I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

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My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow.

However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this..

I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.

I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

Listen to your instincts that you are not ready for this. If he is there 6 nights a week already, then he is not doing any cleaning and tidying in his own place, so can certainly do his share at yours. Unless that changes I would not allow him to move in.

And you certainly need to draw up a legal agreement before he does too.

Honestly, if you waited five years he still wouldn't put his clothes in the washing machine or wash up the dishes.

There's no point hanging on to a guy like this.

Has he given up a tenancy to move in with you?

Unless that changes I would not allow him to move in.

I disagree - this is who he is. He might make a half-hearted effort to appease you but the minute you relax, he'll be back to normal.

Sorry, when I said has he given up his rental, I meant has he agreed to move out? Is there a chance of extending the lease?

Does he contribute now considering he is there 6 nights a week ?
I think if not not doing his washing is the least of your worries

I moved in with my now exh around the same sort of time. All I'll say is don't do it. It's too soon!

If he’s the right person for you he’ll understand your hesitations and will accept your decision.

If he kicks off and throws around ultimatums then you get an early insight as to the real him.

No he doesn't contribute now, he may buy the odd dinner or thing for the house milk etc. But then I've never asked him to contribute, so it would feel a bit harsh to blame him for this, I've never even made that boundary

No he is still in the rental about to give his notice

Don’t do it.

He is meant to be on his best behaviour and showing his best self now - if that's a lazy ase who likes to be waited on that's who he is.

Your Spidey senses are tingling for a good reason, I'd tell him you aren't ready and to sort out his lease - and also I'd put some boundaries on how he is taking advantage of your electricity, gas and food 6 nights a week - he's got a great setup. If he doesnt respect your boundaries then he isn't the right person for you.

When he lives there he'll do his fair share? What sort of logic is that? Why not do his fair share now?

Try asking him to put up a shelf or picture and see how he goes about it. Willingly or sulkily? Quickly or after a lot of reminding? Slapdash or careful?

I hope you are not doing his washing for him. Casually ask him to stick a dark wash on, as you need your jeans and leggings for the weekend. See what happens.

Try shopping for a few days when he knows he'll be around. Does he offer to pay? How often does he offer to cook and buy all the ingredients?

Unless he is behaving like an adult about these things already, don't expect change once he lives with you.

Hes living you for 6 nights a week and contributes nothing and you think it is harsh to complain as you haven't asked him to ?? You shouldn't need to ask, he knows how much food, heating, gas , water , electricity costs
Major cocklodger alert

Honestly I think you would be insane to let him move in although he essentially has , you may get some money at least if you make it official but I wouldn't bet on it.

Totally not unreasonable for you to say you’re not ready. It does seem quite soon.

i think his reaction to you saying that will tell you a lot.

of course he might be upset and disappointed but if he tries to persuade you, pressure you or gets angry then 🚩

You shouldn't need to ask him to contribute tho when he stays 6 nights a week. He should be already contributing without you having to ask. This doesn't bode well for the future. I visit a relative occasionally and stay 2 to 3 nights and I always buy all the food, alcohol and cook, it's only fair and respectful.

What, you do all his washing?! Why?

He is at yours six nights a week and he is not buying any food? So he watches you go shopping and pay for everything and all he does is buy some milk from time to time?

Does he acknowledge all this? Does he offer to do things?

I think you have the measure of him and you are right to not let him live with you.

i

Perhaps suggest that he delays handing in his notice. He may turn out to be the right one as time goes by, but 8 months is too soon, especially given that you already have doubts.

He sounds worse with the update. He is happy to see you be out of pocket and doing his chores for him. Don;t move him in ever.

What sort of adult doesn’t think of making a contribution when they are virtually living with someone? Frankly, I would be ashamed of behaving like this.

Dont let him move in, OP. It may be the end of your relationship, but if that relationship involves you housing, feeding and maid servicing him, I don’t think that’s much of a loss.

I hope you find someone who values you as an equal partner.

OP he kind of DOES live there though and he's not pulling his weight. Actions (or lack of them) speak louder than words and all that. Listen to that voice, and tell him you want to delay, before he gives in his notice and you feel obligated.
His reaction will tell you quite a lot.

You basically have a cocklodger. 8 months in is far too soon to let a new boyfriend move in with you. I'm surprised you don't have doubts about the relationship. Why would you think him not contributing, cleaning or doing his washing is any kind of a plus. That won't change if you let him move in. He'll continue as he is and treat you like a servant. Much easier to tell him jog on than try get him out of your house when you realise he's using you for lodgings because his lease was up.

Pare his overnights down to 2 per week.
Give him a list of shopping to get each night he stays, ingredients for dinner those nights, alcohol for those nights etc
Pop his dirty washing in a bag and give it to him to bring home.
Tell him you've decided you don't want anyone else living in the house for the foreseeable.

See how long he sticks around.

Protect your property OP, don't rush into having anyone live there with you.

Does he even offer? Who cooks? Who cleans up the kitchen after? Who puts the bins out and makes the bed, hoovers etc etc?

Oh blimey, don't do it.

Your gut instinct on this is completely spot on, and the sooner you tell him the better. The last thing you want is for him to present you with a fait accompli by terminating his lease and then telling you that you're making him homeless.

If he isn't doing anything much in the way of chores or contributing to costs now, he's hardly likely to change once he's got his foot in the door and his slippers under the bed.

Discuss all financial obligations and come to an agreement before he moves it.

Having said that, it is absolutely your prerogative to change your mind.

So he showers, eats etc 6 days/nights a week at your place but contributes nothing? He saving a fortune, he only has to heat his place once a week, i presume his washing is done at yours also so he saves on electricity costs, household expenses, food etc. By moving him he's going to further his saving by not paying rent, get rid of him ASAP. Don't wait until February, do it before he gives notice to his landlord because he'll be guilt tripping you (he'll do that anyway but it'll be worse it he's given notice). Well done for recognising his sport comings in time, you'll be fine (better off) without him.