Ghosted and Devastated

[Sadgirl97]

Hello .
I'm here looking for some advice, support and solidarity.

A man I am very much in love with has ghosted me. Leaving me feeling devastated and broken.

Some Background info:

My Husband and I seperated 6 months ago.
It was amicable.
While sad, I was not devastated . We have remained on very good terms. We have an 18 month old son together.

My friend ( let's call him Tony) was there for me duirin this difficult time. We met up regularly and he would call me to check in with me .
I've know Tony about 4 years and we both attend the same church.
Friendship blossomed into romance, and we agreed to start dating about three months ago .

He showered me with affection and kindness at first.
He seemed such a lovely man.
Tony is autistic and struggles greatly with communication/expressing his feelings.
He has never had a relationship before.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.
He would go completely silent and look uncomfortable.
I decided to take him on his actions rather than his words. He lavished affection on me and seemed to light up when we were together.
We talked about our childhoods, our hopes and dreams about everything really.
We made so many plans for the future.

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him.
I have since realised that was a very foolish thing to do, it was way too soon and I have very likely scared him off and sent him running for the hills.
I havn't heard from him since that night I put my heart on the line ( about a week ago) not a phone call, not a message. Radio silence.
He used to call me every night at the same time. I try to call him - he doesn't answer.

I went to church last Sunday , to see him , to get an idea of where I stand . He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I walked in.
when I sat with him after the service he seemed uncomfortable and miserable. Something was very off. I asked him why he hadn't been in touch - he said he'd been very busy but it all sounded like a bunch of excuses.
I asked him to go for walk with me, he said he needed to go home and take a shower. It was the most painful day of my life.

I wish I could take back my declarations of love and my over- the-top behaviour that night.
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'm devastated.
My confidence and self- esteem is in the gutter. My heart hurts constantly. I'm checking my phone every few minutes. I feel like I'm going mad. When I wake up in the morning it hits me like a ton of bricks and I don't want to be here anymore. I do have thoughts of suicide.
I just want him back in my arms . I truly thought I'd found my soul mate.
At the same time , I'm so angry he's ghosted me like this and doesn't have the decency to tell me it's over.

I love him and hate him at the same time . I swing between feeling optimistic and hopefull that he'll get in touch , to being in the depths of despair.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?
I know that's completely the wrong thing to hope for , but my hearts in such pain . I just want him to come back and make me happy again.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to reply.

Are you also on the spectrum? Have you thought about how you would manage communication in the long term with someone who struggles with communication? Can you truly love someone romantically without becoming close to them? Or are we talking about simple infatuation or sexual attraction?

No, you don't want or need to salvage this.
You were at (still are at) a stage where you needed someone, and he was there.
But he's shown you he can't handle emotional involvement, he can't be committed, he can't support you when you need it: He's shown that there can't be a future for you, surely?
Trying to take this on would be a massive job of work that because of his autism and lack of experience, would IMO ultimately fail.
I'm sure it hurts like hell. But do you really want to be with someone who can't express their feelings and who can't be there for you when you need him?

I know you are hurting but you need help if you are contemplating suicide over this. NO man on earth is worth that. Also you have a young child to think about.

If you really can't move on without some answers you could always try writing to him and explaining that you got a bit carried away. That way he can mull things over in a non confrontational way. My son has autism so l know a bit about how communication works with someone with those issues.

Please don't go down the path of beating yourself up for what you said. It was your truth at the time. It might have all ended anyway. He might have responded very differently. There's no way of knowing but you did what you did and you cannot undo it however much you want to.

I think you sound massively overbearing and verging on harassing behaviour. He’s removed himself from the equation now so leave him be and focus on your young child.

You don't sound all that stable if the end of only a 3 month relationship has given you thoughts of suicide. Not surprising he's withdrawn given he's autistic, your feelings would be too much and of concern for most NT people.

Something has caused you to latch onto this man in a short space of time, and it could be that you didn't give yourself enough time to process your prior split - 6 months is nothing, especially when you had a baby together.
Let this one go, stop chasing him for answers. You are full on and he is autistic so 'never the twain' applies. You are incompatible and that's it. He basically rescued a damsel in distress, and its backfired.
Spend time on your own, concentrate on your DC, as no man is anywhere near as important as your child. Get some counselling because the whole way you've gone about and reacted to this is wrong.

Thank you 😊
I know in my heart this is the truth.
He does not care for me .
I feel so utterly alone and unloved right now.
I'm looking after my Son 24/7 with very little support . I feel I don't have an identity or life of my own anymore.
My Husband has been in a phyciatric hospital for the past four months.
I was desperate to be loved and cared for.
I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind.

This. And stop going to church to pester him.

Honestly OP, fuck him off. He's massively not worth it.

Concentrate on healing yourself and building your new and amazing single life for you and your child.

This.

🤦‍♀️

You're going through a very difficult time. The end of a marriage - even if you wanted it - is a huge upheaval emotionally. It sounds like you have latched on to an idea of what Tony and this new relationship could be, rather than taking time to find out the reality. All quite normal for many people but please try to see it for what it is/was. He isn't your soul mate. You don't need him. You're lonely and feeling unsupported. Do you have friends or family to lean on? I got divorced this year after separating last year and my friends literally restored my faith in myself, humanity, and the future, at a time when I was very very low.

It does get better. Be kind to yourself and be careful of over-romanticising what any new partner might mean. It takes time to really know someone.

I'm ND and I would absolutely shut down in that situation too.

Declarations of love after a few months would freak me out, as would being questioned about my feelings all the time.

Showing up at church to harrass him in person when he ignored your calls and messages is psychotic, and I really don't know how you thought that would go.

It sounds like you've jumped from one relationship to another very quickly and almost transferred your feelings because you needed someone.

My advice would be to learn to be by yourself for at least a year, hopefully more, then you'll find a relationship that's worth it, rather than going from one to the next because you can't be alone.

I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind. leave him alone

That is not at all a good idea. You really must stop this.

I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind.

Don't do this. You're thinking about your wants, when he's making his feelings clear, he is no longer interested. A push up bra and a bit of lippy won't change that.

Thank you.
Everything you've said is the truth and what I need to hear right now .
I'm just having a really hard time accepting it for some reason.

OP, you need to learn to be alone. I know it's hard being alone with a small child, but moving almost directly from a failed marriage to another man is not the answer.

Seek support from your church, and focus on your child.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.*

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him*

If someone id been seeing for only 3 months became this intense I'd back off too. You're coming across as needy and hard work

I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind

Don't do this. Have some self respect for goodness sake. If anything your behaviour is more likely to convince him hes had a lucky escape. Leave the poor guy alone, your behaviour is becoming stalkerish.

You are right, thank you.
God , why am I so pathetic right now ?

You split 6 months ago from your husband and fell in love again that was fast you have an 18 months old baby.
And tonight your going out to stalk him.
You really need to get yourself together op and grow up your a mother acting like a 16 year old that as a crush ffs.
He`s not interested in you hes made that clear by removing him self and i can see why.

Because you are desperate to be loved. You must first love yourself.

You srarted something romantically too soon following the break up of your marriage.
What you have suggested about getting dressed up to entice him back is not a good move. If you also look after your child 24/7 who is going to childmind?
Concentrate on moving on with your life without seeking another relationship for the forseeable future.

Chasing after this man won't make you feel better. I know this from first hand experience. It will further destroy your confidence. Even if he gave it another go your would be riddled with uncertainty regarding his feelings for you. This relationship is over.

It won't be easy (but it will be less painful that chasing this man in the long run) but you need to withdraw from him and try and refocus on yourself and your child.

You’re not being pathetic! Or if you were, I was too - after a traumatic break up I found myself briefly with a childhood old flame - it was totally mad and had no future, I got out but nearly had a breakdown. Taught me that sometimes we just need some time - not alone - but without emotional involvement, before we’re really ready to see what we want and need. Hang in there!