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Original poster

Is this grabby and unreasonable or am I being precious?

157 replies

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 04/12/2024 21:24

Old friend who I see fairly regularly and love in the way you love old friends, but has a history of being a bit of a diva.

She's messaged me today about her birthday party which is in February next year and said she's doing a dinner at home and I need to give her £20 towards the food and she can't invite my partner yet because she "needs to prioritise other people".

It's not a milestone birthday, it's a low-key event with some friends and she gets on well with my partner, so there's no backstory there.

I have no problem going out without my partner, we are very independent and have our own social lives. And I wouldn't mind chipping in for dinner in principle though I think its a bit off to ask each guest for £20 when you're eating at home.

But there's something about the way she's phrased this and gone about it which has made me think I can't really be arsed. But not sure if I'm being over-sensitive.

OP posts:
Ph3 · 04/12/2024 21:30

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 04/12/2024 21:24

Old friend who I see fairly regularly and love in the way you love old friends, but has a history of being a bit of a diva.

She's messaged me today about her birthday party which is in February next year and said she's doing a dinner at home and I need to give her £20 towards the food and she can't invite my partner yet because she "needs to prioritise other people".

It's not a milestone birthday, it's a low-key event with some friends and she gets on well with my partner, so there's no backstory there.

I have no problem going out without my partner, we are very independent and have our own social lives. And I wouldn't mind chipping in for dinner in principle though I think its a bit off to ask each guest for £20 when you're eating at home.

But there's something about the way she's phrased this and gone about it which has made me think I can't really be arsed. But not sure if I'm being over-sensitive.

To be honest I get you. I’m not sure if this is a generational thing or what but I always thought if it’s my birthday and I’m inviting people around I’m providing the food and don’t expect my guests to bring anything. Sure they might bring a desert or a bottle of wine if they want but that’s it. If I can’t afford it I don’t host or only host the amount of people I can afford.

Octavia64 · 04/12/2024 21:31

That'd be a nope from me.

DaringLion · 04/12/2024 21:31

That’s a pisstake asking everyone to contribute £20 for a meal at home I think I’d decline

DoYouAlwaysHaveToSayThat · 04/12/2024 21:33

I think that's a cheek. It's not for 2 months and she's asking for £20 as well. I wouldn't go. When I invite people for dinner (and pudding), they bring their own drinks if they want to. I offer soft drinks, tea/coffee though.

SnoopySantaPaws · 04/12/2024 21:35

Yeah no. Thats just bloody rude!!

Onlyvisiting · 04/12/2024 21:36

Bollocks to that!

Hosting a pot luck type thing, yes I'm fine with bring a plate (needs to be a good number of people though) but host needs to be providing SOMETHING. Like bring a plate and provide the drinks, or vice vresa, host a dinner but say please bring a bottle.
Asking for cash is outrageous.

Screamingabdabz · 04/12/2024 21:36

Nope. She wants to host - and cherry pick desirables - she pays for it. How are these CFs not embarrassed by their own brazen grabbiness?

Icanttakethisanymore · 04/12/2024 21:36

Hmmm - as you say, it’s probably in the phrasing. If she’d said “I was thinking for my birthday I could cook something really special like X, Y and Z. What do you think? It’ll get a bit expensive though, for 8 people. Which you mind contributing?” I think this would probably sound ok. What you’ve described sounds presumptuous.

TwistedWonder · 04/12/2024 21:42

YANBU - she’s being ridiculous. If you want people to celebrate your birthday then you either invite them over and you cater (everyone will bring drink, cakes, snacks, chocolates anyway) or you go out and turn people may fit their own food. She can’t have it both ways

TheShellBeach · 04/12/2024 21:44

@Ph3 there was no need to quote the whole OP.
Yours was literally the first answer.

MarmaladeSideDown · 04/12/2024 21:47

I'd be tempted to reply saying thanks for the invitation, but you have plans that day, and you need to prioritise other people.

Ph3 · 04/12/2024 21:50

TheShellBeach · 04/12/2024 21:44

@Ph3 there was no need to quote the whole OP.
Yours was literally the first answer.

There was no need to make a comment either. But here we are

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2024 21:51

What? I cannot imagine a friend doing this that's over 25. Sure when we were all starting out we might ask for a dish or booze but to pay to eat? Bizarre.

Wendolino · 04/12/2024 21:53

This happened to me not long ago. I was invited for afternoon tea at a friend's house to celebrate her birthday and she charged us for the food. There was quite a bit of food left when we finished and she said she was glad because she could give it to her sons and husband for their packed lunches! So not only did I pay for my own food, I also contributed to her family's food! Next year it'll be Sorry, I'm busy

Waterboatlass · 04/12/2024 21:54

This isn't a nice way to phrase it. She's prioritising other people? I'd be tempted to sit this one out, politely. No fuss, no discussion, still friends, just be busy that night.

As for asking for cash, she's done it in quite a vulgar way. Why is is worse than bringing drinks or pudding to the same value? Not entirely sure without mulling it over but I wouldnt love being asked in this manner. Suppose it's financing a night she doesn't want to pay for without any credit for your contribution. Bit unedifying

lightsandtunnels · 04/12/2024 21:59

Jeez that's ridiculous to charge friends £20 each. Has she got a celeb chef coming in the feed everyone? If you are hosting a party, you pay for it. People take drinks with them don't they? Or am I still living in the 1980s?

yehisaidit · 04/12/2024 22:03

"But there's something about the way she's phrased this and gone about it which has made me think I can't really be arsed. But not sure if I'm being over-sensitive."

Can you explain? @Thelaughingtonepoliceman

TwoTuesday · 04/12/2024 22:09

I wouldn't pay to eat £20 at a friend's house, that's a lot of money, especially when you'll probably be bringing wine and a present too. Unless she's providing champagne and it's in lieu of a present? It would still be rude.

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:15

DoYouAlwaysHaveToSayThat · 04/12/2024 21:33

I think that's a cheek. It's not for 2 months and she's asking for £20 as well. I wouldn't go. When I invite people for dinner (and pudding), they bring their own drinks if they want to. I offer soft drinks, tea/coffee though.

Asking people to bring their own drink is no different to asking them to bring £20.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 04/12/2024 22:16

'Thanks for the invite, already have plans, hope you have a great time!'

CF expecting her guests to pay for a party she's hosting herself.

Iwilladmit · 04/12/2024 22:18

Ph3 · 04/12/2024 21:50

There was no need to make a comment either. But here we are

Show quote history

@TheShellBeach was making a valid point. It’s really annoying when people quote the OP.

LynetteScavo · 04/12/2024 22:18

I agree, it's very annoying when people quote the OP, especially a first st reply!

WingBingo · 04/12/2024 22:21

I also agree. We can clearly see what you are replying to

NantesElephant · 04/12/2024 22:25

I would ask what she has in mind for £20 per head. Maybe it’s a lobster and wagyu steak feast. Which would be fine if you like that kind of thing.

If she doesn’t know, or names something less spendy, just laugh and say it’s not your kind of thing, but you’re happy to meet her for a drink to celebrate on a different day, or some other activity you enjoy together.

LynetteScavo · 04/12/2024 22:26

It's just rude to say she needs to prioritise other people. She needs to invite her preferred guests first, and then if they can't make it invite your DH.

It's also not very polite to ask for money to attend a hosted event, unless it's for charity.

I guess if you can suck up the rudeness because you really like your friend and think you'll have a great time, then go. Are you also expected to take a birthday gift? I would feel like it.