much you want to leave to your other children
Make sure your will is up to date.
Decide how much you want to spend on yourself annually e.g. Holidays

Then look at what is left over. Paying the fees for say a year seems a reasonable compromise as long as it is on the understanding that no further funds will be available and your sisters actively look for a cheaper care home ( given that you have kindly given them a period of grace). In a sense, you will be doing this for your sisters rather than your father. If the situation is not resolved at the end of 12 months, then the cheque book is firmly and permanently closed.