Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

Even if you had a great relationship with your dad, I would say it's not worth it. If he lives a while longer, he'll end up moving into a cheaper home anyway in the end. You'd just be burning through (your!) money sustaining an unsustainable situation. Also, frankly, I know that none of my parents would want me sinking my own money (and their grandkids' inheritance) into their care fees.

@mumda It’s pretty standard in my area (not London) for dementia care.

No you absolutely should not pay it.
he was cruel to you all of your life because you weren’t a boy! He will still be cared for.

You reap what you sow. My dad died this year surrounded by his 3 children and 4 grandchildren because he was such a loving, good dad and grandad. Even his DIL and ex SIL came to see him. He wasn't a saint, just a good loving parent. In your case, your dad deserves nothing from you at all OP.

I think i would offer to pay my share of his costs i.e. 1k a month

No, do not pay it. £60,000 a year for potentially 10-15 years wipes it out. That money could pay for your own care home in 20-30 years time. You do not have to sacrifice that for him.

the shortfall at this home is a further 5k

£9K? That's an awful lot to be charged for care. My Gran was in a care home for dementia (not council & in Home Counties) and paid about £5 - 6K per month total. Is he living in Buckingham Palace? Move him to a more affordable facility. It sounds like your sisters can't help financially atm so why would that change in a couple of years time? If you start funding this now you're obliged until he dies and that could be several years. My Gran lived to 97 with dementia.

What's his health like and how advanced now is his dementia? I would be pretty mercenary about this now and key questions are: how much longer is he likely to live, and how much is he able to appreciate his surroundings? Does he recognise and speak to your sisters? Is he mobile? Any major medical conditions?

Also, don't assume you won't need money for your own care, or your husband's. None of us can ever be sure about that.

I had the dilemma of what to do for my dad when his dementia/psychosis got more advanced and he required 24/7 care. I wanted him to go to a care home that was like a 5-star hotel but as my brother pointed out, he wouldn't have gone to the cinema or taken part in the sherry evenings by then. The OT at the hospital recommended a care home that was council run but rated "outstanding" by the CQC. I never got to make the decision as he passed in hospital, but as other posters are saying, the fancy ones aren't always the best ones for their particular needs.

You could offer to pay 6 months or a year if you felt inclined, on the premis that it will give your sisters time to find another home they like that is a bit cheaper. That way you have offered something..

Just a thought OP, if he’s in the best room with the best view etc that will add a bit to the price. Might be possible to swap rooms- possibly slightly less disruptive than a lock stock move if your DSis are concerned he wouldn’t survive it?

Disagree. OP's father worked hard to provide for his family

She had the clothes on her back and food in her tummy which is a parents basic job. She had no love and no interest in her because she didn't have a dick. She doesn't visit him as things stand because he's horrible to her. She owes him nothing. He doesn't get to be a dick to her AND take her hard won good fortune

Could you buy a property with what you have left of the payout, rent it out, and use that income for your “portion” of your Dad’s care? You’d still retain the initial equity, rather than burning through all the money. Poor care homes are a nightmare, no matter how poorly the person, eg left in your own urine for hours etc.

Is the care home on approved local authority list ?
Either way you can appeal the decision just easier if they are already approved (care home & / or social worker will be able to confirm)
be prepared for a fight as information isn’t always volunteered but there is a set criteria to be met in order for him to be moved (best interest, safeguarding, qualified staff ratios etc)
Default position by LA is make it someone else’s problem - btw I was told I couldn’t make up a shortfall as it would be a voluntary arrangement which I could cancel at any time

At least speak to social services and ask what happens if you can't pay the extra

They may decide they don't want to move a 92 year old with dementia
They may negotiate with the home for a different rate

But please, please do not deprive your own children and grandchildren of a life-changing amount of money which could fund Uni, house deposits and necessary care for any of you in the future

I know it's hard, but helping all those people who care about you seems more important than losing a huge sum unnecessarily over one

Notice the vast majority of posters have said you should say no, and given many good reasons

I would not pay any shortfall either. He has failed you abjectly as a parent and you owe him nothing.

You would be an idiot to pay if. You’ve got your own old age and your husbands to think about, and you’ve got kids and grandkids.
With the way things are going, there will be very little help available on the future. Your dad will have his fees paid if he moves to a cheaper home. Don’t pay it.

If you really must, then offer £1000 a month. Your siblings can pay £500 each if they feel it should be funded by family. If they don’t, then they can move him to a different home.

This will bleed you dry. And you have children and grandchildren. You are being very silly here.

I think you would be foolish to do it. Often expensive homes done give any better care. I’d give the money to your grandchildren.

What a tricky situation. Is there no chance of your sister's paying even something towards the care home bill so the burden is shared? If not and it would be all down to you I can see your dilemma. This is going to sound awful but is there nowhere cheaper?

@Rubesandme we are approaching a similar situation. Fil in a mega expensive care home, he's lived longer than we expected, money will run out in the middle of next year. Fil has dementia but no physical ailments so could live on for much longer. All he really knows about it what happens to him in the moment - is he warm enough, is there food in front of him, is his medication preventing the worst of hallucinations. Beyond that carers who are kind and smile. But he has no understanding or appreciation of the quality of the accommodation/food/etc, refuses to go out on any trips, can't interact with other residents. He pays a lot for things he doesn't use or enjoy. He is already wears pull-up for incontinence. I don't think he would be any more or less 'happy' in another facility.

One of my SILs (much better off than us) is thinking of topping up his fees to keep him there (and putting pressure on us to do likewise). BIL is not in a financial position to do so. We could, for a while, but we won't. If FIL lived for another 5 years it would wipe out all our savings. So what if dh or I needed care? Once our house was sold would that pressure pass to our dc and dgc, for them to fund us? dh already feels a little frustrated that what might be the best years of his retirement have been overshadowed by caring for his elderly parents (MIL now passed). His siblings don't want us to go on a much dreamed of long-haul holiday 'in case anything happens' to FIL.

FIL and MIL would never want it to be like this for us.

Deff not, help your family, kids, grandkids. He’s had his life, help yours to enjoy theirs more

@moderndilemma
please go on your dream holiday. If you keep putting it off you may never go on it.

A friend of ours has moved his father into a cheaper care home. After a confused start, the father is getting on much better.

Providing for your children is the bare minimum a parent should do. No-one should expect to be owed for that. Love and care on the other hand should always be repaid imo.

You're in a twist about this, yet your DF has spent your entire life not caring about you, which is very very harsh of me to say, nonetheless it needs acknowledging. He has treated you absolutely atrociously. I can't fathom it.

Pragmatically, he may not be particularly cognisant of the change of circumstances. You will be absolutely burning through your money and I imagine it is very far from how it could best be used. 60k per year is huge. I personally might fund 3 months as time to find another home and transition him over. That's still 15k!!!

The money you got as compensation - it must have been of huge importance for it to be so large. It is meant for you. Use it really wisely. Personally, I'd rather help my DC get on the property ladder which will make a real difference to their lives than fund a neglectful parent who might not be aware of the perks of his particular home.

Finally, I hesitate to say this but I will anyway, neglect is a particularly awful form of abuse. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. I bet he caused a lot of damage, and I hope you will heal from that one day. You sound like a kind and loving person. Spend your affection and money on your family who love you and deserve you.