I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

[Throwaway368]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow.

However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this..

I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.

I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

Rather rhan think changing your mind is problematic, your fault wtc etc, please try to think of ut as the best possible thing uou can do for yourself and for your future relationship with this person or a/n other.
And well done for posting and thinking about what it may mean...and nipping it in the bud. If you ket him kove jn, with these issues, you'll struggle. This way you have half a chance of sorting stuff out and making sure you knky have a grown up in your house with u at some point jn future, rather than a man child.

OP, you have zero boundaries, not a lot of self respect and come across as a bit desperate for him.

I really don't mean to be harsh.
He is a high earner who is mean.
You shouldn't have to tell a man that is living at yours 6 nights a week to contribute.
Its so basic.

If you had self respect it wouldn't arise.
You wouldn't tolerate it.

He knows you're a mug, hence he is giving notice on his rental.

You are making the massive mistake people with low esteem do in believing words not actions.

You don't know him, he is mean, he is lazy.
He does fxxk to share the load at yours 6 days a week but promises he will if he moves in.

Actions not words are what count.

His actions are he is mean and lazy.

Your actions are that you are soft and have zero boundaries and he thinks you are desperate.

We teach people how to treat us.

Once he moves in, you are going to bitterly regret it.
Why the rush to be a mans skivvy?
Why the rush to house him at your expense?

Does he treat you?
Does to take you away on lovely weekends, nights out, paying for everything????
He's living at yours for free for 6 nights a week?

How can you expect a man to respect you when you don't behave like you respect and know your own self worth?

You desperately need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are very vulnerable to being massively taken advantage of if you don't do serious work on your boundaries and self respect.

Moving a man in that you barely know is madness.
It suits him for sure.
But your desperation to be his skivvy will not end well.

As for him leaving his laundry for you to do, at your home.

What is your background like OP that there is such a massive absence of self respect?
I'm gob smacked that a woman would do this.

Its like you are auditioning to be his skivvy.
Unbelievable.
I have never heard of this, its so unbelievable.
What exactly does he do for you?

If you do tell him you have changed your mind, I bet his reaction will be interesting.
Tell him to do his own laundry.
Tell him to supply the food for meals he eats.

I bet you will see a different side to him.
Angry, upset, victim, sad, nasty.

User losers like him hate when the mug they have found wakes up and pushes back.

You deserve so much better.
Get some therapy, you desperately need it.

If you do tell him you have changed your mind, I bet his reaction will be interesting.
Tell him to do his own laundry.
Tell him to supply the food for meals he eats.

She already told him to pull his weight and he said he'd start some other time.

I don't think I could summon the energy to explain to a grown man why he should pay for his food and do his own laundry. I'd assume that if he's not making the effort of his own accord, he must be arrogant enough to see me as his slave, or childish enough to see me as his mummy.

Neither are attractive in any way.

OP, I also have a boyfriend of 9 months who spends at least 50% of the week at my place,

He cooks, then cleans up the kitchen. He also shops and pays for all the ingredients of the meal and adds in extras like milk etc that he thinks we might need.

He doesn’t really wash but doesn’t do his own laundry here. If I’m at his place he’ll always ask if I have anything that needs washing, a couple of times I’ve left clothes at his place he’s washed and ironed them.

If the sheets need washing he’ll strip the bed, put the sheets in the washer and remake the bed before I have time to blink.

He also does little bits of maintenance that I haven’t even thought about.

You need to seriously think about this. You can have a conversation to voice your concerns but no matter what he promises, if he’s not doing it now, he won’t do it when he’s moved in.

Op you've already stated that you're not ready for 6 days a week which means you're certainly not ready to live with him. So you need to do something about it, tell him you're not ready today before he hands his notice in. Then say you realised you need more time to yourself and you want to take things more slowly and have more evenings to yourself.

@CheekyHobson you have misread what I wrote.

I was suggesting she tell him to do his own laundry and to pay for his own meals 6 days a week...in his own house, NOT at the OP's house.

Why shouldn't she tell him to do these things in his own house and not use her home!

Update.

Thank you everyone that posted kind words, advice and some tough feedback - I have read through it all and will continue to reflect and as some suggested, its time to do the work on myself; maybe therapy.

I did address the situation with my partner and it didn't go well. I calmly stated what I wanted and how I felt, the reasons why. Too soon, issues with household chores etc. He got up and walked out refusing to speak to me any further last night.

Today I was told that he had spent extra on Christmas, and that it was all my fault because he had now wracked up credit card debt, because I had said he could move in with me. He was counting on reduced costs and getting a refund of his deposit to pay off the money he had put on credit cards.
He told me that he didn't live here and that he didn't know where anything was or the routines to offer help with household chores. That I could have just said I wanted that, even though I most definitely have asked for that.
That one of the things he loved about me and how I stood out from the rest was because I was so clear on what I wanted. Now, because I've gone back on my word, I clearly don't know what I want.
To put everything that I did on him today is a "dick move" and he is not in the slightest bit happy about it.
Finally that he is now preparing for this to end as he wouldn't be surprised based on the last couple of weeks of conversations like this. He is expecting a message or conversation from me that it is over.

I'm in a full state of confusion and either I am going mad and don't get it as I think I've been very reasonable and respectful. Or I am in a relationship with someone who is displaying (to me) some alarming behavior.

Silent treatment - tick
All your fault - tick
Self-affirmation of cocklodger status - tick
Walking away so you make the decision so it's even more your fault because then he's the poor victim - big tick

I think that's all pretty self-explanatory.

OP, I don’t think you need to be confused. You know the answer (hint: you’re not going mad!)

He’s just shown you who he is OP - believe him - and believe me, you have just dodged a bullet….
Run like your hair is on fire 🔥 and don’t look back

Wow, well that has certainly confirmed you were right to have reservations!

@Throwaway368 ‘am I in a relationship with someone who is to me displaying some alarming behaviour’ oh hell YES!!

Stick to your guns - major cocklodger alert 🚨 ‼️ DO NOT LET THIS CREEP MOVE IN ‼️

Or I am in a relationship with someone who is displaying (to me) some alarming behavior.

^^ This!

He's shown his true colours. Time to let this one go.

8 months in, you don't really know each other. This is your first real test and he's failing. How is he a high earner but he can't even rent a flat to himself and he needs to pay off his credit card with a rental deposit refund? This relationship isn't going anywhere.

You’ve learnt a lot .
Hes in debt and was using you as a solution/atm.
Hes lazy and wants someone who will pick up after him , cook his meals, pay his living costs and doesn’t rock the boat
When he doesn’t get his own way he try’s the silent treatment, then deflection , then guilt tripping you. What’s next love bombing when he realises you are no longer being controlled by him?
Nothing is ever going to be his fault.
A life with him would be him taking and you giving preferably silent so he can watch the tv whilst you’re cooking his tea, caring for any kids whilst passing him a drink 🥃.

Run for the hills OP !

He was counting on reduced costs

What an arse this man is!

OP, count yourself very lucky he’s shown his true colours before you let him move in and sponge off you for the rest of time!

"I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share,"
That's almost blackmail OP...ie Hurry up and let me move in properly and THEN I might start doing my fair share.

I bet his definition of his fair share differs very widely to anyone else's. And its the cheeky entitlement of the way he said that, as if you are some sort of hotel.

If he lives with you six days a week... that's virtually full time.
You shouldn't have to ask him to contribute - he should have offered by now.
But he doesn't because he's entitled ,He's let you foot all the bills and all the chores this whole time.. what's going to change when he's there for 7 days instead of six? He must be saving a bomb doing this.

Your instincts are telling you this is too soon. I'd listen to them.

It's always everyone else's fault with these types.
End it now, his reactions are not that of a reasonable, decent person and it most definitely is not your fault that he has over extended himself.

OP do yourself a massive favour and listen to the advice of the Women who KNOW what they're talking about.

They know because they've fallen in to the same trap.

Sorry OP I've just seen your update where
He got up and walked out refusing to speak to me any further when you tried to explain how you were feeling
And reading the post from @Pumpkinpie1 above..

I've just seen so many of these posts on here with all those kinds of behaviours.

At least you are seeing how he's acting now... instead of a year in with all the "shared" responsibilities

I also agree with a pp who said if you are both high earners, how is he living in a one room house share and needs his deposit back to pay for Christmas.. Especially when you've been paying all the bills and generally financing his 6 day a week stayovers. That's a major subsidy, yet he's "wracked up credit card debt." What has he been buying that will be so impossible for him to pay back easily from his high salary.
He chose what he wanted to spend . He cannot blame you for that, yet he does.

I think you've just (luckily) uncovered further reasons why he's not an ideal housemate.

I’d love to know what his “extra Christmas spending” on credit card was, and how much of the benefit of it was going to come your way… (I’d guess virtually none.)

He won't be more useful when he moves in, he'll be less.

I'd want him to step up now, he's not worthy of you.

Oh what a surprise, it's all your fault!

Can you tell us, if he had moved in, he's split the bills, but would he pay any rent? I assume you're paying a mortgage. Would he be living rent-free? Is this what's bothering him?

And why has he got no money and depending on deposits being returned etc when he's in a high-paying job?

Well he’s both shown you and told you who he is OP

Dump his arse and run like the absolute wind in the other direction!!