DP has been left an estate in a will ...

[spidersnope]

First off I've got no interest in anyone else's money , I'm just questioning what future complications this could throw up for a couple.

Between leaving his ex and meeting myself my dp has been left an estate , around £500k

Good for him. However the will stipulates that should he marry the spouse is to receive no benefit from the estate .

We're only a few years in and I've got no intention of moving in together or marriage just yet but this kind of puts me off.

So A. How would this work realistically and B, how would you feel about this?

The person with the will is still very much with us so this would be something far down the line hopefully

Set yourself free. Make it your Christmas present to yourself, and make 2025 a year for you. You have given far too much of your time and energy to this man and his issues.

When you have something planned, like a holiday, night away or meal out, does she suddenly have some kind of crisis that he must attend her for?

I don’t like to do it but I would give him an ultimatum. You or her.

@TheDowagerCountessofPembroke this seemed to be the case early on yes.
I mean he has massively dialled it all back now but the fact is he is still communicating with her and seeing her in secret

It feels so sordid

I can understand why he wants to keep it secret as he knows how I feel about it but none of this is healthy

We spent the day together for his birthday last year and he must have left his house the moment I was out of sight to go to hers
The evidence was the birthday cake he forgot to take out the footwell of his car the next day
She'd put a chocolate bunny in the middle in reference to her pet name for him
I asked why she'd made him an Easter cake when it wasn't Easter
Felt like a right idiot when I figured it out 24 hours later

Another time I'd left his house to attend a friend's event which was only 2 hours . He's bought food from a shop near her house otherwise I'd have been none the wiser .

It's batshit and I'm an idiot

@TheDowagerCountessofPembroke if I gave him an ultimatum I'm pretty sure he'd chose her
That's why I need to just end it

Wow, so much disrespect from him. What a fool he is.

OP do you follow lalalaletmeexplain on socials? If not, head over to IG. There’s no limit to the story’s [not all] men will spin to hide an affair.

This cake tale is beyond weird.

@JustMyView13
Thanks I'll have a look
Why they can't have just got together when they were single I have no idea
I mean they were like a married couple anyway
Especially with the batshit 'Will'

This^^
That’s if she isn’t his FWB.
It’s a very unhealthy relationship he has with her, she certainly seems to have quite a hold over him besides the Will stuff. I wonder what really is going on between them because I don’t think for one minute it’s all innocent.

Yes, I was going to quote that as well.

At best, he's either very naive in not recognising this himself or motivated by the potential will and being manipulative. Neither are particularly attractive qualities in someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I would be tempted to use the words "emotionally co-dependent" and point out how exceptionally unhealthy it is is, both for himself, your relationship with him and any relationship he gets himself into in the future. If just incredibly naive and a people pleaser, he needs a major wake up call, but I'm not sure I'd carry much hope I'm afraid. Hopefully you can extricate yourself, get through Christmas somehow and focus on a new year of positive change. So sorry it all seems to be coming to ahead at Christmas, but never a day too soon to set things straight.

Ok. Buy a property together and rent this out, sell this one and buy one half half, stay in this one and buy 50% of rhe property. What’s the problem?

I think the thread has moved on a bit since that post @Christl78

The more you post, the more it sounds like they are too emotionally enmeshed. Just because she's older, doesn't mean she's like a mother figure who is completely deluded and obsessed with him. Women in their 50s can be fit, healthy and attractive. I know many men involved with women 10-20 years their senior.

Whether or not they are sleeping together is immaterial. Their "friendship" is still being hidden from you and that's not healthy. There's a massive part of his life he's not sharing with you (even if it's just a, "hey I dropped in and saw x today" - he doesn't need to share every detail of what they did or talked about, but not mentioning someone ever is a massive red flag).

You already know he'd be prepared to end your relationship over their friendship, so don't give him that option.

You have two choices, you either turn a blind eye to their "friendship" and pretend it's not happening, or finish it. Neither option is easy, but if you go for the second, do not allow him to reel you back in again with promises of it being different. It won't be. If the friendship means that much to him, he'll learn to hide it better.

Do not allow him to gaslight you.

@SoUnsureWhatToDo and turning a blind eye is what I've been doing and I'm just not the kind of prison who can do it and not totally wreck my own mental health
Though ending will no doubt do the same just over a shorter time frame
This is bloody awful
And such shit timing
I bet he bloody well wishes he remembered to mute her again the other day .

@spidersnope I may be projecting, but if the situation is as it's sounding to me, I've been there. Feel free to pm if you need support off thread.

This is ultimately why you need to end it. Whatever their relationship - friends, lovers, weird parent replacement (as this sounds more like the men who are totally unhealthily codependent on their mothers than anything else to me) - you know she’ll always be his priority. That is not a basis on which you can continue in this relationship.

Yikes is this real? There’s something super odd going on here imo. Nothing wrong with leaving £ to friends if no partner, kids etc but it’s that you’ve never met her.

Unfortunately it is real

The inheritance is a non issue. The secret meetings and lying is the real issue.

Pm'd you

So I’ve just been over and ended things with him
He said he’d already arranged a day for me to meet her
I said ok show me the message
He huffed and puffed and got flustered and eventually showed me
And they were slagging me off in the messages
So that’s made dumping him 2 days before Xmas much easier

I doubt op wants a pre-nup. Yes, her dp would be wise to do it if he is significantly better off.

Plus this might be in a trust, just for blood relatives.

Oh, just saw the update- in terms of the Will, this isn’t a normal Will, like from a parent, it is from a woman 15 years older that will almost certainly change her mind given she has a lot longer to live.

@coldcallerbaiter please read the most recent posts from me, I have literally just got back in the house from ending things with him

I’m sorry this is obviously not the outcome we’d hoped for.
You deserve better, and better will come. But until then, please be kind to yourself x

Wow, OP, you made the right call. Happy Christmas, and may good things come your way in the new year.