Ghosted and Devastated

[Sadgirl97]

Hello .
I'm here looking for some advice, support and solidarity.

A man I am very much in love with has ghosted me. Leaving me feeling devastated and broken.

Some Background info:

My Husband and I seperated 6 months ago.
It was amicable.
While sad, I was not devastated . We have remained on very good terms. We have an 18 month old son together.

My friend ( let's call him Tony) was there for me duirin this difficult time. We met up regularly and he would call me to check in with me .
I've know Tony about 4 years and we both attend the same church.
Friendship blossomed into romance, and we agreed to start dating about three months ago .

He showered me with affection and kindness at first.
He seemed such a lovely man.
Tony is autistic and struggles greatly with communication/expressing his feelings.
He has never had a relationship before.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.
He would go completely silent and look uncomfortable.
I decided to take him on his actions rather than his words. He lavished affection on me and seemed to light up when we were together.
We talked about our childhoods, our hopes and dreams about everything really.
We made so many plans for the future.

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him.
I have since realised that was a very foolish thing to do, it was way too soon and I have very likely scared him off and sent him running for the hills.
I havn't heard from him since that night I put my heart on the line ( about a week ago) not a phone call, not a message. Radio silence.
He used to call me every night at the same time. I try to call him - he doesn't answer.

I went to church last Sunday , to see him , to get an idea of where I stand . He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I walked in.
when I sat with him after the service he seemed uncomfortable and miserable. Something was very off. I asked him why he hadn't been in touch - he said he'd been very busy but it all sounded like a bunch of excuses.
I asked him to go for walk with me, he said he needed to go home and take a shower. It was the most painful day of my life.

I wish I could take back my declarations of love and my over- the-top behaviour that night.
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'm devastated.
My confidence and self- esteem is in the gutter. My heart hurts constantly. I'm checking my phone every few minutes. I feel like I'm going mad. When I wake up in the morning it hits me like a ton of bricks and I don't want to be here anymore. I do have thoughts of suicide.
I just want him back in my arms . I truly thought I'd found my soul mate.
At the same time , I'm so angry he's ghosted me like this and doesn't have the decency to tell me it's over.

I love him and hate him at the same time . I swing between feeling optimistic and hopefull that he'll get in touch , to being in the depths of despair.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?
I know that's completely the wrong thing to hope for , but my hearts in such pain . I just want him to come back and make me happy again.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to reply.

@schoolsoutforever Thank you ☺
It's good to hear from someone who's had the same reaction to a (relatively) short relationship ending.
I think we just have a much stronger connection with some partners- regardless of how long the relationship has been.
So glad to hear you're feeling better now and have come out the other side. x

My advice would be to take things really slow op. You need to concentrate on your child. He's so young, and all this could be really confusing for him. He should be your priority.

Stop!!
You’re going to end up coming across as a stalker. He knows what you look like dressed up or not it’s your behaviour that is the problem.

Please be careful

can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back

No. Just no.

I was desperate to be loved and cared for.

Thats not how life works. You must learn to love yourself and do what it takes to care for yourself. Counselling might be a good idea.

I'm going somewhere I know Tony wil be tonight, dressed up in the hope he'll notice me and change his mind.

No!!!!

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?

You want years and years of this? He isn’t the person you want or need and you aren’t the right person for him.

This^^

I'm sorry you're feeling so low op, but I think you need to be single for a good while. Focus on your little child who is missing one parent as he can't be around. Now you, the only parent he has around at the moment, are getting extremely down and over the top over a man who you don't really know and who doesn't seen to want a relationship with you. Please forget about him and work on your own life and looking after your dc

OP how old are you and Tony?

Why has he been introduced to your son after just 3 months of a relationship - you don't know this guys address but he's met your toddler?

You are moving far, far too fast. It's fine to date - but you should not be introducing your child to a new partner this early. Your child has not seen his dad in 4 months because he's been in the psychiatric hospital. He needs YOU and your full attention and love. He doesn't need to play second fiddle to some guy.

Please reflect on this and think about how to put your son first. You don't have to stop dating, but you really should consider how your decisions and actions will affect him!

OP, I just read your posts and your update about Tony coming back. I say this with kindness and experience; honestly, it all sounds too much and unhealthy. I get it, I do.

When my exH left, I got involved with someone new within a couple of months. I was feeling worthless and that made me vulnerable. It also made me intense and emotional. I behaved in ways I’m ashamed of, especially when that relationship ended. In some ways, the pain felt worse than the end of my marriage, but in hindsight that’s because my heart had never had time to heal. So it was doubly broken, if that makes any sense. My self-worth had found a new low.

Though I was lonely and it was difficult, I decided to be single for a year. Focus on my child, re-connect with friends, have therapy, remind myself of who I was and what lit me up, outside of a relationship. It meant that when I did feel ready to date again, I did it feeling confident in who I was and what I wanted. It wasn’t just because I was scared to be on my own.

I wish you well, I really do. We all deserve love and happiness. But sometimes, we need the space to find that by ourselves. To remember who we are. I know it’s not easy and your circumstances sound tough. But if things don’t work out with Tony, it could give you the space you need to find peace and strength, if you allow it.

Good luck. I hope you find your happiness again.

I think you should end things with Tony again, OP. You're not in a good place, it's far too soon after the end of your marriage, you're lonely, needy and insecure (understandably), and Tony, as demonstrated by his response to your declaration, doesn't have the capacity to cope with that. He just happened to be there and you latched onto him. I would take much longer out to be single before I even contemplated dating in your shoes.

And, actually, I agree with all of this. None of this sounds good for you.

You've introduced this man to your son after only three months? OP this is desperately unhealthy and inappropriate. Your child is not a prop in your love life. He needs stability and a parent who can put his needs ahead of whatever love interest they have at the time. You're not currently doing that. Introducing this man to a toddler who has recently had to adjust to their father leaving is madness.

They're both right I'm afraid. I know it probably feels like you just need someone to hold you tight and bang your brains out but you'd be so much better off single for a while

He never showed up for our date.

I'm in unbearable agony . I've been crying all day , i feel like im dying.

I should have listened to you all , im so sorry .
I honestly wish i was dead right now. I spend hours getting dressed up, doing my hair to then sit here feeling utterly rejected.

I've never known pain like this .
I've massaged him but no response.

I'm sorry you're hurting, @Sadgirl97, but this is probably the best thing that could have happened, because it will prevent much more serious future hurt down the road. Neither of you are in a position to be in a relationship. He's not an appropriate person for you to latch on to when you're hurt and insecure after the end of your marriage. A neurotypical person would be likely to struggle with your strong feelings and hearing that you're deeply in love with them three months in, with your ex in a psychiatric hospital and you visibly in crisis, and having far too many expectations on this relationship. And Tony just isn't able for this. You need to find a different way of coping.

It might not be that he doesn't care about you, but he felt it way to overwhelming to be confronted with the L word. If you've not slept together etc it may have taken him totally by surprise. He's not good with emotional sharing clearly. You said what you said. It's done now.
Just move on and don't be ashamed that you told someone your true feelings about them. But maybe next time wait until the other person definitely had strong feelings and verbalised them, before jumping into 'love' talk.

I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now. Hopefully with time you will see why this was/is the best thing to have happened.

I am concerned though about your mental health right now. You’ve had to deal with the end of your marriage, finding out that your husband is gay, your husband being admitted to a psychiatric facility, becoming a single mum to a toddler and then a whirlwind relationship with a guy who couldn’t give you what you needed emotionally. This is enough to try even the strongest person! You make statements like you wish you were dead - do you feel suicidal? If so, please call someone for help immediately. Your toddler needs you, and they need you to healthy. I would advise a GP appointment for depression and possibly anxiety, and if you are suicidal call the Samaritans if you don’t feel you can talk to a family member or friend.

Try to put Tony to the back of your mind and look at working on just learning to be yourself again. You don’t need a man to feel worthy - you ARE worthy. You are deserving of love and happiness. I think you should hold off dating for a while based on your latest update. Take the time to focus on you and your son. If this is the toll it’s had on you, imagine how confused your son must be feeling right now.

Good luck and please call someone today if you feel suicidal.

@Sadgirl97

You've had a lot-a lot- going on in 18 months. You've had your son, your husband has come out as gay, had a breakdown and spent 4 months in inpatient psychiatric care, which indicates that he's been very unwell. You say you have little support. You've developed feelings very fast for a ND man who has never been in a relationship before.

You said upthread that you hadn't been the best Mum you could because of all this and (IMO correctly) that the thing with Tony was a distraction from the feelings around the end of your marriage. I honestly don't think matters will get easier with Tony and I think that would be the case had you waited much longer to tell him of your feelings. If you pursue this, you will continue on a rollercoaster that is damaging for you and your little boy. Please talk to your GP about how you feel and see if you can access counselling to help you come to terms with all thats happened.

Most importantly, put your son first because he needs you and he needs you to be strong.

This.
This is the most apt example of bullet-dodging I have ever seen on here.

Oh sweetheart I've been there (both holding the fort at home because of a mentally ill partner, and being dumped after saying "I love you.")
It will hurt like absolute hell. I think people underestimate how painful these breakups of "short" relationships can be.
I was a mess for a good few months, which was made worse by trying to stay friends and remain in contact. I healed a lot faster once I stopped all contact.
I also realised that he wasn't nearly as emotionally available as he had said he was and it was very much for the best that it didn't work out. 7 months later I'm in a much better place and genuinely enjoying being single. It gets really really annoying when people tell you to just focus on yourself and not look for anyone to be with, and I think it's something I had to learn for myself.. it took me almost five years after my relationship with my son's dad ended, but I've got there!
Sending love x

This is so sad, @Alwaystired23 ...... and infuriating at the same time.

Please read this:

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/women-who-love-too-much-book-robin-norwood-9780099474128

I'm sure it will help you.

@Semiramide isn’t it just. She doesn’t want to live because of some guy she’s been with for a few months but at the same time she has an 18 month old who only has one parent in the picture right now. I hope this isn’t true.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?

No.

1. it can't be done - if he wanted to be with you he would be
2. you don't need a love-bomber in your life
3. it wouldn't help you to have him back

Instead
4) Gather your dignity. Don't mention your declarations to him. If he brings up the subject - ever- say 'Oh yes, I remember. I was so wrong!'
5) Move on with your life. Every time he enters your mind, push him out again. Get busy, keep busy.
6) Be wary, in future. Look after yourself.

I'm sorry you are so upset. I don't think he is the right person for you, but that will be difficult to see at the moment. I was treated terribly by someone once. He messed me around so much. When I look back now, I can see it wasn't him I wanted. It was the security. You should concentrate on yourself and your son.

Is this a wind up ? You feel suicidal over a 3 month relationship and you have a young baby to look after ? Please op cop yourself on and focus on yourself and your little one please .