Do I tell FWB I’m pregnant?

[CocoJaguar]

Name change as I do not want this to be linked to previous posts- .
I have no idea what to do- I’m 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I have a surgical termination booked for in two weeks time. I am 29 years old, FWB is early 50s and has two grown up children in their early 20s. He split from wife of 25 years earlier this year. We’ve been sleeping together since September- I was taking the pill but antibiotics caused me to vomit after taking it, I am now pregnant. I am so ashamed to be pregnant. I have never wanted kids but worry FWB will think I have done this on purpose or won’t trust that it’s ‘safe’ to see me again.
We have a great time together, do weekends away etc. It’s FWB as in the future I want to get married to the right man, whereas he isn’t yet divorced and doesn’t seem keen on marrying again. He has previously said he loves me but I take it with a pinch of salt.
He is currently on holiday with his children, I haven’t told him about the pregnancy. Do I tell him on his return?
My mood swings between;

1. don’t tell him, terminate and continue as normal
2. don’t tell him but end it, it’s a sign to move in
3. tell him and there’s a risk he will end it with me, it may scare him and be a wake up call to how young I am etc
4. tell him and he unexpectedly wants us to continue with the pregnancy

If he wanted to continue with the pregnancy, I don’t know how I would feel. I’ve had moments where I’ve considered continuing with it if we were in a relationship. I absolutely cannot be a single parent- my property is small, I don’t have family support and my salary (45K) wouldn’t cover bills and nursery fees. Plus, I don’t want to do this alone.
what should I do? Has anybody else kept a termination a secret from the man involved?
I don’t fear any kind of violence or abuse, my greatest fear is him ending the relationship we have. Then I would regret ever telling him.

Makes you wonder why so many take the risk.

When I was on the pill even a bit of tummy ache would have been enough to make me use another form of contraception for a few days.
Most women who don't want to get pg are VERY careful

Someone could be 25, have a kid and be hit by a bus 2 years later. The kid would never really know their father. No-one knows what the future holds. If the OP has a chance of happiness with a man who treats her very well and who she would be happy to have a future with, then she should go for it. How many women do we see on here doing things the, “normal” way and it’s a disaster?

Of course he’s being all adoring and attentive to you at the moment, he’s only recently split from his long term partner and you’re his young floozie.

Do you live together currently? What’s he like when you’re unwell? Will he step up and co-parent a baby with you 50/50?

So you’ve been having casual sex with him while on the pill for three months, tops, and in that time you have vomited and are now pregnant? You need to miss 2+ pills before it stops being effective, and have vomited within three hours of each pill. Plus be in a fertile window. And for people saying antibiotics mess with the pill, there’s only one class of antibiotic that affects contraception. Unless OP had traveller’s diarrhoea, TB or leprosy I doubt that’s the class she was prescribed.

I take it you haven’t been using condoms so you should have an STI check. You’re most likely not his first FWB and if he didn’t think to use a condom with you I doubt he’ll have pushed the matter with previous FWBs.

You say you don’t want children and you’ve booked an abortion but if he wanted to be with you, you would consider continuing with it. You also say he’s the man you’d want to marry. Be honest, is there a little part of you that wanted this to happen in the hope he’d commit to you?

You've only got to miss one pill. If OP vomited it up before it was absorbed, this could happen. Even without vomiting, the Pill is fallible.

Pregnancy aside… you should end it if he’s not in to you enough for a relationship. If he’s definitely just wanting FWB relationship and nothing more end it and move on, you clearly would consider more than FWB which will end up you getting hurt

You need to miss 2+ pills before it stops being effective,

Not so. If you read the packet, you've got twelve hours to remember to take a missed pill before you run the risk of it not working properly. And if OP is on the minipill, that's three hours.

Antibiotics don't actually affect the pill. What they can do is affect your stomach so that the pill passes through more quickly (gut motility) and there is a small chance it could make less of the pill be absorbed
Again, many women who are taking the pill and antibiotics will take additional precautions/abstain

I was in almost exactly your situation in my twenties. I terminated the pregnancy at about 6 weeks + ended the relationship without ever telling him.

Now 17 years later I have zero regrets. I’ve been married for 12 + years, have three children - a life which wouldn’t haven’t been possible if I’d remained shackled to a silly twenties decision to date someone perfectly ok - but SO outside of the life I actually wanted for myself.

Castration would reduce the sexual harassment that men that age often openly visit upon schoolgirls in uniform. The phrase "dirty old man" exists for a reason.

Don't shackle yourself to this 50 something man who is still married. You are still so fucking young, live your life, on your terms, not with some old fella who was only supposed to be a casual shag.

The chances of you wanting sex later that day after being sick are very slim.

Sperm can remain viable inside a woman's body for up to five days. The sex that made OP pregnant could have been the better part of a week before her vomiting bout.

I never fail to be astounded by how little people remember from their school sex ed. No wonder there's so many unplanned pregnancies!

He isn't your friend of any kind OP

If you're having a termination then I wouldn't tell him, personally.

I wouldn’t tell him

I’m astounded by how confident you are. Check out how the pill works. That warning is for 00000000.1 where the unexplained happens. Unfortunately there are idiots who think it’s common. It isn’t. It is far more likely that people lie. The pills job is big. Stops sperm by thickening the lining. Stops an egg from even being produced. That’s not a one day job.

I wouldn’t have replied but I’m concerned for your knowledge on reproduction and why you think there are “unplanned” pregnancies. (Hint, majority are not.)

I got the timings wrong with one pill (Noriday so 3hr window, and I fucked up with the time difference on holiday) and I’m due to give birth to the result any day now

The best part? I’m a contraception specialist nurse 🤪

I'm going to refer you to this poster: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5221622-do-i-tell-fwb-im-pregnant?reply=140236649

Stops sperm by thickening the lining.

Nope. The Pill makes the uterine lining thinner, not thicker, and the thickness of the uterine lining has nothing to do with whether sperm can travel.

Of course he adores you - he’s in his fifties getting regular sex from someone in their twenties! He is living the dream, but you being pregnant would be a nightmare.

I cannot imagine any good outcome here.

The pill isn’t a miracle worker. Even taken perfectly it’s only estimated to be “up to” 99% effective. Of course there are unplanned pregnancies 🙄

You have choices, please try and make sensible ones now and in future. Acquiring a FWB with adult daughters close to your age was not a sensible choice, nor was being irresponsible with contraception.

Either get an abortion and don't tell him and carry on as before. Or tell him discuss it and make a decision together. I don't know why this would precipitate ending the relationship from either side. In the unlikely event you both decide to carry on with the pregnancy fine, if not you are perfectly willing to terminate it, so why should he be annoyed with you, it takes two as the saying goes. In some ways as the potential father he has the right to know, but if you don't choose to tell him that's up to you.

I mean I’m not an expert but you kind of agree with me then. It thickens the mucas and thins the lining (I got them confused and checked it out) which stops an egg attaching. This definitely stops pregnancy! Which is kind of the point.

I’d have thought with your knowledge you would have corrected my point. I get your main aim is to be right. But the end result is I’m correct.

Sorry. Comes a point where I’m not arguing with everyone’s stupid points. I’m one person. Start an argument with someone else 😂 There are a few other sensible posters to choose from.