Is this grabby and unreasonable or am I being precious?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Old friend who I see fairly regularly and love in the way you love old friends, but has a history of being a bit of a diva.

She's messaged me today about her birthday party which is in February next year and said she's doing a dinner at home and I need to give her £20 towards the food and she can't invite my partner yet because she "needs to prioritise other people".

It's not a milestone birthday, it's a low-key event with some friends and she gets on well with my partner, so there's no backstory there.

I have no problem going out without my partner, we are very independent and have our own social lives. And I wouldn't mind chipping in for dinner in principle though I think its a bit off to ask each guest for £20 when you're eating at home.

But there's something about the way she's phrased this and gone about it which has made me think I can't really be arsed. But not sure if I'm being over-sensitive.

*wouldn't

You guys are all so technically minded. Well done!! Let’s get all sidetracked by the quote problem instead of the actual thread! 🙄

It’s standard etiquete to brIng a bottle or a small gift like flowers or chocolate to a party / dinner party. And unless you like fine wine or are especially generous, a bottle does not usually cost £20!

Tell her you on a faddy diet so will bring your own plate of snacks....

It doesn't sound like much of an invitation, more like a summons! I would pass on it.

Charging people to come to supper?! Absolutely not! By all means host a pot luck and ask friends to bring a dish. At a push if you have all got together and planned a book club meeting or event at someone’s house you might presagree to chip in for food.

for a birthday party? That you’re inviting people too though? I think that’s super crass. I hate it! Invite everyone for a cheap pizza somewhere and they can pick their own, or organise a get together in a pub so people can byo drinks.

… And the part about prioritising other people - this sounds like an event designed to cater entirely to her ego and totally absent of any consideration for the enjoyment of her (paying!) guests. I would find myself ‘unavoidably busy and hope to celebrate with her another time’

"She's messaged me today about her birthday party which is in February next year and said she's doing a dinner at home and I need to give her £20 towards the food and she can't invite my partner yet because she "needs to prioritise other people"."
Her birthday is two months away. She doesn't want £20 to fund that, she wants you all to fund her Christmas spending.

I'd be telling her to take a hike.

I never take part in these sort of arrangements.

It's a bit presumptuous, but for an old friend with otherwise good form, I'd let it go as it's not worth falling out over. Probably you'll have a good time for your £20, over wasting all that emotional energy over being offended and not going.

If it became a regular occurrence, I'd ask her if there was something going on with her, honestly but not unkindly.

I am usually not aligned with MN when it comes to hosting - I would quite happily ask someone to bring a starter or provide some booze for example ; and I would not expect to pay for everyone if we all went out for a meal at my instigation

I'd never ask for cash towards a home cooked meal though - and that amount for one person seems rather steep

Not inviting the partner is fine - she may be making the do an "original" group of friends only; no partners, and space may be tight if at home.

But asking for £20 is very off - when i have friends for dinner I pay for all the food and have plenty of alcohol, my pals will generally bring a bottle of their preferred choice too.

I wouldn't offer to host if I couldn't afford the food. If cooking it myself it's not going to be £20 a head for ingredients, even if everyone is eating steaks.

I'd be busy. How uncouth.

So if she did invite your partner - would that be another £20 you have to pay?

How many people are invited? She could make a tidy profit on this.

Perhaps say no and go out instead ?

Oh god, this is so normal and logical. Please don't say its going to become antiquated in favour of the kind of bollocks the OP's friend is proposing. Otherwise I'm going to have to go and live back in the 90s, there's no other option!

Ask to see the menu and wine list…

It’s so bloody cheeky. I really don’t know what to reply. I’d feign innocence I think and send this…

Huh? You’re having a dinner party for your birthday but guests have to pay to attend?? Is that a thing?? Um sure, shall I transfer the money now or do we give you a couple of tenners on the door? Ha Ha! Not sure if this a joke or not!?

Yes I think this is really rude! I hope at least that she’s a really good cook!

For me, hosting is about planning something within your means and being generous about it. Hopefully guests in turn are polite enough to turn up with something to contribute like a bottle or some chocolates etc.

I follow a woman online who hosts these incredible dinner parties for her friends, she does multiple courses and canapés and decorates her dining room and the table beautifully. She designs and illustrates the menus and posts them out to guests in advance. Her friends contribute towards the costs which they all seem happy to do. Sadly your situation doesn’t sound anything like that!

It is good form to bring a gift for the host. It’s not good form to ask the host to open the bottle you’ve brought. It’s definitely not good form to ask guests to supply their own alcohol.

Option 1: don't reply
Option 2: tell her you are prioritising yourself & can't make it.

I wouldn't dream of bothering.

That's extremely cheeky of her! I bet you'll get closer to the time and find that she isn't providing drinks either. I suspect she is short of cash now, so using this to get money in for Christmas... then it will get to her birthday and she won't have much money then, so will make it as cheap as possible or hope you've all forgotten you've already paid towards the meal, and she'll try to make other plans.

My sister's birthday is in Feb and this sounds like the sort of thing she would do... her name doesn't start with a T does it?

In terms of what to do, could you reply something like "ha ha ha - you nearly had me going there! We'll sort your birthday plans in the new year as too much going on right now, plenty of time to sort something out". Or if you don't want to address the money side, just say things are tight this side of Christmas, so can you talk to her in January to see what she wants to do and you can review finances then. Of course you completely understand if she needs to firm up numbers and get the money in now, in which you'll have to decline on this occasion.

Good luck! It's definitely not you though, there's something really off about it all.

🤣🤣. I know right?

If she's wanting the money now then this is nothing to do with her birthday and everything to do with Christmas.

She's not going to be spending on birthday food (if she's even genuinely planning on that) until a week before.

Decline. We can see straight through her.

It's rude and presumptuous. I'd be busy.

I’d be telling her that her birthday is not on your radar right before Christmas thank you very much… (bet she’s financing her Christmas shopping)