DP has been left an estate in a will ...

[spidersnope]

First off I've got no interest in anyone else's money , I'm just questioning what future complications this could throw up for a couple.

Between leaving his ex and meeting myself my dp has been left an estate , around £500k

Good for him. However the will stipulates that should he marry the spouse is to receive no benefit from the estate .

We're only a few years in and I've got no intention of moving in together or marriage just yet but this kind of puts me off.

So A. How would this work realistically and B, how would you feel about this?

The person with the will is still very much with us so this would be something far down the line hopefully

It's not a relative.
It's a "female friend".

In which case it smacks of 'if I can't have him noone can' !

He has been told by a manipulative individual that he may inherit £500k
but as that is less than 5 years high dependency care
and the 'donor' is still alive and well
its all bilge

I can appreciate your cautious approach, on the one hand, but older couples (I'm assuming you're close to 40 based on what you've said ) usually make these decisions quite quickly.

Do they? In my experience "older" couples are less likely to rush into things as they have been burned before/appreciate their independence/are generally more sorted etc, etc.

Not for one moment saying OPs relationship is normal (I'd run for the hills) but not liking the idea people in their early 40s need to get a move on as they've got 1 foot in the grave!

I'd agree with you here. Older couples tend to already own their own homes, often with only very small mortgages or mortgage free and often with children from previous relationships.

Being independent, financially solvent and not wishing to blend families tend to be good reasons to hold off on the traditional live together/get married. Long term commitment to a relationship does not have to mean sharing a roof. Being older also means you're no longer looking at the biological clock ticking.

There are people who move in together faster, but I'm not sure OP is atypical of 40ish single mothers who have plenty of income and a property. The times when you see people rush into cohabiting are often about finances.

My MILs best friend lost her son at 21 then her husband. Our family adopted her a lovely lady. All six of us would call in regularly. Helped her move house, she came for Christmas, Easter, christening, weddings, she was much loved.

When she got sick with cancer, blood relatives crawled out of the wood work. They'd lived an hour away all this time, never visited once. Unfortunately for them she completely recovered. They disappeared again.

When twenty years later she finally died I visited her the day before. The cancer had ravaged her body but her beautiful blue eyes shone out. She died a few hours later.

We were named as executors. I was amused when told every penny had gone to cancer research. Her money, home, house contents, everything. She had fibbed to her family that they were getting it all.

Never rely on a will @spidersnope .

Been doing a lot ruminating on this

Some points people have made I hadn't really considered

The Miss Haversham comparison for a start

But also that he has lead her on . That is spot on ! They were practically in a relationship when we got together , he was at her beck and call BUT he was allowing this . The contact was so much that he had to tell her when he would be busy so she knew why he'd gone quiet.

They seemed to have eaten in all the local eateries that even I haven't been to , like they were dating (he's not from here )
He moved here to be closer to her though he will not admit that but it's now obvious.

He involved her in family events and when ever we see his mother she asks after her , asks me if I've met her yet

And then when I showed annoyance over him cancelling our plans for her he apparently told her she needed to back off and actually said 'you are not my girlfriend' but he should never have let it get to that point in the first place even as a single man

He now acts like she doesn't exist he never mentions her at all . But I think he still does go and see her occasionally

It's all kinds of messed up. I wanted to post of here about it but I thought I'd just get 'stop being so jealous men and woman can be friends ' like I've had in real life .

No this isn’t you being jealous this is him struggling to let go, being allowed to let go, of a previous romantic relationship whether he admits that’s what it was or not.

Its got me wanting to rewatch fatal attraction, make sure you lock your rabbit hutch.

If it was a normal healthy friendship he would have made sure you met early on.

That woman is going to become obsessed with more people before she dies and will leave one of them her money so I wouldn't worry about it.

That all makes a lot of sense, not rational sense as he and she don't seem very upfront about what was going on, but from your perspective. She was deluded into thinking they were in a relationship, and your partner did not assertively say they were not, so essentially it was a romantic friendship that blocked out others, til he swapped to you. Hard for her and doesn't speak well of his ability to have boundaries and care for the wellbeing of others. Not sure what you can do except call him on this, decide if he's your type of person, and live your lives separately to this friendship. Personally I think what he did is pretty mean, I would have wanted to meet her by now, I even wonder if he kept you separate so she couldn't explain the full extent of their romantic friendship, because you only have his account (plus his parents' enquiries) to go off- perhaps there was more to it even than this very intense and inappropriate friendship? Hope you sort it out in your own mind OP.

Which is ironic as her pet name for him is 'bunny' which is apparently in reference to his ex being a 'bunny boiler'
Really confusing as he paints his ex as being totally uninterested in him or their relationship until she finally got bored enough to leave him for someone else .

@OnlyinBlackandWhite yes lots of unanswered questions which I have asked but never really got solid answers to

I do worry about his boundaries

It's a shame this had cast such a shadow over the start of our relationship and I struggle to shake the feeling

It's otherwise a good relationship and he'd do anything for me but it'll be a long time before I take further commitments and I think I'd already decided I won't move forward past where we are if he's still in contact with her and that will is still in place

"I won't move forward past where we are if he's still in contact with her and that will is still in place"

Your haven't listened to what people are saying, the "will" is totally irrelevant and more than likely does not exist!!!
His relationship with this woman is the problem! Forget about the willit is a massive red herring

Agreed. You need to have that chat about boundaries OP - trust your gut on this one. If everything else is good, hopefully this is something he'll be open to working on, but it will take some work from you both.

Just an update
I had half hoped he'd stopped speaking to her but a few days ago her name flashed up on his phone like it used to 100 times a day
I think he's had her muted the last few months and forgot to mute her again when I saw this
It lead to a conversation
So
No he hasn't seen evidence of this will
And he says he will not stop seeing her (I didn't ask him to)
I told him I will not move this relationship further if he's allowing her to still dangle that fictional carrot over him and seeing her behind my back
I told him he needs to let me meet her and he agreed but this was also said 6 months ago

I feel physically sick over this

I know I need to end it. The whole thing is so confusing . I can't understand any of it . But I've never had to end it with someone I love before and it's heartbreaking .

Oh and I also told him this is cheating.
But apparently he doesn't believe that prioritising her and her feelings over mine , seeing her in secret and muting their conversations whilst not letting me meet her, is cheating .

It's a bizarre situation @spidersnope.
I'm so sorry but you need to finish it. You shouldn't need to issue ultimatums or ask to meet (several times now I believe).

@AmberAlert86 it's highly bizarre and I can understand why some pp think I've made it up but unfortunately not

It's so confusing as on one hand it's the best relationship I've ever had

I've met all his family and friends etc . It's all completely normal , we get along great and the only arguments we've ever had have been over her

But then we have this bizarre shit just lurking in the background

He's willing to see our relationship end over her and I just don't know why

If they are both after more than friendship with each other then why aren't they just together

He said he's upset as he feels everything he has done for me isn't enough . I said I appreciate everything he has done and how well he treats me but that doesn't mean he can effectively cheat on me too .

The person is alive, they may well change their mind so I wouldn't get any hopes up on what you think you may get.

My fault for drip feeding I suppose

He needs to just forget about potential future inheritance and get on with his life. It's quite normal to state that the money is for the recipient not partners or spouses.

I'd be running away screaming, honestly.

It's an emotional affair. They are emotionally codependent. That's a form of cheating.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It won't get better unless he accepts it for what it is.