Ghosted and Devastated

[Sadgirl97]

Hello .
I'm here looking for some advice, support and solidarity.

A man I am very much in love with has ghosted me. Leaving me feeling devastated and broken.

Some Background info:

My Husband and I seperated 6 months ago.
It was amicable.
While sad, I was not devastated . We have remained on very good terms. We have an 18 month old son together.

My friend ( let's call him Tony) was there for me duirin this difficult time. We met up regularly and he would call me to check in with me .
I've know Tony about 4 years and we both attend the same church.
Friendship blossomed into romance, and we agreed to start dating about three months ago .

He showered me with affection and kindness at first.
He seemed such a lovely man.
Tony is autistic and struggles greatly with communication/expressing his feelings.
He has never had a relationship before.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.
He would go completely silent and look uncomfortable.
I decided to take him on his actions rather than his words. He lavished affection on me and seemed to light up when we were together.
We talked about our childhoods, our hopes and dreams about everything really.
We made so many plans for the future.

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him.
I have since realised that was a very foolish thing to do, it was way too soon and I have very likely scared him off and sent him running for the hills.
I havn't heard from him since that night I put my heart on the line ( about a week ago) not a phone call, not a message. Radio silence.
He used to call me every night at the same time. I try to call him - he doesn't answer.

I went to church last Sunday , to see him , to get an idea of where I stand . He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I walked in.
when I sat with him after the service he seemed uncomfortable and miserable. Something was very off. I asked him why he hadn't been in touch - he said he'd been very busy but it all sounded like a bunch of excuses.
I asked him to go for walk with me, he said he needed to go home and take a shower. It was the most painful day of my life.

I wish I could take back my declarations of love and my over- the-top behaviour that night.
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'm devastated.
My confidence and self- esteem is in the gutter. My heart hurts constantly. I'm checking my phone every few minutes. I feel like I'm going mad. When I wake up in the morning it hits me like a ton of bricks and I don't want to be here anymore. I do have thoughts of suicide.
I just want him back in my arms . I truly thought I'd found my soul mate.
At the same time , I'm so angry he's ghosted me like this and doesn't have the decency to tell me it's over.

I love him and hate him at the same time . I swing between feeling optimistic and hopefull that he'll get in touch , to being in the depths of despair.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?
I know that's completely the wrong thing to hope for , but my hearts in such pain . I just want him to come back and make me happy again.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to reply.

Have you looked into whether you might also be autistic? This intense focus on one person, romantically, can definitely be an autism thing. He’s your special interest in essence and you want to continue with this as it’s how you feel comfortable. Investigating this might be more fruitful than chasing this man.

That being said I concur with the idea of writing him a letter. Write one first where you let all your feelings spill out so you can process them. Burn that one and rewrite an actual one for him to read. You had an intense 3 month relationship where you talked about a future together so it seems fair to expect a bit of closure. He likely will find it a lot easier to write you a letter than have a conversation.

You need to learn to love yourself and take care of your son. You had help the first few months now it’s time to stand on your own two feet.

OP, you are stalking him. You know he isn’t interested. I’d ghost you too if you were following me around like this. I’d get a restraining order honestly.

Find some self respect OP and definitely don't do this.

In the space of 18 months you've had a baby with your ex-DH, ended that relationship, found a new relationship, fallen (apparently) so madly in love that the end of that relationship has made you feel suicidal. It's all very intense.

Some therapy and time on your own to heal is all you need. Not this man. Leave him be, he's making his feelings clear.

I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind.

You just said you have to look after your son 24/7 with no support.

My Husband has been in a phyciatric hospital for the past four months.

You said you get on well and it was an amicable split.

?

Stop kicking yourself. You did yourself a favour by finding out now he's not ready for a relationship.

Your separation only didn't seem so bad because he was waiting in the wings and supporting you through it. Bit of a turnabout to claim your split was amicable, then say your exH has been in psychiatric care for 4 months!
You've put off dealing with the after effects of separation. What you feel now, is probably what you would of felt then had this man not been around at the time. Separation is initially lonely, as is being in sole care of a DC.

Some facts do not make sense in your story. Who is taking care of your kid ? He ignored you and your reaction is to dress up and go after him ? I would be scared of that kind of attitude

I think the OP is perhaps being a bit over the top, but if "Tony" had had the decency to have a conversation instead of ghosting her I'm sure she'd be dealing with it at least a little less obsessively.

It's amazing how these men suddenly have a desperate need to have a shower, or visit an ailing grandparent, or take an urgent phone call when they're being asked to behave like an adult in a relationship. I've had one like that. Pathetic, cowardly, and totally lacking in moral fibre.

You are very focussed on what you need from him.

perhaps he doesn’t want to be the person who has to give you what you want. Maybe it’s not right for him at the moment.

Oh grow up.

Hi
Thank you for helping me realise that my behaviour has been completely over-the-top and stalkerish.
It's good to hear from someone who is also ND and get some pespective on my behaviour .
You're right; I miss my husband more than I've realised. I miss the life we had and being a family.
I was trying to replace him with Tony.
I honestly desperately want to learn to be alone. My heart is telling me I need to be alone to heal. I'm emotionally exhausted right now.
Posting here and reading these replies is giving me such strength and comfort.
Thank you.

It sounds as if maybe the relationship with Tony was a way of coping with the end of your marriage- you could avoid feeling too much about that because you put all your feelings into the new relationship, and now that that has foundered you are struggling. You will get through this but I’d really encourage to have some time alone and maybe to seek some support for your mental health.

This is true.
My head is in a complete mess .
I'm starting to see that now .

we still care for eachother very much .
He came out as gay and had a breakdown because he couldn't accept it.

Like someone else said earlier, this sounds like transference. This is why you were waaay ahead of him emotionally, but it’s not real. You really need to be on your own for a good while and properly finish your marriage. Not just in words and through determination but give your brain a chance to catch up too.

I was planning on taking my son along with me .

Dear Everyone.
Thank you so much for all your replies . I'm so touched that strangers on the internet have taken the time out of there lives to offer me help and advice.
I have been obsessed. I've been mad. I'm seeing that very clearly now.
I'm not dragging my son out to flaunt myself in front of Tony tonight.
I'm staying here and looking after him.
I have not been a great mom . I've put my son second.
That's going to change . I know I need to focus on him and forget about dating .
His dad has said when he gets out of hospital he's going to be a hands-on dad again and help look after him.
I'm sorry for being so pathetic . I guess my life fell apart and I didn't handle it too well.
My Husband left me and simutainisly revealed he is and always has been gay . That was a big blow and I'm sure i'm still coming to terms with it .

Thank you .
it's good to know you've been in the same boat.
We do mad and desperate things when we are hurting.

You are not pathetic. You've been hurt and you're hurting about another man. Age has nothing to do with heartbreak. Most people feel it more than once and it is not dissimilar whether you are 17 or 47.

Op it sounds like you went straight from one relationship to another. I think that makes you vulnerable. I would feel used if I was in your situation. I think you need to take time away from dating and concentrate on you.

Thank you for your kindness .
writing him a letter could really help me process this and move on .x

You're going to be fine, OP. You just need some breathing space and to properly process the end of your marriage. Finding out that your husband is really gay can't have been easy for you, and it doesn't sound as though it was easy for him either. You've been living with heightened emotions for so long, Tony only distracted you. Now you need to properly FEEL the end of your marriage and straighten your head so you can be the best mum possible to your baby. It will be hard, you're going to have to feel all the emotions, but you will come through. Life will be great again. Just learn not to lean on another man before you've learned how strong you can be alone.

Hi.
it's good to know I'm not alone .
were you also in a headspace where one minute you feel fine - almost happy and the next you incredibly low?
I'm really up and down . The crazy thing is I don't really want a relationship right now , so I don't know why I've been reaching out . I want to be alone with my son . I want to heal.
All the best to you . Glad you're in a better place 😊

I'm taking care of him.
No I havn't been a great mom recently.

My attitude is all wrong . I'm not myself right now.