DP has been left an estate in a will ...

[spidersnope]

First off I've got no interest in anyone else's money , I'm just questioning what future complications this could throw up for a couple.

Between leaving his ex and meeting myself my dp has been left an estate , around £500k

Good for him. However the will stipulates that should he marry the spouse is to receive no benefit from the estate .

We're only a few years in and I've got no intention of moving in together or marriage just yet but this kind of puts me off.

So A. How would this work realistically and B, how would you feel about this?

The person with the will is still very much with us so this would be something far down the line hopefully

@Zonder
Thank you
It's really getting to a point where it's making me ill
I've lost weight and I only ever lose weight when my emotions are off kilter
He's knows how this is effecting me and carriers on
My guess is if I don't end it we will still be here in 6 months with him hoping I forget about it which is what happened after I asked to meet her 6 months ago .

I always think if your partner has to hide something/someone from you then that’s emotional cheating.

Thos is a very odd situation where there’s triangulation with this woman who seems to have a weird hold over him that he can’t/wont break.

Too much drama imo. It’s really not worth years of your life with this shadow hanging over your relationship

If he is willing to end your relationship so he can still see her, then clearly she is his priority, not you. Love him or not, that is not a healthy place for you to be in a relationship

He's willing to see our relationship end over her and I just don't know why

If he was fully transparent about the friendship, you joined him when they met, there were no secrets etc then he might have a case for saying you were unreasonable and you could like it or leave.

But that's not what's happening here at all. The fact that he never understood your annoyance at losing a day of annual leave ober her shows he is fundamentally unable to see things from any perspective than his own. So long as you are together both wanting to share a takeaway/make love/get up and go to work together this has not been a problem. But when your priorities diverge he can't seem to think himself into your viewpoint. Leaving you to figure out why he is being so perverse. Maybe he is just a bit stupid and immature?

Alternatively there is some kind of emotional blackmail going on?

Whatever it is, you shouldn't have to out up with it, and you don't have to. He is obviously unwilling/ unable/ refusing to put you first (there is no suggestion that any of these numerous issues are life and death on her part, are there)

And the fact he is happy to tell you about this bizarre proposed bequest without immediately adding "so I said 'oh come on Marjorie you can't do that, it's just plain weird' " shows you really he doesn't have a clue.

Not read back over the thread but I wonder if his exes story would match his?

@candycane222
Yes he is claiming total naivety to how this looks or why it would make me feel like this
I cannot believe anyone can be that oblivious or if the shoe was on the other foot he would be fine with it

He can claim whatever he wants. It doesn't matter. The simple thing is that it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn't even matter why. You are uncomfortable with the nature and manner of this relationship and he is not willing to do anything to change it. Very reasonable requests such as "please can I meet her", he's not followed through on.
So he's done nothing to make you feel more reassured and that tells you everything

@Whyherewego absolutely

I should have ended it over the annual leave incident
Kicking myself now

He’s not oblivious, he’s gaslighting you.

At the end of the day if you end it and he doesn’t chase you, you have your answer. If you end it and it triggers him to change his relationship with OW, then you’ve achieved what you want.

Friends from other genders is healthy, but this is not.

@JustMyView13
Agree
One of my best friends of 30 years is a straight male . We've never had any issues like this and he has met my bf
I wouldn't tolerate a friendship like theirs from either gender. I would find it absolutely suffocating.

I'm meant to be going to his parents house on Xmas day
No doubt his mother will ask after his 'friend' and ask again if I've met her yet .

In actual fact I did end it at this point and he talked be round

I think I’d set the end of January as a deadline by which you must have met her, then you can tell his mum that if she asks over Xmas.

Having said that, I wonder whether meeting her will achieve much at this stage to be honest.

Have you discussed with him the fact that this woman will create hell if you do actually get together and/or get married? And that the inheritance will disappear? How does he feel about that?

@Bumcake
I think meeting her will just cement what I already suspect and that we will break up anyway so I'm with you on that one

I think he's of the opinion that she wouldn't do that and if the will is real and if he's still left it that he would just put the proceeds into a savings account and draw the interest

Is it like mother and son relationship?
Do you think he uses the future inheritance as an excuse why he is not scaling down the "friendship "?
I'm so sorry, it's all a bit Norman-batsey to me

Yeah, I don't think it would help at all. This is, as a pp said, an emotionally codependent mess.

@AmberAlert86
I honestly don't know
If he'd let me meet her then maybe I could have gauged the dynamics
Feels all too little late now even if he does let me meet her

If this was a male friend acting like this I would feel much the same way. 100 texts and daily phone calls. It’s like there is a 3rd person in the relationship.

I said this exact thing
In fact if it was a male friend I'd be concerned he was 'in the closet' to be perfectly honest

@spidersnope what was the "annual leave" incident about????

The reason he 'had' to go see her when we had arranged the annual leave together was that she had a routine vets appointment and his exact words 'she needs emotional support as she doesn't like going on her own '

He didn't even apologise he just dropped it into conversation as if this was totally acceptable

@spidersnope nah, this is not a good relationship for anyone, least of all you. she is always his priority and sounds like he is actually interested more in her money and her than you. get rid!

And the other 2 incidents before he started hiding the 'friendship'

Was late to mine when I was cooking us a meal as 'there's something wrong with her car and he 'needs ' to go look at it'

He cancelled our plans 5 days in advance as she was having a 'mental health crisis' and 'needed' to go see her on the day we'd made arrangements . I asked if this happens often , and he said 'I can tell when she's being genuine and when she's just looking for attention' after he said that I said if she pulls this again we're done .