Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

If he's that insensitive of your feelings you really will be better off without him.

I did want a future with him - we shared similar interests and seemed to rub along well. However I was never priority for him. I asked him why he didn't want to work on us this evening and what he did want and he said he just wanted to play his sport and see his friends and family which says it all really. He said I was controlling because I wanted to spend 2 nights a week together??

He sounds like he wasn't ready or willing to grow up.

Personally I would chalk this one up to a lucky escape.

Op it might not feel like it now but honestly you will meet someone and you have plenty of time left to do so and have children. Maybe focus on hobbies rather than dating apps and meet someone more naturally.

Congratulations, you've just escaped a life with an utter man-child.

This. I had my ds at 45. Honestly OP, you have time.

Concentrate on finding somewhere to live where you can be happy & settled. And stop worrying about what your friends are doing. It's totally irrelevant to your life.

He said I was controlling because I wanted to spend 2 nights a week together??

I'd say you've had a lucky escape OP, if you had a child with this man your post would be about having to do all the childcare and cleaning and that he is out seeing friends and doing his hobby.

So sorry this is happening to you. One of my daughters had a very similar experience and she was absolutely devastated. To the extent where I seriously worried she would harm herself. Fast forward a couple of years she is settled with a lovely man with one child and another on the way and very happy. Hang in there x

Count your blessings.

@Husbands1 yes tonight.

@LivelyMintViper thank you for sharing that with me. I'm glad your daughter is happy now.

I feel so stupid for wasting so much time with this man. I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking about him and how he has strung me along. He said he has been having doubts for a year and then when I asked why he let me move in he said it was only in the last couple of months. I have always asked him to be honest with me and when I asked why he hadn't brought it up earlier he said he wanted to see if things would change organically. How can I change things if I don't know he's unhappy??! Full of bullshit

I married at 40 and had my DD when I was almost 45.
You have bags of time OP so don’t rush into anything.
Make sure you’re over your this one before rushing into anything else.
You’ll meet someone lovely one day and you’ll never look back except to maybe breathe a sigh of relief that you escaped a relationship you weren’t meant to have.
All the best for your future OP.

I doubt he has taken your childbearing years if, as you say, you've been together 3.5 years and were planning to start a family next year. It sounds like there is still time.

You feel awful but better you know now than after you are married or are pregnant. Was there no warning?

He probably did intend to settle down with you but nobody knows what it will be like until they live together. You tried it for three months and it didn't work. It may work with someone else but please don't rush into anything. Give yourself a while to get over this one.

The pain will fade, it is like grief and takes its own time. Do you have an interesting job, hobbies? Stop being so obsessed with having babies, it's not the be-all and end-all. If it is meant to happen, it will.

Just wanted to say that I had my first child at 34 and my second at 39.You still have a good few childbearing years ahead, so you have plenty of time to meet and have children with someone who really loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Enjoy your life, do the things you like, meet people, and it will happen!

I am currently on a fast track social work qualification which finishes in feb so that is keeping me busy. I plan to find some local activities to join tomorrow as now my weekends will be free and I don't want to be lonely. I feel like such a loser, the only single person I know! My self esteem has taken a huge knock, not just from the break up but from the whole relationship - I was always planning fun things for us to do, thinking about us, thinking about him. He only told me he loved me when I asked him to and very rarely complimented me. I don't know how others in my circle find it so easy to find someone to love them and want to be with them.

What really kills me is that he met both my grandparents and they died thinking I had a nice partner who would do right by me. We only had 3 months of living together and I don't understand why he wouldn't want to try to make things work.

I'm staying at my mum's tonight and will be doing so for the foreseeable future. I'm dreading going back to get my stuff. Torn between taking the high road and being petty and taking things like the expensive handwash I bought for the bathroom lol

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry you are hurting so much! from what you have said here though, it’s best in the long run that it has ended. It is cliche but.. it won’t always feel like this 💝

Many years ago now, I came out of an abusive relationship, and although it was obviously right for it to end, I did feel a little bit left behind in life - it was at a time when quite a few people I knew were getting married, it felt like they were all moving on and I’d gone backwards.

Guess what, all of these years later, there are a fair few of them that are divorced - a few who have found love with again with someone new, a few who are on their own, and one friend who is now in a new relationship but currently has a lot of drama from her ex-H over custody issues.

I truly do not think it is easy for anyone, yes there are a couple of people out there who seem to breeze through life but they are in the minority!

I promise I’m not trying to trivialise your feelings but I can assure you that at some point in the future, you’ll be thankful you have had this escape.

I met my ex when I was 34. I never really wanted kids but got pregnant a week before I turned 37. We.bought a house when baby was 4 months. His mask came off.and showed everyone who.he is. I knew I'd made a mistake right away but couldn't do anything immediately.

It's 3 years down the line and this man still refuses to engage in discussions regarding ownership of the house. He has become more and more emotionally abusive, he awesome toddler for about 2 hours a week.

He's showed you who he is, believe him. You've still got time. I'm 40 with the most funny smart child ever. Or like someone else said, do it alone. It would probably not be better in every way.

He has taken my childbearing years.

He did not.
If a woman has second thoughts after some consideration and breaks up with a man was she stringing him along? Thats how relationships go, you try to make it work as long as both people want it . When one doesn't, it's over.

@Notimeforaname when I think about it though I don't think he ever wanted any of this. He was happy enough with us seeing each other only at weekends for years - I had to push for us to meet one evening in the week. Then I had to push to move in together. It was always me considering us and our future - he agreed but I did always wonder if he was reluctant. I do feel that he has strung me along, esp as he acted the ever supportive partner 10 days ago and was talking baby names with me 2 days ago: he told me what I wanted to hear for an easy life

That's possible but you are not inside his head so can't be sure. I think it is likely he wanted it to work out and felt he should try, it just was not to be. Let's face it, you don't really know until you live together. He sounds young for a chap in his thirties, most are ready to settle down by that age.

Whose house do you live in, do you have anywhere to go or does he? You both have to be practical now and cut your losses.

@LBFseBrom he is very immature unfortunately. He's 35 but tied to his parents - has to see them once or twice a week, mum will wash his bedsheets for him (!) and bake him cakes etc and he has the 'banter' of a 14 year old schoolboy. that did always annoy me but I let it slide because there were other good things (I thought) about the relationship - we enjoyed doing similar things, had similar interests etc. my parents think he has some kind of arrested development because he can be so child like and is so dependent on his parents.

We were living in his flat. I have rented out my house so I will have to give notice on that and live at my mum's in the meantime. I'm lucky to have supportive parents. Tomorrow I will get a grip and start to improve my life - find local social groups and build myself up again.

OP he was never the right one - you saw all your friends settled and tried to force the bloke you were seeing into being The One.

It doesn't even sound like you loved him much - just what he represented (your success in settling down).

I'm not trying to hurt you, just being realistic.

So he is happy for whatever reason but has to put that aside and just stay with you regardless? If a woman is unhappy she is told to leave

He did not take your child bearing years there is no need to be dramatic it won't help

@BMW6 I thought I loved him until I realised he'd been stringing me along. We were companionable and I supported him a lot with his anxiety which he has now overcome and is in a much better place. I was hugely patient with him about this for years and wouldn't have done this if I hadn't loved him. I can love and hate him at the same time - those feelings can coexist and right now hate is the stronger of the emotions.

@Edingril he could have told me before that he was unhappy. He could have offered to work at it. I was unhappy in the past and he begged me to give him a chance and I did yet he won't afford the same opportunity to me. Although even if he did I wouldn't take it now I can see how he will never be able to prioritise me over his friends and sport. I've been so blind. My dad in particular always said he wasnt good enough for me and didn't put me first. Why are parents always right?!