Ghosted and Devastated

[Sadgirl97]

Hello .
I'm here looking for some advice, support and solidarity.

A man I am very much in love with has ghosted me. Leaving me feeling devastated and broken.

Some Background info:

My Husband and I seperated 6 months ago.
It was amicable.
While sad, I was not devastated . We have remained on very good terms. We have an 18 month old son together.

My friend ( let's call him Tony) was there for me duirin this difficult time. We met up regularly and he would call me to check in with me .
I've know Tony about 4 years and we both attend the same church.
Friendship blossomed into romance, and we agreed to start dating about three months ago .

He showered me with affection and kindness at first.
He seemed such a lovely man.
Tony is autistic and struggles greatly with communication/expressing his feelings.
He has never had a relationship before.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.
He would go completely silent and look uncomfortable.
I decided to take him on his actions rather than his words. He lavished affection on me and seemed to light up when we were together.
We talked about our childhoods, our hopes and dreams about everything really.
We made so many plans for the future.

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him.
I have since realised that was a very foolish thing to do, it was way too soon and I have very likely scared him off and sent him running for the hills.
I havn't heard from him since that night I put my heart on the line ( about a week ago) not a phone call, not a message. Radio silence.
He used to call me every night at the same time. I try to call him - he doesn't answer.

I went to church last Sunday , to see him , to get an idea of where I stand . He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I walked in.
when I sat with him after the service he seemed uncomfortable and miserable. Something was very off. I asked him why he hadn't been in touch - he said he'd been very busy but it all sounded like a bunch of excuses.
I asked him to go for walk with me, he said he needed to go home and take a shower. It was the most painful day of my life.

I wish I could take back my declarations of love and my over- the-top behaviour that night.
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'm devastated.
My confidence and self- esteem is in the gutter. My heart hurts constantly. I'm checking my phone every few minutes. I feel like I'm going mad. When I wake up in the morning it hits me like a ton of bricks and I don't want to be here anymore. I do have thoughts of suicide.
I just want him back in my arms . I truly thought I'd found my soul mate.
At the same time , I'm so angry he's ghosted me like this and doesn't have the decency to tell me it's over.

I love him and hate him at the same time . I swing between feeling optimistic and hopefull that he'll get in touch , to being in the depths of despair.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?
I know that's completely the wrong thing to hope for , but my hearts in such pain . I just want him to come back and make me happy again.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to reply.

I wouldn’t be sympathetic towards him for that, because he lied to you about something so huge

@Sadgirl97 "I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind."

I'm really sorry but you're entering 'stalker' territory with your actions. Please leave the poor bloke alone. He clearly can't handle an emotional situation with you, and by turning up where he is, you're probably making him feel harassed and very uncomfortable.

Concentrate on looking after your lovely child and getting used to being single.

Please, just leave Tony alone. My adult son has ASD. If you behaved with him as you have with Tony he would be freaking out. You have been very intense, you are desperate to have someone love you, and it's really too much.
Please get some therapy, your husband lied to you, you need to talk that through and come to terms with that, and learn how to live, happily, by yourself before you can live happily with another.

Glad you’ve seen sense OP - we all have psycho impulses in the throes of a breakup, and need a metaphorical bucket of water throwing over us to make us see sense. It’s great the MN vipers have provided that for you! Hope you start to feel a bit happier soon.

You've had some major emotional stuff to deal with you absolutely need to process all of this properly and rediscover yourself before a new relationship. Dating is very brutal now you need to be completely healed and prepared please give yourself time and kindness. This isn't your fault, it isn't Tony's fault.

Goodness. You sound intense. Repeatedly asking him if he wants to be with you etc.

It's likely you really overwhelmed him and he doesn't know how to respond so ghosted you. That doesn't make it okay but truthfully if someone had put that same amount of pressure on me after only three months I'd be running for the hills too.

I think you really need to learn to be on your own for a while first. You've recently left a marriage, you have young child and you're already leaping head first into something really intense.

Thank you for helping me realise the way I treated Tony was not ok.
I was obsessed . I wasn't thinking about how he felt. I asked him to sleep with me twice, he turned me down and became very uncomfortable. I'm ashamed at how I've acted.
I've got a therapy session in a couple of days so hopefully that will help x

Thank you everyone for all your messages x I have read every single one .
I'm going to send one last message to Tony apologising for my behaviour and then leave it at that.
God bless you all x

Thank you ,
That's very interesting. I'll definitely do some research into autism.
Thank you for validating my desire for wanting closure.
I don't have Tony's address but I'm going to send him a message, apologising and explaining why I got so intense.

You've only been separated from your husband for 6 months and only started seeing 'Tony' 3 months ago. You have rushed into a relationship with another man. In all honesty from your post I see a man who can't express his feelings, finds communication difficult, is emotionally unavailable, and is unable to cope with the realities of an adult relationship. He's completely backed off, and is very clearly now uncomfortable in your company. He doesn't know how to react to your declaration of love. You say yourself that he's never had a relationship. He's got himself into a situation that has, on your part, become very intense, too quickly and overwhelmed him. You need to take a huge step backwards. Leave 'Tony' alone, his reaction is a clear indication that your relationship is too much for him. You need to seek some counselling, to help you sort out your own feelings, but equally to understand why you're hyper-focused on this man and relationship. The intensity of your feelings are over-the-top, for a 3 month relationship. You actually need to stay clear of men, for a good year. Concentrate on your child, enjoy being single, make new friends, and heal from the separation from your husband.

He may have felt overwhelmed by the declaration of love and doesn’t know what this means, what is expected of him, and how to deal with this. So you could explain that part. For example, “I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you by saying I loved you. For me this means that I want to talk to you everyday and hopefully spend my life with you. I hope we can continue with things just the way they were. I wasn’t looking for anything extra from you.” Or something like that. As that can be very scary for an autistic person who hasn’t had a relationship before. Not knowing what is expected of you or how to behave. I would give it a few days or longer before you message him though. He probably needs a break, time to process, and time to miss you.

Thank you x
It was very frustrating he felt unable to communicate the end of the relationship.
I spent days sitting and waiting anxiously.

Haha that's so funny you should say that, as one of the excuses he used was he needed to look after his grandma!

I'm sorry you've had to put up with a stinker , there's a lot of them out there.

He actually fabricated his grandfather's death when he got cold feet about going on holiday together. (I holiday he booked, I should add!)

Arseholes, the lot of them.

Thank you very much for your kind advice.
This is excellent advise and an excellent message template.
I will let you know how/if he responds

blessings x

Thank you so much for your sound advice x
Everything you've said rings completely true.
I'm going to focus on myself and my son and let "Tony" go. I have some therapy scheduled soon so I'm hoping that will help me stabilise and move on x

Oh bless you .
He sounds like an awful waste of space .
I'm so glad you're rid of him . I can tell you're a lovely person and you deserve a real man who would never treat you like that x

You have been through a lot OP, the last few months must have been really tough for you. Not having any support at the moment must be very difficult. You sound like an amazing Mum, don't be so hard on yourself. You are the one looking after your child solely while his other parent is ill. Some of the replies here are quite harsh and you are taking them really well, not feeling sorry for yourself. You will be absolutely fine, take care 🥰

Thank you x you are a sweetheart
I try not to feel sorry for myself as a rule .
I like to be called up on my behaviour as it helps me grow x
I needed a kick up the backside!
Take care x

It sounds as though Tony doesn’t have the emotional maturity for a relationship.

that doesn’t really matter now. Don’t contact him, let him be.

Concentrate on yourself & your little boy you really don’t need or even have time for a romantic relationship at the moment.

Work on your new family unit, just the 2 of you. You are loved, you have your little boy. he’s depending on you to be the best parent you can be especially when his dad is out of the picture .

Thank you. He's being rather slow to show up, unfortunately. Must have got stuck in traffic or something...

You’re not alone, you have you, you were always there.

Be there bigger and larger than ever.

I'm really glad you decided to not take your child out tonight to try and pull Tony 😂 😭 please try and focus on yourself op. This is all too much for so soon after your husband and you're going to scare people off if you're so intense and moving too fast. If you don't appear confident alone and you seem desperate to just be with someone you'll attract the wrong types who go after vulnerable women, often single mums. It's scary parenting alone and lonely at times but you'll get through it and it gets better and easier.

Some of these replies seem quite cruel. I once felt like this when dumped by a boyfriend of a few months. It was massively upsetting and I really longed for him for a good few months, sounds similar to how you feel after BUT, eventually, I did get through it and moved on. As others have said, you have your lovely child to think of now, you need to focus on them and try to move onwards. I would think that counselling of some kind would help you get rid of the feelings and be able to be more present for your child.

I have to agree with this, as I was wincing reading your OP.

I really hope you can access some support, as your behaviour will drive you into a spiral. You need to get well for yours and your son's sakes.

Hi Everyone
just to update :
My Tony returned to me !
I can't tell you how much better I feel . 😊
He says he loves me too !
He couldn't communicate because he was having an autistic freak- out and feeling completely overwhelmed by various things going on in his life ( myself included) .
He's confirmed I completely freaked him out and made him uncomfortable.

We've agreed to take things very slow .
I've promised to keep my behaviour in check .
He's taking me and my son out for the day tommorow.

God bless all you beautiful people. I wish you all the love and all the happiness in the world.