Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

[Teeteringonthebrink45]

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

Her post is about what she should or shouldn’t have said to her daughter, she hasn’t asked for practical advice about leaving. Her priorities are all wrong.

contact Woman’s Aid. Put a few belongings together and hide them or leave at a trusted friends. Plan where to stay - friend, relative, boarding house and choose a date then collect children and go. Don’t tell children in advance but tell a trusted friend.

There’s a safe way to do it and a dangerous way to do it. Choose the dangerous way and there’s no coming back from that for many. Telling an angry man you’re removing his children there and then is only going to end in violence.

The fear is huge. The urge to pacify him, shut him down as quickly as you can is overwhelming and is driven by self preservation.
Hopefully the OP can get help from Women’s Aid and family or friends to get them to safety but it’s 100% essential to do it in a controlled way. It’s very well documented that the time of leaving is the most dangerous.

I don’t think you’re wrong for saying this to her, if anything it should reassure her. However she is eight and leaving is something you should be trying to do in the coming weeks not months as every time he kicks off she will more than likely feel let down that you haven’t found a way yet, or be worried that you didn’t mean what you said. I know how hard it is, I’ve left a domestic violent relationship before and believe me we had to start over with absolutely nothing, but you know what? We didn’t care! we was so much happier and could finally breathe in our own space. I wish you all the happiness in the world op and if you ever need to talk you can inbox me.

Just to say I wish you all the best in your future life without this horrible nasty man. And please leave as soon as you are safely able to do so. Soon.

Your description of your daughter raising her arms in self-protection when he was yelling was very vivid and awful.

This. Great advice.

Quite a few years ago I was in a very difficult situation, probably not at risk of violence, but my ex had become unpredictable due to drug abuse, (a new development, he had been fine in the past), but it could have gone that way, he kept hallucinating and going on about attacking intruders. I asked for advice on mumsnet at the time and was quite troubled by the strength of response I got from people telling me to leave. The problem was I loved him so it was really hard to hear this advice and even harder to do. Now I'm out the other side I know they were right. So if this is how you feel reading these comments I totally understand.

But I think you probably know deep down that you need to leave. It's not going to get better I'm afraid, or easier, you just need to take a deep breath and jump. Making that decision and acting on it will be really scary and tough to do, but you can do it and you will get through what's to come. Take your personal documents, some clothes, and try to be somewhere safe, ideally staying initially with someone your partner doesn't know, or doesn't know where they live if you can. Don't take the kids to school if you think he might show up there, but call & let school know what's going on. Get help from women's aid & the police if necessary. Honestly your safety and that of the kids is all you need to focus on securing right now. The rest will follow, you will get there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you need to get into the tunnel first.
Sending lots of hugs and strength x

I think some women won't contact the police because they don't think / feel they will be taken seriously enough.

Yes but sometimes people ask a question and give context which OP has done which is more relevant to the question originally asked. Life is not so back and white.

In her next post and indeed original post says that she'd find it hard to leave for a number of reasons.

When you are in this position it is hard to make the break, have the confidence, due to time being so worn down...choosing when you defend your position(match screaming with screaming) or just "take it".

@Teeteringonthebrink45 please stop teetering. Do what you can do safely to leave this man as soon as possible. You can do it, there's loads of resources posted up thread. Don't worry about sharing what you have with your daughter, but please act as quickly as you can.

Your little girl is fearful and you've given her a promise of a way out. You need to do this for yourself and your children.

He will be a bully about it (after the fact you've gone) but he can't touch you or get to you and you won't be alone dealing with this.

Please be brave and reach out to someone either a charity or friends, now you know.

Your poor little girl. You can't promise her that you'll get her out of this mess and then say "if and when we leave", she won't trust you if you don't keep your promise. Dont let your helpless little children get bullied by this coward. Leave ASAP. It'll only get worse, it never gets better.

You've told her you are going

But then you say "if and when"

You are not being honest with yourself or your daughter

By 8 I was well versed in managing my father’s aggression. I would not have been stupid enough to tell him we were planning to flee.

I don’t think I knew at 8 that my own mother was lying though. I think I was 11-12 before I realized she was all talk.

be sure you follow-through and get your daughter out. get your escape plan in place and get them safe.

I had a friend when I was about 13 who's mum had told her they were leaving her dad and it didn't happen for months, possibly over a year. It wasn't a nice experience for her constantly live in a state of uncertainty with her bag packed and waiting to go. She coped fairly well though and was at least prepared when it did happen, I think your daughter probably does need to understand that her living situation won't last forever.

You do need to make this happen immediately though - every day that you stay is damaging your children irreversibly. Please get some help today.

Stop being selfish and put your children first. Just GO

It’s not ok to tell her that when you have no plan to follow through. Call Women’s Aid today, please.

@Busybeemumm

Tell* everyone you know*

Don't do this!!

Please don’t break your promise to your dd, you MUST protect the dc, poor babies. Get them out. I know it’s hard, but don’t become a statistic when he kills you. Who would protect your children?

I would contact the police and change the locks if you can afford to stay. If it to dangerous I would contact womens aid today.

You poor things ☹️ Maybe it wasn't ideal the way you spoke to her but lets face it none of it is ideal and this is the least of the trouble really. I get that leaving feels so hard, but don't allow yourself to be distracted by a comment to your dd - do you think that dwelling on this is allowing your mind to backtrack from the actual sentiment of the comment, which was heartfelt in the moment but so hard to do in reality? Keep that determination op, there is no other way now you have to go.

These are your babies, I'm sure you would say you would move heaven and earth for them? It's time to prove that now. Your dd will likely remember your comment. When she is an adult, she will look back on it and feel proud of you for getting her out.

xx

This.

How can you do this to your kids day after day?

Better to be begging in the streets than letting them be damaged.

Talk is cheap. Do something before it's too late. At 8 she's already been exposed to presumably years of abusive behaviour and it will take a long time to heal. Don't delay any longer.

Agreed.

Just leave, instead of treating your daughter like an adult.

What will likely happen now, when you don't leave, is that she'll stop trusting you if she hasn't already.

Your poor chidren.
My father wasn't physically abusive but he was awful and very emotionally abusive. My Mum promised she would leave him when I was about 11 or 12 and we even went to look at a couple of rentals. They put the house up for sale because they were splitting but then ended up buying a new house together. She finally left him when I was around 25
I never actually resented her for not leaving him earlier but I DID resent her for giving me false hope.

My mum did the same... It was a huge secret to keep and made me feel very fearful of him finding out and I had nightmares about accidentally blurting it out.

She took forever to leave and I finally told her that either she needed to leave or I would and she would never see me again (no idea where I would have gone at 10, but I needed her to take me seriously).

Eventually she did leave and has stated ever since that me saying that was what pushed her.

I wish she had just taken us out of the situation far earlier. I would have rathered live in a motel than in that house.

If you don't leave, and quickly, she will see you as not only someone who burdens her with adult secrets, but also a mother who doesn't prioritise her child's safety.

I massively resent my mother for not leaving earlier and I will never fully forgive her. I understand the financial and other barriers for leaving abuse, but I also witnessed first hand the many, many excuses she made before I forced her to go.

Not If you leave. You leave and bloody damn quickly. Every hour your children are subjected to this is damaging them. Contact charities,trusted family or friends and ask for some help. If not for you but for your children that are being harmed!

It’s not easy but you have to do this! we