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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and his bonus

321 replies

Docugirl · 03/12/2024 11:22

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
Docugirl · 03/12/2024 12:03

Thanks everyone. This is all very helpful

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 03/12/2024 12:04

Docugirl · 03/12/2024 11:31

Thanks for the replies. How do you bring it up without sounding whiney?

It is a very unattractive trait. I posted because I genuinely don't know if I'm justified in being pissed off about it

I wouldn't worry about how it sounds. I would express how you feel. Ie that it is not fair.

blackcatsarethebestcats · 03/12/2024 12:04

This really is wrong and sounds like financial abuse. You’re meant to be a team.

blackcatsarethebestcats · 03/12/2024 12:05

PS I earn more than DH (£64k and £35k). All spare cash goes into joint savings. I put far more in than he does.

MidnightPatrol · 03/12/2024 12:05

No it isn’t fair that he earns twice as much but you split expenses equally.

How much is the bonus? What does he say he does with it?

We are in a similar situation and also pay for daily expenses almost equally… but I use the bonus money to pay for holidays, I’ll pay for everything for Christmas, any exceptional spending basically etc etc.

unicornglittersprinkles · 03/12/2024 12:06

We have a similar setup to you for day to day. Proportionate amount of our earnings goes into our joint account.
Where we differ is on bonuses. Both of us get them but mine is teeny weeny, DHs is significant. However, we both treat ourselves to a little something of around a similar value and then both transfer the entire remainder into our joint savings to go towards holidays, home improvements, etc. This means that a smaller % of my bonus goes into the joint pot but we're a team. I work part time and do most of the family admin, ferrying kids to activities, etc. DH is the main breadwinner. It's not equal but feels fair

MostlyHappyMummy · 03/12/2024 12:07

What would he say if you refused to go on holidays or pay for house renovations unless paid for proportionate to income?
would you do this?

LazyArsedMagician · 03/12/2024 12:07

I earn 3 x times more than DH. Up till a couple of years ago he was a SAHD.

"My" earnings and bonuses went into our shared account, bills were paid, and for big spends we'd discuss it. I bought myself a Mulberry bag after a particularly spectacular bonus, but otherwise, it tends to go on paying off debts or home improvements.

I remember DH asking me if he could buy some new trainers, and me just saying he doesn't need to ask, it's his money too. Why anyone is happy keeping their significant other in (figurative - maybe literal!) rags I don't know. We share a life, a house, children - why wouldn't money be shared?!

Breadcat24 · 03/12/2024 12:07

When I used to get bonuses I always used them to pay off lumps of the mortgage- which benefited both of us

Dandylione · 03/12/2024 12:08

I don't understand this attitude at all unless he's got an eye on the door.

I earn loads more than DH and it's all just our money. In fact if anything I view any extra money as being for DS's future. It would make no sense to me to divide it up.

FutureFry · 03/12/2024 12:10

If you're happily married and have got kids, I find it baffling when money isn't shared 50/50.

Why would he want you to have less money?

We have a joint account and all our money is our money. I'm the higher earner and would hate if it wasn't like this. I guess we're lucky as neither of us is extravagant or wasteful with personal spends, as otherwise maybe we'd need to re think.

It doesn't sit well with you because he's selfish and what he's doing is objectively unfair.

Also, work bonuses are generally just seen as an extension of salary by most aren't they? It's not like it has to be a treat for him for being such a good boy all year at work :/

Original poster
Docugirl · 03/12/2024 12:10

MostlyHappyMummy · 03/12/2024 12:07

What would he say if you refused to go on holidays or pay for house renovations unless paid for proportionate to income?
would you do this?

The holidays wouldn't happen and so the kids would lose out there.

He would be unhappy about household stuff but would probably pay for it if it was an essential

OP posts:
SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 12:11

YANBU. My bonus pays for Christmas stuff - or this year DD2's GCSE exam fees as a private candidate.

aCatCalledFawkes · 03/12/2024 12:11

I'm a single parent but my bonus goes on a family holiday for the kids and I. although it's my salary and bonus I'm doing it for us all to have a better life. I wouldn't ever just spend it on myself.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 12:12

I think it would be fine to spend it on yourself if the other party isn't struggling to make ends meet with the things for which you are jointly responsible, or ought to be.

newdiamondring · 03/12/2024 12:14

Bonus is still taxable income that forms part of your husbands annual take home pay. It's no different to his monthly salary other than its (presumably) discretionary.

What a wanker.

WoolySnail · 03/12/2024 12:14

My DH earned more than me for many years and now we both earn the same, but his job is a lot harder and stressful. At no point has it ever been anything other than "our money" no matter who was earning more/off sick/maternity etc

Starlight1979 · 03/12/2024 12:14

@Docugirl Sorry but I find your "D"H attitude disgusting. As others have said, why on earth would you want the person you love to be struggling whilst you sit on a load of money?!?!

Me and DP aren't even married yet and don't have children together but we still have a joint account which everything goes into and out of! Neither of us ever question what the other spends. I just check occasionally there's enough in it for bills etc but apart from that it's just our money which we both have access to whenever we need / want it.

EmmerdaleFan78 · 03/12/2024 12:15

People in long term, committed relationships (particularly with kids) should have a joint account. Everything goes in, including any bonuses, and all bills come out. You should each have a separate personal account and you get an equal amount of ‘personal spends’ no matter how much each of you earn.

It absolutely boggles my mind that couples ‘lend’ each other money and strictly pay for things proportionally based on wages. It’s so weird. One person is always worse off 🙄

TriceratopsRocks · 03/12/2024 12:15

OP, when you go halves on big extra expenses like flight and holidays, are they to your budget or his? Do you feel pressured to pay half towards something you would not choose? What would happen if you said that you couldn't afford a holiday because all your money had already been spent on family/house etc?

I realise you pay proportionally for your normal spending, but these extra big ticket items could wipe out the entirety of the money you have left, and that simply isn't fair.

For the record, since DH and I got married all money goes into the one pot and we both check with each other about spending. My only income now is carers allowance but I still manage all our finances, including DHs savings and bonuses. We are a team and I believe we are financially better off as a couple because our money is managed jointly.

Peachy2005 · 03/12/2024 12:15

I don’t think you should have paid half the flights, I think you should have said you can’t afford it and used it to lead into a discussion on finances. He sounds very mean.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/12/2024 12:15

I tend to put my bonus into my pension, otherwise I lose half of it. Is that what he’s doing?

Justwingingit2005 · 03/12/2024 12:16

If he earns double what u so he should put in twice as much so u pay 33% and he pays 66% of household expenses.
We have one account for all household and kids expenses. Generally we consult each other over bigger purchases.
Bonuses, we have a rule. 50% of bonus into family 50% private spends unless we need something big for the house.

Honestandkind · 03/12/2024 12:17

The divorce will cost him

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 12:17

YANBU - I’m divorced now but I was married for 27 years and from the day we moved in together every penny was joint.

Our bonuses paid for holidays. His was usually more than mine so that paid for our main 2 weeks and mine paid for a week at half term.

I couldn’t be living with someone who saw their money as theirs rather than joint funds.

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