DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

I don’t know where to start with the ways this isn’t ok. I think it’s such a huge sign they are fundamentally a horrible person when men with families are like this.
refuse to pay 50/50 from now on, for anything. ‘No, we can’t do that if I have to pay.’ Repeat. He doesn’t get to store up cash, charge his wife for living and let me guess, expect a lot of you on the home front? Don’t buy him a Christmas present this year, warn him you’ve used your whole budget on the kids and other family and are flat broke and save that money. He doesn’t deserve a present from you.

@Codlingmoths completely agree

It bothers you because it's wrong.

That thing he said: "With all my worldly goods, I thee endow"? He lied.

Meanness is so unattractive!

You are a family. He can’t pick and choose which aspects that come with being a unit as and when he wants.

He should not be secretive with regards to the savings and bonuses.

Our basic earnings are a split of about 60:40, everything goes into a joint account and bills are paid.

we both get the same amount each month out of that to pay for clothes, going out, anything discretionary for the individual.

we both get bonuses but mine have been much larger over the years, doesn’t matter as both do and I believe should go into a joint account and we pay big things, house improvements, extra holiday - whatever we agree.

Its for me the only way it should be done in a long term relationship (ours is a marriage).

However I can see how it wouldn’t work if one person was refusing to work, or spent shared money unfairly, or some other circumstances.

I would feel very wrong taking a large bonus and having it all to myself

Thanks for the replies. How do you bring it up without sounding whiney?

It is a very unattractive trait. I posted because I genuinely don't know if I'm justified in being pissed off about it

Genuinely I don't understand why a husband (or wife) would want their other half to have a less good standard of living than them.

So in terms of paying in you pay proportionally? As in say he earns double what you earn, he pays in double?
That seems fair, is this also the case for one off expenses eg holidays ?

So it's really just the bonus, I'd say given that it's additional income what if it was used for a holiday or bigger purchases?

Bring it up by saying I need to talk to you about Christmas, I have skimped to buy the dc and family presents and haven’t got you one because I’m flat broke. I haven’t any savings, they’ve all gone on various family things and it’s made me realise how resentful I am that you just keep extra money and your bonus while I struggle here, as if I’m not here being cook and housekeeper on top of my job and looking after our family while you work late (edit as applicable). It’s not what I thought a marriage would be. I think I’m going for a walk now rather than talk it out, I’m upset, and we do have to talk about this.

then take yourself out of the room/ house for a while as it will have been quite stressful to get it out , and gives him some time to digest it.

You should be able to approach him about your concerns on this without worrying about sounding whiny.

Tell him you are uncomfortable with how money is being managed, and you’d like ore clarity on the above finances. You share a home, kids, a whole life together, so it’s justified wanting clarity on the bonus and savings.

If he tries to accuse you of being whiny, it’s because he is being defensive and trying to deflect. He would only act defensive because he knew he is in the wrong.

I think it depends on the size of the bonus. Mine is 30% of my salary on a typical year, so it’s more than a nice holiday. It’s all treated as family money and mostly goes on the mortgage, I consult dp in any other plans.

OP, I think this is an excellent suggestion^

Your husband sounds incredibly mean. His behaviour is not the behaviour of good family man - rather, he's very selfish. You deserve better. 💐

Sorry I can't work out how to quote directly.

Our set up for day to day is broadly fair. It's only the one off big expenses and yes holidays are included here. We booked flights for a holiday recently and I have paid half. He could easily pay for the whole thing and still have plenty left.

Thank you the posters who advised how to word it maturely. I need this to be able to discuss it confidently.

The bonus is substantial I wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't.

@Docugirl we do not have any joint accounts at all. we, do however, know how much each other has and I have online access to all the bank accounts. he will come and tell me to pay for this or that for him, from his account. he doesnt do online banking at all. i will sometimes pay the credit card from his account and sometimes from mine. it is and always has been our joint money. not his. not mine. we both spend it on what we want or need but we will mention if either of us are making a purchase costing over 1k. just so we know. mumsnet has really opened my eyes regarding the unfair division of money in relationships nowadays, married and unmarried!! does nobody trust their partner nowadays??? how much of a bonus are we talking about? 1k, 10k????

Genuinely I don't understand why a husband (or wife) would want their other half to have a less good standard of living than them.

This. It indicates lack of love and trust. What sort of marriage is that?

I had a lower earning partner (who minimised income it wasnt that they couldnt earn more) and always shared the results of my hard work - all my money went into the household pot. So I dont understand this mentality. But you cant make him less selfish. All you can do is control your own situation so refuse to share costs of any extras and say if the money isnt going to be shared you will have to live more frugally. Feed him baked potato and beans every day. Say future holidays will have to be camping in the UK unless he is willing to take dc abroad without you. Put aside the money you save in an emergency fund fin case you leave him - which if he is this selfish you probably will as its the resentment / unfairness of these situations that kills marriages.

Yes I agree

I just don’t understand this.

I really couldn’t sit with myself if I was so much better off then the person I was supposed to be sharing my life with.

I’ve earned less then partners and I’ve earned more for what ever reasons. Everything’s been paid into the same bank account, bills got paid then we split what was left for spending money.

YANBU. I am only earner in our house. Get a large bonus every year. It all goes in same pot. I usually buy myself something nice at bonus time and encourage my H to as well.

I agree with this. My husband has inherited money and gets bonuses from work. He also earns more than me because we made a joint decision for me to stay home/work around the kids when they were little.
He shares everything with me - he is completely transparent about where the money goes and we decide together what we're doing with it.

I get a decent bonus, my husband gets a tiny one. He keeps his for himself (it really is sod all) and I keep mine but then I do choose to use some of it on a little holiday for us (I pay flights/hotel) and then spend the rest on myself.

My husband doesn't expect it though and is very grateful that I share with him. We don't have kids though and are 50/50 with bills and we are happy with this as it works for us.

If you have kids then I think all money should be shared including bonus.

Thanks everyone, it's good to find out how other households deal with this.

Oh ouch. I have to admit I find it very hard to understand why couples choose not to share everything they earn. His behaviour is beyond stingy and mean, especially given that he has the means to more than adequately provide for you.
In terms of talking about it, I would actually be frank and honest about the practicalities and how it makes you feel. You don't want to be a second class citizen in a marriage.

There's a difference between "equality" and "equity".

A healthy, happy marriage should be "equitable" meaning that both parties are on equal terms financially.

This includes disposable income, pension arrangements, savings and spending ability.

I agree with the previous poster's suggested conversation opener. You need to tell him that things need to change and that you need to rearrange the finances so that you are not left feeling like a second-class citizen in your own marriage.

Women are often put at a disadvantage and it's no way to run a healthy family relationship.

PS: we share everything in our marriage and have full transparency. It's really nice.

Every last penny that my husband earns goes into our joint account and never once has he queried what I spend it on. He isn't a big spender but does like to book a family holiday once a year and it all comes out of the joint account also. I couldn't imagine him keeping his bonus a secret from me.