I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

[Throwaway368]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow.

However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this..

I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.

I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

It sounds like you've dodged a bullet there. He's in cc debt even though he's only renting a room in a house and is apparently a high earner? Plus you've probably been covering a majority of his food. So what is he spending his money on?

Says he's overspent on Xmas but I bet it's not on presents for you! Otherwise he would have used that against you! Sounds like he would have got into debt for Xmas shopping anyway if he didn't have the money already! So nothing to do with you.

At least your eyes are open now.

Also, sounds like he doesn't plan to contribute much when moving in with you. I hope you throw this one back op.

So stealing this, maid, mother, mattress!
So true.

Another thing I don't get is the rushing in to the settled aspect of a relationship.

I loved the two years that we dated, meeting up dressed up for meals, nights out with friends.

The whole buzz of being a couple meeting up.

How quickly these losers want to hang out in your comfortable home, at your expense.

I never had boyfriends hanging out unless I expressly invited them.
I had a life outside of my boyfriend.
I wouldn't have wanted any man on MY sofa 6 days a week expecting to be fed.
Because I always had a life myself.
As for doing his laundry 🤢🤮..after how many months🙄. Screw that. I barely wanted to do my own.
The mind boggles at just desperate some women are.

And they are surprised they end up with losers like this?

When you have zero boundaries or self respect these losers can smell it.

I really hope this is the biggest wake up call to you about the importance of boundaries and self respect if you don't want to end up with a debt ridden grifter on your sofa.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk please do this.

You deserve the best, not this waster.

Are you sure he isn't gambling?

He's full of shit. I have a boyfriend of 18 months who stays with me a few nights a week. He is at mine more than we are at his because I have pets.

I've never asked him to help out, but he will do dishes, offer to fix things around the house that need repairing, take me out and pay for meals regularly as a thank you for all the meals he has here, etc. I don't ask him to do any of this, he does it because he's a decent and considerate person.

OP this would actually be the perfect response to him! 👏🏼

yes. High salary. No savings.
Renting one room in house share.
Living on your dime for six days a week.
Now credit card debt which he says is just for Christmas (sort of implying he has bought you an expensive present ) which he cannot reasonably see himself paying off without using flat share deposit.
Openly admits that he was relying on moving in with you to "reduce costs" - How much more can he reduce them by? He's not paying you anything towards bills or weekly shops..
He must have unwittingly admitted that he's hoping to reduce the money he pays for a one room flat share even further - ie not planning to contribute much/if anything to you. (because big credit card debt that he accuses you of encouraging, although you did not).
Gets up and walks out when you try to discuss it.

There's quite a way to go for him to talk himself out of these decisions.

I hope you’ve now split up with him. This man, like so many others wants a free ride and a servant.

Today I was told that he had spent extra on Christmas, and that it was all my fault because he had now wracked up credit card debt, because I had said he could move in with me. He was counting on reduced costs and getting a refund of his deposit to pay off the money he had put on credit cards.

Holy fuck, he's sees you as a cash cow!

This should be the best bit! He should be doing all he can to help even as a guest. Surely even as a guest if one cooks the other washes up?

He will change when he moves in? He's already moved in! Tell him he cannot move in properly when his lease ends. You need to be dating not having him lurking around your lovely home.

I've read your update. So he's now blaming you! You've raised these concerns with him and he did nothing about it. Only now when you're saying he can't move in he's realised he should be doing stuff. It's not hard to find the washer!

No one gets credit card debt because they think they are moving in with someone to reduce their outgoings. How much does he think they will reduce by as he's only renting a room? I do wonder if he has any money at all.

Let him go.

Pay attention to your instincts which are warning you of a GRAVE ERROR IN JUDGMENT. You still have time to course correct by telling him that you reconsidered as it seems you two should date at least another year before considering such a huge step. Which is true. What in the world would you want some slovenly bum moving into your house for? He is alreacy exhibiting bad habits that you see clearly. Don't worry about his feelings right now, you better worry about your own!

Plus, if he doesn't own his own home, why would you allow him into yours to muck up your title after you break up. Of COURSE any woman with sense would make a rental agreement spelling out in no uncertain terms what his payment amount is and what it will be used for. In reality, I would have a tenant agreement but no rent to be paid - instead he pays all the utilities and spends XYZ amount for food or something... Something that gets used up so he can't ask for it back or stake a claim when you get tired of his shenanigans.

Honestly, I don't understand why women want men they aren't legally married to, to live with them. No! Stay at your house and I will stay at mine. See each other when we want to but no more than 2x a week overnight because I have things to do and don't wnat you underfoot all the time. Especially women with young children there is just too much drama to worry about.

Hey Op, what happened after that? Are you still together?

Hey, so I broke it off within a few days of this post. about 6 months ago now. I had concerns about what it would look like together and whether i was just useful. But i think it was much worse, he was so aggressive when i called him on it all. He threw stuff, slammed doors etc. He scared me, then i was certain, what the hell am i doing. Within a month he had met someone else, they've been on holiday and it's plastered over social media how often he stays at hers. His soul mate apparently
Someone wrote earlier in this thread "no one falls in love faster than someone who needs a bed".

The classic lucky escape, OP. Well done.

Well done OP.
You dodged an unhinged arsehole.

His anger at No was the real him.
He has shown he is capable of abusing a woman.
Narrow escape.

Two books to help.
Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft
Women who love too much. Robin Norwood

Well worth arming yourself with these going forward.

You do his washing???

Ignore me.

Sounds like a lucky escape. Well done OP but standing your ground. Good luck to her. My sister had an ex who moved on quickly like that. They love bomb anyone they can get something out of.

Oh very well done OP, it's so heartening to hear of someone who has dodged a cocklodger!

👏👏👏