Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

I get that you're upset and disappointed but, please, cut out the drama - you're 34 not 44!

Unfortunately, moving in with someone is a huge test in a relationship and the first real indicator as to whether it could work out. He hasn't done anything awful to you, he hasn't taken your child bearing years, it just wasn't going to work out.

What a weirdo he sounds, thank goodness you didn’t ‘push’ him to have a child then he changed his mind and decided he didn’t love you afterwards! You’re too good for him.

My friends & I are older than you, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard “I’ll never meet someone” or “I’ll be too old for a baby” then BOOM next thing you know…❤️👶

I admire your attitude to socialising: you could try community gardening groups (getting muddy in the outdoors is very bonding), swing dance classes (or any kind of dance where you all circulate), local choir (church or community?). Things that make YOU feel good firstly, and might lead you to meet someone when you’re ready. Don’t give up.

@dijonketchup a dance class is a good idea actually, thank you. Right now I'm just dumbfounded, especially by his behaviour this morning

I’m newly unexpectedly single at 43 so do I need to panic 😳🤣

OP, you're obviously heartbroken, and I'm so sorry for that - but you're being quite dramatic! He's 'stolen your childbearing years', after 3.5 in your early thirties? 🙈 Like many others, I had my daughter at 40.

SO heartbroken.

Or just desperate to settle down and have kids (which isn't a bad thing, just be honest, OP).

None of that changes the point. You're angry and pissed off but you're not heartbroken. Neither of you loved each other, it couldn't be clearer to see, from your own words.
You should be happy about that.

I'm shocked at how quickly he changed and how he treated me with such contempt this morning. None of you know our relationship so please don't post here saying I didn't love him. You don't know me and I am here asking for support

OP you are unbelievably full on. You have admitted you railroaded him into things he didn't want to do and now you're immediately talking about finding someone else.

I think you need to take a break and do some self reflection before anything.

So speaking from experience, your reaction here is to get out socially and meet lots of new people. Nothing wrong with that, I tried it, but I didn’t find any answers. I just made myself busy but was unable to bury my feelings.
It just felt like a mad dash to find a new life.
And I didn’t really deal with how I was feeling.
Instead of the mad dash, especially at this time of year when people already have plans, spend some time with your family, who sound lovely.
Make some plans for you, for 2025. What do you actually like doing? Is there something else you’d like to try? The best way to make new friends is to do
something you enjoy.
Him. It sounds like there could be some sort of connection between him and this other woman. It’s not unheard of. Men do like to feel like saviours. But it’s not based on anything real.
I am sorry to report that men do tend to just carry on - they eat, sleep, go to the gym.

@SweetBobby well there's no point dwelling is there? He made it abundantly clear this morning that he didn't care for me or love me. I didn't railroad him into anything - he could have said no at any stage and I did say that if any point he wasn't sure he should just get out. My life and future have been turned upside down so sorry if I'm trying to find ways to spend my time now that I'm alone and the future I thought I'd have with a man who I thought loved me has gone.

I think people are being really unkind. No one knows your relationship and how much you loved him. Sadly (as you will know in social work) we go into fight or flight mode… my ex rushed into something with me and it ended abruptly when he realised this. Regardless of his feelings it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him and miss him enormously. I have put a brave face on things as the world does keep turning with work etc but it doesn’t mean am not heartbroken. To people casting judgement on the OP please things about how your words are landing x

@BlueSkies1981 thank you for your empathy and kindness. Feel free to message me if you'd like some support

He's not worthy of you - but I don't think you can see that, so work on yourself first. Don't centre men so much in your life. Explore what YOU like.
Try out lots of hobbies even if it doesn't feel like 'you', go group holidays, learning something new - crafts like upholstery, arts like printmaking, languages, sports/dance/movement, a vaguely work related qualification, bellringing).

Maybe get some therapy on why you feel this man needed you to save him. I've done that before, but it never ends well. I need an equal, not a fixer-upper.

Thank you- am hanging in there! Had a weekend on my own away and it’s been good to take some time on my own x You will make sense of things but never feel you have to justify yourself x

But you didn't, and you know that. So you really don't need much support here.
This is a good thing. I'm not being mean to you! You're ready to move on 4 seconds after he says good bye. You're grand.

Try and just be on your own without a BF rather than jumping into a new relationship. This too will only end in tears

@Agapornis thank you, I feel so stupid for letting the relationship drag on so long when, in hindsight, I can see he didn't really want it. On the day I moved in he napped on the sofa whist I lugged all my stuff up the stairs. I should have left there and then.

@BlueSkies1981 I'm so proud of you for doing that, it must have taken a lot of bravery.

@WreggGallace but what do I do now? Who do I spend my time with?

Meet Up is very good for meeting people, but do it with a view to meeting friends, not a new relationship. The walking ones are good, just pick a good group of people you may find friendship with. Good Luck

Perhaps this is to give you space to learn to enjoy time spent with yourself & to learn to love yourself whether you are single or in a relationship.

Do you have friends?

@Sofaroller they are all coupled up with babies. They aren't as available for me anymore

I’m married with 2 children but I still see my friends. Maybe not every weekend but I do socialise. Maybe you can try to set up a meet up with a different friend every weekend for the next couple of months. If you tell them your relationship has ended they will most likely make the effort to meet with you if they are good friends. See who’s available in the new year and work on setting up meets. Until then, work on coming to terms with what’s happened and start planning for yourself. Where do you want to live? Work on your studies. Maybe think about things you’d like to do that you’ve never tried before. Push yourself. If you can get involved with group activities it’s a good way to meet new people and make new friends. Like I said previously, community projects, which cover a whole host of things from music, drama, walking groups, art, gardening, are always a good bet. See what’s happening where you’re based and get involved. Even if it’s not something you normally would, give it a try. You never know what you might discover.

I was in the 'my friends are coupled up and having babies' phase and they weren't bothering to meet up with me. So I made new friends (through new hobbies) because their permanent unavailability was very frustrating to me. I've always had a personal life beyond relationships, those people don't. I might see them again in 15 years once they're divorced 😅

Whatever the patriarchy/your family & friends have made you believe, not having everything 'sorted' heteronormatively by your mid-30s isn't the be all and end all :)