Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

He did not take your childbearing years....you have at least 10 years to go! Cut your losses and be proactive at meeting someone, but don't waste it on time wasters. Guys make it clear when they are ready to settle down....most women choose to ignore when they say things like "Im not ready to settle. I want kids, but not for a while..." My first date with my husband, he said "I am looking for the person I am going to marry, I am ready to settle down." Women believe they can change men....but it is mostly when a man is ready to get married....he will marry the next women he meets 😂Okay, not exactly....but the next gf he has that is marriage material.

Anyway, chin up. All is not lost. I know someone who got divorced at 35 and no kids. She very much wanted children and I was worried it would not happen as the time was ticking. She was proactive on healing and doing things to enhance her happiness - going out, being social, exercising, meditating and up for anything. She met her next dh within 6 months....then engaged 6 months later, married 6 months later.....pregnant 6 months into their marriage. Still happily married with two kids.

But, I also have friends that had a habit of wasting time on wrong men and are still single, over 40 and no kids......you have a choice...seek out someone who is kind and ready to start a family.

I think sometimes until you move in with a partner you don’t really know the person as much as you think. Some people can be in relationships for years but move in together and just don’t mesh together how they hoped. Then even the simplest of things can become very irritating

So sorry. What a shock for you. What a shitty way to do it. Honestly, this is a lucky escape. Don’t let him come crawling back. He’s shown his true colours. He’s selfish and a manchild. He’s not husband/father material.

Good for you for booking stuff in. Figure out what you enjoy and live your life.

Don’t panic about time. I was where you are at your age. I won’t pretend it was happy after ever. Manchildren are hard to avoid and we are separating, but I’ve had a 15 year marriage and wonderful DC.

What I’ve seen happen time and time again over the past 50 years is that you will meet somebody else very quickly and you’ll probably both have a baby with different people by this time next year.
You’ve tried doing it the thoughtful way where you plan, now what happens is fate takes overt

Op from your post your getting on with your life retraining and ready to plan your social life. Maybe he wants to be stuck doing the same things or saw you as doing better than him. Who knows. But I think you will look back in relief. Take time for yourself. The dating apps are hardwork but I met my partner this way and all good. Plus 34 is not old you can always consider freezing eggs.

I feel for you OP. My partner suddenly ended our relationship about a month ago and refused to talk to me about it. There is some relevant context (which am not going to air in here) but I am absolutely heart broken. I’m late 40s and I do feel completely at a loss as well. All of the comments about being best it’s now etc mean nothing when you are truly heartbroken 💔

You’ve definitely had a lucky escape. Could you honestly see him being an equal
partner to raise a child with. Read the multiple multiple threads from women here who don’t have partners that pull their weight and how physically and mentally draining it is.
I would definitely say to stay single for a while and do some therapy if you can and work on your self esteem, so that when you decide to date again you won’t settle

My advice, for what it's worth...

• don't get serious with men for whom you are an option rather than a priority
• instead focus on your own needs and don't make 'sacrifices'
• don't date men whose mum will wash his bedsheets for him (!) and bake him cakes etc and (who) has the 'banter' of a 14 year old schoolboy
• read Women Who Love Too Much by Dr Robin Norwood, and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Barden
• and definitely take the expensive handwash!!

He's fallen out of love with you, that can't be helped. He hasn't done anything wrong.
Yes, it's painful for you, but it's crazy to say he's taken your child baring years.
Also, you're already thinking about the next man?!

OP you had a lucky escape. I cannot see this guy sharing child rearing responsibilities at all.

OP you definitely have more time than you think and sound really sensible. Also look after yourself. Drink water. Sleep. Do yoga. Walk in nature. It will get your glow back and put you in a better place.

Well it's have been bad to dump you at the funeral.

Sorry.

You have to look at the practicalities right now. Untangling yourself from him. Emotionally and physically.

There'll be a huge range of emotions you'll go through as a result of the shock. But concentrate on moving on and forward with your life.

Go on a date soon. Someone new. Just so you know your life is still ongoing.

All of this.

I made the mistake of marrying mine and he's still prioritising his mates. I had responsibility for all child related and household tasks even when I was working. You may not feel this now but it's a lucky escape!

OP you are definitely better off without this one, but I do think you railroaded him into pushing the relationship forward at a rate he wasn’t ready for.

Presumably because you wanted children, which I get.

I think you need to avoid doing that again when you start dating again.

Another 'boy' who never grew up and has no plans to.

I'm sorry.

I know a couple of women who've gone it alone and are now raising lovely children on their own. They went via sperm donors. They decided they weren't going to waste their lives looking for a man who knew what it meant to be an adult and possibly end up without the families they wanted.

100% be petty take the hand wash! You sound lovely and he sounds like an absolute A grade prick. Onwards and upwards!

Sorry to hear this OP, but it's not over for your future.
My DH died when I was 35, I met now DH a year later, we had a baby last year naturally (I'm 42 now) moved in together in 2022, got married earlier this year, I just wanted to give you a bit of hope.
If he can do this to you and treat you this way he's not worth it anyway.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages; I am gaining strength from each one. I've only slept 2 hours but I'm going back to get my stuff now and I'm going to take the handwash along with every single other thing I have bought for that place!

@Jagoda he saw that woman yesterday for 6 hours and then came home and dumped me so I still have my suspicions.

I think you have answered your own question there then.

How revolting. Jumping on his dead friends partner like that!

Hold your head high. Lean on family and friends. Better times will come.

@Jagoda disgraceful isn't it? After I've got most of my stuff today I'm going to look at groups to meet new people and maybe have a nap because I only slept for 2 hours. I'd love to say I wish him well but I hope it all ends in tears with this other woman who btw is a criminal convicted of voyerism and was sexting another man whilst ex bf's friend was sick with cancer

You will be fine @kitkat2024 you will look back and see that this was a blessing in disguise.

I am sorry it does feel shitty, that's understandable, big hugs.

You are still young, take some time for yourself. Head up and make the world your oyster.

You have dodged a massive bullet and sound so much stronger and switched on than you’re giving yourself credit for.
This man child would have been a huge drain.
Did I miss something? Has he met someone else? …. She’s done you a favour
Good luck OP. Enjoy and embrace the freedom of singledom. Your confidence will attract love when you least expect it 💫

Sounds like shit got real after drifting along for years when things moved to the next level he’s realised it’s not what he wants

it takes balls to end a relationship easiest thing is plodding along for an easy option this rarely works out long term

I was single at your age. I met my hubby to be when I was 35. 4 years down the line we have a 1 year old and are getting married in 2 months time. Don't panic yet. You still have time. A man that wants the same as you won't need pushing.

Obviously it’s a shock to be dumped so suddenly and extra-hard at this time of year too, but he did you a favour in a way because it would have been much worse to be dumped a bit later on.

First, you still have time to have a baby; second, the best advice I can give you is to work on enjoying your own company and not placing your value on whether you have a partner or not. That doesn’t mean you have to be alone for the rest of your life, just that you feel more at ease in your own company. You don’t need to be with friends or have a partner all the time. I hope that makes sense.

Lots of your talk is of having a baby. Is that your priority? You seem keen to immediately find a replacement for your boyfriend, like you’re looking to replace him with almost anyone in order to continue your future plans. Stop. Think. You have options. If a baby is your priority, that doesn’t have to happen in a relationship. You can use a sperm donor. If you do that and have a baby, it will make it more difficult for you to find a partner probably. How would that make you feel? The sensible thing might be a compromise: give yourself X years to find a partner and if you haven’t found one by then, look into sperm donation.

I know it’s all a shock now, but in the long run this will make you stronger and more focussed on what you want. x