Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - my partner just dumped me

238 replies

kitkat2024 · 07/12/2024 22:00

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 10/12/2024 00:45

kitkat2024 · 09/12/2024 17:27

Love the idea of community groups and fundraising, thank you!

Any ideas what I should do for Xmas? I'm supposed to be with my parents and brother but I don't want to drag everyone down. I'm wondering whether I should see if I can get a hotel room somewhere for the day or something

Don’t be ridiculous! Be with your family. Have a few drinks and a laugh. Don’t isolate yourself even further! That’s not a good idea at all! Your family sound very supportive, that’s where you should be.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 10/12/2024 09:49

As I’m a bit older than you and without my parents I would hate to think I’d missed a Christmas because some idiot had dumped me.
Your family sound lovely, spend some time with them. If you go off to a hotel not only will it ruin their Christmas they will be so worried as to why you are isolating yourself from them.
The idiot has his tree up and will be enjoying a family Christmas.
It’s time for you to do the same. They know you are hurt and upset and will understand.

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 10:23

@Youvebeenframed seeing what the local church might need is a good idea - thanks.

@TipsyJoker @PeggyMitchellsCameo I just feel bad for dragging them down at a happy time of year. I've already had to move home which is an inconvenience although they would never tell me that of course.

I'm going to collect some more of my stuff later but I'm not coping. Just had a little cry in the toilets at work. I thought I was stronger than this. I haven't slept properly since Sunday - all the memories of happy times and questions running through my mind

OP posts:
Semiramide · 10/12/2024 10:29

If you have trouble sleeping, get yourself some diphenhydramine (Benadryl) until you get better. Available OTC from pharmacies as well as supermarkets and Poundland.

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 13:49

@Semiramide thank you, I took kalms last night and they had no effect so I'm going to get some Benadryl now. I'm sure a good sleep would help me be more rational.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 10/12/2024 15:01

Spend Christmas with your family and also volunteer at a shelter/homeless group so other volunteers can be home. It will be better than moping.

Your standards next time will be higher. You took on a pliable man baby as a project. Next time demand more respect and kindness and functionality from the beginning. Stop worrying for now about where your next date is coming from. If he shows up he shows up. Start having a life for and about yourself !

uptheculdesac · 10/12/2024 16:12

3luckystars · 07/12/2024 22:17

He sounds like a loser and not good father material. 3 years is not your childbearing years though, don’t panic.

I hope you will be ok x x

Why does he sound like a loser? People are entitled to realise they don't want to be with someone. He doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

uptheculdesac · 10/12/2024 16:17

kitkat2024 · 08/12/2024 00:45

My grandad in Ireland died 3 weeks ago. 10 days ago ex bf was in Ireland with me at the funeral (flights and accommodation all paid for by my parents) playing the supportive partner. And 10 days later he's dumped me??

Would you prefer that he had kept up a ruse until what, 6 weeks after the funeral?
Look, he has realised (maybe due to living together and the realities that come with that) that pub and he are not right together. This isn't wrong.
It is awful now but one day when you are happy and in love you will realise he was absolutely right to cut things when he knew things were not right. He's freed you to find the right person for you.
Staying in a relationship he didn't feel was right and then having dc in that would be a terrible thing to go

uptheculdesac · 10/12/2024 16:19

kitkat2024 · 08/12/2024 00:49

@TipsyJoker thank you. A total future faker! Did you have ivf? I considered freezing my eggs before but the success rates were so low I don't think it's an option for me

Demonising him will not help you move forward.
Realising after you live together that things aren't right is not future faking.

uptheculdesac · 10/12/2024 16:23

Howdoesremortgagework · 08/12/2024 02:46

I met my ex when I was 34. I never really wanted kids but got pregnant a week before I turned 37. We.bought a house when baby was 4 months. His mask came off.and showed everyone who.he is. I knew I'd made a mistake right away but couldn't do anything immediately.

It's 3 years down the line and this man still refuses to engage in discussions regarding ownership of the house. He has become more and more emotionally abusive, he awesome toddler for about 2 hours a week.

He's showed you who he is, believe him. You've still got time. I'm 40 with the most funny smart child ever. Or like someone else said, do it alone. It would probably not be better in every way.

Oh this is ridiculous. It's gone from a man realising that he doesn't want to be with someone to you comparing him to an abusing ex. The OPs ex hasn't 'shown her who he is'. He's broken off with her. That's allowed. That's normal. That's what people who realise they are no longer in love with someone do. Or they should do.

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 16:50

@uptheculdesac I see now that he never really wanted what I wanted despite his assurances. If it were up to him we would still be only seeing each other at weekends. It was me who suggested increasing to a weeknight in the week, me who suggested moving in together. His friends and sports always took priority and he took umbridge at, and called me controlling for, wanting to see him two nights per week. The day I moved in he let me lug my stuff from my car up the stairs to his flat for hours whilst he napped, later complaining about having to make space for my stuff. I should have left there and then. I have been so stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 16:51

@uptheculdesac also his coldness and threatening to change the locks on Sunday is totally out of character or perhaps he is showing his true colours now

OP posts:
Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 16:53

@uptheculdesac I would have preferred for him to just not come to the funeral. I'm not saying he should have dumped me then but he definitely shouldn't have allowed my parents to spend £600 on accommodation and travel for him and partake in such an intimate family event when he had no intention of staying with me. He could easily have said he couldn't get the time off work.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 10/12/2024 16:53

And the fact that he didn't want to see you much and you had to, what, beg, bully him into spending time with you wasn't a major red flag?

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 16:57

@Bumblebeestiltskin it was definitely something we disagreed on. Looking back there were many red flags and I feel stupid enough without you pointing it out thanks.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 10/12/2024 16:58

OP, don't beat yourself up, from your description of him he sounds very immature. It's hard now but in the future you will realise you dodged a bullet. Please do spend Christmas with your family, l'm sure they will support you even if you are a bit weepy and will alo reasure you that you've had a lucky escape.

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 17:00

@Seaoftroubles thank you, you are right. Im psyching myself to go over to his in 30 mins to get my stuff and I will be calm and nonchalant. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I haven't slept and that I'm extremely tearful and anxious. The kind messages on here have been so comforting.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 17:05

@Bumblebeestiltskin also there were good times and I foolishly clung onto those

OP posts:
ChessorBuckaroo · 10/12/2024 17:14

TipsyJoker · 10/12/2024 00:45

Don’t be ridiculous! Be with your family. Have a few drinks and a laugh. Don’t isolate yourself even further! That’s not a good idea at all! Your family sound very supportive, that’s where you should be.

Show quote history

Absolutely this OP. Worst thing any of us can do is isolate ourselves when something shitty happens. Have Christmas with your family, and have as good a one as you can.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 10/12/2024 17:17

kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 17:05

@Bumblebeestiltskin also there were good times and I foolishly clung onto those

I think we've all been there! It's definitely on him, not you, I hope I didn't sound like I was blaming you.

Seaoftroubles · 10/12/2024 17:32

OP, good luck collecting your stuff, can you take someone with you for back up and moral support, your brother maybe? Keep your head high and don't engage with him, just treat him with icy disdain. You are better than he could ever hope for and believe me you can and will do better!

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 19:18

I'm here and they're all sitting round the dinner table laughing and joking??? Wtf he clearly never loved me or cared for me

OP posts:
Agapornis · 10/12/2024 19:34

At least you know he's not worth caring about. It would have been more conflicting if he'd begged for another chance.

Original poster
kitkat2024 · 10/12/2024 19:36

@Agapornis I would never have given him another chance anyway but he's not even sad??? And I've been crying on and off all day at work?!!

OP posts:
Agapornis · 10/12/2024 19:43

It will make your sadness phase last shorter!

I know it's hard to see any upside to this, it is okay to grieve what wasn't. It's only been 3 days. What helps me is to give myself permission to cry over a break-up for 1 week. Then reassess every week.

But him being like this will reduce any what-if thoughts. Also, he might well be laughing and joking because he's clearly emotionally incompetent. Who are the other people there with him? At least you know who he's surrounded with so you can avoid them all.