Please help me - my partner just dumped me

[kitkat2024]

My partner of 3 1/2 years has just dumped me and I'm in total shock. We moved in together 3 months ago and were planning to start a family together next year. Apparently he doesn't love me anymore. My biggest fear has been that we would move in together and he would get cold feet. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I will meet anyone else. He has taken my childbearing years. All my friends are settled down with children. I am at a loss. Please help me

Someone has pm'd me saying they think he has someone else and I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind. My mum suggested that too

I had my first through IUI at 39 and my second through IVF at 40 but with eggs I froze at 35. Both times it was the first treatment. I never tried to have kids “naturally” as had them by myself. Your childbearing years are definitely not behind you and better not to be stuck with an unreliable partner for having children with.

@Aimtodobetter thank you. I'm so glad you got the family you wanted

There is a very good chance he has met another woman yes. But all the things you've said about him make him sound awful! I know you loved/cared about him but really it does sound like you were settling massively for the sake of a 'future'. He wasn't the man for you to have children with, that is screamingly obvious. You'll be much much better off without him.

@TheSilkWorm but no one's perfect, right? I tried to give him grace because I know I have my faults too. But yes, clearly he was not the one for me

You can't change how someone else feels.
He was honest after a fair time of living together.

It was kind of him to wait until ten days after the funeral. How dreadful if he had not supported you and had broken up with you at that very sad time.

You are free to get over him and go out searching for a better match. Don't waste time mourning him.

Hi OP, it sounds like he wasn’t right for you and you can be a lot happier in the future! You talk about “everyone having faults” and “rubbing along together well”, and barely spending time together, not feeling prioritised, and his childishness - this is all rubbish. You can meet someone you really respect and adore!

I was 33 when I left my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend - we were about to buy a house together and I called it all off. I felt like you! All my friends were having kids and getting married and I was starting again. But I learned a lot in that relationship, and I made a much better choice the next time. And now we have a 7 week old daughter and everything is wonderful. I’m so glad the other relationship ended and you will be too!

This is a weird and harmful attitude to romantic relationships. You shouldn't be giving people grace and overlooking basic ineptitude and incompatibility because nobody is perfect. You need to have standards and boundaries and not accept shoddy treatment in the name of being in any relationship at all! Of course there is a level of tolerance and forgiveness that we all have to accept in a relationship to make it work but only when the underlying structure is sound!

OP at 34 you have more time than you think. This happened in my friendship group at the same age. I think the partners involved were like yours - immature, not wanting to settle down.
One day you will look upon this day as a gift. Imagine if you had stayed with him until 44, and still no babies.
I am child-free by choice. My two closest friends, who went through this at the same age, have four kids between them now. Another, who was left at your age with a young baby in her arms, married someone else - and now has five!
Your time is far too precious to waste on a grown man whose mother still washes his bedsheets.
There are so many threads on here by women who have had kids with a man like yours and their lives are absolutely miserable. They have another child to look after in their partner and when kids come along the man sees it as an excuse to live his own life.
You have your own career, and home, and a loving family.
Time heals. And I can guarantee you will look back one day and say…
Remember that guy I was with in my early 30’s? What an idiot.
And stay single for a while. Put the baby thing out of your mind and try not to think of a first date as a potential interview for a future dad.

OP I just want to say you are probably absolutely lovely in every way and not to blame for ‘failing’ to find a committed man. I know so many wonderful young women in this situation. Too many impossible men with no desire or incentive to settle down until middle age when they’re tired of playing.

Was also going to say that cliches exist for a reason and men tend to leave when there’s a replacement woman available. Nobody can compete with the thrill of the new. He might commit to the latest one if she pushes for this while they’re in the lust and excitement phase. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

It absolutely sucks. I know you want children but it’s horrible to be left holding the baby along with all the other pain.

Why does he sound like a loser?

…then I take it back, after everything you have said about him!

He hasn't "taken" anything, you're being overly dramatic. He's just discovered through living together that that's not what he wants. You have plenty of time to meet someone who does really want to be with you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You will feel better in time I promise. Please try not to panic about your age and years. You have plenty of options. I just had my first baby at 35 and plan on having another in a few years. Focus completely on yourself for now. Be selfish, do the things you've always wanted to do. The right person will come along at the right time. When you're ready to meet someone sporting activities are a great way to do it. I met my husband through martial arts! Focus on self care now, you deserve it x

This. Seriously he’s not father material.

As others have said, you still do have time to have children. You’ve learned something now and should be praising yourself for asking difficult questions and advocating for what you want as now you have the answer that he was never very committed to you.

I feel like this sort of language is harsh and not helpful for someone who is heartbroken, and could make her feel worse.

It's a viewpoint. OP csn take it or leave it. I'm sure she'll.meet someone else in time.

If he did know a year ago, this is the particularly cruel thing. He knew he was sitting pretty in his own home if things didn’t work out whilst making you homeless in the process. Idk why you decided to move in with him rather than him with you. However, I would wonder if him not moving to yours is another sign that he wasn’t terribly committed.

Tbh it sounds like the writing was on the wall in big, big letters but you didn't want to read it. He wasn't worth the effort you put in so it's good he's gone, although I'm sure it doesn't feel that way now.

I was in your boat. If you really want to have children - I think it’s about being proactive and upfront.

1. He wasn’t right. Don’t waste any more time dwelling on him and don’t let his shitty behaviour defeat you. Thank goodness you know now. Don’t let him wheedle his way back in either. See his faults, he would be a nightmare to have as a potential Dad : he would be very hands off and if is expecting his Mum to do all the hard work/chores : then it will be the same for you.
2. I went and had my fertility levels checked. Mine were low - yours may well be fine. This will help you know your time scale.
3. I met DP and I did push DP somewhat. I made it clear what I wanted. We started trying before getting married etc.
4. I had IVF. Looking back, I think egg freezing is a good idea, and it would have reduced a lot of stress.
5. I now have two children, both via IVF.
6. Had I not had children, now having been through menopause - I would tell myself not to stress. A lot of my behaviour was driven by hormones, and childless friends of mine are now accepting of the situation. They’ve met partners who already have families and have the joy of their partners grandkids etc, and the joy of travelling all over the world.

@kitkat2024

Like many others on here, I’ve been in your situation before. Looking back I realise I had relationships with men who didn’t respect me or like me enough and due to my low self worth, I just put up with it. In my mid 30s I found my confidence and I was no longer willing to put up with any crap from men. At 36 I met my amazing husband.

Give yourself a day or so to feel like this then start to look forwards not back. The pain wont go away immediately but you can start taking some control back of how you are feeling. Try to let go of this mindset that he has robbed you of your time/ years. Don’t let him take more of your time by remaining angry. Keep reiterating to yourself that he wasn’t the right person for you and you deserve someone that likes you as much as you like them. Hold your head up high and really concentrate on yourself and improving your self esteem. Make some plans with friends and do some things by yourself too. Then you will be in a better place to meet the right person. Try and take the pressure off yourself about having a child. You have plenty of time.

Do you think you ignored your instincts because you really wanted to settle down with someone OP? Sounds like you should have ended it from the start when he didn’t seem to want to meet up.

I'm sorry this has happened to you but it does sound like he isn't ready or isn't the right person for you so better to know now before any further commitment is made. I left an abusive relationship aged 35 thinking that I might never have my own family but I met DH quite quickly and years later I'm in a much healthier relationship with a lovely family. Hopefully the same will be true for you

I recognise your username (am partial to a kitkat)

About a month ago you were posting because you had concerns your bf was cheating on you with the girlfriend of his recently deceased friend.

Do you think his head has been turned?

Either way, you absolutely aren’t too old to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start over. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch anyway.

Take the expensive hand wash! Take everything you paid for… even if it’s the tea, coffee and sugar. Good riddance to him.