Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

The OP said they have already done this, the LA will pay £4k but there is a further shortfall of £5k, if he is to stay in the same home.

As many have said, your father won't remember the previous home anyway, if he's moved. When my mother was leaving one care home, she said goodbye to all the staff and said she would visit. By the time she'd arrived at the new home half a mile away she had no memory of the home she'd just left. It was a matter of minutes! In fact she didn't even recognise her bedroom when she came out of the en-suite bathroom!
Do not pay a penny for your father. He doesn't deserve even that much.

Do your children have mortgages you could contribute to? Do they have decent pension arrangements? Do your DGC have house deposits saved up?

Just because those things aren't highly visible now, doesn't mean they aren't competing priorities.

Did your dad ever tell you he wished you were a boy? Because unless he did the only reason you know that is your mum told you. It's likely you were close to your mum because she knew you were going to be her last baby - and it could also be that he was not close to you because your mum was doing all sorts of things for you knowing you were her last...and you have assumed this lack of closeness from him was due to him wanting a boy but actually maybe he felt you were being so well looked after by your mum and with five kids to provide for he probably just took the easy road and left your mum to it. Also not great but its not because you were not a boy.

I know you love your mum and you grew up in a time where parents weren't taught the impact of what they said to kids - but it was kind of unfair of your mum telling you your dad wanted a boy. She might have even said that as a way to draw you closer to her. Your mum laid the foundation of this angst between you and your dad.

We have boy/girl twins - my son likes football like my husband does and they are very close; my daughter loves chatting about girly stuff so is very close to me. I also feel close to my son but sometimes my hubby does not feel close to our daughter as he works a lot and they don't have any shared interests. What he tries to do to compensate is drive her everywhere so they get alone time then - he does try and ask her questions about her life but she is not always keen to talk girly stuff with him. We both love our children equally but our relationships have evolved in that way because we have different interests.

I am also one of five children (4 girls and 1 boy) and my dad is younger than your's (almost 80) but I do think he is of the generation where men don't always know how to interact with daughters. I remember three of us daughter's joined him on an African safari and we were sitting at a dessert bar swatting mosquitoes when he started to complain that females aren't very good and talking rubbish and bantering like males are...and we were all thinking nice one Dad - maybe so but your son didn't offer to keep you company on this sub standard safari trip.

I think if there is something you get out of this post - I hope it is away to feel some closure about how you think your dad feels about you. I know he has dementia (and with my family members having it or having had it, I understand exactly what that means) but maybe you need to tell him your feelings. He may or maybe not able to respond but it might give you closure. Or maybe he can respond and he might tell you that you were wrong and he didn't resent you being not being a boy.

It's a tiny percentage of your assets. I would agree to pay it for a maximum.o lf two years to give your subs the chance to save up/make other arrangements.

I would invest in my conscience.

When my father was about to be moved from his expensive care home to a cheaper one, because the money had run out, I just explained to Social Services that it wasn't in his best interests to be moved. This was actually the case. Social Services then continued to pay the difference. The money you have is not your father's money, but hopefully some of it will one day belong to your children.

Your dad won’t probably notice the difference if he moved to another care home.
i probably wouldn’t contribute but who can say until you are in that situation. Your family comes 1st and foremost. You never know what might be round the corner. Sorry you are going through this.

Have you raised the issue with the care home of your father’s life expectancy? The average stay in a care home is 2 years. If your father’s dementia is so advanced he really doesn’t recognise his surroundings then he won’t have that long to live, if you could keep him settled where he is it would be for the best. Although the emotional connection was not there with your father he did at least look after you financially.

Sorry I’ve not read all this thread but did your father not realize the sex of a baby came from the father?

i also had a relative in a care home in the South East and agree with PPs that the luxury homes don't necessarily equate to good care - we moved my relative to a cheaper and much better one.

I think in your place I'd offer to pay a certain amount (say £60-75k) but make it clear to your siblings that that is the absolute limit. Possibly for for 12 months' worth with you knowing that if your father is much worse next year, you might agree to fund another 3 months.

Even at 92, he could still live another 3-4 years and at £60k a year which might increase, that could be close to quarter of a milllion which is probably too much for you and for the benefit your father would get from it.

I probably wouldn’t do it for a couple of reasons. The money you have is a lump sum and you have already passed some down to children and grandchildren. It is not an income stream which will keep coming. Once it is gone it is gone and not available for you to help your own family further or help with your own care in the future. Also, to be brutal if you died within a few years how would money paid out like this be viewed in terms of inheritance tax?
If he has already been in care for a while I assume his dementia is advanced? If something happened what is his awareness of his surroundings? If there isn’t much then, as long as you find somewhere with compassionate care he won’t be suffering long term from the change. If he is still aware and enjoying the luxuries then the chances are that he may live for longer and the problem will recur.
I recognise the temptation to pay for a limited period as a compromise but that could lead to you still reducing your lump sum but still having to deal with him being moved.
Would a possibility be that you don’t commit to making up the shortfall but used the money to put any extras in place after a move?
You are not proposing to put him on the streets and I doubt if he would thank you or change how he views you but I can understand why you are tempted.

Your dad doesn't deserve to get any help, monetary or otherwise, from you. He was an awful dad to you and being fed and clothed is the bare minimum a parent should do to avoid being prosecuted for neglect.

You have many more important people to spend that money on, particularly your GC with autism. Do not waste a penny of it on your father.

What kind of father was he to your siblings?

Keep your money. You owe him nothing.

Please don’t.

I wouldn't blame you wish ever way you jumped.

As to being a girl and not a boy...someone should have told your Dad that its the male genetics that decree the sex of a child, not the females. He got what his body wanted him to have,

I think you need peace of mind. You are worried about how this could be perceived (even though no pressure has been applied) and about how your sister will cope. You do however need to look after your own mental and physical well being.

What happens if you and your husband go into a home, how will you fund that. Your siblings may know you received the money, but do they know how much is left. A bit irrelevant really as you shouldn't have to lie.

I think to preserve your peace of mind and to know you did something, you should pay for maybe a year and make sure they know that is it, then Dad will need to go into a state funded care home. Its a difficult position for you but I agree with those who say that your Dad probably won't know the difference.

No. The minute a parent treats a child like this, the contract is broken. I wouldn't pay a penny

I'd pay it, your dad provided for you and your siblings( no mean feat).You had a comfortable childhood due to this. I totally get the lack of emotion growing up but that wouldn't stop me funding my parents' care if I was comfortably able to

100% this

Disagree. OP's father worked hard to provide for his family

Absolutely not. You owe him nothing. He is not your responsibility.

Move him and if needed top up the care with some spends. He could live another five years - you have already been generous to your family and whether spent on you, your children or wider family the 100s of thousands would be better spent on the younger end of the family group.

OP's father worked hard to provide for his family

Well that's nothing extraordinary is it?

I mean if he hadn't been so determined to have a boy there might have been less kids to provide for!

Already done, been told the LA will pay approx 4k per month, leaving a 5k shortfall. With hindsight, this whole situation has not been well thought out but when it’s the first time your dealing with it you don’t realise the pitfalls (my siblings just assumed LA would pick up full bill when Dads money ran out. Now know this is not the case.

No. You many need that money for yourself or a loved one.

What sort of care is he getting for 9k a month? Or is that a standard price these days?