Is this grabby and unreasonable or am I being precious?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Old friend who I see fairly regularly and love in the way you love old friends, but has a history of being a bit of a diva.

She's messaged me today about her birthday party which is in February next year and said she's doing a dinner at home and I need to give her £20 towards the food and she can't invite my partner yet because she "needs to prioritise other people".

It's not a milestone birthday, it's a low-key event with some friends and she gets on well with my partner, so there's no backstory there.

I have no problem going out without my partner, we are very independent and have our own social lives. And I wouldn't mind chipping in for dinner in principle though I think its a bit off to ask each guest for £20 when you're eating at home.

But there's something about the way she's phrased this and gone about it which has made me think I can't really be arsed. But not sure if I'm being over-sensitive.

@Lighteningstrikes sorry not your comment. I meant the comment about prioritising others over DP.

Is she the type to ent to showboat for Instagram etc? Etc she's going to spend money on dressing the place up and decor etc, maybe hiring a musician?
Is your dp a minger? Will his mug ruin the aesthetic?

If she's going all out and it will be a really memorable night then £20 is a bargain, but it's still really odd to invite people and expect £££ from them...maybe she needs to look up hospitality in the dictionary....

Going against the grain, I’d have no problem accepting the invitation, saying I’ll save the date and will bring my £20 contribution on the night towards dinner/takeaway.

Thank you for that. I really appreciate it.

No, she's being awful. Of you host in your own home it's expected for guests to bring something... wine chocolates etc or close friends ask if they can bring a dish..... but cash for them to cook?
Unless her food is spectacular that's be a no from me

When does she want the money op?

Anyway, its crass and would be a no from me...

She has always been a bit entitled but when we were younger I found her good fun and interesting so I was prepared to cut her more slack.

The older I get the less I care about people’s social status anyway but at any age I would have found it crass to exclude someone’s partner from a social event like that without a reason.

@unclemtty

No it’s not really about showing off for Insta. She’s not overly fussed about that. It’s more that she wants to hang out with literary / media / creative types and is a bit bored by people who do “normal” jobs.

She herself has quite a normal job now after her former “creative” job dried up due to the economy.

My DP is actually quite handsome (maybe I would say that but he’s definitely not ugly) so it’s not that it’s an intellectual snob things.

I would assume she’s telling you two months in advance as she meant in lieu of a present so you don’t go out and buy anything. I wouldn’t have a problem with that and would take a card and put the £20 in it.

@Florence19791 @SleepPrettyDarling It isn’t the money that has particularly pissed me off it’s the fact that she has implied my partner isn’t important enough to be invited although it clearly isn’t a tiny gathering. I think it’s incredibly bad manners.

I also think the money is slightly crass if I am honest. Unless you are a penniless student or you are going through a horrendous divorce or something you just cut your cloth according to your means rather than pass the cost to your social circle. If you can’t afford it, go without. But that’s not the worst aspect of this for me.

It feels like she’s asking her friends to subsidize her social climbing at the expense of their own nearest and dearest. It’s tacky and insensitive.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman god help her if she has a plumbing emergency in the middle of her party and your partner who has not been invited, just happens to be a plumber!! that would be real karma!! 😂

You don’t need to convince me. I think it’s equally indecorous ask guests to pay for dinner at my house or bring their own booze.

Sorry, can't make it. Have a lovely time you greedy mare.

She's sounding even more twattish to be honest, can't you just rebuff the invite & go out with your handsome bloke instead?

@unclemtty

She's sounding even more twattish to be honest, can't you just rebuff the invite & go out with your handsome bloke instead?

yep that's basically what I am going to do. Just wishing I'd had the nuts to front up to her when she sent me the rude message in the first place: she's now chasing me for a response. I might have to spring a stomach virus after NYE.

Well he's not a plumber but my OH has a very practical but not very sexy job of the sort which makes people sought after. I really couldn't give a shit what people do for a living as long as they are solvent enough to not leech off other people and it gives them reasonable job satisfaction.

But because he's not an author / filmmaker / academic / actor he's apparently not quite up to scratch. I've had years of this from her: people being labelled as "dull" because they're not "creatives" and very naked social climbing to get close to people with "interesting" jobs.

Most if not all of the people I know who are professional "creatives" are largely subsidised by the Bank of Mum and Dad or by a spouse anyway. All power to people who can do this and not judging them but by the same token you can't judge people as "dull" if they do ordinary, necessary and honest jobs.

@WhiskerPatrol

Why are you even friends with this awful person? The combination of appalling snobbery with having so little class as to invite people over and ask them to pay for themselves is mindblowing.

Fair question. You know how it is sometimes with very longstanding friends... you've known them for so long you stop questioning whether you actually like them or not.

This has been a bit of a penny drop moment for me. I'm not sure it's worth the grief any more.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman plumbers are the most sought after people if you can find them!! dearth of them where I live!

She's taking the piss and I'd have a prior engagement even if it's only with the TV and a cup of hot chocolate.

I’m taken aback that she’s asking for money for her birthday meal. I mean, I’d take numerous bottles of wine, good chocolates. I wouldn’t pay to attend, because I’d reciprocate for my birthday.

Check your diary (pencilling something else in- watching Netflix/going to the cinema etc ) Sorry you will not be able to make it that day!

just say sorry you’ve got plans to go out with your partner. I would never ask for money if inviting people over. Why doesn’t she just book a restaurant and everyone pays for themselves as normal. I wouldn’t go

I would decline the invite and say you've had another priority come up on that day with your husband. She is very grabby, perhaps sees it as an opportunity to make a few quid profit, I can't see what meal cooked at home costs £20 each, people often bring their own wine or even asking people to bring a bottle would be ok.

That would be a nope from me. You are not her funder. It should be friendship first on her part not " money first".

Yeah, totally get you. My friend asked for a contribution to her husband’s 40th on a group chat she’d made of about 80 people. She’d requested ‘at least £10’ off everyone to go towards the gift she had in mind. Now, I’d have been happy to only spend a tenner on his 40th but because she had demanded it in such a way I didn’t contribute at all. I ended up buying a separate, more expensive gift out of principle. Some people!