DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

Obviously as a base I earn to eat, clothe and put a roof over our heads but my motivation to work hard comes from a desire to better my families life not just to build savings that aren't to be used on family

Divorce is a messy, nasty business, but it is better than the alternative of staying together.

You need to do your research first. Take your time and don't set any alarm-bells ringing in his head. Don't let on what you are thinking.

Find out as much as you can about his income, assets, pensions, savings and investments. Get photos of documents wherever you can.
Sadly, he sounds like the kind of man to try and hide assets so that you and the children don't get a fair settlement in the divorce.

Find out a bit about the local housing options, or consider if you would move to a cheaper area with the children.
See a solicitor to get an idea of the process. He may be obliged by the courts to pay to house his children, including you as their main parent.

IMHO, money is never a good reason to stay in a bad marriage.

I have seen two financial advisors, one on my own and one where both us went and discussed all our finances together

Both of them advised that for us and our circumstances salaries should be paid into individual accounts and then proportion for bills paid into a joint. It was mentioned how important for both people in a marriage, but especially a woman, to remain a level of financial independence.

We are similar earners and get similar bonuses. It’s up to us how we spend our own bonuses but most years we each put it into our own pensions and then keep a small amount for “fun” money

Well if you do leave him, and who would blame you, you need to engage a forensic accountant to find out exactly what he has been doing with the family money. Good luck. 💐

My DH earns well, I'm a lower earner and current SAHM. He discusses all of our spending and budgeting with me, he's in charge of the finances in the end but he likes me to understand what's going on and to discuss things together.

His bonuses are openly spent on things we jointly need or want for the house, I know how much he's putting into savings (all counted as our savings) and when he can he'll give us our own little bonus for ourselves to spend on what we want. It's not unusual he'll get himself something out of it too like a fun thing he doesn't need but that feels totally fair.

Your DH shouldn't be secretive with it and you should be allowed understanding and input with what happened tomis, YANBU for feeling it's off with this system

You ask how this works in other families. DH and I pay proportionately but the important difference is, we DISCUSS and CHECK with the other that it feels fair. I wouldn't want him to be unhappy with the set up and he wouldn't want me to be. We have never had any arguments. Times when we may not have initially agreed maybe, but always been able to sort it out.
You don't have a money problem. You have a communication problem (with him - he's the problem)

If you are married all money is joint. End of. You can notionally have separate accounts etc but ultimately you are a unit. You should both have full visibility of your assets. You should have access to all bank statements for all your accounts whichever name they are in. Anything less is unacceptable.

you should have a full discussion of your money at least twice a year, if not more.

My DH bonus goes into our joint account. After paying off any credit cards and spending what we need on big ticket items (eg new curtains, paying for summer holiday etc) we then split the remainder exactly 50:50 into our ISAs for that year. I can’t imagine living in any other arrangement with a spouse but I see it played out on mumsnet repeatedly.

Also when you have sex with a man you have to basically let him inside you

I prefer to think of it as them letting a woman envelope them. I don't really, I'm not insane.

It sounds as if the 60/40 split is no longer a fair division OP and you need to have a very assertive conversation about this.
You should not be paying for 50% of things like tickets when his wage is so much higher that also should be at 60/40
I think you need to start making your own savings / pension financial independence which is factored in as an expense, chances are he is already doing that.

It sounds like a very unhappy way to live

I've done all the research to leave. Have spoken to a solicitor. Even a 5050 split would be disastrous financially. Yes worse off than I am now. It will take a long time but I will get away eventually.

Thanks everyone again

My DP and I also pay things proportionally but everything that is joint expense. I think you should chat with him about changing to that as that would be fairer. And his bonus should be included within calculations - it could go into joint savings account to be drawn on for large expenses. I think I’d go at this negotiation as that’s what it is, quite hard. You could point out that if you separate it would all be included as a martial asset in any case. Then what you’ve got left could be for genuinely personal stuff, not the kids.

Absolutely not okay at all. Everything we have is joint and has been from the day we married. At different points our earnings and bonuses have been higher than the partner. It doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't have married him and had children with him if we didn't share this attitude.

If my dp got a bonus he’d glad share with me and vice Versa. And also re: essential payments, they’d be split proportionally. Dp or I would not want the other to pay more than they can afford and have no savings, and the other has a separate big stash of money. No, this is not right OP. You’re a team and should help each other out. you gave up your full time wage for a few years while u brought his kids into the world. Does he not remember this

Your set up day to day is absolutely not broadly fair. He earns twice what you do, so splitting everything 50/50 is neither proportionate nor fair.

If he’s such an emotionally stunted arsewipe that he’s happy to watch his wife struggle and go without whilst he squats like Gollum on his personal pile of gold, you probably need to approach this on a purely mathematical basis. He earns double, so he pays double. His contribution to running the household should be roughly twice what yours is, which should leave you with at least some disposable income. And that means double for every last fucking thing - from aeroplane tickets to the kids’ socks.

If you’re happy to remain with someone so unbelievably selfish, you need to start keeping your household accounts as stringently as he obviously keeps his personal ones - with a sharp and beady eye on every penny you’re owed. But jeez, what a soul-destroying way to live, OP.

DH earns getting on x3 as much as me - but all income is family income and all accounts are joint.

Your DH sounds very selfish and I'm not surprised you want to leave. Have you seriously investigated what your finances might be like if you split? You could start a new thread about it, I think people here would be very happy to help you get a picture.

I don't think there's a way to do this without losing some of the tax advantage. I haven't found a way for me and DH anyway but if we did split the pension would be divided anyway. If we're still together (hope so) well both live off it.

I wouldn’t bring up the bonus. I would talk about your finances and simply state that you can’t afford 50/50 going forward for holidays or house renovations etc. So there won’t be any. I’d write down what you have left and simply say that you are not prepared to live like this so there don’t be any more holidays etc unless he pays for them.

My DH uses his annual bonus on house improvements and/or holidays. He does not hoard it for himself. He has never asked me to pay him money back.

Yours is a miser.

Creeps in...

I don't share my bonus 😶

I am the higher-earner (probably earn more than double than DH) so I pay for a lot more of the household bills, mortgage is all in my name etc, pay for most kids stuff, Christmas etc.

I keep my bonus, I need some bloody reward for all the work and travel.

Okay,
So in the meantime, just keep telling him "sorry no, I can't afford that" and refusing to pay.
If he want the holiday or whatever, he has to pay, or it doesn't happen.

No child ever suffered lasting damage from not having expensive holidays.
Don't let your concern over the children be a weapon he can use against you.

Once you've had kids, in my opinion there is absolutely no argument for not acting like a team. You just cannot have a transactional relationship once one partner has put their body through pregnancy and childbirth, particularly if (as is usually the case and sounds like it was for you) that same partner then takes on the majority of childcare, running the household and their career takes a backseat for all of that.

I'm open minded about all different ways of splitting finances in childless/child free couples (which I'm in myself) but I have a lot of contempt for men who act tight with money towards a partner who birthed their children.

Genuinely I don't understand why a husband (or wife) would want their other half to have a less good standard of living than them.

I agree. “All that I have I share with you”. We put everything into one shared pot.

If you split normal expenses in proportion to earnings, I can’t understand why he would expect one off expenses to be split 50:50 ?? What’s his reasoning?

Good grief 😔. Where are they .making these men? This is terrible, OP.

I realise I’m in a similar situation, although my husband gives me a large ammount of money every month, he could be hiding bonus payments.
He pays more into his pension, sensible, but I have a huge ammount of debt, I can only pay the minimum on.

I think your situation may be worse, but you need to prioritise yourself.
Mine also earns more then double me.

All of my money goes on food, bills, servicing debts. Three children, my savings went on maternity leave

Mean with money, mean with love.