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Original poster

Ghosted and Devastated

137 replies

Sadgirl97 · 03/12/2024 12:53

Hello .
I'm here looking for some advice, support and solidarity.

A man I am very much in love with has ghosted me. Leaving me feeling devastated and broken.

Some Background info:

My Husband and I seperated 6 months ago.
It was amicable.
While sad, I was not devastated . We have remained on very good terms. We have an 18 month old son together.

My friend ( let's call him Tony) was there for me duirin this difficult time. We met up regularly and he would call me to check in with me .
I've know Tony about 4 years and we both attend the same church.
Friendship blossomed into romance, and we agreed to start dating about three months ago .

He showered me with affection and kindness at first.
He seemed such a lovely man.
Tony is autistic and struggles greatly with communication/expressing his feelings.
He has never had a relationship before.

I would ask him " do you want to be with me " and "do you have feelings for me ", he couldn't answer me.
He would go completely silent and look uncomfortable.
I decided to take him on his actions rather than his words. He lavished affection on me and seemed to light up when we were together.
We talked about our childhoods, our hopes and dreams about everything really.
We made so many plans for the future.

The last night I saw him, I told him I loved him.
I have since realised that was a very foolish thing to do, it was way too soon and I have very likely scared him off and sent him running for the hills.
I havn't heard from him since that night I put my heart on the line ( about a week ago) not a phone call, not a message. Radio silence.
He used to call me every night at the same time. I try to call him - he doesn't answer.

I went to church last Sunday , to see him , to get an idea of where I stand . He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I walked in.
when I sat with him after the service he seemed uncomfortable and miserable. Something was very off. I asked him why he hadn't been in touch - he said he'd been very busy but it all sounded like a bunch of excuses.
I asked him to go for walk with me, he said he needed to go home and take a shower. It was the most painful day of my life.

I wish I could take back my declarations of love and my over- the-top behaviour that night.
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'm devastated.
My confidence and self- esteem is in the gutter. My heart hurts constantly. I'm checking my phone every few minutes. I feel like I'm going mad. When I wake up in the morning it hits me like a ton of bricks and I don't want to be here anymore. I do have thoughts of suicide.
I just want him back in my arms . I truly thought I'd found my soul mate.
At the same time , I'm so angry he's ghosted me like this and doesn't have the decency to tell me it's over.

I love him and hate him at the same time . I swing between feeling optimistic and hopefull that he'll get in touch , to being in the depths of despair.

Please can people give me some advice on how to salvage this and win him back ?
I know that's completely the wrong thing to hope for , but my hearts in such pain . I just want him to come back and make me happy again.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
NestaArcheron · 11/12/2024 10:47

Op. Please stop. You need to get yourself some help and focus on your child. You are putting an unreasonable amount of pressure on this man who is Neurodivergent and isn't able to handle the way you are behaving right now. I understand you are hurt and longing to be loved, but you have come on way too strongly for this man. Please leave him alone, and focus on your child and getting yourself some help.

Original poster
Sadgirl97 · 11/12/2024 15:24

Hello Everyone 😊
I've finally blocked his number . It is done.
I honestly hope I never see him again.

In the space of three months he's made me utterly miserable.
@ChristmasFluff I love your analogy of the cat playing with it's prey, that's EXACTLY how he's treated me! He's not worth any more thought. I'm moving on with my life.
You are all right ; I have a beautiful innocent, loving little boy who needs me.
I'm going to love and cherish him and let this loser fall by the wayside where he belongs .
@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits you are right , I am my actions, Just as he is his.
@Tillow4ever I'm so sorry you went through that . 8 years and he just disappears from your life ... that must have been so painful for you . That
"man" did not deserve to know you .
What is it with these men ? How can they feel ok about treating us like dirt ?
Thank you , I've blocked this loser now . I pray neither of us ever have to deal with this again .
Blessings to all of you out there, Thank you for helping me through this mess xxx

OP posts:
XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 11/12/2024 15:38

I'd run a mile as well. Leave the man alone, stop obsessing over him. It's not healthy and you sound in need of therapy.

You keep calling him all these names but I'm sorry you probably left him no choice to ghost you. It was probably easier than telling you to your face. You and only you let him treat you like this.

Starlight1979 · 11/12/2024 16:08

Sadgirl97 · 10/12/2024 13:51

I am going to stay Single for at least a year as everyone has suggested.
I just want to be with my beautiful little boy and cherish him and love him .
I'm also getting counselling which is great and much needed . ❤

Until "Tony" gets in touch again 🙄

Wistfuller · 11/12/2024 16:40

Sadgirl97 · 11/12/2024 15:24

Hello Everyone 😊
I've finally blocked his number . It is done.
I honestly hope I never see him again.

In the space of three months he's made me utterly miserable.
@ChristmasFluff I love your analogy of the cat playing with it's prey, that's EXACTLY how he's treated me! He's not worth any more thought. I'm moving on with my life.
You are all right ; I have a beautiful innocent, loving little boy who needs me.
I'm going to love and cherish him and let this loser fall by the wayside where he belongs .
@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits you are right , I am my actions, Just as he is his.
@Tillow4ever I'm so sorry you went through that . 8 years and he just disappears from your life ... that must have been so painful for you . That
"man" did not deserve to know you .
What is it with these men ? How can they feel ok about treating us like dirt ?
Thank you , I've blocked this loser now . I pray neither of us ever have to deal with this again .
Blessings to all of you out there, Thank you for helping me through this mess xxx

OP, while it's good that you've blocked him, I think you need to take some responsibility for this. It's only a few months since your marriage ended, you're clearly in a bad place, and in no way ready for a relationship, and only three months after the traumatic end of your marriage you started dating a man you knew was autistic, struggled with communication and expectations, had never had a relationship before, and would only agree to see you once a week for a few hours, yet you went all full-on with him, declaring your love, planning your future together, and blaming him when he couldn't cope.

I don't think there's any point in you calling him names.

NestaArcheron · 11/12/2024 17:24

You really must take some responsibility for this op! You love bombed this man you knew was autistic and then when it was clear he was struggling you went back again. You are as culpable as he is, to be honest if not more so. I don't think it's healthy to be blaming him at all when you will likely do this again until you get help.

fraughtcouture · 11/12/2024 20:32

NestaArcheron · 11/12/2024 17:24

You really must take some responsibility for this op! You love bombed this man you knew was autistic and then when it was clear he was struggling you went back again. You are as culpable as he is, to be honest if not more so. I don't think it's healthy to be blaming him at all when you will likely do this again until you get help.

This! You have more red flags than him. It doesn't help you to rewrite history with him the villain.

Concentrate on your son. I can't believe you spent a whole day focusing on getting ready for a date with this man (who then cancelled!) was your son just left to watch you! You can hardly be present for him, the amount you are obsessing over this man, who obviously does not want a relationship!

SquirrelSoShiny · 12/12/2024 18:16

Are you neurodivergent OP? Any diagnosis of anything? Because I'm wondering about BPD / EUPD or autism if I'm honest. You are completely unhealthily attached to this man but he's not there to be your lifeboat. Look into limerence.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/12/2024 18:54

You are not pathetic at all. The fact that your ex is so poorly will be weighing on your mind so much.
You have wanted to escape those feelings and feel better about yourself and Tony felt like an answer.
But Tony is an individual with his own set of issues and problems.
It is not particularly him you love more what he could represent - rescuing you from yourself and your current situation and that’s not fair on him.
You are going to keep breaking your own heart thinking you can get dressed up and go somewhere to win him back.
What you need is some stability in your life for you and your child because if you have been suicidal it’s actually not fair on Tony to pursue a relationship with him.
The validation you are seeking from him won’t fix you.
Only you can do that.

Shiningout · 13/12/2024 20:02

Bloody hell op. I don't think I'm convinced by your comments about deciding to stay single for a year and never speak to Tony again etc. You seem very dramatic, like all or nothing. It really shouldn't be so much drama it was a few weeks relationship. You have a child and you are obsessing over a bloke a few months after splitting from your husband.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 14/12/2024 15:12

When you are struggling for a long time alone, unsupported, and feeling like you're drowning then sometimes a piece of red and white plastic floating by looks like a life belt. You grab onto it for dear life, but it isn't a lifebelt. It's just a normal piece of plastic, so it goes under. You have to let go even though you feel like you're drowning because hanging onto the submerging plastic makes things worse.

Then it bobs up on the top again and you see it and you cry out in relief and grab it again ... Only for it to go under again. And again.

At this point, lovely, you need to give up on the plastic and start concentrating on doing the breast stroke for yourself and the little one you're trying to keep above water too.

Humans desperately need other people to feel like they belong; we aren't solitary leopards coming together only to mate, we need to be part of a small pack. Realising that you're on your own, specially after struggling for some time and being worried sick about your husband, leaves you utterly adrift. But sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and accept that for a time, you're not going to be part of a close pack and you have to, well, just get on with it.

Give the pain a place, and look up limerance. What you're going through isn't unique, it happens when you feel desperately alone and someone comes along who shows a bit of kindness. It's human. But the only way to deal with it is by acknowledging to yourself how painful it is, and keep breathing through it. Meditation can actually help with it.

One foot in front of the other and count three blessings every day. Seriously, it helps keep perspective.

Shiningout · 14/12/2024 17:12

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 14/12/2024 15:12

When you are struggling for a long time alone, unsupported, and feeling like you're drowning then sometimes a piece of red and white plastic floating by looks like a life belt. You grab onto it for dear life, but it isn't a lifebelt. It's just a normal piece of plastic, so it goes under. You have to let go even though you feel like you're drowning because hanging onto the submerging plastic makes things worse.

Then it bobs up on the top again and you see it and you cry out in relief and grab it again ... Only for it to go under again. And again.

At this point, lovely, you need to give up on the plastic and start concentrating on doing the breast stroke for yourself and the little one you're trying to keep above water too.

Humans desperately need other people to feel like they belong; we aren't solitary leopards coming together only to mate, we need to be part of a small pack. Realising that you're on your own, specially after struggling for some time and being worried sick about your husband, leaves you utterly adrift. But sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and accept that for a time, you're not going to be part of a close pack and you have to, well, just get on with it.

Give the pain a place, and look up limerance. What you're going through isn't unique, it happens when you feel desperately alone and someone comes along who shows a bit of kindness. It's human. But the only way to deal with it is by acknowledging to yourself how painful it is, and keep breathing through it. Meditation can actually help with it.

One foot in front of the other and count three blessings every day. Seriously, it helps keep perspective.

That's a lovely post and so true actually. I got with someone soon after splitting from my daughter's father and really deep down I knew it was because I was so scared of being alone especially as a single parent. But then having a few years being single I now know I can do it and thrive, I don't need anyone, and I'm now in a relationship that's right for me and healthy but I don't ever feel like I NEED him if that makes sense.

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