Page 3 | I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

Throwaway368 · 2024-12-04T14:12:09+00:00

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow. However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this.. I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed. I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

Original poster

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 15:56

Proseccoh · 04/12/2024 15:48

How has it come about that he spends 6 nights a week at yours? Do you ever spend time at his? Is there a reason for that? How has he been if you have spent time at his; would he expect to do your laundry etc? You've already had some great advice in here but your radar is spot on. Pay attention! It gets much trickier to extract yourself from these things once you have formal agreements and joint bills etc... I would listen to my gut, and again, his response when you tell him (and your fear/reluctance of it?) should be telling.

Admittedly, we spend that time at mine, because his living situation is awkward. He rents a room in a house, which is lovely, but now the landlord is there all the time. I have refused to stay there as I feel so awkward. When i have been there he has cooked and even washed the odd thing for me.But difficult to compare as that was the odd day, max twice in a week.

You're definitely right, I am just worried on how to address this tricky conversation and what to say, as I don't want him to feel insecure in this relationship

OP posts:

Chocolatesnowman2 · 04/12/2024 15:57

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 14:22

No he doesn't contribute now, he may buy the odd dinner or thing for the house milk etc. But then I've never asked him to contribute, so it would feel a bit harsh to blame him for this, I've never even made that boundary

You shouldn't of needed to make that boundary
A decent person would already be paying their way , especially living there 6 nights a week .
He's using you

Original poster

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 15:58

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 04/12/2024 15:45

Both high earners but he is still renting whilst you bough your own house…
Soma different attitude to money too?

Well he has been more focused on travel in the past, something that is an interest for me too. You're not wrong though, we have differing spending habits and ideas about saving etc. Another thing to consider before making this step, Its just addressing it all so its not an attack, as I very much want to be in this relationship, just not living together yet

OP posts:

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 04/12/2024 15:59

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 14:23

No he is still in the rental about to give his notice

Fucking hell, tell him now. You don't want him to move in, which is not massively surprising given his tight-wad behaviour. Sugar coat it to him if you like, but don't just drift along with it and fuck up the both of yous living arrangements.

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 04/12/2024 16:00

Sorry but it's sad to see yet another woman on here who will put up with terrible treatment just to be with a man. If he moves in he will do literally nothing btw.

Original poster

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 16:00

Chocolatesnowman2 · 04/12/2024 15:55

Why is he there 6 nights a week .is he paying his share of the bills ,the food .
Do you stay at his .
How have you allowed this to happen ,6 nights a week usually practically living there already .
Is that what you actually wanted

You raise valid points, I am accountable for allowing this situation to happen. I will appease people to my detriment. I dont want 6 days a week together yet, I am struggling to find my way back to 2-3 times a week, and not living together. I don't know what to say so thats not an attack on him. It is completely my fault we are where we are. I have allowed it!

OP posts:

Chocolatesnowman2 · 04/12/2024 16:00

I bet he's counting on you ,to get him out of his rental.
I wouldn't be surprised if he ends the relationship, saying that your not as serious about him as he is about you ... because you don't want him moving in ..
He has more to loose by not moving in with you .
I hope i.m wrong and he's nice about it ..but I bet he makes you feel guilty and pressured

Nothatgingerpirate · 04/12/2024 16:01

No way.
No reason.
Better get a dog.

jellybe · 04/12/2024 16:03

Sounds like he is going to become a cock lodged in no time. Listen to your instincts don't let him move in.

CheekyHobson · 04/12/2024 16:03

No no no no no. My boyfriend of 10 months stays at mine four nights a fortnight (I have my kids the rest of the time). We don't stay at his place as it's undergoing a long-term renovation and isn't in great shape right now.

He gives me money towards basic expenses, pays towards food and also contributes to chores in the time he's here. He's always asking if there's something he can do, or will notice that something needs to be fixed of his own accord and ask if I'd like him to do it. This is normal and what your boyfriend should be doing without you having to chase him about it.

No matter how nicely you word it, at the end of the day your conversation is going to be awkward because he is taking the piss and he must know it unless he is very stupid.

cestlavielife · 04/12/2024 16:03

Ask him casually to put on the washing machine next time
Then hand him the hoover
And have him do the next online shop and meal plan for the week
Since he stays 6 nights is living with you already

Chocolatesnowman2 · 04/12/2024 16:03

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 16:00

You raise valid points, I am accountable for allowing this situation to happen. I will appease people to my detriment. I dont want 6 days a week together yet, I am struggling to find my way back to 2-3 times a week, and not living together. I don't know what to say so thats not an attack on him. It is completely my fault we are where we are. I have allowed it!

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No . totally no ..it's not your fault
He should of asked you if it was ok
He should of asked you how you felt about it .
He should of checked it was ok and asked how many nights were ok and asked how much money you both felt was fair he contributes .
He's walked all over you .
Your a nice person and he's using that to his advantage

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2024 16:06

You are absolutely correct to be concerned about this.

He is treating you like a skivvy now, he always will. There will always be a "reason" he doesn't do it now.

Tired from work
Busy
You're better at it
Will do it later
Your standards are too high
I did it, not my fault you don't like it

I promise you, this will be your life.

Tell him he needs to step up and take responsibility now.

Then give him 3 months to show he has. If he doesn't, he doesn't move in and you end the relationship.

He needs to be tested, but don't tell him you're testing him. Do it now and he will show you who he is.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2024 16:10

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 15:56

Admittedly, we spend that time at mine, because his living situation is awkward. He rents a room in a house, which is lovely, but now the landlord is there all the time. I have refused to stay there as I feel so awkward. When i have been there he has cooked and even washed the odd thing for me.But difficult to compare as that was the odd day, max twice in a week.

You're definitely right, I am just worried on how to address this tricky conversation and what to say, as I don't want him to feel insecure in this relationship

Show quote history

Erm. He SHOULD feel insecure in the relationship, your feelings and standards are number 1 important. No way you should be protecting his feelings here.

You need to tough and a bit ruthless. Come on OP, he is rubbing his hands with glee that he has bagged himself a fuck maid! Of course he will act all hurt and victimised, because he wants you to feel ashamed for asking him to do his part. He didn't do it on his own and his precious male ego will be hurt.

Planesmistakenforstars · 04/12/2024 16:11

You do his washing???! He is taking the absolute piss and he hasn't even moved in. Unless you've always dreamed of having a full time job and also being a bangmaid to a child in a man's body, then do not let him move in.

mewkins · 04/12/2024 16:13

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 16:00

You raise valid points, I am accountable for allowing this situation to happen. I will appease people to my detriment. I dont want 6 days a week together yet, I am struggling to find my way back to 2-3 times a week, and not living together. I don't know what to say so thats not an attack on him. It is completely my fault we are where we are. I have allowed it!

Show quote history

If it helps, write it all down in a text/ email. It sounds like he is used to getting his own way and is more forceful than you. Tell him that while you see a future together, it is too soon to move in. Say that you think living apart for another 12 months is your aim and then you can both reassess. You can tell him that you want a solid long term relationship where you both contribute equally to running the house. You're not at that stage yet.

Leave him to work this one out. Lay it all out and don't let him grind you down or make you backtrack. He's responsible for you feeling like this about him.

Terrribletwos · 04/12/2024 16:15

Throwaway368 · 04/12/2024 15:58

Well he has been more focused on travel in the past, something that is an interest for me too. You're not wrong though, we have differing spending habits and ideas about saving etc. Another thing to consider before making this step, Its just addressing it all so its not an attack, as I very much want to be in this relationship, just not living together yet

Show quote history

Ah, is he planning on more travel as it sounds like he is using you to save money for this?

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 04/12/2024 16:21

mewkins · 04/12/2024 16:13

If it helps, write it all down in a text/ email. It sounds like he is used to getting his own way and is more forceful than you. Tell him that while you see a future together, it is too soon to move in. Say that you think living apart for another 12 months is your aim and then you can both reassess. You can tell him that you want a solid long term relationship where you both contribute equally to running the house. You're not at that stage yet.

Leave him to work this one out. Lay it all out and don't let him grind you down or make you backtrack. He's responsible for you feeling like this about him.

Show quote history

⬆️⬆️ I like that way of presenting things

Terrribletwos · 04/12/2024 16:21

Also, @Throwaway368 I am curious about the LL" being there all the time". Why would the LL be there all the time?

Thelittlehouseonthehill · 04/12/2024 16:22

God no. Tell him now so he can look for alternative accommodation.
If you let this go ahead you will be back here in 6 months desperately asking for ways to get him to leave.
Put your big girl pants on and tell him you have decided it’s too soon and you feel like he won’t pull his weight around the house, give examples, the washing etc and don’t fall for his assurances thing will change if he moves in.
He should have been proving to you he is decent enough to do that stuff off his own back since he is there most of the time. Instead he has been treating your home like a fully inclusive hotel with all services included.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 04/12/2024 16:22

Terrribletwos · 04/12/2024 16:21

Also, @Throwaway368 I am curious about the LL" being there all the time". Why would the LL be there all the time?

I think because he is only renting a bedroom. So whoever he is tent8mg from lives there too.

This man doesn’t rent even a house of his own

WallaceinAnderland · 04/12/2024 16:25

Tell him that you've had second thoughts about him moving in because you think it's too soon and you'd rather set some ground rules and try them out first to see if it suits both of you.

You can address finances. If he is currently staying 6 days a week then he should contribute 6/7 of the living costs, including paying 'rent'.

You might find that faced with this, he might prefer to stay 2 or 3 nights a week instead which would probably suit you too.

He should also clean up after himself, manage his own laundry, his share of house maintenance, etc.

If after, say, six months trial that all works out fine and you are both happy with it, you can talk about moving in together.

Theonlywayisuptoyou · 04/12/2024 16:26

I see why moving in with you “ makes sense financially” for him, not so much for you though. Why worry about upsetting him, if he’s only with you to have somewhere nicer to live wouldn’t you rather find out now, so what if he breaks up with you just because you don’t want to rush into living together. Tell him to not put in his notice you are not ready to have him move in and see how he reacts. Agree with PP’s he should be putting forward his best side in this honeymoon period of your relationship, if he can’t be bothered to make the effort now he’s not going to suddenly change, no matter what he says to you now. Actions speak louder than words is a good saying to live by.

Terrribletwos · 04/12/2024 16:34

WallaceinAnderland · 04/12/2024 16:25

Tell him that you've had second thoughts about him moving in because you think it's too soon and you'd rather set some ground rules and try them out first to see if it suits both of you.

You can address finances. If he is currently staying 6 days a week then he should contribute 6/7 of the living costs, including paying 'rent'.

You might find that faced with this, he might prefer to stay 2 or 3 nights a week instead which would probably suit you too.

He should also clean up after himself, manage his own laundry, his share of house maintenance, etc.

If after, say, six months trial that all works out fine and you are both happy with it, you can talk about moving in together.

I just can't see why the op would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't automatically think he needs to contribute if he's there 6 nights a week. It is so disrespectful to the op and that, to me, would be a deal breaker from the get go. Further discussion about this and that would be pointless.

ginasevern · 04/12/2024 16:35

OP, you must speak up before he gives notice on his bedsit. That's only fair to him. As for the rest of it, you must put yourself first. Ten months is nothing and you hardly know each other. You have a lot to lose in this situation and I advise you to proceed with the greatest of caution and protect yourself and your home. I speak through bitter experience that has impacted the rest of my life. Do not allow this man to move in, even if it's the end of the relationship.