Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

You can see people in a different light once you move in together.

I’m so sorry. No ideas how to heal a broken heart except to give it time. You’ll go on to meet someone you don’t have cold feet about and it will be a much more fulfilling relationship and you’ll be happier than ever. xxx

I don’t think there’s anything that anyone can say to make this easier for you when you’re in the raw stages of separation.

What I will say though, is that many (most?) posters on MN have had experiences like this and we’re all still here, living to tell the tale.

My ex cheated on me when we were 8 years in. I genuinely thought my life was over, the pain and shock was unbearable. But I’m now married to someone else, we have a young child and I am genuinely so glad that the whole breakup happened now.

It will be ok, maybe not for a while, but definitely in the end.

Better out three months in than three years while he dicks you about making excuses about not starting a family 'yet'!

I've been where you are and yes it's briefly horrible but I've never met a woman who hasn't done better after a break up. I remember my partner dumping me nearly 10 years ago and I thought my life was over. A decade later life is better than ever. You will feel better I promise. Day by day. Get the practical stuff sorted and the emotional stuff will follow.

Everything happens for a reason x

Oh god! Now I look as though I don’t know the difference between new and knew 😢😢

I’ve just said this above! Very judgemental indeed 😡😡

It is quite a different dating a partner ( even if it is for over 3 years) and living with them.

This has to be one of the worst phrases of all time and so incorrect.

You must be reeling, but in the long run you will realise he's done you a favour. Better now than walking out once you're holding a baby and you need his support.

OP I was in your very same position 3 months ago when my partner of 4 years ended things. We had been living together for 6 months with plans to buy our own home next year… I was totally blindsided and completely devastated.

I promise it does get better… it really really does. My advice, go no contact (if you’re able to of course, I understand there may be issues of on an ongoing lease etc), give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself. Lean on the people in your life and allow them to help you. Focus on new activities and potentially a new hobby if you don’t have one already. That’s been my approach and it’s really helped.

Unfortunately it’s not a linear process and it will feel like a bit of a rollercoaster. That’s okay though because after the bad days, good days will follow. You’ll be okay OP… I’m doing okay and I now realise it was for the best.

I'm 34 and a half.

In hindsight I can see it was always me pushing for the relationship to progress. I was very clear with him when we got together what I wanted out of a relationship so he was under no illusions and was on board and said and did all the right things until push came to shove.

I am so unbelievably angry that he has led me on. Of course I am in no position to start dating again yet but I am concerned about how to meet people these days and at this age - dating apps have changed since I last used them.

Looking back now I can see he wasn't right for me so maybe one day I will look back on this as a blessing in disguise but for now I really don't know how to get on with life. My friends are coupled up with babies and so our friendships have changed. My confidence has been knocked - if my ex doesn't want to be with me then why would anyone want to be my friend or date me? How do I move forward?

Thank you everyone for your kindness and reassurance.

You're only 34. Yes, he's a knob and has wasted your time, but you have several more childbearing years so don't catastrophise on that front. Putting pressure on yourself isn't going to help oh find a healthy relationship with a suitable partner.

My grandad in Ireland died 3 weeks ago. 10 days ago ex bf was in Ireland with me at the funeral (flights and accommodation all paid for by my parents) playing the supportive partner. And 10 days later he's dumped me??

I had a baby at 42 so you’ve got time left. You don’t even need a relationship to have a baby nowadays. Look into your options. Sort out a place, look into your options for having a baby and move on. He’s a future faker asshole and you didn’t deserve to be lied to but it’s prob best you’re not tied to this guy.

@TipsyJoker thank you. A total future faker! Did you have ivf? I considered freezing my eggs before but the success rates were so low I don't think it's an option for me

I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s taken your child bearing years if you’re only 34 and have been together since you were over 30. If you’ve only just moved in together it was the first real opportunity to see if you worked as partners living under the same roof, which is a lot different to just dating someone. Just because it didn’t work with him, it doesn’t mean it won’t work with someone else, so don’t get into that negative mindset. He clearly wasn’t right for you. Hopefully you’ll meet someone else who is.

There's only one way, rebuild the relationship with yourself. The energy you've been putting into him can now be redirected to you. You are young and should be enjoying your life and building security for yourself for the future. His rejection shouldn't define you. You've had a lucky escape, you're not trapped in an unsatisfying relationship.

Your friends are busy with babies but they still care about you...You will make new friends, too who aren't knee deep in nappies, to do adult things with, if you make that a goal.

I know you want kids but it's worth taking some time to examine why that is...a personal desire that comes from within or something you think you should be doing at this age because your peers are? There's still ever chance that could happen for you, but if you make it a singular goal you're in danger of settling for the wrong man in a hurry. Maybe this relationship moved a bit fast and you were in fairly deep before you had chance to really assess it, it's worth doing some reflection, not on him or what you meant to him, but your own process of decision making and what you want differently in the future.

In the meantime time, lean on your family and friends (even if they haven't much time they might be willing to offer a shoulder to cry on of an evening). Give yourself a few weeks to grieve this and then make a list of things you want to do with your free time now you don't have a man taking it up. Find forms of self-improvement that will raise your self esteem.

Sympathies - life can be heartbreaking sometimes.

Just to say - at 34.5 you are not too old to go in and have a family. I had DD at 37.5, know tons of people who had their first later than me and have a friend who had her third (no IVF) at 48.

Take the time to heal. There really is time.

He's done the right thing and told you the truth. Better that than trudge on having babies with a man who does not love you or want to be with you, because he didn't have the strength to tell you.

Women doing the same thing here are generally supported, and he has the same rights - nobody should have to stay with anyone they don't have feelings for.

And your comment rather suggests you saw him as a breeding asset and a way to keep up with your friends. I wonder if that could have contributed?

Edited to say you are not past it! Get out there.

You were worried he would get cold feet, so you knew this wasn't the best of relationships. I would say that the trash has just taken itself out.

You're only 34, so time is still on your side, and I hope that you meet a man who truly deserves you. This one didn't x

You’re ok nobody cares 😂

Nope I just had regular old sex and fell pregnant naturally. I did take sea greens to balance my hormones but that was it.

I do think he has done you a favour. From the way you have expressed your regret at the break-up it does sound you were more concerned about no longer being able to start a family rather than no longer being with him.