Ghosted and Devastated

[Sadgirl97]

Hello .
I'm here looking for some advice, support and solidarity.

A man I am very much in love with has ghosted me. Leaving me feeling devastated and broken.

Some Background info:

My Husband and I seperated 6 months ago.
It was amicable.
While sad, I was not devastated . We have remained on very good terms. We have an 18 month old son together.

My friend ( let's call him Tony) was there for me duirin this difficult time. We met up regularly and he would call me to check in with me .
I've know Tony about 4 years and we both attend the same church.
Friendship blossomed into romance, and we agreed to start dating about three months ago .

He showered me with affection and kindness at first.
He seemed such a lovely man.
Tony is autistic and struggles greatly with communication/expressing his feelings.
He has never had a relationship before.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.
He would go completely silent and look uncomfortable.
I decided to take him on his actions rather than his words. He lavished affection on me and seemed to light up when we were together.
We talked about our childhoods, our hopes and dreams about everything really.
We made so many plans for the future.

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him.
I have since realised that was a very foolish thing to do, it was way too soon and I have very likely scared him off and sent him running for the hills.
I havn't heard from him since that night I put my heart on the line ( about a week ago) not a phone call, not a message. Radio silence.
He used to call me every night at the same time. I try to call him - he doesn't answer.

I went to church last Sunday , to see him , to get an idea of where I stand . He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I walked in.
when I sat with him after the service he seemed uncomfortable and miserable. Something was very off. I asked him why he hadn't been in touch - he said he'd been very busy but it all sounded like a bunch of excuses.
I asked him to go for walk with me, he said he needed to go home and take a shower. It was the most painful day of my life.

I wish I could take back my declarations of love and my over- the-top behaviour that night.
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'm devastated.
My confidence and self- esteem is in the gutter. My heart hurts constantly. I'm checking my phone every few minutes. I feel like I'm going mad. When I wake up in the morning it hits me like a ton of bricks and I don't want to be here anymore. I do have thoughts of suicide.
I just want him back in my arms . I truly thought I'd found my soul mate.
At the same time , I'm so angry he's ghosted me like this and doesn't have the decency to tell me it's over.

I love him and hate him at the same time . I swing between feeling optimistic and hopefull that he'll get in touch , to being in the depths of despair.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?
I know that's completely the wrong thing to hope for , but my hearts in such pain . I just want him to come back and make me happy again.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to reply.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you're feeling so low.

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Wishing you the very best 💐
MNHQ

I just can't get over being in a relationship 3 months after you split from your husband.

Plus with a 18 month baby.

Yes I'm autistic too.

OP, the connection you feel when you are using a person to medicate your wounding is way more than you feel with real love. This isn't about him (he sounds like a twat). it's about your own unhealed wounds - therapy will really help. .

A man who is bothered about you doesn't act like a timid woodland creature, easily terrified and needing to be treated with the utmost of care in case a wrong word puts them off.

Hello Everyone.
I'm so sorry I stopped replying.
I've read all your responses and you are all absolutely right. I have been using this man to medicate my pain from my Husband leaving me.
This man - Toby ,( let's use his real name because he's a shit and he doesn't deserve anomity, ) has continued to treat me like something he scraped off his shoe for the last couple of weeks.
The day he stood me up, he showed up three hours late, looking like shit , kept çhecking his phone the whole time he was here and then buggered off three hours later.
He has called me once, I think, for a few minutes.
when I try to call or message him, he doesn't pick up/ reply . He never bothers getting back to me. It's blindingly obvious this man doesn't give a flying fuck about me and I can't believe how pathetic and unwilling to see the truth I've been . I'm sorry everyone , I've finally seen the light . Oh did I mention , since the begginning of our sham "relationship" he's only allowed me to see him once a week for a few hours.... that's not a relationship. I've been depressed and lonely six days a week .
Autism or not this guy is a bastard.
Thank you so much everyone for helping me see what's really going on here.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to help a stranger on the internet. God bless you all.
My Husband gets out of the phyciatric hospital in two days. We've remained very close , he'll be Spain's Christmas here with us .
I'm going to try and stay positive and rebuild my life with my beautiful little boy ❤

Thank you @christmasfluff you are absolutely 100% right x
This man never gave a shit about me.
It's time time to take back control of my life and dump his pathetic arse.
All the best x

Thank you @semiramide and @Hoppitybun You don't know how right you are .
I have been very mentally unstable because of my marriage ending. I didn't let myself feel anything at first . I was kidding myself that I'm fine but I'm not . I am devastated I want to married again . I don't want to be alone . knowing my husband is gay is so hard because I know there's no way back for us and if I'm honest with myself , I do still love him.
He is a very good and kind man . He looked after me so well for four years , I never ever saw this day coming . I thought we were going to be together in till the end 😟
This Toby douche is just a scapegoat .

@Tillow4ever I am 26 , " Tony" is 34 x Thank you for your sage advice . You are absolutely right.

I am going to stay Single for at least a year as everyone has suggested.
I just want to be with my beautiful little boy and cherish him and love him .
I'm also getting counselling which is great and much needed . ❤

You are still so young, OP. You need to give yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship with your ex-husband. Things will get better for you. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness for the future.

This is the best advice ever !
I wish I'd taken it before.
I'm finally going to " fuck him off " tonight .
Will update on how that goes .
He's definitely not worth it.
actually feeling a bit stronger now I know this clown will be out of my life soon .

Read that book I recommended - Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. You can get it very cheaply from World of Books. I'm sure you'll find it useful. 💐

Thank you @semiramide will do x

You sound more upset about this breakup than the one with your husband, which is strange, especially as he's your child's dad.

@spidey66 I agree . It is strange.
I don't think I'm perhaps still in shock at my marriage ending.

Really pleased you have seen what we all saw! I was honestly expecting you to say younger - a 34 year old man with no relationship history is a red flag in itself! He’s never going to commit to someone, and likely doesn’t want to. You are well rid of him.

good luck!

@Sadgirl97 it’s not so abnormal. After I had LTR break down, I got briefly involved with someone unstable and that was what pushed me to the brink. The main thing is that you now know it’s not right, you can put it behind you and give yourself some time to readjust. Stay strong - and if you wobble, just shout out!

I called him - No answer.
It's the third day he's been if ignoring me now. Do I just consider myself dumped?
I was planning to end it anyway, but why is he hiding away like a coward . Why can't he just to me ? Even a text would do, two words: It's over. That would be so much more decent than ignoring me and hoping I'll go away.

I get this. I lost my male best friend years ago in a similar way - it hurt so much and all I wanted was to understand why he went from one night telling me he wanted to be with me, go on holiday with me, talked about me going to work where he worked to the next day refusing to take my calls/texts and just completely disappearing from my life. He’d been my best friend for nearly 8 years and we’d been through a lot over that time. Anyway, I drove myself crazy wondering what was going on and why he couldn’t just tell me straight. Even all these years later I still think about him and the situation from time to time and wonder wtf happened! You will likely never get the answers you are looking for from him OP. Do what I should have - block him and walk away head held high. He is not worth your head space!

You're never going to get the satisfaction of actually dumping him if he's ignoring your calls and texts. Liberate yourself by blocking him on everything so you are the one doing the ghosting! Then crack on building a lovely life for you and your little boy.

Just let it go! Seriously, block and move on: You might feel like you need closure from him, but really it doesn’t matter and it won’t help .
Don’t expect him to act ‘normal’.
Come on, girl - you’ve had some serious crap in your young life but you’ve done so well, you’ve started the walk back, don’t look over your shoulder now, just keep walking.

Why are you chasing him?

OP just stop.

You need to let this go. And I mean actually truthfully let it go. Writing words on a page about how he is this and that doesn't mean you are letting it go.

Actions...

You are whatever you repeatedly do. So change that and drop the rope.

There is a poor defenceless, innocent and frightened little boy whose whole world has just been blown apart and he really needs his mummy.

This thread is a total journey. Op, block him. Forget him. He's not worth any of your time. You don't need to get the last word in or say things to him. It's just going to continue the drama.

Step away and please focus on yourself and your little boy. This guy is just trouble and he hasn't treated you fairly. Keep your dignity intact - chin up, block. Gone. Done.

Focus - soon. Self care. ❤️

You know how cats play with their prey then lose interest when they are dead? But if they were just dying/fainted and then move a bit, the cat pounces and plays with them again? This is Toby and men like him.

It's nothing to do with autism and everything to do with being a horrible human being who preys on others for entertainment. He won't dump you, because he can still use you.

Block him everywhere and forget him. There is nothing you can say that will make him feel bad, or wake him up to himself, and there is nothing you need to say. Just be done with him.