I want to change my mind about my boyfriend moving in.

[Throwaway368]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we agreed that he would move in with me in February. We will have been together 10 months at this point and it ties in with his lease for his rental being up. I own my property so it makes sense financially for us both for him to move in and contribute and for our relationship to move forwards and grow.

However I am having doubts, not about the relationship but about it being too soon. I wonder if it hasn't really been long enough and whether we should delay this. I learnt about the legal implications of this recently and that it would be sensible to have a cohabitation agreement so there would be no possible claim he could have in terms of equity in the property. I also have a few other doubts, when he's here he doesn't do an awful lot in the way of chores. He spends 6 nights of a week here will cook and tidy up once or twice in the kitchen, but never does any household chores. He will however just put his stuff in for washing in the basket but has never once done a load. I have spoken to him and he told me when he lives here he would do his fair share, I'm not convinced as I haven't seen this..

I don't feel ready and feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit more. And I'd like to iron out the issues such as housework and the legal side of things.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I don't want to commit. I'm also concerned he will feel as if I'm letting him down and going back on what we agreed.

I do understand that changing my mind could be problematic for the relationship and that is my fault. I just have an overwhelming feeling thag this isnt right at the moment and we should delay to a future point. Any advice on how to start this difficult conversation would be greatly appreciated!

Flipping Nora, he's not even living with you yet but you're already taking the 'Mum' role and doing his washing. No wonder he's as keen to move on a quick 😂.

He’s made it easy for you OP, he’s not even trying to hide his intention to sponge off you, so he’s thick as well as devious.
Honestly if you stay in this relationship, never mind let him move in, you will only have yourself to blame when it all goes tits up.
Red flag doesn’t even cover this, it’s a massive flashing red light with a shrieking siren.
Do you have soy real life support to reassure you, you haven’t done anything wrong, you are a lovely caring person he is pond life.

The date someone's lease expires should never be a basis for taking a relationship to the next level. I think you need to slow down, he's already spending 6 days a week at yours, he's pretty much moved in already. Did you actually have a period of just dating?

You’ve only been with him 8 months and he’s ready shown himself as being crap with money, crap with paying his way when it comes to food and crap when it comes to pulling his weight when it comes to housework.

What isn’t he crap at?!

OP please stop being a fool. If after everything that you have posted on here, everything he has said and done, you still consider you are in a relationship with him - honestly I have no words. Why would you settle for this? You are better off on your own. Perhaps consider counselling or personal therapy to work on your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

I think you should dump him after his reaction to the conversation.
If he'd been willing to listen and make positive suggestions about how living together would look and that he would take on x,y and z it would have been a different story.
But his reaction shows you how he would behave in any conflict situation.

Also, even though you didn't tell him how and when to do this, that and the other, he should have asking about household routines and offering to take on various chores anyway. He's been living there 6 nights a week. It's not like he's there once or twice.

The other red flag for me is that he is apparently a high earner yet he doesn't own his own property and lives in a room in a landlord's house. He isn't even renting his own flat for his own exclusive use and I'd wonder why. Usually people only lodge if they can't afford to rent their own place so it means either he has some kind of financial issue or he's too tight to pay out more for his own place. Or he's saved up a shit load of savings which he presumably hasn't mentioned to you.

Women who own their own properties need to be very careful that they don't attract cocklodgers who are lining their own pockets at the expense of the financially stable woman.

I wonder if he's my ex though. He claimed he couldn't do any washing because the washing machine was labelled in German and he couldn't understand German. This was despite us living in a German-speaking country and me telling him which program to use for the washing.
Your boyfriend's "didn't know the household routine" bullshit sounds very similar.

This in spades. He is definitely a wrongun. I shall resume catching up now but I hope you're getting rid of this one, he will break you.

just occured to me that its pretty rich, whilst you are clearly subsidising virtually all his living expenses for six days a week, to turn around and start whining that YOU are responsible for increasing his debts? When he's in a well paid job,

Funny that. His debts being your fault.

Wow.

I think your last presumption is the right one 'exhibiting alarming behaviour'.

I strongly believe everything he said about spending out for Christmas is bcoughshit.

He's shown his true colours here. I'd use this as your get out clause to be honest. How dare he blame you for his overspend. He hasn't given presents yet - he can get a refund.

You know what to do and difficult as it may feel now, it will never be as easy to stop the situation as it is now. Stay strong. One week from now you'll know you did the right thing.

I think the reaction is good. Now you know for sure what his expectations of living together were. Likely you would continue to pay most of the expenses as he's already racked up debt gleefully thinking you would be covering his bills from now on. And obviously you already have your own chore routines for the house that he wouldn't want to interfere with. Hard eye roll. Your gut feeling was absolutely correct and you have dodged a massive bullet.

Likely you would continue to pay most of the expenses as he's already racked up debt gleefully thinking you would be covering his bills from now on.

He would probably think that you were ‘paying the bills anyway’ so him being there wouldn’t cost any more!

He got up and walked out refusing to speak to me any further last night.

Did he strop back to his house share or just to strop in another room in your nice house?!

Well, not offering to do any washing up or laundry because he doesn't know the routine for chores is absolutely hilarious!

Just block him and move on with your life happily. He will be no loss!

Goodness, I know this script so well, it couldve been me who wrote it. And I agree with everything that has already been said. The spending his rental deposit on gifts is a telling one. That one is bait, 'I got you expensive gifts, how could you treat me like this'. Its insight into his mindset, what he values, what he will spend his money on - not bills, not life or savings (or the pile of debt he clearly is hiding from you) - but frippery that makes him feel like the big man.

Anyway, if you respond like I did, you'll placate, withdraw a bit, but not properly end it. Cause you know whats other peoples opinions they dont know how lovely he is, how well you get on. But please do withdraw, assess, dont give anymore - insist on equality. Make him pay his way, insist on space 2/3 days and he pays for stuff, (dont lend him money!), and just be very careful. He really is a user and he will take so much more from you than you can imagine if you let him.

You didn't just have a cock lodger OP you had a big ol' man baby too. He's expecting a message ending the relationship so he shouldn't be at all surprised when he gets it. Send it now, get it over with.

You sound fine, but you’re right that he is displaying alarming behaviour. Please call time on the relationship.

There’s a saying that you see a man’s true character when you tell him no. This is who he is: a grifter, a manipulator, greedy, and almost certainly dishonest- does he really have a high paying job? Or has he got a gambling problem or drug addiction? Why is he racking up debt when his basic outgoings must be pretty tiny?

I think it was right and reasonable for you to say what was on your mind, but he reacted completely unreasonably. Take this as your signal to let him go. Please.

He is angry at you and sulking because you called him out on living at your expense 6 nights a week?

He racked up credit card debt in anticipation of a further free ride and blames you for that irrational behaviour?

I hope you understand that the only correct response to your comments is: I am so sorry - I am happy to pay my share and do my half of the housework from now on, starting today.

It may be sad right now but you really don't want to be lumbered with a man like this. You are already feeling unhappy, taken for granted, pressurised and hemmed in. Imagine how you'd feel if you lived together.

This poor, poor man.

He wants a mother, a maid, and a mattress. And you've finally said NO!

Now he cries and tantrums and it's all your fault OP!

(well done, lucky escape for you there)

He’s not your partner though is he? He was a man you were dating. It sounds as though you weren’t even dating. He moved in by stealth.Did he do anything nice for you?

He may be back with an attempt at love bimbing. He had you practically in the bag, he wont want to spend another whole 8 months putting that effort into another woman,

Id just never contact him again. Ignore his calls. At least you know now before the end of the year. Start 2025 with a new slate.

Op, you dodged a cocklodger shaped bullet there!

He’s shown you who he is. It’s your love goggles that are misleading you.

Being at your home one extra day isn’t going to transform him into someone who respects their partner.

He shouldn’t need to be asked. I couldn’t be at someone’s house six days a week and not contribute, I’d feel very uncomfortable. Wouldn’t you?

Just tell him you don’t feel ready yet and feel under pressure, think he should have a years rental contract elsewhere first. That will also give him time to get into a routine with pulling his weight while visiting. You would only have him move in once he has a track record of pulling his weight.

I'm in a full state of confusion and either I am going mad and don't get it as I think I've been very reasonable and respectful. Or I am in a relationship with someone who is displaying (to me) some alarming behavior.

He’s gaslighting you, that’s why you’re confused. He’s full of shit - if he’d wanted to pull his weight he could have used his words and asked where the cleaning stuff is. He knew your routine because he was sitting there watching you get on with it.

If you were unsure if he wanted to move in just to improve his financial situation, the fact he has already spent his deposit refund should answer that. He is bleating because he has put himself in debt on the assumption the returned deposit was spending money, but how much debt can that be / how much was the deposit on one room?

It must be so disappointing to see that he’s not the great guy you thought he was but I do hope you’ll think about ditching him and finding someone you deserve

right I’ve caught up!

youve respectfully explained what I need and been met with blame and gaslighting.