I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

[Throwaway368]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow.

However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this..

I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.

I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

Well done OP. That must have been difficult for you but you did it.
You exposed him for the user/cocklodger he is.
You have saved yourself months/years of misery because you would never have got rid of him once he had his feet under the table.
He’s obviously got debts and seen you as his ticket to freedom from those.
What a selfish using little no mark he is.

if you are both high earners, how is he living in a one room house share and needs his deposit back to pay for Christmas.. Especially when you've been paying all the bills and generally financing his 6 day a week stayovers. That's a major subsidy, yet he's "wracked up credit card debt." What has he been buying that will be so impossible for him to pay back easily from his high salary.
He chose what he wanted to spend . He cannot blame you for that, yet he does.

This!

Oh so he couldn’t wash up because he doesn’t know the ‘routine’ for the chores? I’ve heard it all.

Not the least surprised by this.

Loser user's target women that are soft, giving and have poor boundaries.

He is absolute scum who has an agenda to use you and your home.

He now has displayed the type of manipulative controlling abusive behaviour that scum like him always use.

Look up DARVO.
He is using the DARVO method to answer you.
Deny...i didn't do anything
Attack ....its all your fault
Reverse ....confuse you by saying its me whose the ...
...Victim ... poor me i was depending on you
Offender...saying you have wronged ME

Standard tactic by abusive men to confuse women when they are challenged on their behaviour.

You had the cop on to post this thread.
You were advised clearly that it was madness to move in a user who is mean and using you after 8 months.

He has actually confirmed he is in debt, and using YOU to get out of it.

Is this really all you want for yourself?
A user who will use you and your home?

Of course he will say I was going to do something special for Christmas 🙄.
He was in his arse.
He's just desperate to get his feet in the door.

HHe's debt ridden grifter and you are his mark.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
You let him in and when you try to get him out he'll probably say he wants paying to leave, or he'll make things difficult.

Meanness goes to the core of a person.
There is no bottom to how low they will stoop to screw someone over.

Ah there you have it. He was expecting you to bankroll him. Counting on it already! And now you've pulled the rug out from under him he's lashing out. He's hoping to guilt you into it by saying you'd promised him blah blah blah. Hold strong.

You HAVE changed your mind. Well done OP.

You are a super convenient convenience for him. His lease is up, you have a washing machine, a bed ...

He should have been on his best behaviour while asking to come into your home. Not suggesting it might get better once you'd admitted him.

Keep your eyes open. This one's a dud.

You've frustrated his plans and not played along, and he'll be angry. Please be careful.

High earner my arse.
He pays for a room in a house and lives off his soft girlfriend and yet has so much debt he's desperate for a rental deposit.

Grifter loser liar.

Liar.
You don't have a clue who this guy really is.

Once in your house you would probably need the courts to get him out.
Waster.

So where's the 'high earner's' money?

Lives like a student, renting a grotty room with landlord in residence.

Has credit card debt, claiming he was counting on the deposit to pay that off.

How was he intending to contribute to household bills?

It's gambling, isn't it.

Highly predictable response full of frankly silly excuses for why he hasn’t been bothered to contribute until now, along with a splash of gaslighting.

Plus, the revelation that he’s in debt (not actually caused, I guarantee you, by Christmas overspending) and was planning to arrive either with debts hanging over him or nothing in the bank instead of a chunk of cash from his rental deposit.

A man with a room in a shared house and a high-earning job who’s been living on your dollar for months should be flush right now.

The money situation is alarming and so is the fact that he’s apparently too stupid to remember where your plates live, figure out how your washer works or see when there are crumbs on the floor or items on the bench that need cleaning up.

The good thing about him casting all the blame on you instead of making a half-arsed attempt to placate you in order to get his foot in the door, is that you can just take all the blame (which is meaningless) and use it as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

”I guess you’re right, and you did misjudge me, as it’s obvious our expectations for contributions in a relationship and money management are miles apart. Now that you’ve mentioned ending it, you’re right, I realise that is what I want. Sorry that you spend up a bit on Christmas but I’m sure you’ll be able to get your money back or sell things off to recover it. All the best.”

Well done on listening to your doubts. They say that you don't know a man until you see how he reacts when you tell him "no". This one doesn't seem to respect you, and definitely doesn't deserve you.

Have you heard about the shark cage metaphor, where men test women's boundaries to target women they can manipulate?

Please read the pdf in this article
https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

You can stop the relationship at any time, for any reason. Look after yourself.

Haven't really got much to add after your update that everyone else hasn't said, but LUCKY ESCAPE OP!

You're not sure, so take your time. It's quite reasonable to say you think things are moving too fast and you'd like him to find another six month rental before thinking of moving in.
It's also reasonable to say that you'd like to be sure before committing that the two of you are compatible in terms of every day things such how clean the house is kept and how meals are chosen and prepared, and in terms of sharing the chores.
Once you have these things sorted, moving in together will go more smoothly.

You are reasonable.

The CC debt has nothing to do with you. Overspending on the grounds ‘he have to spend less living with you + getting back deposit’ was a shit move anyway.

He has, at least , being honest as to why he wanted to move in with you - less cost. I’m actually not sure WHY he thought it would be less than renting a bedroom tbh. Esp as he has been pretty mi h nothimg fur household stuff like food and washing.

He is happily rewriting history re chores. The same will happen if you did move together at some point.

As yes he is unhappy. That’s ok though. Because him being unhappy at changing your plan isn't a good enough reason for you to do something that doesn’t sit well with you and would be quite detrimental to you. It’s like he thinks that his needs and wishes should come first and you’re not allowed to change your mind if it’s a disadvantage to him!
He needs to come back to the Real World!!

Unfortunately I think he is right when he said it’s the end though. Because his behaviour has just confirmed that he cares only about himself and his needs. Not about yours. And that’s enough to put off most people tbh.

He wants you to 'officially' dump him so that he can be the victim.
Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't even block him.

You simply don't contact him ever again. If he contacts you, be polite, smiley, bright and breezy.
Don't let him set foot over your doorstep again. If he wants to meet, you arrange to meet at the venue.

He will soon wander off to find some other poor woman to abuse.

You've allowed it, but he's initiated it. You are jointly responsible. Don't start feeling responsible for what he's done!

He’s been spending on stuff he can’t afford because he’s been banking on moving in with you and getting you to bankroll him! I had a friend with a boyfriend like this-he moved into her house then ‘lost his job’ (sacked for being useless) and wanted to sit and play computer games all day because he was depressed! It took har ages to book him out as his feet were well and truly under the table!

Total and utter user. Hes admitted that he had zero intention of paying anything when he moved in and happily spent all his money on the basis that you would be funding him fully going forward, not just 6 days a week
Honestly if you take him back now you must be so desperate for a man you are willing to pay for one.
I literally cannot read one more of these threads, its beyond depressing. Read it all back, how could you possibly think you are in the wrong here??

What everyone said. But you can now add that he's bad with money too if he's had to use a credit card to buy your xmas gifts. That's on him.

He's trying to guilt you now, don't fall for it.

Haha he literally told you he's counting on you to subsidise him.

What are you confused about?
He’s made it abundant clear that he expects to leech off you… and let you do all the housework as an added bonus.
you’d be crazy to continue this relationship

Well this one is easy. He can return the gifts he bought on credit card, money problem solved.
He has confirmed he's a complete arse, who has blamed you for his bad behaviour.
Now after his little threat he's waiting for you to run to him and apologise for "upsetting" him.
Honestly OP so many of them do this, it's called The Script.
What he's expecting is that you'll grovel, say it was a misunderstanding and of course he can move in.
He'll be magnanimous and accept your apology. He'll move in and might even wash a few plates before he drops the act again.
Then you'll have a real job getting him out.

You never have to ask a create a boundary for a man spending 6 nights a week at your place. A generous person just doesn't expect you to cater to and for them all week, while he just swings in empty-handed.

It might not feel like it now, OP, but he's shown you who he is and you've dodged a bullet. The pain of ending this relationship now is nothing to the long term grief you would have had if he'd moved in.

Well done for having the conversation with him op - he's responded exactly as a cock lodger would.

He's DARVOing you, and the O part is where he leaves the ball in your court to dump him so he can be the victim. If you don't dump him, in his brain now, he thinks you're going to come rushing back to apologise and say you're so sorry, you made a mistake, of course you want him to move in.

That would be a very big mistake.

Wow, if his sob story about the credit card is in any way true, then he's absolutely terrible with money, and that's another good reason to get rid.