DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

Wow. There are few things more unattractive to me than someone that’s mean with money. He earns loads more than you yet you split 50:50? Madness.

And the bonus? My husband gets a bonus every year. Not a huge one, about 7k net. He always spends it on a holiday for the 2 of us. Even if he didn’t, it’s unthinkable that he’d keep it for himself.

Just think how much you'd get if you divorced him...

You should absolutely not be paying half if your earnings aren't equal, it should be proportionate and should also take into account how much for the mental load/childcare/housework you are doing.

Haven't read the whole thread but my DH is a v high earner (six figures) - he works crazy hours in a global role, remotely from home but has to travel a fair bit. I work part time in a much lower paid local authority job, which works flexibly around our DD.

He gets bonuses twice a year and always gives me a fair chunk of money to do with what I wish. I get no bonuses as I work for a LA 😂. His view is that I enable him to do his 'big' career job by working flexibly in a lower paid job, so that bonus is as much mine as his. A large proportion will also go into savings for our DD, paying off mortgage/credit cards etc, booking holidays and he will also treat himself.

We have a joint account that I pay a small amount into but he pays in significantly more to cover mortgage, bills, holidays and other large spends. My income pays all my own bills such as phone, car etc, plus I do most food shopping and pay for DD's clubs, clothes, school trips, etc.

I think it is tough to make changes now when you've been operating this way for many years as his 'mine vs yours' attitude will be very deeply ingrained, but I think you need a come to Jesus talk about your finances. Miserliness is a VERY unattractive quality in a husband.

I dream about what it would be like to excitedly book something together and look forward to doing things without worrying about how I'll pay my half.

I have a badly distorted attitude to money because of him. It's been like this forever and he'll never change.

I don't want to grow old with him. Trying to leave for years but have nowhere to go and can't afford to buy him out of the house so on it goes.

Thanks again everyone.

If your husband is keeping parts of his salary away from you he is essentially financially abusing you.
It is not always 'abuse', that is quite a strong word, but essentially I would agree with you for first marriages, especially when there are children - finances should be shared and each partner have similar spending money.

However, second marriages with children from preceding marriages may need a different approach. This is where the joint current account for household costs and proportional % contributions really work.

@skippy67 @Teateaandmoretea

That's fair, and it is obviously working for you.

I suppose my statement that every married couple with kids should have a joint account is a bit extreme, but to me it seems the easier option of the 2.

I don't have the mental load of "are the bills still split equally", "why am I paying this bill that's been increased", "does one of us have more free money"?
These Qs won't apply at all times, but they're completely avoided when there's a joint account.

Thinking about it more though, I know one couple whereby the husband is a big spender (computer equipment for gaming, clothes, gadgets, booze etc.) and in this case I think she'd be better off keeping her savings away from him. :/

OP

He is financially abusing you here and I dare say he is not just solely financially abusive either. How is he with you day to day?. He regards his money as his and his alone and this 50:50 arrangement is unfair. Ultimately he does not want to share.

I would start thinking about your marriage and whether or not you want to remain in it.

No children. But DH earns substantially more and gets regular bonuses I have no view of, so similar set up.

We tend to split bills 50/50 though DH covers slightly more electric to cover a few bits of his.

But other expenses, large ones (over a few hundred) will come out of joint savings, but mainly he will largely cover them with no expectation from me. Dinners out, he pays. We're in TX Max, both have stuff and head to the tills, he pays.

If you are a family and married then I expect him being able to do well at work and get the higher salary and bonus comes at the expense of being able to do more at the home - and isn't he going to work to at least in part provide for the family as well as himself?

My partner is self employed so things are up and down, we do have our issues and money is something we can argue about but when we are struggling with money we are both careful/ struggling together and when he gets paid a lot he is very happy to be able to make our family life better paying bills, holidays, ect they way your finances are split and your husband sees the money as just his doesn't seem like you are 100% in it as a team, you shouldn't have to be struggling with your money while he has loads. Does he want you to work more?
What does he spend all of his money for himself on?

Fundamentally anything for the house or the children benefits you both. I'm glad you pay proportionally. House expenses, from groceries to towels and cushions, holidays, cars, days out and Christmas presents for the kids, kitchen and bathroom refits etc should either be proportionate, or as he has a substantial bonus, he might pay more for the bigger stuff.

We are similar, but his adult DD (who lives here and has SEN) takes care of her own holidays and days out.
With big projects (landscaping the garden etc) my DH has an inheritance and that will pay for it, but otherwise we would plan and pay on credit cards and pay off proportionately, or save.

The only thing we save for 50-50 is our holiday but as our incomes are about 48.6% to 51.4%, we don't mind.

My DH earns six figures. I earn just £15k a year. When he gets a bonus, he shares the entire lot - it goes on us as a family. He declares what it is as well.

So have you thought about splitting the bonuses between both pensions so you both benefit?

Our household works like this. Before marriage and DC we had our own money and earned roughly the same. Got married and pregnant at the same time and had a joint account where both salaries went into. Over the years his salary has increased. Mine stopped altogether and now is substantially less. Everything still goes in and out of the one pot including DH’s bonus.

I therefore see exactly how much it is. He then proposes how it is spent. E.g one year he wanted to put it in premium bonds (his name). I was fine with this. Another year he wanted to pay off a chunk of the mortgage. Again happy. One year he purchased a new car of his choice, we both use it. Again happy. Any surplus just sits in the joint account or gets swept into savings, his or mine depending on our individual ISA limits. If I said no to one of his propositions he would respect that. I haven’t because everything he wanted to do I agreed with. I do see it as his money, as in he earned it but spending it feels like a joint decision. Maybe because we are married with children.

He has never hidden how much it is. He has never told me how he will be spending it. And in fact, when he gets it, we have a little meal out to celebrate and I say well done to him.

It would feel to me as though he didn't consider you an equal partner. Why does he think you should be short of money? If you were to divorce, then everything he has would go into the pot, in theory. I'd be wondering where the investments were to be honest.

Bill him retrospectively for tyour lower earnnngs because of domestic work (including your reduced earnings over your career because of career breaks)

or better yet leave him

But half isn't proportional!

Yanbu, you DH is being mean.
You are a family, a team, you made vows to share worldly goods.
I earn less than DH, all money since having DC is paid into a joint account and everything is paid out of it, there's no mine and yours it's all shared resources.
Especially if you have children and let's face it becoming a mother can mean your earning potential / career progression is curtailed as its more usual for women to take on loins share caring responsibilities.
At very least all expenses should be split according to % of salary 60/40, 70/30 etc.
Bonuses should be family money, you work hard too!
Imo should be used for home improvements, holidays, Xmas, repay any credit cards etc a joint decision. It's very unattractive DH leaves you struggling whilst he has presumably significant surplus income and savings.
I do really understand that you don't want to be seen as grabby or whiney but he should not make you feel like that, and potentially he could react defensively and try and deflect.
Previous suggestions up thread for conservation are great-good luck

OP

Tslk to a solicitor and properly find out what your options are rather than going by mere suppositions which have kept you there . No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

Oh, OP, that isn't the way it is supposed to be. You are supposed to share and be kind to each other. I'm really sorry. You do have a right to know about his finances. You are his wife! Look, if you ever divorce, you need to be sure he isn't hiding assets from you...you have your children's future to think about.

Surely the whole point of marriage is you share everything? Otherwise what’s the point? Especially at the small children stage where one of you is compromising earning for good if the family unit. All in one pot here.

I earn double my husband and I think your husband is a wanker

When I married Dh we became a unit, a team, his money is mine and mine is his. We share our lives and with that comes money

I don't work for myself I work for our family, I earn so we can go on holidays, we can have a nice house, eat well etc. We both work to build our life. We arent housemates and I don't really see the point of just stockpiling money for yourself tbh and squirelling it away from your family

Obviously my DH pulls his weight, he works hard just earns less. But I thought the point of marriage was to share your lives. No way would I expect to split everything 50/50 with DH if he's earning less.

We're good thanks.

I think it is absolutely insane.

You are a family with kids (!)
In my relationship (same situation) we pay proportionally AND he pays extra for holidays, and days out- and his bonus is ours! We have a small baby- I cannot imagine how horrible it would make me feel if I were you!

I earned more initially then much much less now it’s about the same. Irrelevant though we share it all

Over our 40 years of marriage.....

OH was a student and I worked
We both worked, I earned more
I was a SAHP and he worked
His career and income soared, mine was modest
I was a student and he worked
He got a decent redundancy payment
I got two significant inheritances

At all times we shared everything - joint accounts. I cannot conceive of doing it any other way.

YANBU.