I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

[Throwaway368]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow.

However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this..

I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.

I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

If he's there 6 days a week, you're doing his washing, i presume he's not contributing financially at this point either?

Congrats, you've got yourself a cocklodger. Get him out and don't let him officially move in to your home - what makes you think he will treat you and your home with any more respect once he's officially got his feet under the table?

Take the cheeky bastard's dirty stuff out of your laundry basket. You are not his servant.

He's happy for you to do everything and pay for everything. And so early in your relationship, this is him at his best. I'd run a mile and then do some reflecting about how you've allowed this to happen. Doing his washing ffs.

Do you wash the clothes he puts in the basket? Why?

Well he saw you coming op and thinks he's got it made. Sex, free rent and a servant who does his washing.

Don't move in with this man!

Doing the washing etc is one thing, but you MUST have the financial side of things organized and agreed up before he moves in.

Whatever your decision, you need to let him know ASAP too, it's unfair to leave it until the last minute, regardless of his notice situation at his other place.

If he's 'the one', he'll understand. If he doesn't, you'll have your answer.

Congratulations on spotting the early signs of a common garden cock lodger OP.

Just take a quick look on Mumsnet this week to see more advanced examples of these quality male specimens and decide if this is the future you want

Obviously you don't. He's shown you who he is, and you've noticed. You're also smart enough to realise people don't change.

You're doing absolutely the right thing. Don't feel guilty. Despite what the patriarchy has been telling us for centuries, women were NOT put on this earth to simply make life easier for the menfolk

He should be offering to cook, help clean up, contribute food etc, doing his own washing at his if not paying bills, not really waiting to be asked. Not if he's spending nearly a full week at yours.

I think you're getting cold feet for a reason. Either ask him to extend his lease/ find somewhere else for a year or if you're certain about moving in, a division of costs and chores since he doesn't voluntarily pull his weight.

Always listen to your gut feeling. In all honesty 10 months isn't very long in knowing someone. You need to have a more established relationship before deciding on living together. Basic things like the management of chores needs to be ironed out, before you live together! If not, then resentment builds and then they'll be arguing. I would also seek some legal advice regarding your home too. It's better to be honest with your boyfriend now, rather than leave it too late, that he can't renew his current lease.

No way. I can’t believe he puts his laundry in your basket for you to wash? And how does he not buy in groceries?

Sack him off. This is not what you want from a relationship.

Do you actually want him to stay at yours six nights a week? Maybe you should reconsider the relationship completely. If you tell him not to move in, fair enough, but staying with you six nights a week is living together anyway,
surely?

Much easier to tell him before he gives notice on his existing tenancy

It’s definitely too soon and more complicated when you have a mortgage on your property. I’d tell him asap so that he has plenty of time to find somewhere else otherwise it will be too late. He’ll ask to stay at yours while he finds somewhere else and will probably never leave. He’s lazy and this is so early in the relationship, he’s doing nothing and promising he’ll change later.. he 100% won’t. If it ends the relationship then he’s not the one for you, any good man would understand your doubts and wait. Even if initially disappointed.

@Throwaway368 if he does not live in you house then why the hell is he putting his dirty laundry in your laundry basket????? does he not have one at his own place??? sorry but I think he knows what side his bread is buttered!!

I actually can get the not doing household chores but putting his stuff in the wash and expecting you to just do it first him?? That’s taking you for granted and telling you loud and clear how he thinks division of Labour will be.

The legal side is one that could be ironed out quite easily before February. As long as he doesn’t kick off at you protecting yourself.

But the most important is the fact you are having second thoughts.
You need to tell him. Both about the legal/financial side and about his attitude.

I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.
Honestly, that doesn’t matter. It’s ok to change your mind. You’re not letting him down. But him moving in when you are having second thoughts is never going to be good.

You need to tell him now OP. I wouldn't move in the man you are describing, probably ever if I'm honest.

Btw @Throwaway368 have you had a discussion on the financial side if him moving in?
How much is he going to give you re utilities? How will you split groceries etc…

Is there a big difference in your incomes too?

Yes, he is going to pay half. We are both high earners, so that side of things is okay.

Don't do it.

Then just discuss the chores, see what he says first.

Both high earners but he is still renting whilst you bough your own house…
Soma different attitude to money too?

How has it come about that he spends 6 nights a week at yours? Do you ever spend time at his? Is there a reason for that? How has he been if you have spent time at his; would he expect to do your laundry etc? You've already had some great advice in here but your radar is spot on. Pay attention! It gets much trickier to extract yourself from these things once you have formal agreements and joint bills etc... I would listen to my gut, and again, his response when you tell him (and your fear/reluctance of it?) should be telling.

And you're right; it is too soon. 8 months in a relationship is really nothing in terms of knowing someone. He's not sounding like the perfect partner now and he really should be on his best behaviour...

Always follow your instincts,that's what they are there for .
It's not going to get any better than this
This is him on his best behaviour,early on in the relationship,it will all be down. Hill from here

Why is he there 6 nights a week .is he paying his share of the bills ,the food .
Do you stay at his .
How have you allowed this to happen ,6 nights a week usually practically living there already .
Is that what you actually wanted