DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

Our wages go into the joint account and then we get an equal amount into our personal accounts for whatever we want to spend money on. I don't work in a job where I'd get bonuses but DH does. When he does they just go into the joint pot but if he's really keen for something he'll just say "I'd like to use some of this for x" and that's generally fine by me.

We're a team and over time my earning potential far outstrips his (barring a career change) so it feels right to make sure we have the same standard of living.

Just tell him you do not have the funds and that you need him to contribute more

I can’t relate to this I’m afraid, OP. My husband is far from perfect but all our money is shared and, when we were young and penniless, he always made sure bonuses were shared and celebrated by everyone before he’d think of buying so much as a bag of crisps for himself. I think your husband is being a proper arse and all you can do is call him out on it.
If you need some motivation remember that our kids learn everything they know about fiscal management from us, so you owe it to them to show them how adults should be behaving with money.

Thank you everyone. I'm still reading all your responses.

It means a lot to know it's not all in my head.

Thank you

We have full sight of everything.

Everything goes into one pot, all bills and extra outgoings that month are covered, then the rest is split between us/saved. We’d talk about a holiday in the sense of “it’s £1k each, that’s alright”. But it doesn’t matter who pays what because it all mixes on pay day.

I couldn’t live like you do OP. I hope to god he changes his ways some how and realises he’s bang out order.

In terms of a bonus, if there’s some particular DH wanted to use it for he’d discuss it, then get that and put the rest into the family money. Same as I would.

OP – I’ve read all of your posts but not all the others.

Please be clear and understand there is a difference between Divorce Lawyers and Family Lawyers and they often are not knowledgeable to advise of the other issue. Divorce and Child Arrangements are two completely different legal issues. Are you sure he would want or could cope with 50:50 child arrangements if he has a demanding job ?

I think it needs to be "fair". There's no one way to be fair, and not every couple will arrange things in the same way, and the same couple might do things differently at different times. "Fair" might not be exactly "equal" either.
For example, if one partner earns a small wage working from home, and the other is earning a wedge in a high-profile job, second partner might well need to spend quite a bit more on clothes for work.
We've varied things over time - when we were first going out, we split everything 50:50. When I got pregnant with our first child, we moved to joint.
At the moment we're earning fairly similar amounts - last year I think he was about 10-15% higher, but it's varied. Sometimes I've earned more, sometimes a lot less, particularly when I was pregnant and had a small baby.
We don't have a joint account (we're both self employed, makes things too complicated) but it is all "our money". He pays the mortgage, council tax and utility bills. I pay childcare, phones, internet, insurances, most of the children's clothes, etc. Whoever researches a holiday pays for it. We shift money between ourselves as needed for regular expenses, and to top of savings/pensions/whatever.
We don't have a set allowance for personal spending, but neither of us takes the piss, and we tend to discuss anything particularly pricey.
This isn't the ideal way, the only way, but it works for us and feels fair.
OP, your situation feels entirely and absolutely unfair, and I understand both why you feel upset and also why it is very hard to raise.
Sometimes it can help if you raise things initially in writing - so that you can read it over, say how you feel calmly and accurately, and say you need to discuss this as a couple, because you feel <XYZ>. Any immediate defensive reaction by him can also then calm down a bit before you discuss it.

Do you have a mortgage OP ? (sorry I haven’t rtft) . If so I would expect your DH to use a lump sum from the bonus to reduce it . That’s what we do.

@Docugirl if you were to divorce, your marital asserts wouldn't necessarily be split 50/50. There would be recognition of the salary/career/earning potential hit you took by having DC, and being the main carer for them.

I think that’s really sad. We aren’t married but own a home, have children and are long term partners. We will eventually get married but wanted to spend our money on property first.

that being said, my partner earns a lot more than me, and he also gets a bonus. He contributes a lot more than me, and spends his bonus and extra money on us, the kids, the house (doing it up), holidays etc.

in addition, we have a joint acc for all outgoings and separate acc for additional fun money.

ultimately, you are correct, it is his money, but you are a couple and a family and you would think and hope he shared it with you.

DH has always earned a lot more than me but all our money goes into a joint account (apart from us both having ISAs in our own names, but funded from the joint account). In the early years of our marriage when I was a SAHM and we were really hard-up we consulted on everything, but now we just consult on big purchases but each buy whatever we want, within reason, for the household or ourselves or the DC, otherwise - I suppose we just trust each other not to go mad and spend more than we can afford. I probably spend more on clothes but he spends more on technology and going to the pub with mates. I just can’t imagine doing it any other way if a couple truly want to share their lives.

If a person keeps a separate account, with the amount in it secret, it seems to me as if they have in the back of their mind that they might want to go their own way at some point.

@Docugirl ok - I can see it's about more than the money- I think you are catastrophising if you leave unless he has no savings, you don't have a decent amount of equity and he doesn't have a pension - yes you might not automatically be able to pay something outright but I bet you could buy 3 bed shared ownership or rent a 3 bed house/flat and pay 6 months up front etc if you sell or he buys you out if able - start thinking sideways OP - because I'm pretty sure he isn't going to want 50/50 on 3 kids and a high paying job plus school holidays etc - - he might think it will be fine but I think reality would hit home. I certainly would be cool and calm at this stage- try and see what he has saved etc or pension equivalent - it may be what he would have to give you equates to him paying off the mortgage - so no new mortgage needed etc !! There are many ways to look at it- lawyers don't always think sideways either in advisory situations.

We keep separate finances for the most part, but my bonus (larger than my husbands) goes against the property taxes and pension firstly, then home renovation/upkeep costs, and some travel expenses for the upcoming year. There is usually a little left over that I can "keep" but by and large my bonus is used for the expenses needed that aren't the day to day. One day if needed and it gets big enough I could use it to pay down the mortgage etc. Same goes for my DH.

Edited to say he has never asked me to do this with my bonus, but it felt right, and if the shoe were on the other foot I know that he would do the same (he has in the past).

Abusive men deliberately keep women penniless.

Talk to Women's aid.

The day after we married we set up a joint account and ALL our money went into this account. ALL savings accounts, mortgage, loans etc. were also joint. We would not have dreamt of doing otherwise.

We drew on these accounts as we each saw fit. If one of us planned a bigger expenditure than the norm we would discuss it together. We trusted each other.

Over the years there were times when one of us earned more, or indeed nothing at all for a few years when the children were small, but it did not alter how we dealt with our finances. We were a team and all money was part of the team pot.

Sadly he died 4 years ago, but it is worth noting that the fact that all our finances were joint made things so much easier easier after his death.

As soon as I had my second and went part time I stopped contributing 50/50. I don't even think we spoke about it.. we both acknowledged that things had changed and I wasn't going to be contributing like I had before. I still get majority of their clothes. I get 'top up' shopping in the week. I pay for any holidays we go on but that's it. I work p/t and he earns 3 times more than me or even more with his bonus. I also asked him to put some of his savings in the children's savings account that I have access to and he didn't mind at all. He understood that I needed that financial security.

Sorry I should have added that because of this set up I do not interfere with his bonus although sometimes he will transfer sone money to me but I never ask.

Op.
When my exhusband and I got divorced we went to a mediator to ask for what was a fair split.
They said it wasn't about what was fair, it was about what we both needed to be able to house the kids.
It came down to me (as a much lower earner) needing more than 50/50 asset split or spousal maintenance to be able to house the children near their school. So I was awarded SM. (It worked out better for me to get a mortgage that way). I understand most favour a higher split of the assets rather than SM.
But my point is, if you 'need' more to house your children, and there is money in the 'joint' (as it were) pot to do it, then you get it.

When you said in your OP that you split things proportionally, I thought that meant you were both paying in proportion to your income, which might have been fair.
If you're both paying an equal amount and you earn less, then yes that is unfair.

If you have children then have you ever worked part time or sacrificed your career in any way to care for them? Do you provide childcare which enables him to work (so if you were to disappear tomorrow, would he have to arrange childcare to look after the children)? If so, you are being financially exploited.

You need to address this because paying bills 50:50 is what housemates do, not married couples, especially when one is caring for children. Do his family and friends know that this is the arrangement? If so, perhaps share that information with people. Maybe he needs to hear from someone else that this situation is unfair and wrong.

My ex gives me his Christmas bonus every year to pay for Christmas. I’m not even with him!

when we were together we’d share everything. I hate meanness.

How, exactly, will she make him do any of that?

I'll offer another perspective on this. When I got together with my husband, we both earned exactly the same. I had a deposit ready to go to buy a flat plus some other savings, he didn't have any savings and was still paying off debts from his student years (not only student loan but credit cards and personal loans).
So I paid for the deposit on our flat and all the furniture. We split the day to day bills and expenses 50-50.
Then I contributed twice as much to the shared savings account that we started up, as he had less money due to still paying off debts.
These savings then paid for most of my maternity leave and towards our next house purchase. I did an extra qualification during mat leave plus volunteer work to get specific experience, all with the aim of getting a higher paid job.
I did job applications while sleep deprived from looking after a baby.
Husband has stayed in the same job he had when we got together, 10 years ago.
He's had some incremental pay rises but I've almost doubled my salary in that time.
I've always been the one to draw up the household budget and track our spending, and plan financially for the future.
I've never begrudged contributing more financially because I love him and he contributes in other ways, but when I got my latest pay rise I started banking the difference into my own savings account.
I've now got a small pot, while he doesn't have any personal savings, only what's in the joint savings account.
I feel that this money is mine and I've more than earned it. I need a safety cushion that is just for me, should anything bad ever happen with our marriage, because I'm an immigrant and have no safety net in this country.
At the very least I need money for a plane ticket back and a few months expenses in my home country, should my life here go tits up.
He has parents, siblings and close childhood friends all no more than a couple of hours drive away.
Am I mean and financially abusive for doing this? I don't think so, but others may disagree.
I think it's all very context dependant. What did you bring to the table financially when you got together? Did he already have a higher salary, more assets before he met you? Has he worked harder at his career than you, hence the higher salary? Does he have less of a family safety net than you?

@OreoMonster29 How long have you been married? How much debt did he have when you got together?

I think bringing up stuff from 10 years ago, when you've been married 8 for not that much debt is very pernickety.............. but as you say, context is everything.

I think every person, particularly women, should have a running away fund.

I don't know why you think your scenario is remotely similar to OP's? You are not knowingly holding back funds from your DH when you know he has no cash to buy basic items for himself. You are not forcing him to pay disproportionally from his wage vs you and your wage

@Pipsquiggle It was around £10k. It impacted us for years because it meant he couldn't put much money aside for savings towards our future or for big purchases as he was paying off the debt.
And it wasn't just the debt, I put down the whole deposit on our flat, bought all the furniture, put more into our joint savings. The bills we always split 50-50. Like I said, I don't resent it or anything, it's just a fact that I've contributed more financially to the marriage.
It's not exactly the same situation as the OP's but it's a bit similar because I'm keeping some of my surplus money for myself.
The OP hasn't said she struggles for basics, she said the day to day split is fair but she thinks she should be entitled to his bonus. I'm just explaining why he might not see it that way. The Op hasn't said what she's contributed financially to the marriage. I think this is important context.