Do I tell FWB I’m pregnant?

[CocoJaguar]

Name change as I do not want this to be linked to previous posts- .
I have no idea what to do- I’m 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I have a surgical termination booked for in two weeks time. I am 29 years old, FWB is early 50s and has two grown up children in their early 20s. He split from wife of 25 years earlier this year. We’ve been sleeping together since September- I was taking the pill but antibiotics caused me to vomit after taking it, I am now pregnant. I am so ashamed to be pregnant. I have never wanted kids but worry FWB will think I have done this on purpose or won’t trust that it’s ‘safe’ to see me again.
We have a great time together, do weekends away etc. It’s FWB as in the future I want to get married to the right man, whereas he isn’t yet divorced and doesn’t seem keen on marrying again. He has previously said he loves me but I take it with a pinch of salt.
He is currently on holiday with his children, I haven’t told him about the pregnancy. Do I tell him on his return?
My mood swings between;

1. don’t tell him, terminate and continue as normal
2. don’t tell him but end it, it’s a sign to move in
3. tell him and there’s a risk he will end it with me, it may scare him and be a wake up call to how young I am etc
4. tell him and he unexpectedly wants us to continue with the pregnancy

If he wanted to continue with the pregnancy, I don’t know how I would feel. I’ve had moments where I’ve considered continuing with it if we were in a relationship. I absolutely cannot be a single parent- my property is small, I don’t have family support and my salary (45K) wouldn’t cover bills and nursery fees. Plus, I don’t want to do this alone.
what should I do? Has anybody else kept a termination a secret from the man involved?
I don’t fear any kind of violence or abuse, my greatest fear is him ending the relationship we have. Then I would regret ever telling him.

That's the problem, something did rise which has caused OP's predicament...

2 sounds the most reasonable way forward. Sorry OP.

Having sex with contraception is irresponsible?

You've been 'together' since September. That's no time at all. You don't need to tell him anything. Especially, as you'd be ending it with him...

And of course you need to end it. You are the age of his children. Doesn't that give you the ick?! I'd end it and focus on myself, stay single for a bit and just work on self love and confidence.
The longer you're with him, the longer until you meet your life partner and start a family.

This. End the relationship, terminate the pregnancy and move on to the life you deserve

Not using condoms in a FWB situation and risking STIs is hardly responsible?

Also at 29 you should know if you've been sick whilst on the pill to use a condom or not have intercourse.

I would end it and move on. You’ve only been FWB for two months and even then you’re only exposed to the good times with him. You can’t even really know each other and probably don’t outside of the fun weekends.

End it and find someone you really see a future with.

Was that a POP pill ? Apparently there’s harsher on timing than the combined one

Congrats tho!

Lordy there's something in the Tetley's tea tonight!

• Contraception fails all the time, the OP is in a difficult position, she was on the pill, the pill is not 100% effective particularly when throwing up / on antibiotics. This doesn't mean she was irresponsible / deliberately trying to get knocked up / subconsciously trying to trap him etc. It means she was unlucky. And none of that matters now, she's preggers and is asking for support - I'm sure she's learned the hard way that the only way of guaranteeing not to get pregnant is to abstain. And frankly life is too short.
• And the ageist attitudes are also massively unhelpful. IMO age difference is less important than compatibility, values, connection. She clearly likes him. The bigger issue is his situation re: recently separated and messiness of that baggage. And OP - you seem to really like him and are vulnerable to getting hurt if you're only in an FWB situation but would like more.

There's no reason you'd automatically have to split if you tell him. I'd tell him.

If it was me I works terminate the pregnancy (if you want to), I wouldn’t tell him and I would end the relationship.

I'm astounded at how you think contraception is 💯 proof, I know a girl who's fella got the snip after two kids guess what she has a third now, also know someone who was sterilised and guess what ended up with a 4th baby, so nothing is 💯 effective.

So he is a 50 year old man and you have been having sex for three months and you are now pregnant. I can't imagine him being thrilled with a divorce coming up and 2 older children. I expect he might be a bit embarrassed by it all. Sure what I've said sounds bad but people will think omg what was he thinking and what a silly old bugger. Many people like to retire now mid 50s - he's waved goodbye to that.
Your post is confusing - initially you said he wasn't what you want as a husband then you go on to say he could be. I think you are hoping he is going to be overjoyed with this.

Please use condoms when you are having casual sex!!!

I know it's too late now, but you're risking your health. He's still married, if he's shagging you there is a possibility he'll be shagging others (even his wife).

Are you sure he considers you relationship material? His kids are going to go nuts, I doubt he'll want the embarrassment from his peers (sorry I'm being very blunt).

Single motherhood is incredibly hard

I'll be honest, I can't live on £45k (gross) with no free childcare. My mortgage is only £600 pm and I have another income stream but I'm still using savings (child is at nursery).
And the primary school years aren't going to be easy either, holiday clubs cost lots too as I only have the usual amount of annual leave.
Then the teenage years, no childcare costs, but everything else instead

Yep, it’s the strictest time frame 😫 most POP is 12hrs, but Noriday is 3hrs. Combined pill is 24hrs, and there is normally a little more wiggle room for error with combined.

I’ll be going back to Mirena after this baby as I clearly can’t be trusted with pills 😂

Don't tell him and move on.

And of course large age-gaps have their own (mostly negative) impacts on relationships and those who insist otherwise must be willingly blind or obtuse.

The man I married and had a child with in my 20s, is 20 years older than myself.
It's not something I'd look to repeat. In fact, my cut-off point would be within 5 years of my own age. And that's fine, I can choose whatever parameters I wish for my next date.
But what I can't choose, is a different dad to my son. My ExH is a very involved parent and in fact shoulders the majority of all the work.
He's also a semi-retired, overweight, grumpy old man.
The daily life would be markedly different for my son if he was kicking ball with a dad in his late 30s vs listening to a 59 year old bemoan sore ankles and suspected gout.
That's before we get to the "baggage".

Yeah, it's not all bad, it could be worse. But given a chance to be in my 20s again... I would take a calculated risk and keep on looking for someone more suitable.

Sweetheart I think first of all it is wise to terminate, given the current circumstances.
I would tell him so that he helps financially and comes with you at the doctor’s.

Terminate and end it, no need to tell him.
Seems as if it's a bit more than FWB; weekends away. he adores you etc.
Stop kidding yourself, you'll not meet anyone whilst you're spending your time with this guy.

Don't tell him. Terminate. And dump him.

Incidentally-if you ever find yourself in another non exclusive relationship, PLEASE use a condom every single time.

If you don't want kids then surely what he wants is of no relevance?

So are you hoping that he'll be overjoyed & want to become a couple?

^This

Thickening the mucus and thinning the lining make pregnancy very unlikely. They don't make pregnancy impossible. Even fallopian ligation and vasectomy don't make pregnancy impossible.

There's no such thing as a contraceptive that "definitely stops pregnancy".

I get your main aim is to be right.

Wrong. My main aim to stop men and other women from wrongly blaming a woman for her unplanned pregnancy, and to stop her from wrongly blaming herself for it. I get that your main aim is to give yourself a sense of security about your own contraceptive use, but that sense of security is false.

Depends on the Pill. The ones I was on were combined and the window for remembering the missed pill was 12 hours. Guidance says to look at the leaflet so I infer that the missed pill window varies by type.

I'm going to go review leaflets and report back because contraceptive misinformation is harmful.

Microgynon 30, Britain's most commonly-prescribed pill, has a twelve hour window before your contraceptive protection is at risk. More than twelve hours, you need to use condoms for a week.

Get the leaflet: https://www.medicines.org.uk/emc/product/1130/pil

That's interesting, NHS Scotland gives quite different advice. They even have a picture of Rigevidon (aka mycrogynon) in the article:

https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/contraception/combined-pill/