Do I tell FWB I’m pregnant?

[CocoJaguar]

Name change as I do not want this to be linked to previous posts- .
I have no idea what to do- I’m 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I have a surgical termination booked for in two weeks time. I am 29 years old, FWB is early 50s and has two grown up children in their early 20s. He split from wife of 25 years earlier this year. We’ve been sleeping together since September- I was taking the pill but antibiotics caused me to vomit after taking it, I am now pregnant. I am so ashamed to be pregnant. I have never wanted kids but worry FWB will think I have done this on purpose or won’t trust that it’s ‘safe’ to see me again.
We have a great time together, do weekends away etc. It’s FWB as in the future I want to get married to the right man, whereas he isn’t yet divorced and doesn’t seem keen on marrying again. He has previously said he loves me but I take it with a pinch of salt.
He is currently on holiday with his children, I haven’t told him about the pregnancy. Do I tell him on his return?
My mood swings between;

1. don’t tell him, terminate and continue as normal
2. don’t tell him but end it, it’s a sign to move in
3. tell him and there’s a risk he will end it with me, it may scare him and be a wake up call to how young I am etc
4. tell him and he unexpectedly wants us to continue with the pregnancy

If he wanted to continue with the pregnancy, I don’t know how I would feel. I’ve had moments where I’ve considered continuing with it if we were in a relationship. I absolutely cannot be a single parent- my property is small, I don’t have family support and my salary (45K) wouldn’t cover bills and nursery fees. Plus, I don’t want to do this alone.
what should I do? Has anybody else kept a termination a secret from the man involved?
I don’t fear any kind of violence or abuse, my greatest fear is him ending the relationship we have. Then I would regret ever telling him.

This man isn’t marriage material.

You know you want a termination. So go for it.

I wouldn’t tell him though. He is JUST a FWB. He doesn’t privileges such as having a say, berating or anything else really.

And I’d leave him too. Not because of the pg. But because he simply is not what you’re looking for. I suspect being busy with him, Gping away in weekends etc… it’s reducing time and opportunities to meet the right person fir you.

Don’t tell him. Have an abortion. Carry on as you were.

I think you should tell him

You have feelings for him and you want his baby

If he feels the same, he will want to keep the baby and make relationship official

Suspect he wont because he's raised kids already

I don't think you are FWB. I think you are in a relationship and neither admitting it. He says he loves you, you go for weekends away and you are scared he will end things.

You need to have an honest think. If you really don't care more for this man, terminate and stop sleeping with him. If you do care more for him, I would be honest but ultimately do what's best for you.

@Lallydallydune its fine if you chose that for yourself.

I certainly wouldn’t choose that for myself, nor for my dcs.
It’s a personal choice and it’s not ageist to say this wouldn’t work for you because you expect something else in life.

Number 1. Don’t tell him, terminate and carry on as normal. You don’t want children and are happy with your life as it is. Have the termination and put the accident behind you. There’s no reason for him to know.

Don't tell him and have the baby alone.

Do we really want focus on POOR MEN, here, now?

Most men in their 50s with grown up kids don't want to have more babies!!

Don't tell him she's having his baby??

You do realise that at 50 a man having a child had a higher risk of passing on congenital diseases and deformities?

What I’m saying is that it’s not an ideal set up to leave your child when they are in their 20’s, and that is the reality of having a child in your 50’s.

And it’s certainly not ideal for OP to start her life with someone 20+ years older than her when she wants a husband and children.

Don't comment then if that's your attitude, what do you think this forum is for!?

antibiotics can afffect the pill - my daughter took some and had break through bleeding - the dr told her before she started it would affect the pill for contraception

Tell him and end it at the same time? Tell him this has been a wake up call and you’ve realised this is what you want out of life, so you’ll be terminating the pregnancy and wish him all the best.

He’s recently separated after a long marriage & has children close to OPs age who he is still close enough to take them on holiday.

Being the much younger, brand new girlfriend with the whoopsie baby will likely open the gates to a whole world of hell for OP.

They’ve only been shagging for a couple of months, she barely knows him, but it’s not hard to anticipate the drama on the horizon.

That doesn’t mean ALL age gap relationships are a disaster, but OP is young enough to find someone with far less baggage (and financial solvency) and still have time to have a baby, if that’s what she wants. This chap probably doesn’t even have stable housing yet, being so recently out of a long marriage. He certainly hasn’t had time to get used to being an independent adult doing all his own chores/mental load.

Plus, even if they were to overcome all these obstacles and have a long a happy marriage, being 49 with an early 70s husband will likely be a lot less insurmountable than being 29 with an early 50s boyfriend.

If OP was keen to have a baby (or running out of fertile years) I reckon she’d be better to go it alone and be a single mother without all the first family complications (because even when kids are technically adults they can still be incredibly hurt by a parent’s reckless behaviour). Even then she’d be better off conceiving with younger sperm.

@CocoJaguar - I don’t think any of your scenarios will bring you happiness in the short to mid term, but 2 gives you the best chance of happiness in the long term.

The whole pill antibiotics vomiting thing sounds a bit of a cliche. Are you sure you weren’t subconsciously trying to get pregnancy to force the situation on?

I know some age gaps relationships can work but the sticking point is he already has kids of a similar age to you and has only recently separated from their mother. I assume they don’t know about you? . No one is honestly going to welcome a newborn into the mix.

You need to start a full life with someone who doesn’t already have one that will always exclude you and you your child.

Terminate. Don’t tell him. Move on and focus your energies on finding a man who can share with you the life you want.

Most of us know she’s not being honest and don’t actually need to comment on it because it’s so obvious!!

She’s asked what she should do. Not how to turn the clock back.

I know two people who got pregnant while on the pill. They both said that when they were sick, the pill stopped working.

The pill is definitely less effective when a woman is vomiting.

@CocoJaguar not for me to tell anyone what to do but in your shoes I’d terminate. Would I tell him? Not sure. Probably not. There is no reason for him to end things but if you tell him and he does, he’s not who you think.

Eww , imagine when you are his age he'll be a wrinkly old man. Is that what you want in your future- to be a carer?

"Leave their child when they're in their twenties.".

Well at least they'll have given their child a good 25 years.
That's better than some younger dads who don't stick around with the child at all.

I know some really great older dads.

Anyway OP trust your gut feeling on what to do.

This man is not the one for you. He's already had a family and the chances of him wanting to do it all over again will be next to zero. You've said you want marriage and kids and yet you're wasting some of your most important years on the wrong man.

Also spare a thought for the poor grown up kids who've parents have just divorced only to find out their dad has got a 29 year old pregnant and they're going to have a baby step-sibling. You really don't need all this baggage.

You're only a few years older than his kids, which is a bit grim. I agree with pp that you should end it, set yourself free to find someone more suitable for a long term relationship

Of course it does. But it’s very precise. You would have to be sick within a couple of hours of taking it. The chances of you wanting sex later that day after being sick are very slim. The op was also further unlucky that it also happened in that small window of fertility.

So yes I assumed the op has put the sick part to stop others having a go about how irresponsible she is. Which they predictably did anyway.

I also think both your friends have not been honest with you either. Sorry.

Personally I couldn’t have an abortion and not tell the man. It’s his child too at the end of the day.

You’re in a really difficult situation and I feel for you. I wouldn’t make the decision to terminate/continue a pregnancy based on the man’s wants & desires, because he could change his mind at any point. Even if you were married, you could still end up a single mother. Whether or not you and him stay together is the least of your worries.