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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

230 replies

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:16

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

OP posts:
CloudCraze · 02/12/2024 08:30

Please leave as soon as possible. Your daughter is still too young, and you actually shouldn’t have told her.😅

betterangels · 02/12/2024 08:34

You've told her now. There shouldn't be an 'if.'

Needanewname42 · 02/12/2024 08:35

Op you weren't wrong. You've given her hope, and you know we all need Hope.

Faith, Hope and Love.

Now you need to fulfill her Faith in you and make sure it happens.

Get intouch with Womans Aid and get things moving.
You can be out of there before Christmas. And that will be a wonderful Christmas for your Kids. Even if Santa can't deliver. Hope! Don't let her down.

pimplebum · 02/12/2024 09:01

call women’s aid and get advice
follow that advice today

Mmhmmn · 02/12/2024 09:11

OP, never mind that. I’m sure she needed to hear it. But mostly she and your son need you to DO it. You can’t keep exposing them to this angry man, they have no choice in where they live and who with and must be protected.

Can you see ways of getting out? Do you have family or friends who can help you leave? People on here with experience of similar can give you some good advice.

Plastictrees · 02/12/2024 09:12

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:58

No child would imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … they wouldn’t imagine something they hadn’t experienced

Show quote history

You are absolutely wrong. Children can and do protect themselves from possible harm. The OP is in an abusive relationship. We do not know what she has experienced or what her children have witnessed. This is abuse. Educate yourself and stop spouting rubbish.

Youcantcallacatspider · 02/12/2024 09:16

OP you need to get out especially now that you've said this, no ifs no buts. You've put dd in an even more vulnerable position now until you do. What if she has a tiff with dad and gets hotheaded and tells him what you said? What will dad's reaction be? Not to mention you've now acknowledged to her that this definitely isn't right she's now looking to you to make good choices. How you act now will be pivotal not just to her safety but to how she learns to process and manage relationships in future. I know it's hard but you need to get out.... 5 years ago by the sounds of it. Some good advice from pp. Follow it and best of luck xx

Busybeemumm · 02/12/2024 09:22

Oreyt · 02/12/2024 06:32

@Busybeemumm

Tell* everyone you know*

Don't do this!!

I agree and think I meant tell people you trust and also the children's school not absolutely everyone in case he finds out before you actually leave as this could potentially put the OP at risk. Thank you @Oreyt for picking this up.

Busybeemumm · 02/12/2024 09:27

OP please update us and let us know what you are planning. You have thousands of women behind you for support. Please leave safely when you feel the moment is right but don't put off the inevitable and be a good role model to your kids. Just think- would you want your daughter to go through what you are experiencing in 20 years from now? What would you advise her?

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 02/12/2024 09:36

OP, just focus on the practicality now.

You have to do it because if you don’t your Dd will live with one parent / (step parent?) who terrifies her and one she feels she cannot trust

What is your situation?
Mortgagrd or rented?
Whose name?
Ard you married, are the kids his?
Do you work / have your own income / have savings?
Do you have family support?
If you can get a flat, the rest will follow. Borrow from family or use savings for a deposit, claim UC.

Start a new thread for support with separating?

NeedToChangeName · 02/12/2024 09:40

Tess150 · 01/12/2024 20:53

It's so sad that you are allowing your children to be emotionally abused like this OP, I can't imagine the trauma they are being put through and the impact this will have on them long term.

Please leave and go anywhere, either family, friends or a woman's shelter. Anywhere is better than here for these poor traumatised children.

It's easy to make excuses as to why you can't do it right now. Stop making excuses and put your children first. If you're not strong enough to do it for you then do it for them. You dd can't trust her dad, if you don't leave then she won't trust you either - and that leaves her very, very vulnerable and alone in this world.

OP is not allowing the children to be emotionally abused. This is all on her abusive partner

The two most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship are when she's pregnant and when she leaves. And, some women stay in abusive relationships because the alternative may be to be forced to send the child to abusive Dad for unsupervised contact. Leaving may be the right thing to do, but it's not always an easy decision

garlictwist · 02/12/2024 09:41

Why don't you just leave? It's never going to get any easier so just do it. No, FWIW, I don't think you should have said that to your kid, purely because it's not her responsibility to deal with this, it's yours.

AnonymousBleep · 02/12/2024 09:47

You have to do this - and you can. You are strong enough. Ring Women's Aid today and get some support to help you through this. There are lots of people out there who can and will help you, but for your daughter's sake, you have to leave. Sending love.

notacooldad · 02/12/2024 09:48

Why don't you just leave? It's never going to get any easier so just do it.
The most stupid sentence ever said to a woman who has a child and is a dv situation.
( just) Leaving is the most dangerous time and leaves everyone vulnerable and at risk.

Where is she going to go? H5as she got resources to go, can she take her things with her.Has she got access to money, etc etc. What if he comes after them, who knows about the plan and can they intervene if needed, etc etc.

Blimey, it takes me long enough to get ready to leave for work, never mind my life!

ArabellaScott · 02/12/2024 09:50

Flowers OP, just sending you my best. What a horribly difficult situation for you.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/12/2024 09:51

I don't think it was ideal to tell her, it's too much responsibility to ask her to keep that sort of secret, and it's putting her into a co-conspiritor role.

But I get that things are really extremely difficult at the moment. It's done, it isn't the end of the world. All that matters is that you leave very soon.

Wells37 · 02/12/2024 09:52

Please phone women's aid today. Pack a small bag of essentials and go. If possible get birth certificates and passports, change of clothes, any medications you or the children need. Your children deserve to feel safe at home.
You can do it!

BlackJacktheDog · 02/12/2024 09:56

Sorry OP but I think saying "I know I need to do it soon" is using words like a blanket to soothe you. If you tell yourself that then you both

a) don't need to feel guilty for the fact that your children are living through this because, in your mind, you are going to be the hero and save them
whilst
b) not actually doing anything

It's a con your mind is pulling to soothe your emotions. But it's false. Every minute you wait is a minute too late.

Go now.

Wells37 · 02/12/2024 10:00

My husband lived in a violent home growing up and although he has a relationship with his mum, even now he's in his 50s he still finds it hard to forgive her for not leaving. He ended up having to pull his dad off his mum as a teenager because he had a knife to her throat. They had left and were safe but she then went back. It ended with my husbands dad hanging himself and my husband finding him. My husband was 21.
Don't put your children in a similar position, be there safe person and do that you said you would do today.
You can go to a refuge today. Talk to your kids school too.

Getonwitit · 02/12/2024 10:11

Please run before you can't run.

ElaborateCushion · 02/12/2024 10:14

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:43

I shouldn't have said "if and when" about leaving as I know I have to... but @Proseccoh really hit the nail on the head, after years of being belittled and gaslit and endlessly criticised I can't believe that I will be strong enough to do it, but I know I have to.
Leaving tonight isn't an option but I really really appreciate all of the responses and reading the messages now I think the need to go very very soon is at last hitting me.

I think telling her will give you the incentive to go through with it. Imagine her saying to you "when Mummy, when are we leaving?"

Good luck OP. Your DD will thank you forever for getting her away from him.

kitteninabasket · 02/12/2024 10:29

ElaborateCushion · 02/12/2024 10:14

I think telling her will give you the incentive to go through with it. Imagine her saying to you "when Mummy, when are we leaving?"

Good luck OP. Your DD will thank you forever for getting her away from him.

Show quote history

Her daughter shouldn’t have to be asking her mother questions like that. Imagine how it feels to have to ask that question, because you thought you were going to be taken away only for every day to begin and end as usual. The biggest headfuck of all is to be told that, then see your parents acting normally, or even laughing and joking, together.

kitteninabasket · 02/12/2024 10:37

TinkerPony · 02/12/2024 10:29

This post is so unsettling as this just
happened last night in Ireland, Wexford.
https://www.wlrfm.com/news/8-year-old-girl-dies-following-fatal-stabbing-in-new-ross-395970
🙏🏻

Horrific. I checked OP’s post history and she says she lives in London.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/12/2024 10:55

@Teeteringonthebrink45

It's almost 11am now and I hope you have read this whole read, and have contacted Woman's Aid by now...

Read the article that @TinkerPony has attached

THAT COULD BE YOUR DAUGHTER last night, tonight, tomorrow night...

YOUR DAUGHTER that is now relying on you to protect her, keep her safe and get her out of the situation you are all in

YOUR DAUGHTER that is now waiting on you taking action
YOUR DAUGHTER that you have made a promise too...