DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

OP has NOT said that she thinks she should be entitled to her husband's bonus.

She is confused an upset about why a substantial sum coming into the household is apparently only for one specific member of the household, especially because they are married and share children.

I would take "day to day expenses" to mean rent/mortgage, council tax, bills, insurance, food, maybe school fees. She has said "we have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half." Whatever they were (replacing large white goods? property maintenance? family car?) she has no reserve of her own while her husband keeps nearly all of his nearly-6-figure salary to himself.

She has also said that family holidays fall into this 50/50 category, and by the sounds of it, days out too as she is "always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big".

She also says "year's ago when I wasn't working full time" so we can assume that OP is now working full-time.

As an aside, even if you are banking the difference in your increased salary, I am not convinced it is entirely yours. In the event of a divorce, you would both have to declare your savings, assets, pension pots, options/shares, etc., and sollicitors would negotiate or a court would settle on a proportion that is fair for each partner. They take into account each partner's ability to provide the child with a similar standard of living in both homes, not who earned what to this point.

My husband earns twice my salary, he shares everything with me, things aren't split 50/50, everything goes into our joint account and joint savings, including any back pay or bonuses.
We have a amount we put into our own accounts for our own Direct debits, plus we both get an equal set amount every month to spend on ourselves or save for presents for eachother

What you're living in amounts to financial abuse, because percentage wise, you are paying so much more into the house than he is, while he tries to convince you it's equal.
What a selfish bastard your husband is. Show him this thread, and leave the dickhead and take half of everything he's squirreled away.

Another different version of how you got spousal maintenance. I've reported this.

@holrosea That's exactly what she's saying though, she's upset that he isn't sharing his bonus with her.
It's going only to a "specific member of the household" because he's earned it, in his job. Why is it so bad that she has to pay half for things, it's called paying your way? If she wasn't with her husband she'd still have to pay that money, and more. If she has no spare money left after paying her share then she should do something to increase her earnings, just like he has. I can't imagine expecting a partner to subsidise me.

Yeah, technically all money in a marriage is shared in the event of a divorce but it doesn't happen straight away, if there was an emergency situation where I needed a safety net I'd spend that money pretty quickly on whatever I need in that moment, before it gets to the divvying things up stage. Hopefully that will never happen but it's nice to know the safety net is there.

@OreoMonster29, as happens to a large majority of women, OP went part-time to care for their shared children. She took an actual financial hit to provide free labour in the home. She took an ongoing hit to her finances by taking time out of her career & very probably being the parent on call. This facilitated his earnings.

OP has not said "I want his bonus". She has said that there is no financial transparency in her marriage & it is upsetting her.

50/50 works well for two full-time adults with no kids, but once you start cutting hours/earnings to provide free labour it is no longer an equitable division of costs. Also, as PP have said, who wants financial insecurity & a lower standard of living for their own spouse? How many other people do you know who say "here's £200, Christmas is your responsibility" to their spouse?

All of our money is put into a joint account, DH earns so much more than I do as he has his own business but the money is just put into one pot .

I spend as I see fit as and he never questions it

Hello Docugirl!

I have stumbled across you your post and I would be interested to know what the outcome was for you?

Reading your post has been so helpful to know I’m not alone as I have recently gone through a very similar situation.

I’d been struggling with my husbands finances for a few years as things became quite erratic in our joint account. We’ve lived together for 18 years and shared a joint account for all of this time. No problems (as far as I was aware) He is the main breadwinner and earns a very good Salary with all the perks. I’ve taken the back seat and been the stay at home mum and worked part time for the past 10 years, putting my career on hold etc.

Anyway, I confronted him about the account and different transactions (money being moved to different accounts) he said what has it got to do with me! Then a year ago he stopped having his wages paid into the joint account. Again, when I challenged this he said he moved them to stop me snooping, to protect himself!

Then in February I opened two letters that came (at the end of my tether and I know it was wrong) and he had been given two bonuses totally over £20000. I sealed them back up and hoped he’d share his good news with me when returning home. He didn’t.
For 3 days I waited, feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach. I ended up confronting him. He responded with ‘what have I done… I’ve ruined everything. I’m abusive and coercive and controlling… I was devastated. He kept saying it was his money and bonus etc and had worked hard. I should be grateful for the life he’s provided. I tried to explain to him that without me supporting him and being there for the children he wouldn’t have had the success etc. This went on for 3 weeks where he told me I was attacking him and tormenting him and fixated by money. I’m not. All I wanted was the truth and an equal partnership. In the past he hasn’t always presented the best behaviours or attitudes. He’s told me ‘to know my place’ ‘grow up’. Said I’m pathetic and need to grow up etc.

The thing I struggle with the most is that we’ve been together all of my adult life. I haven’t known any different but in my heart i know it’s wrong.

I would be interested to know how the original posters life has progressed since December.
Thanks for reading x

Hello Witsend. Wish I could say that my DH finally agreed that his attitude to money and life in general was destructive and cruel and detrimental to our relationship. Nothing has changed. Even with a counsellor.

I have no advice for you, I'm sorry. I feel so utterly stupid and ashamed for being the ridiculous people pleaser I've always been. Scared to stand up for myself because I don't want to upset anyone else. I've ended up married to a moody, mean, baby and brought my lovely children into it. Huge mistake for me to stop working for a few years, I handed him all the control and destroyed any hope I had of being financially comfortable. I'm poor with him, because he's mean, and I'll be poor without him because the time I was out of work means that I'm way behind where I should be professionally. It also means it'll take me years to be able to house myself and the kids and be able to get away from him.

Perhaps in your situation, your DH is decent otherwise and just strange about money? You should have transparency and you should be able to ask him about the joint account, his reaction is suspicious and silly and very worrying.

We've never even had a joint account. We are totally separate financially. What I cannot understand is why he doesn't see what an ugly and unattractive characteristic it is.

I hope your situation improves or is resolved and is better than mine.
S

Both of you should contact Women's aid.
This is financial abuse and coercive control.

They keep control of you by keeping you poor.
It is a crime.

Ask for help.
Divorcing men like this is what works best as they have to declare their income, savings, investments and pension and when children are involved and women have been sahm, they are entitled to 50/50 as a starting point.

The first thing to do is to reach out to domestic abuse charities for advice and support.

Coercive control is a crime now.
Get support and gather as much information as you can.

Take photos of any financial information you can find as this will give a solicitor valuable information.

If they have hidden money, a forensic accountant will find it quickly.

You are not alone. Reach out for help.

@Docugirl

I'm poor with him, because he's mean, and I'll be poor without him because the time I was out of work means that I'm way behind where I should be professionally

You can be poor and abused with him or you can be poor and at peace without him.

I think you need to think about these alternatives very carefully. I know which I'd choose. I'd rather eat beans in a bedsit on my own than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with a man like that.

And chances are you can make up at least a bit of your professional progress, but there is no chance he'll ever change.

Hi Docugirl

Thank you so much for responding so quickly.
I’m so sorry you are still struggling. It’s almost like reading a carbon copy of my life. It’s really hard to explain to the outside world. I’ve just turned 40 and been with him for 20 years. Overwhelming. For a long time I’ve observed very unpleasant behaviours. Name calling, put downs… calling daughter pathetic and stupid and telling her she will never be as successful as him (with an attitude like that) tells her she’s a sad coward etc and etc. For many years I wished I was brave enough to end things but like you, I’ve not worked or worked part time. I’ve been so scared to face life on my own but something within me is telling me that I need to be brave and take that first step.
Before the bonus letters in Feb I was already at the end of my tether. He storms off, rolls his eyes and can be like a two year old with tantrums etc in public. Like you, I’ve been the people pleaser, helping others. Masking his behaviour. But now I’ve woke up and realised that life is short and we deserve to be happy. We have one life and one chance to give our children the best. They deserve a happy and healthy home to thrive in.
I never dreamt I would be seeking divorce but I realise this isn’t healthy. I’m not happy.
luckily we own our home and have built up equity and his pension and shares so I feel a slight sense of relief that I will have a little bit of security. Like someone said they’d rather be eating beans on toast in a bed sit than posh grub in a mansion if there is abuse.
I never look at my husband and think he’s abusing me (physically) but the emotional distress that he’s caused me hurts my heart so much.
If I never opened the bonus letters o would be none the wiser and the control would continue. Makes feel stupid. Not to mention the remortgage without my knowledge. When I look back on statements we had ingoings of over £160000 but no explanation or anything to show for it. It’s so sad that the life I thought we were living had almost been a lie. I feel so much resentment for sacrificing my own career and life for many years. To end up in this mess.
I wish you all the best in whatever your future looks like. You deserve nothing but the best. Life is too short. ❤️

Sorry that should say 16000 not 160,000! Typos! Take care xx

It also means it'll take me years to be able to house myself and the kids and be able to get away from him.

I know you have said you have sought professional advice, done your research etc, I'm really curious to know WHY you would unable to house yourself.
Yes, when 1 household splits into 2, neither can have the same standard of living, but I don't understand why you would be homeless if you divorced him.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

I am so sorry OP I could not be with a man like this. It's disgusting. You'd likely be better off getting divorced and taking half of everything bec that's what youre entitled to. Then he would pay you maintenance for the kids etc. Ask yourself this - if the roles were reversed would you be treating him like this? If the answer is no then you know what you need to do.

We have a different system as when we were first married we were dreadful with money (what little there was). We split up all the income and put it in different pots (cash then) for bills etc. The bank account was joint but very poor. When I went back to work full time we changed. I buy all the supermarket shopping, dh pays all the bills and car expenses. We do have a joint account for back up. What is left we put in our own accounts and pay out for big stuff, renovation, holidays etc on approximately 50/50 basis, its not rigid. We have about the same income and savings now (retired). But we do know what the whole pot contains and we share information about our individual holdings.

We know everything about each other's money, totally shared and drawn from as needed. DH has earned more than me for years, but makes sure I have all I need and more. He always makes sure to stress it is our money. That's how we roll and have from day one.

@Docugirl you should get decent CMS from him, you’ll get child benefit and UC

Edited because I have now understood the timeline better.

I posted on here a few months ago as I was going through a very similar situation.
I have to say it’s the hardest thing to have to go through.
Mine started with husband hiding wages, failing to tell me about his bonuses (Feb) totalling £24000. It was the hardest time and I was completely traumatised with his behaviour.
He did his very best to blame me for attacking him/ tormenting him. Abusing him etc
A few days later I asked him out right if he was gambling and he said yes.

This absolutely destroyed me. We have been together 22 years (I’m now 40) the betrayal/ lies and deceit is so hard to explain to people)

I told him it was over as I can’t be in a marriage that isn’t based on trust or equal partnership. We’ve had some counselling (as well as me accessing Gamcare support)

He declares his love for me and still wants out re marriage to work but in the mix of all that he received a few thousand pounds in shares and again, failed to tell me. He sees it as his money. Not ours. Tells me all I’ve had to do is turn up and he’s had to work dead hard to provide the life we have.

I am of course filled with so much guilt because it’s ultimately me breaking our family apart (children age 11-14)

I am slowly rebuilding my life but it has been the hardest year of my life.

I hope the original poster is in a better place now and things have settled for the better x

Our set up is that my DH earns more than 3x my salary. He’s pays for everything.

It should be proportionate OP. You shouldn’t be left getting into debt or with little left to spend on yourself or to save if you want to, especially if he has plenty to put away.

He might be your husband but it doesn't sound as if he's your partner.