Is this grabby and unreasonable or am I being precious?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Old friend who I see fairly regularly and love in the way you love old friends, but has a history of being a bit of a diva.

She's messaged me today about her birthday party which is in February next year and said she's doing a dinner at home and I need to give her £20 towards the food and she can't invite my partner yet because she "needs to prioritise other people".

It's not a milestone birthday, it's a low-key event with some friends and she gets on well with my partner, so there's no backstory there.

I have no problem going out without my partner, we are very independent and have our own social lives. And I wouldn't mind chipping in for dinner in principle though I think its a bit off to ask each guest for £20 when you're eating at home.

But there's something about the way she's phrased this and gone about it which has made me think I can't really be arsed. But not sure if I'm being over-sensitive.

I wouldn't go, that would get my back up too

Id tell her you have plan and to have a lovely evening

No, just no.
I would expect to host, and would expect provide some drinks on top, I would actually only my expect my guests to bring drinks if they had a particular preference for something that wasn't mainstream, in a bring your fave tipple sort of way. I would not go personally, but each to their own.

I think this is it. There's something very bossy and entitled about the tone.

The £20 is cheeky but borderline and I would probably suck it up otherwise. What's really pissed me off is the way she has obviously decided that my DP is "not quite People Like US enough to make the first cut".

She always goes on about "curating" parties and only inviting people who are "interesting" (what that means basically they have impressive jobs). I can only assume she has decided he isn't "interesting" enough to pass first base and he might make the reserve list if someone more important drops out.

I could understand if numbers were really limited but she's having it in her home and asking for money so accommodating one extra bloke (who she professes to ike) is not going to be a dealbreaker.

So basically she's excluding my DP on snob / status grounds and expecting me to pay for the privilege of attending.

@yehisaidit

The thing that's particularly rubbed me up the wrong way is not so much the money (although I do think it's a bit cheeky). It's the impression she gives that my DP is not important enough to make the first cut but that I should still be prepared to pay for the privilege of attending while keeping him on the standby list.

If she was tight on numbers and said "sorry, no partners" I would understand but this feels like she is cherry-picking the people who she thinks are impressive / good for her career / good dinner party conversationalists and giving them first dibs.

It's her right to do this obviously, it's her birthday, but I don't have to go and I certainly don't have to pay for the privilege.

When meeting up with friends I ask them to BYOB and vice versa. We have way too many tastes and tolerances! We do, however, always have something extra and provide food. No need for gifts here.

Anything is ok as long as the group is ok with it really. But even my group would not charge money.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman agreed! Don't go. Don't give her the satisfaction. Take your DP out for a fab dinner instead!

Errrr no way?!! I’ve got the day off today and I’m spending it cooking in preparation for a dinner party we are having tomorrow. There is absolutely no way I would dream of asking people for money!!! Or telling them that their partners were not “a priority”. Who even says that? It’s beyond rude. Say no!!

I’d feel the same about my boyfriend not being invited. I really dislike snobbery and in my experience snobbish people are always lacking in some way, even by the standards they think are important. She only invites interesting people but is she hugely interesting herself? She certainly has no class if she’s asking for people to pay towards a meal at her house.

Eight people x £20 so £160. How much of that is for food or alcohol? But to me that’s irrelevant really. I think people should host as they can afford. If you can’t afford dinner provide snacks.

I’d be tempted to send her a link to Go Fund Me and say I hope people will kind and generous at this difficult time she is having. But then as you may have guessed, people like that tick me off to the extent I don’t want to be around them. But then again I’m not fascinating so I wouldn’t have been invited anyway 😬

This for sure.

After your update, not a chance.
"Thanks, but we have plans. Enjoy"

I wouldn't be interested in spending time with someone so crass as to ask for money. Utterly classless.

As for how you no doubt accurately interpreted her view of your partner, no way would I be around her.
Loyalty to my partner would mean I couldn't tolerate that.

"Thanks, but we have plans. Enjoy"
Is perfect

Sorry, I won’t be able to make it, I need to prioritise my partner.

Good Lord! I'd never ask for a financial contribution to inviting friends for dinner. The only exception has been when I've hosted Christmas and people will ask what they can bring. Last year one friend made an epic cauliflower cheese and another bought an alternative dessert as they don't like Xmas pudding. All rocked up with wine/nibbles. I would do exactly the same if I were invited but I'd be pissed if somebody asked me to pay!

Like this! Master class in stylish passive aggression

I'd be telling the old Madam that I'm pickling beetroot or rearranging my sock drawer that evening.

If everybody quoted the entire OP, just imagine how long it would make the thread - especially if it was a particularly long OP.

There's NO NEED because all posters are replying to the same thing.

We might do a fuddle for a birthday and it’s agreed that everyone brings something. If you invite people for a meal at your house though, you pay.

Unless your friend is an out of work Michelin started chef.. ?

I would say oh what a shame he's not invited, he's just had a huge book deal and he was dying to talk to people about it. Never mind, I'll take him out myself to celebrate so we won't be able to attend. Thanks anyway! Then set a timer to see how long it is before he is invited! Of course you shouldn't go.

Ugh no it's horrible. I wouldn't go.

The first time a friend told me that they were "curating" a party great big flashing klaxons would be going off in my mind. And I would decline the invitation. Too smug and pleased with herself by half...

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman going to be a lonely party for one then, isnt it?? 😂

And that’s great for you - who obviously 🙄 has the internet down. But you don’t know me or anyone on here for that matter. So you don’t know what my skills set are - so instead of carrying on just focus on something else. So quick to judge and offer unsolicited advice tut tut tut

She just sounds like one of those massively entitled, overly blunt people who doesn't understand when she's being rude.

Yes, it's rude to invite someone to your house and ask them for £20 and to say you can't bring your partner because she's got other priorities on her list, and if I were in your situation I would laugh and say no thanks.

Hell no! If you can’t afford to host your own birthday dinner at home, don’t host, simple. Asking for a cash donation up front is definitely grabby and entitled. As for your partner not making the cut, that’s downright rude. I’d say something like ‘Sorry, no can do’ and if she asks why, say ‘I need to prioritise washing my hair that day!’