Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

@TipsyJoker thank you, I really like the idea of getting involved in community projects - I will certainly take a look at what's available in my area. I have found a walking group today and enquired about their next meet so that's something.

I definitely need to find some hobbies! What sort of thing did you do?

Just read your post back to yourself...you have described a man child Peter Pan type! He sounds incredibly lazy, can't be bothered to wash his own bedsheets and will let you carry heavy stuff up the stairs on move day while he had a nap?? I have the ick already. 14 year old boy banter is a red flag too because I presume by that you mean he says derogatory things about women like a testosterone fueled ignorant teenager, so he is basically a misogynist. You do realize that you have absolutely dodged a bullet, this man is not father material AT ALL!! Please wake up and smell the coffee. Also you say that you were terrified he would get cold feet when you moved on so presumably you already had a feeling he was a flight risk.. sounds like you've been doing all the work to keep the man child happy in desperation for a family, which he has lapped up in full knowledge he wouldn't be sticking around. He has not taken your baby years as you are still young enough, but you've squandered a lot of them by sticking it out with this awful man. Please work on yourself before you start dating again. I'd also say figure out what you want, if you desperately just want a child and you sound as though you have your own house already so may be in a good financial position, maybe you should go down the AI sperm donor route. Lots of helpful FB groups you can join with other women doing this if you want to dip your toe in for further information as a starter. The pool of decent men who actually want children seems to be ever dwindling.

I got into arts projects. All kinds of medium from film to oil painting. Met a whole lot of unique individuals. I went to loads of exhibition openings, which usually have free booze and lots of shmoosing with people. I also got a flat share with people from different countries. I met some very cool people one which has been a close friend for over a decade now and was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I went out dancing a lot too. Just went to dance the night away with the girls and have fun. Having more fun is the way to go. If you’re happy, you’ll attract the right things into your life. Do the things that bring you joy.

The most effective for making new friends were: local park friends and community garden groups (tree and bulb planting etc), jujitsu, a few short courses in horticulture, a language and upholstery (all run by the council, weekly evening classes), and through work.

Ineffective: one-day creative courses (make a ceramic pot, lampshade, necklace etc). Fun but very fleeting.

If you like team sports they can be good too - I hate them otherwise I'd join the local women's basketball or football team. Some friends enjoyed swimming and diving - both artistic and scuba.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
But! I was in a similar situation before. I was dumped by the guy who I was planning my future with (I was honest about what I wanted, and he said he wanted the same).
4 years ago, I met someone. Since, we got married, bought a home, and have two wonderful children. I couldn't even imagine ever being this happy; getting dumped by my ex was the best thing ever happened to me.

What I learned from this experience that when you meet someone, and you tell them what you want, don't just listen to their words. Actions speak louder.

@TipsyJoker @Agapornis thank you for all your suggestions, I will definitely look into some local things

@Katherina198819 I'm so pleased you got your happy ending! How old were you when your ex dumped you? How did you meet your husband?

He has been so nasty to me today - cold and unfeeling when I collected some of my stuff and now being difficult about when I can collect the rest (he wouldn't let me keep my key).

I can't stop thinking about how he came to my grandad's funeral in Ireland, an intimate family time, less than 2 weeks ago and now he's dumped me. He must have known then that he no longer wanted me and yet he played along. He could have said he couldn't get the time off work. He was considered part of the family and I know my mum, who is grieving, feels particularly betrayed about that.

if my ex doesn't want to be with me then why would anyone want to be my friend or date me?

I had no idea everyone on the planet is the Borg with a hive mind .... some type of clone.

Your ex is your ex - with his background/upbringing/history/experiences/values/issues/character etc etc.

We've all been rejected or dumped by men, and later been not rejected or dumped by other men who were not objectively inferior ..in fact they may have been superior.
I am not some men's type/drama.wonan because I am skinny, have a small bust, am not coy, am opinionated etc etc. I am other men's dream women because they like slim, athletic figures, they like arses, they like faces, they like a sense of humour/wit, they like quirkiness. The men whose type I've been have not been in any way inferior to the ones who rejected me. In fact a couple are the top of the heap in terms of things people value like height, career success. A couple have also had much better personal qualities like integrity.

The world is full of all sorts of people. Your ex is the arbiter of nothing. Other than his own preferences and values and "character".

He probably should have made an excuse and not gone. He didn't. Only he knows his reasons for that.

Do you think he's been involved elsewhere and it went from being uncertain, to more of a sure thing?

At 34, he has not stolen your child bearing yeas. Not by a long shot.

Maybe get a fertility check up if you can afford it, it's not perfect but better than nothing. It's a private clinic thing obviously.

I've just read a few more posts...he sounds like an immature, childish wanker; why are you basing how other people are/will be/your value on his actions?

There's often a Facebook group for single women in a city. They always contain people in exactly your position or people who are new to the area. Give your life a bit of time to evolve into a new shape and look up the group. Also the 'are we dating the same guy' group for your area probably knows the kind of group I'm talking about if you struggle to find one.

You’re so well rid.
Get the rest of your stuff as soon as you can and forget the bastard. Then onwards and upwards.
Never be desperate or sell yourself short. You’re so young, although you don’t think so, and this is a blessing in disguise.

@kitkat2024
I was 31.
I met my husband on Bumble. It was simple. I messaged him that I liked his profile, and we should meet up for a walk/coffee. He said OK and we agreed on the day. No other messages were exchanged.
Online dating is hard, especially when people love pretending they are different when they hide behind the screens. I invited out all my dates straight away and told them I would not text beforehand. No point in spending time, energy, and emotionally getting involved with someone - at the end of the day, personal impression will decide if you like them or not.

Also, there are so many "men child" our there. I guess with online dating, they just keep waiting for the better option. Some of them are already in a relationship, so they just want to text with random women. Best if you meet them in person before getting involved. It's hard. But I knew what I wanted, and I was honest about it. My husband loved that (and still does). You know from the first date if someone is serious by asking the right questions and seeing how they react to your honesty.

I wish I could find the anger I had on Saturday. I'm just totally bereft now. I'm on placement today and everyone is talking about their Xmas plans with their partners and kids. I don't really know how I'm going to get through the festive season. I need to find my fight but I only slept for 2 hours on Saturday night and 4 hours last night. I've been fighting back tears all morning but I really feel like I might crack at any moment

There's never really a good time to end a relationship when one side is quite happy but just before your grandad's funeral would have been spectacularly heartless.

It's natural that you feel really sad right now, especially as you are also grieving but being angry and feeling betrayed won't help you get over him. Allow yourself to feel sad, then you can move on and find someone more worthy of your love.

@Porcuporpoise no of course, I understand that but he shouldn't have flown out with me to the funeral and been part of such a special occasion when in his head he was gone and probably seeing the other woman then

I agree. He wasted OP’s time for three years, and she has every right to be offended even though, luckily, she should still have some time left.

Good advice. I’d also recommend looking at local community groups, especially if there’s a project you could get involved in, eg clearing a neglected outdoor space, or fundraising for a local need. Something you can put you’d heart and soul into.

Love the idea of community groups and fundraising, thank you!

Any ideas what I should do for Xmas? I'm supposed to be with my parents and brother but I don't want to drag everyone down. I'm wondering whether I should see if I can get a hotel room somewhere for the day or something

Of course you should go see your family. Christmas isn't about faking happiness, it's about spending it with people you love. I'm sure they'll want you to spend it with them, even if you need a little cry.

Don’t isolate yourself at Christmas, stay with your family. They sounds lovely, they want to support you.

You could volunteer at a homeless soup kitchen or Salvation Army for the holiday? You will meet lovely people and may give you a bit of perspective 💐

@Youvebeenframed thank you, I did already look at volunteering at the local homeless shelter and soup kitchen but all the spaces have already been filled.

Do you like animals? The local dog shelter will always need help and walkers 🤔
Your local church would also be able to point you toward where help will be needed 🙂