Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

Sounds like he checked out a while ago. So he's not grieving a loss like you are
You WILL be fine. You really will. Rye pain is awful right now but it will get better. Little by little. But please don't start panic buying a man to breed with. You have plenty of time. You aren't in a state to enter a relationship. You want to be your best self when you start dating because then you will not settle for anyone who isn't worthy of a life with you.

@Agapornis totally - I may cry about my situation - being lonely and single at 34 - but not for him after tonight. What a way to be treated!

@uptheculdesac even if he checked out a while ago he could have exercised some sensitivity tonight. I am going to take some time for myself - I'm getting my hair done tomorrow (what a cliche!) and try to start to feel good about myself again. I am gobsmacked by his insensitivity this evening.

@kitkat2024 l really hope this helps you to see his true colours.He is just a shallow immature man child who isn't worth your time or your tears. Hopefully this will enable you to cut ties completely and move on.
Please dont rush into dating again though, you need to recover first and spend some time investing in yourself and building up your boundaries.

@Seaoftroubles thank you. I remain anxious about the future but I know now that this guy was absolutely not the one for me. I can't understand how he can be so cruel and unaffected but I guess I need to stop thinking about that or I'll drive myself mad.

I feel absolutely sick this morning. How could he treat me like that? And how do I get it off my mind?

@kitkat2024

I was exactly there at age 34! I fully sympathise! I had to find my inner tiger. DON’T LET HIS SHITTY BEHAVIOUR DEFEAT YOU. You are SO much better than this, and he will treat his next victim with as much thoughtlessness as he has shown to you. You deserve better and you are better than someone who thinks it’s ok to treat people this way.

It’s going to hurt for a bit I am afraid, and the greatest healer is time.
If you have your heart broken you just want to fix it, and you have so many questions.
He treated you like that because he’s immature and in some ways, you allowed it. I am not judging, but like many others on here, I allowed it in my past.
He wanted his friends and sports and a weekend girlfriend. When you moved in he let you do it all on your own. You were carrying the load in this relationship and so he had no reason to change.
Of course you will have had good times together. Can you imagine this man as a father? Because he would have left you holding the baby and carried on as before.
I am going to repeat myself because at 34, I had no idea how young that was. No idea at all.
He is not going to care about your feelings because he lives in his own bubble.
But you must care about yourself. It’s an awful time, I remember it well, but while a man like that is in your life he’s taking up the space that a really decent man deserves.
One day I promise you, when you have met that decent man, and he wants to spend time with you, and wants you to share a home and a life, when he is there by your side and you are a team, you will truly value him.

Instead of focusing on why he did this to you, can you try to figure out why you let him do this you - and how to make sure you won't let anyone treat you like this again, ever.

I probably sound like a broken record, but Women Who Love Too Much would be a good start. Plus some counselling.

Distract yourself with other things which bring you joy. Watch the funny movie, eat the delicious food, go out with the girls, etc.

@kitkat2024

It might be no harm to talk through this with a therapist. You are hurting right now and it seems like everything is pointless but maybe this is for the best. You seem to be focusing a lot on the loss of your relationship status rather than your relationship itself. In fact when you describe your relationship it seems as though you may have ignored a lot of things to keep yourself in the relationship. It is also important to face your own accountability at some point, not now, so that you can move forward and find a healthier relationship ths next time around. It's really hard, I was 37 when it happened, but I am many, many years apast it now and very happy.

It doesn’t matter how he think or did think you will drive yourself insane.

I was in a committed relationship but not living together at 34 but he was constantly talking about marriage. DC1 was conceived unplanned but very wanted - he dumped me 24 hours later. I had the baby on my own. He never contributed or paid child support.

I married a man at 40 a work colleague - wish I could tell you it had a happy ending - it didn’t. Very immature man and spoke to his controlling parents at least twice a day and they tried to control me too. We divorced a year later when I had just had our planned child.

For me, I met my current DP at 50. Getting married in March and he is mature, helpful and just all round lovely. Gaining a lovely adult step son. How did I meet him 3 years of bumble dating. Yes I stated who I was and what I wanted and if they pissed me off or love bombed or any red flags I binned - quickly with no investment.

In your position forget him. Cut him totally out and all Mughals. Do the hobbies and interests you want. Look at donor inseminator if you want to be a mum and do it alone (I did it alone) and go it alone and get on a dating app and be ruthless.

DP is not my type and I would never have gone out with him on looks. I went out and gave him a chance as we had similar interests. But goodness I fancy the pants off him and have done since date 4. He loves me and he is my life partner.

Love this.

I call it "dating myself".

Filling your life with joy and living on your terms - surely the absolute best thing about being single?!

I have just booked a ticket to see one of my favourite DJs. Going solo (first ever solo rave!) but I'm sure I'll meet great people there. And if not, I get to lose myself in amazing music. Win win.

OP, don't give this loser another moment's thought and get out there and live your best life. Good luck.

It's going to hurt like hell. Feeling sick, not sleeping, not interested in food, can't stop thinking about it - all totally normal.

You've had a shock and it takes time to get over it. But you will get over it - I promise you. Truly you really will. You just have to get through this epically shitty bit first.

Be very gentle with yourself. You'll want to dwell and wonder why you didn't see red flags before, worry about your future. All normal but try not to dwell too much. You can't change what's happened, and you don't know what's coming in the future - all you can do is focus on now.

Eat. You won't feel like it, but not eating won't help your energy levels. Try soup - gentle on your tummy and isn't too bulky.

Exercise - not some kind of mad gym bunny routine (unless you feel like it!) but try and get out for some fresh air and a walk every day.

Don't isolate yourself. You'll be tempted to shut yourself away - don't. Spend time with family and any friends that have free time. Don't spend Christmas on your own. Your family love you and it won't make their day any better if they know you've taken yourself off because you're worried about being a burden - it will just make them worry more. So spend Christmas with your family.

One day at a time. You feel like your heart is literally breaking right now - it will pass. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will and you just have to take each day as it comes.