DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

’should have a joint account’ 🤣🤨

This is perfect.

This is a great way to bring it up.

It's awful that your husband would do this to you and your kids. Hope you get it sorted soon ❤️

So his wages take you out of range for child benefit - yet your earnings are not out of range for child benefit.

Do you work full time and do you have prospects? Id start to look at that I the NY and start being selfish

make sure its a true 50/50 split of housework, homework help etc along with laundry and child care

If this means he has to start taking the children to school etc then so be it

In our house all money is family money and goes into one pot. We then just spend as we like but if a big purchase we check with the other.

Would you be willing to stop paying for holidays and house renovations? Sometimes it's necessary to make a change to work out who someone is.
Kids survive fine without holidays so you shouldn't feel too guilty about not paying for these.

Surely holidays and Christmas and household maintenance are part of joint expenses.

Maybe frame it as costs all round are going up, need to review contributions to joint account so that it covers all expenses . I can't afford to put more than £x extra in otherwise I will have nothing left at all.

We should have the same money left over after expenses , so you need to increase by £y.

Or we need to work out how to reduce expenditure

That's not nice at all. I also get a very nice annual bonus which pays for our holidays for the next year and anything else that's needed be that car fixing, doing up the garden, decorating etc but I wouldn't feel right just spending it on myself. It feels like "fun money" I wouldn't otherwise have so we plan together what we'll spend it on and go from there when it arrives.

You are totally justified - the people I know who get bonuses have them earmarked for projects like special family holidays, home improvements, or paying down significant debt like mortgages. In other words - it all goes to the family, not the person. Your husband is being a total dick.

This. Apart from on Mumsnet, I have never met any couple who don't just pool all money and treat as family money.

@Hotflushesandchilblains couldn't agree more 🤣

Hmm, presumably you are a lower earner due in part to the time taken out of your working career to raise children? Who does most of childcare and household chores? Let me guess...
In your situation I would try to raise and discuss the matter rationally as previous posters have suggested. If that failed, I would try to ensure everything is 'fair' and 60/40 in the opposite direction given he wants this so much. i.e. you do 60% of chores only, 60% of life admin and childcare only, you catch my drift. 50/50 for anything out of the day to day split too.
I would also prioritise building up savings, on the basis I would expect to need it. So this would mean no holidays - sorry I can't afford it, go out for a meal, a show - sorry can't afford to pay 50% of cost so can't go. Obviously this is no way to exist in a marriage, I understand that and where this approach might lead. Having said that, currently he does not pay the natural consequences for his choices - give him some and see how he likes them. At the moment I suspect he has his cake and eats it too.

I am the far higher earner in our relationship. Everything goes in a joint account and bills are paid from that. We have an 'allowance' that we put in our own accounts that we use for 'no questions asked' fun things for ourselves, it's the same anount. We have joint savings that we agree what we spend (ie big Florida holiday next year) I work far longer hours than my DP and he does more on the home front than I do. We are a partnership and it is all shared. I got a bonus in November and we agreed what it would be spent on. What your husband is doing is unfair and sneaky. If you were to split up (if married which I think you are) - half of it is likely to be deemed as yours anyway but be wary about where he is putting it.

Everything we earn goes into the same joint account and bills and mortgage, food etc comes out of that. We have the same monthly spending money, irrespective of how much we earn or don't. Any bonuses go into joint savings accounts for school fees, long term projects mostly. We try to save for things like holidays out of day to day spending.

Over 15 years of marriage I've considerably out earned my husband. I don't think it's a good marriage if you are not sharing life together and everything in it. For one there is often little logic behind which jobs get significantly more income than others. He always pulls his weight so I guess I am not resentful that I am doing everything and he is just cashing in.

You've had some good advice. I would take it.

I would also start putting money aside into savings as "essential". So big "essential" stuff for life and the house will simply have to wait. If that means you can't afford to go on holiday then so be it. Otherwise where will you be by the time you retire.

Haha, my husband's bonus is barely in his bank account before I'm taking it out to put into ISAs, top up pensions etc. All our finances are shared and transparent.

The difference in responses between this thread and the one below is quite illuminating

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5222657-why-is-my-money-his-money

Mine gets a substantial bonus and he tops up both our ISAs, we agree on house stuff and holidays for the next year and then I encourage him to buy something for himself usually a watch, from his bonus which he refers to as ours.

I have for the majority of our marriage been the one earning more and getting bonuses.
I may treat myself to something but those bonuses usually go on household expenses eg new bathrooms, towards a new car etc. I do also put money in my pension to be more tax efficient so he maybe doing that but I would always discuss with my DH.
Day to day expenses we don’t split 50/50
either, he pays into the account a varying amount as he’s self employed but makes a fair contribution. You need a serious discussion, you’re quite right to feel aggrieved.

Yeah , this made me chuckle too. Me and DH have never had a joint account. Works for us.

Well, he earns about three times what I do, plus a bonus, and it all goes in a joint account which we spend from equally.

And we’re not even married.

This is unfair and wrong on so so many levels.
My and DH have been together for 10 years.
I have always been the higher earner but everything we earn goes into a joint account we us both taking a set sum. HOWEVER my set sum is always higher than his. I.e. This month he took 150 and I took 400. Why? Because I pay for all the stuff he forgets. This month, in the last 3 days alone, I have paid a PCN before it doubled of his, bought him new work shoes he desperately needed, paid for school performance we are both attending and took his car for the weekly shop and topped it full of petrol. I do most of the life admin and will naturally pay for things for him so its always worked for us. Plus I book all the holidays and the direct debit is also set up from my personal account. Likewise hell do bits for me as and when needed - he sorts my supplements out and ive run low on lions mane mushroom and ashwaganda so hes ordered them and paid for them. We wouldnt dream of asking the other as its all give and take.

Money comes out joint account for most things and we spend on each other freely. If me or him need something extra that can wait until the next payday then it is popped onto a calendar entry called payday that exists on the 1st of every month. i.e. this month i was having 3 not 2 therapy sessions so that went on there and he also needed new glasses so that went on there. They are paid before we take our share of spending money.

Oh OP. I'm sorry. My ExH was exactly like this. His money was his money and his bonus was his and his alone. It goes without saying that he was mean and selfish in every other aspect of life and is why I divorced him very quickly.

Current DH couldn't be more different. He's kind, thoughtful and generous. We earn roughly the same amount but every single year, he would always, always use his bonus to take us away on holiday.

Be prepared for your DH to respond in a not so pleasant manner if you do challenge the status quo. Stay firm, and be prepared to have to continue to repeat your expectations of him until he finally gets it. You're supposed to be a family unit. There's no longer 'his money ' and 'your money'

At least, I do hope he does get it. Tell him a divorce would cost him a whole lot more.

Do you discuss this with people in real life?

The way me and DH manage our money is odd in the extreme, but it works for us. It just kinda chaotic, I pay for some stuff he pays for other stuff. If one of us ends up short for some reason we just transfer some over to them.

The only other friend who has talked to me about this could be the OP otoh.

I’m amazed that no one else pays bonuses into their pension also. If you earn 100k and get a 10k bonus you’d only get 4k of it otherwise. If you have children marginal rate between 60 and 80 is also big due to child benefit. This used to be 50-60k.

Apart from on Mumsnet, I have never "met" so many people who know so much about their friends finances...

Cross posted.